June wakes up to $15,000 in her account. I’M RICH!

Despite paying off almost all my credit card debt (I think this next check from my last huge freelance job will do it!), cash can sometimes be a tad low right before payday. For example. i.e. To wit: Yesterday I had $5 in checking.

Nice, June. And I DIDN’T TOUCH SAVINGS, I just went home and had popcorn for dinner, which is 8 points if you eat the whole goddamn bag, and of course I did, and now today I weigh two more pounds and GODDAMMIT.

“You don’t weigh yourself every day.” I can hear Ned’s sensible voice that I abhor. Remember when the internet said I had cankles and I was devastated? “You just need to really reduce carbs, and up your cardio.” Sensible voice. Oh, how I hate you, sensible voice.

Because you majored in aging-woman physiology, Ned. I remember now. Right.

Anyway, cash.

So, I knew payday was either last night or tonight, I’m never quite clear on which, even though I’ve worked at my job for six years and four months. Anyway, I took a gander at m’checking account, and?

I have $15,000 in there.

“WOAH,” I said. That’s some paycheck.

I’d forgotten I refinanced my car loan, and that was the company giving me money to pay off the old loan. They have a lot of courage, don’t they? I could just abscond with that cash. Get in the car and take off for places unknown. I wonder where I’d go. With my big 15 thou. Maybe Paris.

Oh my god, nose job. Ooooo! Oh, sure, she now owes $30,000 on a 2012 car, but take a look at that patrician nose!

Also, my extremely modern Callenetics tape (not a tape) is lost in the mail. I got an email from Amazon (and by the way, that image up there is A LINK TO AMAZON! Go shopping! You want $15,000?) saying my package was “undeliverable.” I have lived here since 2008. I have probably had Amazon packages come here once a month, minimum, since that time. Oh, my exotic address, in the middle of a neighborhood in the middle of my town. Okay.

Anyway, after two nice talks with Kimberly and Beverly, from Amazon and our U.S. Postal Service, allegedly it will be here tonight. Who’s up for a Facebook Live of me doing the entire workout for the first time?

Who wants $15,000 instead?

See, this is why it’s better if I’m broke. I’m certain I’ve already told you that when I was 6, my parents and I were at a head shop, because of course we were, and my parents on the spot decided I should have an allowance, to teach me to be responsible with money.

Dear Mom and Dad: How’d that go?

So with me right there listening to their whole debate, it was decided I should be bequeathed one quarter a week. A thing I mention, by the way, in any work-related salary-history request. “Well, in 1971, I made a quarter a week.”

They placed that quarter into my no-impulse-control hand, and I spun

I SPUN!

around the room, looking for what I could buy. My Aunt Mary started saving her allowance from day one. Thank god, cause she’s great to borrow money from when you’re in a pinch.

I bought a peacock feather, which to be fair I had on my headboard till 8th grade. Made a great cat toy! Not to mention a fine “It’s the 70s” decoration on your “It’s the 70s” wicker headboard.

What kinds of things from the 70s do you wish were still around? I don’t want to actually BUY any, but I’d love to be able to go to the store and just open the Prell. Sniff it a little.

Same with Noxema, which if I’m not mistaken, still exists.

I guess mostly I just wanna smell everything, because I also thought of Love’s Baby Soft right now. Also too, I’d like to say, “Let’s go visit gramma” and get in the car and there she’d be, in her knotty pine kitchen with her Cremora.

Okay, who knew? Go, Amazon.

Okay, Amazon is a fucking miracle.

Shit. I wanted my own gramma in her knotty pine kitchen, not Edie Gourmet or whoever this is. Why can’t I think of her name? Have I had a stroke? Laugh-In. Ernestine. Goddammit. All the rest of you are screaming her name at me right–LILY TOMLIN THANK GOD.

Well, the good news is, now I’ve put enough Amazon links in this bitch to ensure I’m a millionaire. Everyone who knows about this money-making scheme is all, “Oh, you should [insert clever marketing idea here that’s just slightly manipulative of you all].” And I always say, “What I do, see, is put links to Amazon in and I say, ‘Here is a link to Amazon. Go shop there so I make money.'”

I love it when people tell me how to talk to you, like I haven’t been doing so for years and suddenly I’m gonna become this super-phony saleswoman. Oh, but wait till Christmas. Ima be bonking you over the HEAD with Amazon ideas. I’ll be like the Bon Marche.

