June loses 10 lbs., gains insufferable personality

Two-and-a-half months I been a-dietin’, and I have no idea why I just launched into Junior Sample–speak just now, especially considering my new svelteness. Because as of this week, I have officially lost 10 pounds on said a-diet.

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Before
Real Amy
After

My dramatic weight loss–and let’s face it. Any weight loss with me is going to be dramatic–is attributable to Weight Watchers and their app, plus depression. I’m always vaguely depressed. I think I was born depressed, the way George Bailey was born older. But it ebbs and flows, and lately I been ebbin’. I’m down in the valley, valley so low. If my depression were a salad dressing, it’d be Hidden Valley Ranch. And I don’t even LIKE ranch dressing, to add insult to ebbin’.

So, the silver lining is, I’m incredibly thin. And I know it took a long time to get to 10 pounds, but slow weight loss is the way to keep it off. That’s one of those annoying things they always tell you, along with muscle weighs more than fat; don’t go by the scale, go by how your clothes fit; snakes are more scared of you than you are of them; and you’ll find him when you stop looking. All of these statements make me want to ram ham hocks straight up everyone’s nethers. Everyone’s. Even Suzanne Somers. Who’s over there minding her own business.

And look. I know this 10 pounds is a mere spit in the ocean of m’pudge. I know that tomorrow I will be living yet another hot pudge Sunday. But tell that to my considerable ego. Because ever since I lost five pounds, even, I’ve been insufferable.

A few days ago, I saw that little girl in my neighborhood? The one I like? The one with June hair? She looked right through me. “Hey,” I said. “Oh!” she was startled. “I didn’t recognize you!”

“It’s because I’m so thin,” I smugged to myself. I mean. Ten pounds. So imagine how delightful I’ll be 10 pounds from now. Imagine how much you’re all gonna like me at T minus 20.

My mother, who has to be Debbie Reynolds and grab all the glory, is also losing weight. She’s been moving, and attributes it to being too busy to eat, and also moving around more. We discussed the scale and people’s comments (naturally she’s gotten more than I have) and so on.

Then we paused.

“Are you assuming you have cancer and that’s why you’re really losing weight?” I asked.

“Oh, of course,” said my mother. This is where I get it. “Me, too,” I said, despite the fact that for the last 75 days I’ve limited myself to one slice of see-through bread a week.

“It’d be just like you to get cancer when I have it, and then everyone will be all worried about you and not me,” I kvetched. It’s true. She’ll have lines of people fighting over who will bring her casseroles, and I’ll have to beg Dominos to bring me a pizza in the rain.

Oh, but speaking of no one liking me, as part of my trying to drag myself out of my depression, and you’d think with as lithe as I am I’d be happy, but there it is, I decided to organize a little “happy” hour after work yesterday. A June pretends to be happy hour. I emailed about 30 coworkers, asked them to meet up after work at a bar nearby. I left work right on time, drove over there, sidled up to the bar to wait for the crowds, and?

No one came.

I sat there like a loser, a thin loser, for an hour. Occasionally I’d go to the window like a dog, hoping I’d see someone I work with ambling down the road, but no. As I made my way to the parking lot, I kept telling myself, DO NOT take this personally. It was NOT YOU. People have kids, or plans, or maybe the whole building collapsed and you were the only one to get out alive.

But as I made my way out of the stupid parking lot, tears were forming. Goddammit.

Maybe my coworkers are sizeist. Maybe drinking with a size zero is just too much for them. Or they worried I wouldn’t be able to handle alcohol, with my petite figure and all. They wanted to save me from drunken humiliation. Yeah. That was it.

So I had to will myself out of bed this morning, and force myself downtown to the Pride parade.

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Do you think maybe this is an homage to the new me?

The good news is, my car didn’t even beep to make me put on my seat belt, because it didn’t recognize that anyone was sitting in a seat. I considered making my own pride sign: LOST 10 POUNDS and joining in, but I didn’t have any colored poster board. Plus, could I really hold anything up that was that heavy?

IMG_0266.JPGMostly I was in it for the dogs, and I have to say that it was so bright out there that I was snapping pictures but could not see my screen. So that I captured anything resembling, you know, anything, was a miracle.

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IMG_0275.JPGI’m not sure if it was the sun or hell’s fire, but eventually, I was thirsty, so I stopped into the local bookstore for some apple juice, because apparently I’m 18 months old. I mean, I’m the weight of an 18-month-old, so.

