Why do birds suddenly appear

Where do birds go to die? Do they just fall out of the sky in mid-flight? If so, why aren’t we hit more often by expired fowl? Or smacked by bird carcass once they’ve lost their death grip on a limb?

These and other useless queries burn in my brain.

I also spent an inordinate amount of time this week speaking with a slightly younger coworker about which Charlie’s Angel he liked. He preferred Kate Jackson, which always baffles me. Why would anyone who isn’t a lesbian prefer Kate Jackson, when there were actual pretty Angels to choose from?

My coworker said he picked her because she seemed the most likely to give a five-year-old boy a shot at her, which is what he was at the time.

I had similar pipe dreams about Barry Gibb leaving his wife for a certain wiry-haired 14-year-old girl, so.

So, how is everyone?

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I am a NATURAL in front of the camera

IMG_0113.JPGWe had Spirit Week at work, and I know I told you my dreams and hopes and joys were shattered by events at work last week, so I was calling it Crush Your Spirits Week at work, but finally I knew I was going to be able to talk to The Powers That Be about my problem without crying yesterday, so I did, and I asked said powers to give it to me straight, and they DID, and now I have a fixable solution to my woes and I feel, like, 800 times better.

Part of Spirit Week at work was we gave people an opportunity to go to our studio space and have professional portraits done, and as you know, nothing says “professional” like our June. Really, I just went in there to take pictures of people having their pictures taken, to cover the event for the company newsletter. Naturally, as soon as I got there, no one was HAVING their picture made, so I had the guy pretend to be taking MY photo, and that is the travesty you see above. Fortunately, someone normal came in and had an actual professional photo taken, and I captured that on film and the newsletter remains pristine.

In fact, I’ve edited our company newsletter for five years, and this week I handed it over to a new crew. I decided I’ve done it for long enough–the longest anyone’s ever edited it, in fact. It’s going to be very hard to let that go, I think. Hard to see something happening at work and not think, I NEED TO WRITE THAT and STICK IT IN THE NEWSLETTER.

Anyway, today is Wear Your Alma Mater day, or Wear Your Sport day, or something. All I know is I’m wearing my Michigan State sweatshirt, and people will assume I attended one sporting event in seven years at MSU. Or that I know the fight song, or that I’m all, yay, Sparty or whatever Michigan State fans say to one another. Look, I know where all the BARS were in East Lansing, circa 1989. What more do you want from me?

I guess that’s all I have to tell you. The weekend yawns before me, with nary a plan, and I guess I’ll (wait for it) paint my bedroom and see if I can get Alf over to fix how I ruined the hallway by tearing down the wallpaper during my so-called manic episode, MOM.

I mean, it’s September. Do we think I will really never have sex with any delightful new man all year? Will 2017 really be the year of Oh, Forget It? Cause, seriously?

Maybe I should try trolling places other than the paint store. Maybe that should be step one. To be fair, I also went to Office Depot and got painter’s tape last weekend. So.

June. Puttin’ it out there at Sherwin Williams and Office Depot. Since 2017. I literally showed up at both places braless last weekend. If that doesn’t bring all the boys to my yard.

I guess my point is, I’ve made almost zero effort to meet men this year. In fact, just now, I was all, am I even ON any dating sites? And I looked at my phone and see that I am, but I haven’t looked at them in ages. Where should I go to meet the dudes? Doesn’t anyone know a nice, smart, non-vanilla man they can introduce me to? Must love 400 pets.

I’d better get in the shower and zip up m’Sparty sweatshirt, because go sports things.

Sportingly,

Juan

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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

24 thoughts on “Why do birds suddenly appear”

  1. “Non-vanilla”…

    And the woman whose phone constantly autocorrects “been” to “bdsm” and “going” to “flog” suddenly perks up.

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  2. I would stick with paint stores – any guy you find there is going to love painting and that would be the guy for me.

    So glad you are feeling better about the work thingy. I have my own work thingy weighing on my head. Not sure there’s a good resolution, but you give me hope.