In Seattle, there was this department store called the Bon Marche, or, if you want to annoy me, The Bon. They always–ALWAYS–were having a sale, and on TV, 98 times a day, would be this ad, to the tune of Day-O.

Dayyyy-O! One-day saaaaaaale! One day only at the Bon Marche.

Oh my god.

My roommates at the time knew how I abhorred that commercial, and would always turn it up and yell for me when it came on. Also, there was a guy at work who’d absentmindedly go about the office singing: Day-O! Then 10 minutes later: One day saaaaale!

Goddammit.

Oh, good. Those are some jeans and shirts, by the way.

I gotta go. First of all, havin’ a hot flash, tropical hot flash, and also I must shower.

Have a good DAY-O!

HOOON

Hoon. Goddammit.

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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

81 thoughts on “June wakes up to $15,000 in her account. I’M RICH!”

  1. In the UK, Bon Marche is marketed as a store for the mature woman. Once you go shopping there, you’ve officially crossed over. I found myself oohing at something in their window & walked into traffic rather than accept it was my time.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I love that ad! I’m gonna have to use it somehow.
    I used to visit my Dad at his office and quickly learned that if I asked for water , it sounded like I was saying quarter, and the men would dig quarters out of their pockets and put them into my little hand. Turning tricks at three.
    I wish I had saved them.
    Also…I miss those great seventies shops….especially the vivid paper daisies.

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  3. Tang. Herbal Essences with the very 70s-looking drawing of a woman surrounded by flowers. Wind Song. The inside of a barn. (OK, that’s not 70s specific, but I spent a lot of my childhood in a barn on our farm)

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    1. I’ve been living in a cave! I didn’t know that half this stuff wasn’t still out there! I loved Herbal Essence! I wish it was a perfume!

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    2. I found something very similar in smell to the old drawing of the woman with long yellow hair on the bottle.Herbal Essence, not plural.
      It is shampoo and conditioner in one SILKIENCE SALON SERIES ADVANCED PRO FORMULA 2 IN 1 SHAMPOO AND CONDITIONER . The bottle looks very dark purple and the cap is black with a gold and white label in the middle of the front. 32 oz. for a dollar at dollar tree. I have an old bottle of Herbal Essence and the smell is very close to it.
      Loved the original..the new herbal essences are not it.
      I think I still have some of the perfumes mentioned (mom’s old stash).
      Cotillion/ Avon

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  4. I would love to smell Giorgio Beverly Hills Cologne to see if it was as awesome as I remember (It’s probably not!)

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    1. I think I would gag if I smelled Giorgio again. And God knows I loved that perfume in its heyday. I thought I was the shizz for wearing it, along with a jillion other suburbanites who thought they were swank. Now, it’s just cloying and overpowering and is on par with those Designer Imposter Perfumes.

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  5. If I could wear clogs and a mood ring and sink into a bean bag chair with the Fall Preview issue of TV Guide and a can of Tab, I would be a happy, happy person. (Yes, I would also wear PANTS. Jeans. And a poncho.)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oooh, clogs! I had the most beautiful pair of dark brown ones, but they had a platform and a high heel and I swear, they threw me in more places than I care to remember. I was always picking myself up off the floor. But darn it, I loved them and kept wearing them……and kept falling down.

      Liked by 2 people

    2. I also remember that the metal on my mood ring started peeling and made my finger green, but I kept wearing that too. I seemed to pick fashion over health in those days.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I don’t remember the commercial but I do know that the Bon had the best chocolate: Frango Mints. Priorities!
    Lovely post, pretty Hoon.

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  7. Another Herbal Essences fan, LaUral. I loved that shampoo and wish it was still around. Also Love’s Baby Soft. I wore that through middle and high school. That and Sweet Honesty. You were either one or the other in school in the 70’s (I think the Sweet Honesty girls were the slutty ones.). Does anyone remember Charlie? It was supposed to smell differently on each of us, so we all raced out to get some, and it was 96 different versions of stank. I hated that perfume, along with the song and commercial.