The good part about our local book store is they have seating in the window. The bad part is they are forever having fucking events there, and you can never just order a drink, sit on the couch, and read a book.

I took my apple juice to the window, and at another table was a young man of color. “Are you part of the reserved group that’s coming?” Sure enough, I looked around and there were damn signs all over yonder: Reserved at 3 p.m.

“No. Really, I’d be more of an outgoing group than a reserved group,” I said, and the MOC laughed. We kvetched about how there are always events at that store, and how we liked to sit in the window and look at people, and as I stood up, he said, “I like your outfit.”

I have neglected to tell you that two people at Pride had said they liked my shirt, and, you know, earlier I’d taken that shirt off and considered another, because it’s very loose and swingy and I felt a little like it was all COME ON DOWN TO JOOOOOOON’S BIG TOP! do do dodododo do do do do….

Photo on 9-16-17 at 4.40 PM.jpgPhoto on 9-16-17 at 4.38 PM.jpgBut I kept it on because it covers m’ass, which is better than it was 10 pounds ago, but still.

The guy and I walked out at the same time, and dudes, he was 35 at best. Cute, though, and we were getting along like a house a-flame. “I’m not following you,” he said, as we left going the same way.

“Wouldn’t care if you were,” I said thinly.

“Well, if you didn’t care, I would follow you, because you’re pretty hot,” he laughed, as we got to the crosswalk.

“Oh, thank you! That made my day,” I said, and sauntered off IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION.

Dudes. What is wrong with me? Why did I walk away? I HAD NOWHERE ELSE TO GO, like Richard Gere. WHY DIDN’T I HIT THAT? Oh my god.

I’m going back there tomorrow. I’m sitting in that window all damn day. What the FUCK with me, man?

After I blew my chance at love, I went to the GNC for vitamin D supplements, which the salesgirl pointed out were “glu-teeen free,” and bless her heart, and then after she said, “I like your shirt” AND DOES THIS SHIRT HAVE HYPNOTIC POWERS.

Then I schlepped to the pet supply store, for a change, and ran into my old coworker Ian, who you may recall from your Big Book of June Events is someone I spent Christmas Eve with. He and his family live nearby, and I had a lovely time over there. His wife had sent him in search of a kitten. Someone she knew was at some adoption thing there, and she wanted him to check out said kitten, and I guess I don’t need to tell you I did not let him go on this mission alone.

IMG_0284.JPGI LOVE YOU, KIDDENZEZSES!!!

Isn’t it perhaps redundant to make them sleep on a kitten-themed blanket? Do we have to use sheets with little people on them? Generally, no.

Anyway, it was nice to see a coworker who actually likes me, as opposed to the 30 who apparently don’t, and we made plans for this Wednesday, and also today I got invited to dinner at Lilly of Chris and Lilly’s on Tuesday, and we got many delightful charges out of saying, “See you next Tuesday” and even “CUNextTuesday” and much maturity throughout the land.

The point is, I’m glad I ran into Ian, although no words were exchanged about my shirt.

Now the night yawns before me with nary a plan, but I might rent a movie and of course walk this cur, who has had his jaw on my lap, my ever-diminishing lap, this entire time. At least Edsel likes me, but that’s what he’s paid to do.

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edz cannot beleef you did not hit dat todaa, mom. nice werk.

Slightly,

June

43 thoughts on “June loses 10 lbs., gains insufferable personality

  1. I got cancer and gained 30 pounds. Which has nothing to do with anything except I am CRANKY about it and where was all of that magical cancer weight loss? I want my money back.

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    1. Me too, Anne, me too. I gained about 20 lbs with the breast cancer and meds and gained another 20 lbs when there was a mass on my thyroid and it stopped working. Diabetes? No weight loss. Damn it, can’t I just have an illness that makes me LOSE weight for a change? IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?!?

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  2. That made me sad that no one showed up for after-work drinks. Don’t people talk there? Like, “OK, see you then.” Or, “Oh, sorry, I can’t make it tonight.” I’m sure they love you, though. Just like the MOC you let get away. And look at all the love on Edsel’s face. You want a Gay Pride parade? Come to San Francisco sometime when that’s going on. You will be speechless.

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  3. Congratulations on the weight loss! 10 lbs is a lot. Does WW still suggest that you lose 10% of your weight? That seemed like such a much more realistic goal until I realized that I’d still have to lose X amount of weight.

