Skedge

This morning, I spilled coffee grounds all over yonder, WHICH DELIGHTED ME, and I was late getting Edsel’s food. I messed up his skedge. This discombobulated him, as did me saying thing like “skedge,” so he wandered around the cats’ dishes, a little lost, while he waited.

“HSSSSST [spit]!” I heard. Not just a hiss. A hiss ‘n spit. Man!

“Oooo, you pissed SOMEONE off, Edsel,” I said, as I turned to get his food out. O edzul god, it brown kibul! it a happee day!

Just then, a cat entered the room, and it wasn’t just Steely Dan, it was STEELY DAN BONUS ROUND. He was twice the size of his normal giant self, his tail all toilet-scrubber big, ears back, huge hackles giving him a distinct dinosaur look. A very angry 11-pound gray dinosaur.

I guess the mystery of Who’d Edsel Piss Off has been solved, there, Miss Marple. Hiss Marple.

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eds MEEN well

I have a migraine. That’s why I was doing things like spilling coffee grounds, because synapses not exactly what you’d all El Fire Up. Also I do not make sense.

I was at this burnout party once in high school, or maybe we were just out behind the school, and a bunch of people were smoking the pot NOT ME MOM I REPORTED THEM ALL TO THE PRINCIPAL AND WENT HOME AND THOUGHT ABOUT CIVIL RIGHTS.

Anyway, at the time, the song Elvira was popular, and let’s talk about that for a minute. What made us say, yeah. That one song that goes Giddy up oom poppa omm poppa mow mow. Yeah, that’s the ticket. Let’s make it one of the songs of our generation.

The point is, one burnout girl lit her joint, her gange, her wacky tabackky, and hey, June, blog with a migraine more often. You’re fun. And as she lit it, she sang, “El fire up.”

And right then I knew. I was hanging around the wrong crowd.

IMG_9562.JPGLast night, before I was stricken with one of my heads, I noted the sky was really pretty, and I was trying to capture it and Edsel at the same time, with one hand, and my life is sad.

IMG_9552.JPGI also had to worry about him mowing down this old lady, with whom he desperately wants to be friends, and with whom he wants to jump right up on, and I look forward to the day he achieves his goal and the family takes me down for my millions.

Oh, god, speaking of millions…

Seriously, HOW MANY DAYS IN A ROW can I forget to plug my Amazon Associate deal? Up there, that photo of the book I wrote, is actually a link to Amazon. Click it, get to Amazon, buy anything at all and I become a rich person.

Thanks.

Anyway, last night, as I was enjoying the sky and so on, I walked down one street and saw an old guy.

“You just move here?” he asked me.

“Ten years ago,” I said, not including my Year Abroad, because who wants to hear that. He’s lived here, like, you know, 40 years or something, and his wife died recently. “I’m getting used to living alone,” he said. “I kind of like it,” he whispered.

“ME TOO!” I said. Eventually I met his other retired friend in the neighborhood, and we stood gossiping for a long time. Edsel wanted to meet both of them, and jumped on them just like I know he’ll do to that old lady, and neither of them seem to be what you’d call dog people.

“What do you call that kinda dog, anyway? Looks like a wolf.”

Yes, that’s Edsel. A wolf. A lone wolf.

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Whenever I try to explain the “He’s a Carolina Dog” thing, I think people think I’m making it up. You know, like how I made up finding Violet in my car by getting out a box and buying a polo shirt and getting a stuffed shark toy, then placing her with said props in my front seat and photographing it for my blog. Then going on TV and lying about it across the airwaves.

(Someone on an I-Hate-June page said I lied about finding Violet on my front seat back in 2012. It irks me. The other hate things they said? Eh, fine. Dramatic? Oh, wow, stop the presses. Bad with money? Like I don’t say that 14 times a day. Shouldn’t hang around Ned? Wow, you’re brilliant. No one thought of that. But that I’m some sort of psycho who’d make up the whole Violet thing? Wow.)

(Also? You might want to acquire your own life, there, sparky, instead of spending your time thinking so much about mine.)

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wy peeple gotta be meen to mom? it hurt edz hart.

Anyway, so my head hurts, but Ima drag self to work in a bit because I always feel guilty when I have a migraine. I didn’t even do anything to deserve this one; I just woke up with it.

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fer adult onlee

I gotta go. I have to lie here willing my head to recover, and then I gotta get my freelance done before 7:00 tonight, so I can go to my old movie theater and watch The Princess Bride. The Poet gave me the four free tickets she won, which was nice of her.

Oh, look. Another Amazon link. That June. How’d she think of that?

My head and I will catch you on the later.

Headily,

Juan

36 thoughts on “Skedge

  1. Your sky picture looks cool if you frame out the houses and stuff at the bottom. Very impressionistic looking. Hope the head feels better soon.

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  2. I read that person’s theory about you making up finding Violet… what a dolt! Here were my takeaways from my readings and musings of said dolt:

    1) Don’t they have friends in real life that don’t do things the exact same way they would do them?! To be friends with a person or enjoy reading about a stranger doesn’t mean you have to 100% align with them or else the other person is wrong (of course the judgy asshole-ish dolts of the world like to never think that maybe they are wrong or have flaws too!)

