It’s official: Ned owns our house. Fmr. His house. Crnt. It took months of dickering with his gaylord, who is a lawyer and was therefore a dick every step of the way. He used to like that guy.
Ned called yesterday as he was pulling up to his official house®. “Hey, I OWN this place now,” he said, excited. Then he walked in. “God, this place is a mess. They could’ve cleaned it up.”
So, that’s kind of exciting.
“Look at us,” I said. “You own a home now, I have good credit now. It’s like we’re 37!”
Speaking of my good credit score, yesterday I refinanced m’car. Got 2% less interest. I have no idea why that’s a good thing. It didn’t really reduce my car payment by all that much, but I guess I’ll pay it off sooner? I don’t know.
But now can we talk about paint? Because that’s all I want to talk about. I’ve been listening to this weight-loss hypnosis video on YouTube (oh my god, PLEASE don’t ask which one. This is the whole point of this story Ima tell, here), and I stumbled on it awhile back and never can find it when I want to see it again. So what I have to do is every day I have to look in my history and click on it.
Last night I looked at my history and all day yesterday and all day Sunday my history was just paint and not my usual porn. Paint colors, paint palettes, which paint should I buy, old paint, I see a red door and I want to paint it black, and finding that weight-loss tape (tape.) was not easy.
How humiliatin’ that I still think of anything recorded as a “tape.”
But let me get to m’point with some daguerreotypes of my house, fmr and crnt.
As you know, because you’ve been reading me for 10 years, and don’t you think that’s a little weird? Don’t you think it’s weird to read about someone you don’t know, EVERY DAY for a decade? Men always ask this, don’t they?
You know what men tell me? “I don’t know why it’s interesting to read about someone’s day-to-day life.” Men can suck it. NOTHING IS MORE INTERESTING.
Here’s another thing about men. I’m on 79 dating sites, and if I read one more goddamn profile that reads, I like to run, hike, bike, sail, swim, run with bulls, climb mountains, eat fire on my unicycle and pull trains with my teeth and I’m looking for a woman who likes the same.
MARRY A DYKE THEN.
Doesn’t any man out there just want to stroll through 10 antique stores, have lunch, maybe head to the bookstore?
I should marry a gay man. That is my problem.
No, I have NOT filled that Ritalin prescription. Why? ….OH! Because paint, yeah.
So as you know, because you’ve been reading me for 10 years, and don’t you find that odd, the person who owned my home previously was a big fan o’beige. Beige and brass. Which might just be my least-favorite smells. Brass-n-beige. I hate that band.
Look how little my living room used to be, well, me, other than the Lu-on-the-couch part. And I like that one blue pillow. I wonder if Marvin took that pillow. Goddammit.
Eventually, I painted the walls this color blue, and all was good in the land, and I was happy. I painted these walls in 2010.
I mean. Hey, brass chandelier. How YOU doin’? And heyyyyy, beige STRIPES, even! Fruit Stripe gum, if the gum BEGAN with no flavor.
My apologies to beige-loving-Faithful-Reader Paula, by the way, who would die in my cacophony-of-color house.
So now I’ve painted the dining room brown, and I remember complaining to Peg about the beige stripes, and she said, “I painted those” and yeah. Comfy feeling. But she helped me paint this room brown in 2011.
Now I’ve begun wanting to paint the BACK room a color other than (wait for it) FUCKING BEIGE, because other than Miss Piggy, no one is less beige than me. But in trying to decide onna color for back there, which obsesses me, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m no longer happy with the blue and the brown at the front of the house.
I mean, I LIKE it, but I think I want more muted colors now. I have become obsessed–obsessed!!–with what colors would look good from the living room all the way back to the back room. OBfuckingSESSED.
You know how I get on things. Paint is the new Ned.
I decided to maybe start with one color and go from there. So here’s a color I really like right now…
It’s Sherwin Williams Quietude.
Here it is in someone’s dining room. Oh, it looks just like my house!
Actually, I like all these colors. So, would it be okay to paint the living room and dining room two of these? Would you come to my house and be all MOTHER OF GOD STOP BEING MUTED?
I don’t know. I wish Peg were here.
So that’s on my mind now. And I realize my dining room needs a rug.
Anyway, when Ned called to say he officially owns his home now, I said, “Ooooo! Do you wanna look at paint this weekend, then?” HIs living room is a MESS. When we moved in, someone had “touched it up”with A WHOLE NOTHER COLOR. It’s terrible.
If I were him, I’d also be painting his bedroom, which is an unsightly green/brown, but he doesn’t mind it and it’s not in bad shape.
And, see, neither is mine. My paint is not in bad shape. Is it, I don’t know, self-indulgent to repaint six and seven years after painting? Am I Eldin on Murphy Brown?
I gotta go shower and go to work and try not to think about paint. I’ll be like Homer Simpson telling himself, Think unsexy thoughts. THINK UNSEXY THOUGHTS.
All right, I’m off. Think unpainty thoughts.
Luff, Colorful June