    What about the perfume solid compacts that Coty Sweet Earth put out? I think I had every version of that. And they were all on the bottom of my purse, half open, with lint stuck in the cream. They had a grasses one that was especially my favorite. Who doesn’t want to smell like hay? And Bonnie Bell Skin Musk, when musk was the big thing. That was kind of grassy too. I think I see a theme here.

    Jean Nate was more floral, Leanne. Like Lily of the Valley maybe, but with some spice in it too. Maybe musk? Musk was big back then. My Gma always wore that.

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        1. Oh, Paula, my mother wore Shalimar. It’s nice, and I have an immediate response to the smell, but you need to just use a t.i.n.y. amount.

          Worked with a woman, let’s call her Delia. If Delia was having a bad day, she’d spray her Shalimar in the air like room freshner. Instant migraine for Carol, and running to go grab a conference room to work in.

          Liked by 1 person

      1. That’s right! Sorry, I knew it was one of those C words. Then it was Cachet that was 200 versions of stank.

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    1. Once my extended family found out I briefly liked Charlie, I got it for every occasion. Finally threw out the whole stash! I was also in love with Jovan Musk. I remember getting the 18″ plastic bottle of Jean Nate as a gift when I was about 12 and not being sure what I was supposed to do with it. My family didn’t use “body splash.” We used soap and baby powder.

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    1. I love love love the VT country store catalog, got one not too long ago. The still sell all kinds of 70’s stuff!

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  8. i miss the feeling i would get when i walked into a pharmacy store like Walgreens. i felt like i hit the mother load of everything. i don’t feel that way anymore. good talking to you Hooon.

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  9. Tickle deodorant. Kissing Potions bubble gum lip gloss. Faberge Organics shampoo and conditioner. Smells of my youth….

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  10. I bought some gee your hair smells terrific shampoo from Vermont Country Store and it is definitely not the same. You also pay an extremely high amount of money. Then you open up the bottle and get nothing.

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  11. Love’s Baby Soft was the perfume for the middle school crowd although one of my friends wore Jungle Gardenia. But then she always was a rebel. In high school, us sophisticates wore Lauren by Ralph Lauren.

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  12. “It didn’t break, it didn’t break.”
    Prell introduced us to plastic shampoo tubes. Yeah, I’m THAT old.

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  13. I was thinking we should have Drug Store Day, where we each get a partner and then go to a drug store and buy the other person the most ’70s thing we can find. But then I thought we could do that at Xmas, and then I thought maybe this year instead of good deeds we should all chip in and donate to something really good and THEN I thought oh my god, I should have a Hurricane Harvey drive to donate to animal rescue there OH MY GOD WHO’S IN?

    Hey, Hoon, you get that Ritalin yet?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I’m in.
      I already put some on another rescue.
      The ASPCA looks worthy. I can give a little more.
      Good idea, Joob
      PS is your dog trainer meeting Edsel tomorrow?

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  14. I recently bought Jean Nate dusting powder at RiteAid. It is lemony, very lemony. I still like it. The zygote working there had no idea what dusting powder IS. I had to inform her. I am a fosill. I have Chantilly dusting powder too. l haven’t opened that one yet. I also still have Love’s Baby Soft body spray (K-Mart). I am not allergic to those old scents. Shalimar is a bit heady for me these days. Damn allergies!
    I despise those one day sales. They always pop up at the wrong time in the.budget and I hate crowds.

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  15. Herbal Essence is totally still around. Get out from under your rocks, people.

    Tame cream rinse! When did it go from cream rinse to conditioner? And remember when shampoo said lather, rinse, repeat? No wonder it switched to conditioner.

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    1. My Grandma always bought half-gallon size jugs of “Egg Shampoo” and Cream Rinse. Not Conditioner; cream rinse. I don’t even remember the brand name but I do remember the egg shampoo.

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  16. Love’s Baby Soft; kissing potion lip gloss, Short & Sassy shampoo (to wash my Dorothy Hamill cut) and my Mork&Mindy rainbow suspenders. hashtag good times

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    1. My first thought when she asked that question was that I would love to have a sniff of Love’s Baby Soft. And Bonne Belle Lip Smackers. And, yeah, I used the Short & Sassy to wash my Dorothy Hamill cut also.

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  17. Okay, let’s start raising funds for the ASCPCA in Brazoria County! I’ll keep you posted as the day goes by! paypal.me/JuneGardens (There’a a PayPal button on the right side of this not blog, too.)

