I am a pleasure of life, I am berserk, June can't keep a doctor, June's stupid life, Neighbors of June

Two ADDs walk into a bar

You know what’s annoying about autumn?

“It’s not autumn yet, June.”

You know what’s annoying about you?

What’s annoying about autumn is that, at least here, you wake up one day and it’s sunny and 85 degrees, and then you wake up the next day and it’s cold and raining your ass, as my old neighbor Alicia used to say, as possibly English was not her go-to when it came to the languages. I could have listened to her say things wrong all day, and in fact often did.

Now, that’s when I shoulda been blogging, back in my Alicia days. From 1999 till 2005, when we lived in a fabulous duplex in LA…

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My place in LA, with all-different, LA cats. Note the spare backup cat behind me!

It was built in the ’40s, that duplex, and it had character, as did our closeted old landlord who lived above us. Anyway, from 2002 till we moved out, I freelanced, usually sitting in that pink chair in that dining room bay window, which gave me a wonderful view of the whole neighborhood, as we were situated on top of a hill. (Also, Marvin, did you take all those goddamn juice glasses? We had them in large and in small and WHERE ARE THEY?) (Also, look. A real phone. How cute. How retro.) (I wonder what I’d been snacking on, with my wadded-up paper towel. I can almost guarantee you that juice glass had white cranberry in it.)

Eventually, I became friends with my neighbor Alicia, and she’d get home from work around 3:00, and when she did, I’d TOSS down my freelance, SCREAM down my hill, and drink instant coffee with her in her kitchen while she complained about the celebrities’ houses she cleaned.

You know the celebrity who recently went too far with a joke about the president’s severed head? “Mija, she is a fuckin’ B!” Alicia once told me, which is my favorite thing, ever, because for Alicia, it was okay to say “fuckin'” but not “bitch.”

I have no idea what I was going to say about fall, up there. I guess that the weather is unpredictable. If, say, my no-nonsense boss had a blog, so far his blog post would read: Fall weather is unpredictable.

Oh, but speaking of bosses and ADD, last night I got up with my boss, fmr., who doesn’t work there anymore.

IMG_0108.JPGHe left in May. We’d been working together for six years, wanted to catch up, so we said, Hey, let’s get a drink after work.

We talked for almost five hours.

FIVE HOURS.

Dear Boss, Fmr.,’s Wife: Please do not beat me up.

That was always our problem. We’d start with a conversation about should this have an en dash and 25 minutes later be discussing the merits of India ink. And last night, I said, “Hey, I forgot to tell you (seeing as we’d been on 39493939449 topics), I’ve been diagnosed with ADD, too!” My boss, fmr., always talked about his ADD, like it wasn’t obvious anyway.

“What? You?” he asked, clearly surprised, LIKE IT ISN’T ALSO OBVIOUS. We must have made an impressive team at work. The Keystone Copy Editors.

I told him the story of how my doctor forgot that particular prescription after our appointment in May, and called me way after to say, “I’ve written that Ritalin prescription for you, just come pick it up any time,” and then of course I NEVER DID, and finally they mailed it, and of course I never filled it even though I’m at the grocery store where my pharmacy is 11 times a week.

Finally, FINALLY, this past weekend I remembered to take it to the counter, and you all would’ve lined up to slap the pharmacist, like that scene in Airplane where they all line up to slap the hysterical woman.

“Oh, I don’t have this,” she said, trying to hand it back to me.

I physically stepped away from the paper. “Can’t you, you know, order it or something?”

“Well, yeah, but it takes a long time? And it might be, like…(she paused dramatically) FRIDAY before it gets here?” She pursed her lips, waiting for me to rip the prescription from her and scurry into the night.

“That’s fine.”

“Oh!” she said.

“Look, it took me FOUR MONTHS just to get this thing here to your counter. It’s for RITALIN, did you see that part? Now that I’ve gotten this prescription all the way here, I’m willing to wait a few days for it to arrive.”

What if I take Ritalin and I become Roger Mudd or something?