    2) I read more posts by that person and read many posts devoted to their affinity for the giggle juice, so devoted in fact that they were sharing tips on how they hid their drinking. Hmmm… picking apart someone else who is opening up to the world and judging that person because they wouldn’t do things the exact same as you while you are secretly getting sloshed, why I think that might be a perfect definition of hypocrite!

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  3. I’m sorry about your migraine – and I love that you got to gossip with old mens in your neighborhood.
    I have the same question about the Elvira song, which is now in my head FOR. THE. DAY. thanks.

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  4. It’s funny that people think you are making up the Carolina Dog thing. People usually believed us when we told them we had a “Kentucky Brown Dog”. And we totally made that up!

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  5. My family on my dad’s side are of a very conservative Christian religion with a lot of rules regarding dress, hair cutting, and make-up wearing (or not wearing). My aunts, uncles and cousins tend to be able to hear things that relate to the church, God, Jesus and Satan everywhere. My aunt (who I adore, and was rebelling just by listening to country music) thought the lyrics to ‘Elvira’ were “Hell fire up, Hell fire up, my heart’s on fire so Hell fire up…” I, of course, sing it that way any time I hear that song.

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  6. There must be a way to have the Oak Ridge Boys sing “I Believe in Miracles” and have Hot Chocolate sing “Elvira.” Oom poppa mow mow, you sexy thing.

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  7. Ladies of the Sisterhood of Migrating Migraines: I have some possibly good news for you. My neurologist (as opposed to my neuroticgist) told me about a fabulous supplement that has proven to help lessen the frequency of migraines. I ordered this a couple of weeks ago and I have only had ONE migraine in 2 weeks, which, for me, is a record. I didn’t even get one when we went to see an action movie in 3-D which is always a trigger. Anyway, if you want to try it, you can go through Amazon (LINK ABOVE). It’s called MigreLief. I get the original formula with the yellow top. It may be worth ordering for you just to see if it helps.

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  8. Lovely post, June, sorry to hear about the dang migraine. Quietly whisper-singing El Fire Up to myself and giggling. Haven’t thought about that song in lo these many years. That was super nice of The Poet to give you the movie passes. For fellow Princess Bride devotees, I read the book June posted as her second Amazon get rich quick link. It’s pretty good. Cary Elwes doesn’t have a mean thing to say about anybody.

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  9. “…his tail all toilet-scrubber big,” Cracked me up. Now I have Elvira floating around in my head, since this morning when I read this post. I hope your head is better.

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  10. I went to see “An Inconceivable Evening with Cary Elwes” on Saturday night.
    The Majestic Theatre in Dallas is…well…majestic. And, it was a capacity crowd of 1,700. They screened the movie and then there was a Q&A with Cary.
    It was a BLAST.
    …and yes…he is still quite pretty…even thirty years after the movie was released!

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  11. Enjoy your movie tonight. Hope your migraine is long gone by then. Does this mean wine AND vodka both trigger migraines? Inconceivable!

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  12. Do you see the details of Amazon orders placed as a click through from your site?
    What paranoia? Do stop.
    Please forgive me if this has been asked and answered.

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    1. If I really really dearly wanted to, I could click on about 15 different places, and then download the damn report about what you all bought, which is a really tiny detailed Excel spreadsheet at this point. It’s super boring and I never ever look at what you guys buy.

      >

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      1. Oh my God, I would be RIVETED to discover what everyone bought! Riveted!! I would obsessively check the report and then see if I needed any of those things, too. Oh, Texas Kari bought a giant box of Cherry Lara bars. Those must be healthy and good. Wow, Deb bought a romance novel. I bet it’s good. Hey, look who bought a new set of 4000 threadcount sheets. I need new sheets! Annnnd then Amazon would get all the money right back.

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        1. I bought a box of Cherry Pie Lara Bars! But not on Amazon… cheaper at the market, sadly.

          The Princess Bride! So jealous!

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  13. Sounds like you had a nice walk heads and all. I love your neighborhood and want to come live next door. Perhaps I could rent Pegs house. The whole mary jane talk made me think about the fact I didn’t imbibe until I was 56 and was Rx’d it for migraines. Hey June have you tried the wild wood weed for your migraine?

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  14. I see by that last picture of Eds that he must be planning to run for public office. The caption made me laugh out loud. Going to go buy some (more) books now.

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  15. Oh, my goodness, those pictures of Edsel are awesome! I totally saw the titties like Anita.
    I hope you are headache free and that you enjoyed your movie!

    Lovely post, lovely June!

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  16. Wolf?!? More like coyote or dingo, if anything. I love his big Carolina Dog earses!

    Sorry your head is hurty. Hopefully The Princess Bride made you feel better. I love that movie.

    I love when my cats puff up. Especially their tails that are huge and floofy to start with. My original Maine Coon (no longer with us), Macy, was scared by a really loud noise in the garage (I don’t even remember what it was anymore), and she jumped about 3 feet in the air, spinning her wheels and raced off, leaving an honest to goodness very visible cathair outline where she was, just like in the cartoons! It lingered in the air for a couple of seconds and then fell to the ground. It was the greatest thing ever! Had I not seen it with my own eyes, I would never have believed that that could happen in real life. And it wasn’t her long top hair, it was the short fluff near her body. I couldn’t even console her because I was so blown away by this cat-shaped hair cloud.

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