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Sun-In spray hair lightener! Made me blonde, blonde, blonde all summer. Then I looked like crap all winter. Oh, to be 15 again!

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    1. Sun-In on any hair color other than natural blonde turned your hair a funny orange. We’d go back to school in September and it was always obvious who used Sun-In during the summer.

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  19. My grandma gave me a Jean Nate perfume stick for Christmas when I was in 5th grade. It looked like a big fat chapstick. My mom hated the smell (now that I think about it, she just hated Grandma) and I wasn’t allowed to wear it. So I used to leave it uncapped in my room like a Renuzit air freshener. I loved it.

    Also, Macy’s bought out The Bon (sorry, that’s what we called it) in the late 90s. The ads didn’t change for year, except they said Macy’s in the stupid annoying stuck-in-your-head song. But we in Yakima felt so cosmopolitan to have a Macy’s in town! We were movin’ on up.

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  20. Yes, Herbal Essence is still around BUT they have changed it. It is not the same. My whole childhood our family used HE and we would actually get stopped by strangers as we walked by, asking us what shampoo we used because it smelled so good. The stuff they sell now…meh.

    I miss summer days with the smell of Hawaiian Tropic and baby oil, while we drank Kool-Aid from bright colored metal cups and chewed our Spurt gum.

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    1. Spurt gum. We called it “cum gum” because we were all 10 year boys, even when we were 16 year girls.

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  21. When I got to go to sleep away camp in the summer, it was so exciting because I got to pick exactly what I wanted for shampoo and soap. I always chose Prell and Dove. And Paula, I’ll share my Fresca if you’ll share your Tab.

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Was the Herbal Essence commercial the “lookin’ like you just stepped oooout of the salon” one? I heard they changed the formula; I’m sure the signature scent was some kind of scalp-melting carcinogen. If you all get The Scalp Cancer you know who to sue.

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  23. I can’t remember any smells. What is wrong with me? Now, sounds, I have those memorized. The squeak in the front room (yes, I said front room) closet.

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  24. June, I used one of your many Junazon links to place an order. Anything to help you reach your first million.

    I can’t figure out why your new loan company gave you the money to pay off your old loan instead of NLC paying off OLC directly. I’m scratching my head over that one.

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  25. OK — I’m a faithful reader who never comments because when I get here everybody else already said all the interesting things there was to say. I didn’t have a chance to write yesterday, so I’m going to go off topic here because I think that June and her friends have a right to know:

    I work for a company that is partners with Facebook, and want everybody to be aware that VERY LITTLE that goes on with your account is truly kept private. In June’s case of using “thumbs up” in a private message only to see it displayed in people’s newsfeed, what happened is that when someone forwards you something posted to Facebook in a private message, what you’re seeing is a representation of a public post. Anything you do to interact with it (like, tag, etc.) while replying to the private message is considered public by Facebook’s standards.

    Facebook’s entire business is based on motivating people to look at their news feed all.the.time, so anything they can do to give people more content from their friends to look at, they will do. I know several advanced users with strict privacy settings who got fired because their boss (on a restricted list) ended up seeing a comment the person thought was only being shared with a close friend. There are just too many ways for things to go wrong for you to trust Facebook to adhere to your privacy wishes. My advice? Expect that anything you like or comment upon can be seen by anyone, and don’t touch any links or items from Facebook that were attached to a private message. If you exchange only text in a private message, you should be fine, but if you try to react to any publicly available piece of content in a private message, Facebook will have no qualms sharing your opinions with the world.

    Phew! I had to get it out my chest. Now, back to lurking. And June, if you decide to abscond with all that cash, I know someone who can set your laptop up so that you can continue to post to your non-blog website from Paris or the beach without being located to by the loaning company. Just sayin’.

    Liked by 2 people

  26. The Brazoria County SPCA is a great choice. That’s one county south of me, but still totally part of this metropolitan area. It will be put to good use! Y’all are awesome!

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  27. My daughter and I tried to go to our largest shelter last night to volunteer and donate. This particular shelter had not even been open 24 hours yet. They turned us away at the gate. They are overwhelmed with volunteers and donations. We’ve never been so delighted to be sent home! SO MANY PEOPLE are helping each other. It’s truly heartwarming and remarkable, and folks are so grateful.

    Liked by 1 person

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