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Photo on 9-7-17 at 8.20 AM.jpg
June Mudd

Me and my Some Hair and my rain ass weather ought to get in the shower. I have no laptop at work, currently, so I’m showing up just for appearances, like Queen Elizabeth’s husband. It’s been spooling maddeningly any time I try to write an email, which is 70 times a day, so IT said, “After the holiday, bring it in and we’ll work on it for several hours.” We set up a time, which was 4:00 yesterday.

I even sent them a spooling email yesterday morning. “We still on for the laptop thing later today?”

Yep.

Then at 4:00, I was writing a story and listening to the Pixies on my headphones and completely forgot to go to IT till about 4:57. Hey, June, did that Ritalin get there yet?

You know what’s annoying about autumn?

Love, June

24 thoughts on “Two ADDs walk into a bar”

  1. Diagnosed in Sept. 2015- Off the charts and my I.Q. score sucked. E.Q. is great. Adderall made me insane and now I am on Vyvanse and my house is very organized and all my beds are made.

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    1. I have one prescription that a lot of pharmacies will not fill. It is a very unsexy expensive drug which they do not keep in stock and are all meh when I ask if they will order it. I took it to the local CVS and they were all “yeah, we would like fill this for you but we don’t keep this drug in stock and we don’t even know if we can get it. So…. you might want to go somewhere else.” Oh OK, no problem, as I walk out doubled over from bladder pain.

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  2. My Kahuna has ADD but he doesn’t think he does. He will be talking about one thing start another conversation in the middle of the first conversation and then blurt out something unrelated to either conversation. When we first started dating it would drive me insane. For our second date he called me and started the conversation in the middle. “Do you want to go to the 6:45 movie or to dinner first? Oh and that was yellow” Kahuna says, My response “Who the FUCK is this?” Y’all we had been on one date. ONE! UNO! and he calls me like this. I am used to it now and sometimes will answer him in like kind. If anyone else listens to us it sounds like we are deaf and are just shouting out random things. Yeah Life with Kahuna is never dull.
    As for Autumn, what’s that? It has been 106+ for the last week and I would love for it to rain out my ass.

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  3. Also ADD here, but on the non-stimulant meds, which work a bit differently, but help nonetheless. You’ll be fine. Love the pile of cats in your lap!

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  4. I love your frequent subject changes. Maybe because I’m ADD too and in the morning, the meds haven’t kicked in. That’s pretty much how I tell every story. The story itself is probably four sentences long, but by the time I get to the end of it, my listener has suffered through several paragraphs of unrelated subject changes.

    Ritalin is what I take. You won’t feel numb or Roger Mudd-y. I feel like it just calms the “static” in my brain. There’s a noise constantly in the background of my thoughts like a TV off-station with the volume up high, while things are happening. It keeps me from being able to concentrate on anything because I hear the static behind my thoughts. Taking Ritalin stops that static. Plus side is that it curbs your hunger. Yay, Ritalin! Down side is that you have to kind of plan your downtime. If I know I want to take a nap on Sunday afternoon, I don’t take my Ritalin that morning.

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  5. Queen Elizabeth’s husband! Ol’ what’s his name.

    My son recently moved to LA and he finally got around to calling me yesterday. Rotten kids. I thought of you and your LA stories as he was telling me about his neighbor who has been taking they’re mail. She doesn’t really live there, her brother, Fernando does. And she blames him for for opening their packages saying her brother doesn’t see well. She’ll stand outside the building and just yell, “Fernando”! Apparently she doesn’t have a key and he doesn’t hear well either.

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  6. Fran! Mr. Horkheimer! Awww.

    I LOVED your Alicia stories. (Read: we need more Alicia stories.) Also, you are a brave soul bringing up the severed head situation, and I, not being as brave as thou, will not comment on same, except to say: interesting that Alicia thinks That Person is a fuckin’ B.

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  7. I like your ADD style of writing, I can’t imagine why! I have a co-worker who is from Venezuela and she says stuff like “he was caught like a deer with his headlights on!”. I love her.

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  8. Oh my Gosh! Roger Mudd. That killed me. You look beautiful in all these photos. Even the morning one. How do you do that?
    (Leeuna)

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