I just hit snooze for an hour, then when I finally did get up, I put my contacts in the wrong eyes. I don’t mean I woke up Vladimir Putin and put my contacts in his eyes. You know what I mean.
Stay tuned for more tips from June Gardens, Efficiency Expert.
I never did write you this weekend, and I meant to. Now I have to catch you up. What would have been a lot easier is that extra hour to write.
First of all, it is so lovely here–has been for days. It’s cool out, and by “cool,” I mean the weather has on a beret and is reciting French poetry. I like how that’s my definition of cool. Cool to me is some combination of Lenny Kravitz and Fonzie. Hey, June, guess who’s maybe room temp?
It’s 61 degrees out, currently. I’ll bet it hasn’t been 61 in six months. All weekend, it was in the low 80s.
Stay tuned for more riveting weather reports from June Gardens, Efficiency and Weather Expert.
I have many things I want to say to you about paint, and how I want to paint ALL THE ROOMS now, and maybe even my front door again, I KNOW, but I think I will save all that for tomorrow. Because it’s a lot. And because I couldn’t sleep last night for thinking about color, which is super knobish of me, but there it is. The idea of changing the living room, dining room and back room to, say, these colors…
SQUEEEEE! squee squee squeeeeeee.
Also, I want ice cream. Lost half a pound this week, which considering I had onion rings and ice cream such as the ice cream above, I WILL TAKE IT.
Anyway, my weekend.
On Friday, when you last tuned in, I was leaving for work, and frankly was excited to see everyone. I never get that, “Oh, work, ugh” feeling. But also too I had a migraine, and was convinced I could shake it off, and guess what I did not do.
Oh, my god, I was sick. By 10:30 I had to race back home, in another adventure-filled ride of Can She Get Home Before She Barfs? I did, and immediately took the new anti-nausea pills my doctor gave me, and also my regularly scheduled pills, and spent the afternoon floating on a cloud of cloudiness, and it was lovely, and it turns out? My new anti-nausea pills work!
The good news is, I didn’t consume much but meds, and mmmmmm! Stupid migraines.
While I was convalescing, my mother called, as she is moving and keeps finding things of mine then calling to tell me she found things of mine. Behold my Christmas drawing of 11 pipers piping.
I mean. Had I not seen ONE image of the pipers, you know, with the right pipes? Not once?
On Friday night, my neighbor Peg’s daughter was back in town to get some more of Peg’s things and to meet with a Realtor and so on. Peg isn’t coming back–her health is too precarious. The daughter called me to come maybe see if there was anything of Peg’s I wanted.
My plan was to say no.
My plan was thwarted.
First of all, she had pictures she gave me of Peg and me over the years, and it was killing me. Also, she told me how Peg, who had been an interior designer, had SO MUCH STUFF, and she’d rather it go to her friends than sold to strangers. They’re STILL going to have to have an estate sale, but she encouraged me to take as much as I wanted.
So I did.
Ned had come over to bring me cat food Friday, as I was nearly out when I was stricken with m’head. When I got the call to go over to Peg’s, I told him I’d be right back. He said when I left, Edsel put his paws on the coffee table and watched me go till he couldn’t see me anymore, straining his neck to still watch, then he hopped down and just ran in circles for awhile.
Ned helped me move it all in, and oh, I also got two of her Adirondack chairs and a little table for the back. Anyway, Ned did that and then he had to go. “I’ll come back to help you move your other dining room table out, and put your old chairs in the attic, tomorrow,” he said.
WHO HERE could have waited? So with my migraine and everything, I moved all that stuff my own damn self, which I’m sure was safe, but I wanted to SEE it all put away and cute and everything.
When Ned came back the next day, he yelled at me. “If you’d fallen down those attic stairs, I’d have called here today and just thought you were doing something else and you would have been lying there for days.”
But I wasn’t. But-cha ARE, Blanche. You ARE in that chair.
Since the furniture bit was already completed, “You want to take a drive out to the country?” Ned asked. You know I’m always up for a drive to the country. And here’s what’s annoying about Ned. (Fay gets out her scroll.)
“Ned, the…whole point was to drive through the country,” I said, as we careened past the countryside at 87,000 MPH. “We aren’t racing to GET anywhere.”
We drove through a small town, and I made him stop so I could take pictures of things I liked, which I am certain annoyed him, as he wanted to TEAR OVER to…really nowhere. Driving aimlessly really isn’t Ned’s bailiwick.
Eventually, as all drives out to the country require, ice cream was in order.
We drove to the creamery, where they make the ice cream on site, and then you can eat it in their yard, looking out at cows and visiting BABY COWS and why do you think people like it there? And by “people” I mean June Gardens, efficiency expert.
They had a whole sign up there about how babies love to chew and calm down. So.
“Will you just smile, Ned?” I asked. “Just smile once.” Yeah. Glad I asked. I shoulda fed him to a cow.
Oh, and speaking of Ned being annoying, I’d brought 16 ounces of my fizzy strawberry water to the drive, and why. Why do I do that? And I know you know what happens next. I hadda pee s’bad by the time we got there. Oh my god. I was obsessed with peeing. I told Ned this maybe 49584929434 times as we approached, and when we drove up and parked, I was already opening the car door before it was in park.
I dashed inside. “Bathrooms are around back.” Goddammit. I was headed out when Ned said, “Hey, wait.”
Hey, wait. WAIT? Are you KIDDING me? I was like that commercial for overactive bladder. Wait.
“WHAT,” I asked.
“Don’t you want to order first?”
Sunday involved me finishing my freelance project, and billing for it 8 seconds later, and now I just gotta sit back and wait for my cash monies, which as you can see from these photos will go directly to the Fix June’s Nose project, funded in part by The People Who Must Look at June’s Nose, Which Includes People in Guam Because Hello, Nose.
God, I hate my nose.
I’d better go to work, because it’d be nice if I showed up there for a change.