Look at the sun, up there. Soooooo smug. Oh, Ima shine on you all day. Like I always do. HAH! We, the audience, know better.
Anyway hi. I’m not at work, and I was luxuriating in bed, thinking how lovely it was to, you know, luxuriate in the bed, when I remembered you guys saying, “The first thing I do when I wake up is read Book of June!” “My day isn’t complete without Book of June!” “I keep an asp in my hand, and if Book of June isn’t up, I let it strike me.”
So I threw back the covers and sighed beleagueredly.
I’m supposed to be on a romantic vacation with my friend Kit and some of her other women friends, but a series of unfortunate events meant I was unable to go. This lead to a solid day, and by solid day I mean three days, of me just feeling terrible that I never get to do anything fun or go anywhere relaxing. Even Ned, the source of most of my consternation, was all, “You need a break. You need a break from your 10 jobs, your 14 pets, and even me.”
But then I decided, This is nonsense. I can have a great time here. I don’t have to go somewhere, although I was so looking forward to creaking a screen door open and smelling the lake, coffee in my hand and no plans at all. Dammit.
Anyway, I made a big list of things I wanna do, both fun and practical, this week, and so far I have done several of them. For one, I did a new budget, keeping in mind I am
paying credit cards. Oh my god, so close to being done.
So I went back to my bank statements, since I never use cash, and wrote down everything I spent money on these past few months. Now that I’m on my diet (7 pounds down. Can you even SEE me?) I spent about $100 less on fast food in July than I did in June.
But you know what I spend my money on? This house. The lawn guy, repairs. I might as well name this place House of Alf, for all the money Alf gets from this place. And what I like about Alf is very little, but he DOES talk me out of things, and I appreciate that. “Don’t fix that $500 thing yet. You can get away with that for awhile. What you need to fix is this $70 thing, in the next three months.”
And I didn’t mean it about not liking Alf, my ridiculous handyman. I kind of scored in the handyman dept.
So, I decided to go out and do things each day of my days off, and on Saturday I went to this restaurant and also earlier in the day got m’hair done. It’s back to being blonde because I went to my regularly scheduled hairdresser. She knew I had to cheat cause we had schedule angst, and what she told me was that other hairdresser, not knowing how porous m’hair is, had NO IDEA how fast and hard my hair would suck up color, and when I left there, that strange hairdresser was all, Mother of God, I did not mean to do that to that woman’s hair.
So that was a $59495402 day. And that is when I decided my “go do something fun” rule would have to be limited to free things.
Which explains how I ended up in a bar Sunday. God’s day. God loves a bar. But I got up with a friend from out of town–we met in Winston-Salem.
Anyway, I have a big list of things Ima do, and I feel less sad about having to stay home for my vacation.
Oh, but speaking of my weight loss, this ridiculous eating/drinking weekend notwithstanding, I’m in the, you know, (no, we DON’T know, June, but good writing) next…decade of pounds.
Like, let’s say I started this diet weighing 127 pounds, in which case I’d like you to come over here and punch my head slap off. So I’ve lost enough weight that I’m now in the next set of 10s. I’d be in the teens if I’d actually started this diet weighing 127. Hey, 119. Yeah, we can’t dance together.
Oh, but SPEAKING of my new/old blonde hair, hurr, on Saturday when I got home from having it done, a mere three hours later, I went in the back yard and took a picture of said hair, and put it on Facebook.
When my mother was here in July, she brought her tree face, and also her game face, as I made her compete in several Olympic events. Anyway, back in July, way back then, I nailed said tree face to m’tree, and plus also I’ve been looking at it on my mother’s tree for the last 40 years or whatever, so I thought nothing of it.
Here was every Facebook comment re my three plus hours and $32939292 of new hair: “There’s a FACE in your tree!” “June! Why is there a FACE in your tree!” “Oh my god! Did you know there’s a FACE in your–”
I think we should insist that it is a matter of etiquette that we READ PRIOR COMMENTS before we comment on Facebook. What say you? Can we make that a thing? Can we?
Lucy Van Pelt is the historical figure I identify with the most.
So speaking of historical, here’s the big day of the eclipse. And I’m sorry, but if you’re not excited about this once-in-a-lifetime (okay, maybe twice) event, you are a screw BALL.
Get you some Eclipse gum, get you some Bonnie Tyler’s Total Eclipse of the Heart going, and GET EXCITED! WOOO! WHO’S WITH ME?!
Anyway, I’m very excited and I plan to stare right into it with my naked eye. They say that’s a fantastic idea and I tend to agree. Afterward, I’m going to give Edsel some eclipse celebratory chocolate-covered grapes and let my cats play with dry cleaner bags.
Livin’ like a powder keg and givin’ off sparks.
Forever’s gonna start tonight,
June. And her moon.