It’s a pretty good crowd for a–oh, shut up.

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steelee disgyze. you cannot see. …pay no attenshun to tale.

Right now, everyone is outside except for old Steely Dickly, here, and it occurs to me that if he were my only pet, I’d be miserable. He’s never HERE. He comes in to eat, maybe sleep with one gray arm strewn across his eyes, chew a few of my beloved clothing items, then leave for 17 hours again.

Also, that brick needs some sort of molding.

Speaking of pets who make me miserable, on Saturday, the trainer came to help me with Edsel.

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Eds not shur

She’d asked me a litany of Qs re Eds and his charming personality before she got here, and then when she arrived, we talked about him some more. When I told her that Tallulah died a year and a half ago, tears pierced the backs of my eyes.

Did you ever have that happen to you? You’re perfectly okay-ish with something, but then you’re in a clinical setting 800 years later and you tell the fact of the matter and it hits you all over again? Anyway that was me Saturday.

“And she was our leader,” I said, hoping I would not need a Kleenex. All the women in my row at work, and I just made it sound like Cell Block H. Who can take a nothing show that lasted maybe one season in 1974 and drag that joke out for 40 years? Anyway all the women in my row at work have colds, and I convinced self I was getting it too, so I purchased an entire SIX-PACK of Kleenex, mostly because it was on special and also at the end of the aisle so I didn’t have to walk very far in, and why so hippy.

“She was our glue,” I told the trainer. “And while she’d BARK at other dogs, like a very angry chesty women such as myself, she’d never actually HURT anyone. And so when any dogs were at our house, no one was ever attacked …UNTIL she was gone.”

The trainer worked with Edsel for awhile and surmised that basically he’s a sweet dog who’s completely unqualified for the position of leader, and I will not make a presidential joke here, and see how mature? She said that while Tallulah was BORN for that position, Edsel’s basically “a huge chicken” who, because he is, overcompensates and blusters and I will continue to not make any references to anyone who may or may not be in the White House.

She said he really has to know he doesn’t have to BE in charge, that I do (I do?), and then she showed me ways to show him that.

Now, here is where I get uncomfortable. Because when I put his little picture on Facebook and a video of him being calm around dogs this weekend, I saw a lot of “tell us EVERYTHING” comments, and then I was all, Oh dear. Do I release the trainer’s state secrets? I mean, I just paid her a shit-ton of money for those.

IMG_0164.JPGSo I’ll …kind of tell you? Will that work?

Okay, so first of all, we yelled at him. I don’t mean I stood over him and told him all the things about this relationship that have bugged me all these years. But when he came near my food, he got a

HEY!!!!

a very sharp

HEY!!!!

that startled him, and let him know he was NOT MY EQUAL (he isn’t?) and that he can’t just, oh, have my yogurt any old time (he can’t?). Oh, he was stunned. He was a letter C, and basically he tried to hide INSIDE one of the wooden chairs.

This lead me to want to go hug him, and tell him he was a good boy, but it turns out that’s how I turned Edsel into the psycho that he is, and I have to be firm with him, yet still love him, and WHO THE HELL KNEW.

So after I’d let him know who’s boss (WHO IS THE BOSS, I THOUGHT IT WAS TONY DANZA), we went on a walk in order to see other dogs and really show Eds the old iron fist.

Lemme tell you something. It was a beautiful Saturday. It was a pretty good crowd for a Saturday, and that lyric has always bothered me, and I realize Billy Joel is a millionaire and I’m not, but what a dumb line. It’s right up there with “Like a knight in shining armor, from a long time ago.” Oh, thanks for the specificity, there, historian.

I mean, WHEN WILL YOU GET A BETTER CROWD AT A PIANO BAR THAN A SATURDAY.

Anyway, my point is, it was a perfect Saturday afternoon in my dogged neighborhood, where every yahoo has a dog, and?

No one. It was like there was a dog strike. We couldn’t FIND a dog. Who did we have to fuck to find a dog around here? I even went to Ava’s house and knocked on the door to see if they’d bring her out, like bait. They weren’t home.

COME ON.

Finally, FINALLY, one woman had an ancient black Lab, and sure enough, Edsel whined like he always does, and the trainer

SNAPPED his two

TWO! (for safety, due to the come-with-me-and-escape-my-collar thing from last time oh my god PTSD)

leashes, said “HEY!”

and even squirted him with a squirt bottle. Oh my god, did he letter C. “Edz haff no idea. Edz totleee sorry. Do Edz need to rite letter to lab? He so will.”

I mean, he got submissive immediately. In the past, when he snarled at dogs, I screamed and yelled, but it never got through to him. I have no idea why.

After that, we headed to the park, in search of more dogs.

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edz gets it! he do!

Y’all. He was  DREAMBOAT. I realize my ass is not what you’d call a dream, but it was a boat. Nor is that SWEATER anything to write home about STEELY DAN GODDAMMIT, but that dog.

IMG_0178.JPGDude, look at that. Two huge dogs over there, and there’s my dog. Oh, just strolling past. IT’S A GODDAMN MIRACLE.