    “7 years at MSU” – BAH!

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  3. oh i’m so curious on the work thing. but i know. work thing. in my mind there is a difference between dating and finding a fwb. younger men will help with the later. or at least my friend says so.

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  4. I happen to prefer living alone after my disastrous marriage, but men are plentiful at the grocery store around 6pm in my area. They seem very flirtatious, of course they probably just want someone to cook them dinner.

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  5. I’ve always wondered how birds can eat bees and not get stung. Or if a vampire drained the blood of a person with AIDS or Ebola, would they die? How can they die? What would happen?

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    1. P.S. When my daughter lived in SF, a pigeon made a nest in a planter on her balcony and laid her eggs there. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything as disgusting-looking as a newborn pigeon. They were truly hideous and made my skin crawl.

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  6. Try hanging out at Home Depot! No luck there either… Just a lot of “older” ladies who look through me when I need help and young guys who have no clue as to what I am looking for… so I don’t know… Is there a place to go? I did once meet a wonderful man at Home Depot and we were friends for more than 20 years before I left Phoenix for up north and NC…. but of course, he was married… lol… we were still friends though…. but that is sure not much luck is it !

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  7. An ornithologist says: “Birds are light in weight, thin skinned, have little fat, are covered with feathers, and have some hollow bones, so they are less dense and weigh a lot less than comparable sized mammals. When a dead bird hits the ground, it is almost immediately invaded by small decomposers in the form of bacteria and insects. Vultures and coyotes might also take part in the feast, but the tiny organisms are usually the quickest and most efficient. Being thin and light, a small bird decomposes into an unrecognizable blob in about a day and will disappear in three.” [https://ornithology.com/why-dont-you-see-dead-birds-laying-around/]

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  8. Your bird Qs remind me of a real conversation I had when my daughter was in the stage of asking an average of forty-seven questions per car ride that had no realistic answer. “Mom, what would happen if we rolled down the windows of our car, and a bird flew in?” “Well, what would happen if we rolled UP the windows BEFORE the bird could fly out?” “Sooooo, what if the bird made a nest in the car?” “Buuuuut, what if it got too hot in the car for her eggs? It’s hot here, MOM” and on and on and on.
    I did not love that phase when I was stuck with her in traffic, but now it makes me smile.
    I love your poses and hope one makes the newsletter you no longer edit. I’m happy your workie things worked out!

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    1. Possibly my favorite YouTube thing (instantly taken down, alas): Tippi Hedren sitting nervously on bench as dark bird shadows add up on wires behind her, and Karen Carpenter’s beautiful voice sings, “Why – do -birds . . .”

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  9. Where do birds go to die? My house, apparently. So far this year: one Cooper’s hawk, one woodpecker, one finch, and one bluejay. Plus the five starlings that must have belonged to some weird bird cult that committed mass suicide – I found them all at once. There was also a dead squirrel hanging from an overhead electrical line in my front yard for a few days last Thanksgiving. You’re welcome!

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  10. I did see a bird literally die in mid-flight. The poor thing was flying along, suddenly took an abrupt nosedive, and fell about twenty feet to the street. I turned to my brother and asked, “Did you see that?” And he said, “Yeah…that was pretty weird.” It wasn’t injured, it was just dead. I’ve never heard of anyone else seeing a bird die in mid-air.

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  11. Hi June,
    I am crazy busy at work right now, and should feel guilty for stopping in here at all–I don’t, which is why I have been absent. I am happy to hear that your work thing has a workable solution. I was so worried about you, I can sense how much you love your job and how much they love you. So yay! I have no idea how to troll for boys–so you’re on your own there.

    Lovely post, lovely June!

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  12. I am afraid I’m about to see some bird carnage right outside my window as I’m in Naples and the storm is about 4 hours away and here I sit, worried about wildlife. I hope my roof stays on and I just bought a brand spanking new car 2 weeks ago , storm surge a-coming. Trying to be brave but being in FL most of my life, this is the worst I’ve seen and am starting to think it’s bring-on-the-Ativan-time.

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