1FA64514-33CD-4F37-AD1B-E4B9A2309E2F.jpgAfterward, he slept for 17 hours.

Yesterday I had to go buy a second leash and Dear Harris Teeter: If you’re thinking, “Oh, we’re good on our supply of leashes for dogs,” you’re deluding yourselves. I had to get him a RED leash, which has zero to do with his whole cool blues and seafoams look he has going with his Gentle Leader and Martingale collar, and I, for one, am aesthetically displeased. But we walked and walked, and for once I was DYING to see a dog, and WHERE THE HELL were all the dogs this weekend?

Finally, we saw his favorite thing, a puppy, and it was DYING to come see us, and Edsel put up his (considerable) ears and I HEY!‘d him, and SNAPPED the leashes and squirted him just once, and?

I was walking a letter C.

The next dogs we saw? Zero incident. And those people know from Edsel and me. I could tell they were surprised. “Is that dog unwell? Did she lobotomize him?”

So that was worth it. If you’re local-ish, I linked to her at the top of this, so if you ask me how to reach her, I will snarl at you like Past Edsel, and I wonder where he got his unpleasant personality.

Love,

June

P.S. I’ve been on Ritalin since Saturday. Having just read this without knowing that, can you tell at all? I can’t tell, but I will say this: RITALIN IS WONDERFUL. Oh my god I’m on the top of the world lookin’ down on creation.

Valley of the Dolls-ly,

June again

48 thoughts on “It’s a pretty good crowd for a–oh, shut up.

  1. “Edz haff no idea. Edz totleee sorry. Do Edz need to rite letter to lab? He so will.” Bwahaha! When I tell you I snorted coffee outta my nose laughing at that, I am being perfectly honest. Hilarious. So very glad that the trainer was able to give you and Edsel back your beloved walks, and oh my God that picture of him sleeping? Have I ever mentioned how much I love your dog, the one I have never met? Lovely post, lovely June.

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  2. Do you remember that British dog lady who used to be on TV – the There Are No Bad Dogs lady? I learned so much from that old broad. She got so much crap from people who thought she was mean to dogs because she would snap leashes and correct behaviors in that clipped British accent. But she was right! Dogs are much like toddlers and teenagers (I’ve had all three, so I’m qualified to compare) – they need to know who’s in charge. Otherwise they will assume it’s THEM even though they know that’s a really bad idea.

    Edsel is a good boy. Now does the trainer do cats? Can she stop that beast from eating your entire wardrobe? Luckily for you the destroyed look is SO in right now! Although why in HELL people would pay good money for clothes that is literally shredded is beyond me. If that’s my goal, I can stay home and wear what I already have!

    Lovely post lovely Leader June!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Totally serious, kids send my son jeans and jean jackets to destroy. He rips, shreds, cuts, washes and dries them, then sends them back. And he gets paid handsomely for his few minutes of destruction. I swear I need his life.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. My daughter was really hot for a pair of destroyed jeans at Hollister, and of course they were not part of the $25 jean sale – they cost $60! But the $25 jeans were not destroyed enough. I finally convinced her to google how to destroy jeans and buy two $25 jeans and then make the holes bigger on her own. You can find out how to do anything on Youtube.
          Congratulations to June and Edsel, and hurray that walks are now back on the agenda.

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  3. That’s awesome that the trainer is helping you get through to Edz. You’re not being mean, you’re just getting through to him that he doesn’t have to run the show. I’m not so good with the discipline with animals either, and want to hug it out while they act like lunatics. But I realize that you have to do that in order to get your point across to them. I’m sure once he gets it, he’ll be just fine and you won’t have to HEY him so much.

    Hey, hey, Edsel, I wanna marry you. Stop being a dick!

    The trainer has a lovely smile and beautiful teeth! She must eat those doggie dental treats. I love that Edz is trying to show his beautiful teef as well.

    So do you feel a lot more quiet in your brain with the Ritalin? I feel like it just stops all the static and racing thoughts always going on up there. I’m glad that it’s making you feel better.

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  4. OMG, I wish I’d “known” you and read this site back in 2004 when we got our now 13 y.o. WackaDoodle bc that thang canNOT walk on a leash. We clearly needed better training, all of us. I’m happy it worked for you and Edsel, so you can love him again and not fear what he’ll do….

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    1. Pam, my ex has an awesome Labradoodle who is like that. She’s the happiest dog I’ve ever seen, and so loving and enthusiastic about everything. But when he puts a leash on her to walk, she looks like a firework tethered to the ground. She just keeps shooting off in all directions while he holds the leash. He gets so frustrated with her while I think it’s hilarious. She’s so darn stubborn and will not listen to correction. The ex was such a control freak. That was a big part of why our marriage ended. I love the fact that he now has ME as a dog. Uncontrollable and oblivious to his attempts at being the boss.

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  5. This post just made me so happy.
    Good boy, Eds!
    The trainer really is a miracle worker.
    And that giant C’s just screaming you have control.
    Go June!

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  6. I am so darn happy for you and Edsel! The Ritalin must be working. You didn’t get off track in your story telling. But if you don’t continue to write like you have been, the way that’s captured all our hearts, I’ll personally come and take your meds away from you.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I’m so proud of Edsel! What a nice dog! He’s going to be one of those dogs people see and think, “Wow! How can come I get my dog to be as calm and well-behaved as that one?” Also enough the Ritalin! Mine helps my migraines! I actually only get them when my prescription runs out.

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  8. The only reason my Golden can walk so well on a leash is that he went to boot camp for two weeks when he was a puppy. My other 3 dogs are hell on a leash.

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  9. Edz wanted a demotion. He not want to be boss, he want frizzy haired lady to be boss. I am so glad you have a plan now for him. Also and too I so want to try Ritalin. Remember on Desperate Housewives when Lynette took her son’s Ritalin and she got so much done? Yeah, I want that. But it would probably back fire and I would be all hyper hyper active and I would have to take downers to calm me down. It would be like that skit on Old SNL where Dan Akroyd was selling you Puppy Uppers and Doggy Downers.

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  10. This trainer is really unbelievable. She came to my home a few years ago and worked with me and my crowd. I am going to get her back to work with this new dog, as soon as I get Balou vetted etc. I am working with her, using what I remember from before, and the squirt bottle is phenomenal! I’m so glad you found success, and that Edz doesn’t feel like he has to be in control of the house anymore! Sweet doggy that he is.

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  11. Oh and I forgot to mention. Damn it Steely Dan! How do you stop a cat from eating your clothes? I would be livid. Such a cute sweater

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  12. That trainer is a hero to all! I’m happy for Eds since he so clearly loved walking with you, and happy for you that you can relax on walks and not be afraid to see other dogs in the area!

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  13. Thrilled for you that she was able to help that sweet boy! Maggie and Howard are both reactive and lose their shit on leash but they are both the sweetest. They will be best friends with all dogs but not when they’re in leash. It’s annoying as hell as well as being embarrassing. Lucky you that you get to go for relaxing walks now!!

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  14. This was RIVETING to read, as I was just sure that there would be an awful ending, and am so happy that there was none. Also, every single photo of Eds with your caption made me snort with laughter. Dare I say you are just as funny, if not funniER on your happy pills. Yay for Edsel!

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  15. I growl at my dog… for real! Growl, big mean eyes, lip curled, snarl – I’m all in! People laugh at me but, other than a few things that annoy me, she is super easy.

    In case carrying a water bottle gets old, you could go old school with a water gun ring, broach or one of those penis water guns that they have for bachelorette parties!!

    In your pictures lately you keep looking younger and now in these pics, looks like Edsel is too!

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  16. The trainer definitely earned her fee. So glad you were finally able to connect and Edsel can be demoted from being Charles in Charge. Good luck with the continual training using what you’ve learned.

    Did I notice you were on Ritalin? I wouldn’t have thought about it, but since you mentioned it, I did notice your entire post was on one subject. Lovely post, lovely June.

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  17. When you described folding your blanket instead of just throwing it on the couch I instantly assumed that that was attributable to the Ritalin. The changes that come from taking Readlyn are both settle and dramatic if it’s doing what it is supposed to do.

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    1. Gwen, I’m sorry you’ve had a stoke while leaving me a comment. You know, I cleaned the house Saturday, did my freelance work like a CHAMP Sunday, grocery shopped and also sent a bitchy note to someone on OK Cupid. I’m a machine on Ritalin.

      Liked by 2 people

  18. Hi June,
    Just leaving a speedy comment here as a nuzzle to Edsel. I am thrilled that the training had such a dramatic positive change for him and for you! Hooray!

    Lovely post, lovely June!

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  19. I wonder if a spray bottle would work for my idiot cat, Albert. I’m currently using that canned air stuff, which terrifies him and amuses me no end. Meanwhile, Phyllis has no fear of the canned air but knows that if she cries, I’ll shoot it at Albert. Now that little shit (Phyllis) cries if she just catches sight of Albert, hoping I’ll blast the canned air at him. What a conniving little bitch. Granted, he does drive her crazy, but sometimes he’s just walking by, YOU KNOW, PHYLLIS? CHILL. Ok, so both of my cats are insane. And Nova sleeps through it all.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I have to keep a spray bottle in the kitchen because my fool dogs keep trying to kill the cat when he comes in. It’s to the point all I have to do is move my hand toward the bottle and they both scamper away.

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  20. I am thinking Edsel slept for 17 hours( I know you don’t mean that literally) because he is glad to not have to be the leader now.

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  21. Good morning. Checking in after 24 hours without power courtesy of tropical storm Irma and the multitude of trees that were knocked down in the Atlanta area. I’m not complaining because some of my family in Florida have been without power since Sunday night and don’t know when it will be restored.

    Hope Sandra in Naples and everyone else are all okay. The nightmare traffic as six million Floridians head back home has got to be horrible for everyone involved.

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  22. Southbound traffic on I-75 south of Eagle’s Landing Parkway was stopped then the GPSs route all the traffic off the interstate and clogs our back roads.

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