    Did coworker (fmr) Ian get a baby kitty baby?

    I LOVE the lady in the striped ensemble.

    Oh, planning a get-together and nobody showing up hits awfully close to home for me. True story: when I got married, my non-sibling bridesmaid hosted my bridal shower. Invites went out and on the day of my shower, not a single “friend” bothered to show up. Every time I heard a car coming down the street, I kept thinking, “Oh, here they all are!” Nope. Fucking bitches. To this day, I’ve never felt such soul-crushing hurt.

    Those kitties all have sleepy eyes and I love them all.

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  4. Almost forgot. Congratulations on the ten-pound weight loss! I’m pretty sure I found them. What do you mean, eating ice cream every night will do that?

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  5. I just know if I ever attempted to host something, not a person would show. So I don’t host. Ever. Those kittens sure are cute. And there are two gray ones who would match your color scheme. I’m so happy you can take Eds on walks again.
    Congratulations on the weight loss. And can I say how happy I am to type congratulations and not have it turn red and shower me with balloons?
    Have a lovely rest of the weekend.

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  6. You look beautiful June – ten pounds on or off, no matter. And I like that blouse on you every time I see it.

    Those kittens are so adorable! I admire your restraint!

    We should one day talk about times we felt like no one liked us or felt left out… I bet everyone has one of those stories. I’m sorry yours is so fresh. And I’m sorry for yetanotherkelly, too. Hurts like that can last a long, long time.

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  7. Ten pounds off is extraordinary in my book! Congratulations! I keep gaining, losing same damn five pounds….my scales hate me. Feeling is mutual.
    Sorry that your co-workers were AWOL but this time of year is busy with kid sports every night. They should have let you know tho. People are sometimes axxholes. Some people are always axxholes!

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  8. Is that picture of the motorcycle riders from the Guinness Book of World Records? It looks verrry familiar. Every year, I wanted the Guinness Book of World Records from the book fair. I could check it out of the library, but I wanted my OWN copy. I was fascinated by the lady with the long curly fingernails. How did she eat? How did she unwrap things? How did she change clothes?
    I’m sorry you have the blues. Everyone I know has the blues. Around here, it’s Harvey’s fault. sigh.
    On a happy note, I adore your “after” picture! Lots of hair and nekkid.

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  9. I have a navy shirt with white polka dots (I believe what they used to call dotted Swiss in the books I read as a child), mostly because it was the only shirt I could find that fit a very short person with large boobs and a menopausal belly, and EVERYONE compliments me on it. I guess I’m a dotted Swiss sort of person.

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  10. I’m sorry that everyone blew your get-together off. That sucks! I’m sure that your coworkers love you just as we do. Must have been a bad night for everybody. Or maybe you didn’t send a reminder out and everybody forgot? As a planner of several social things at my work, I’m amazed at how much people do forget if you don’t constantly remind them.

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  11. In case you were not aware, September is the worst month for depression. Can confirm. Daughter has checked into psych hospital with suicidal thoughts. At least she’s getting some help.

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    1. I’m sorry your daughter is struggling. I hope she gets the help she needs. That must be really tough as a mother, to watch that happen.

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  12. TEN POUNDS! That is wonderful! Congratulations!
    I hate that you are down in the dumps. I hope that the good thoughts and love I am sending make it through the internet straight to you and that they make you feel a little more fuzzy inside.
    Lovely post, lovely June!

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  13. Boobs = Outfit. He would have loved it if you went with him.
    I’m sorry people were a no-show. All of US would have shown up. Then what would you have done?

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  14. I too am sorry no one showed. I can’t help but believe just no one saw the invite, June. Look, you KNOW without a doubt that the vast majority of US just LOVE you. I can’t imagine that your co-workers don’t feel the same way. Also, I hope you run back into the beautiful man of color and by God this time, I wish you’d employ the wave in motion like the dudes who direct airplanes on the runway. You know kind of like arms outstretched, then point to your boobs, alternate outstretched, then boobs. I bet you wouldn’t even NEED those neon orange hand wand thingies to get his attention. I’d wager, anyway. HA! I loved having a Saturday evening post, it was an unexpected treat. I’ve spent the day nursemaiding (is that supposed to have a hyphen?) my Summer cold having spouse. Hey, don’t let me act like I haven’t actually enjoyed it. I love showering him with such affections, as he’s just not the kind of guy who will tolerate such fussing on a normal day. If One could earn a living being a Professional Fusser, Jeebus I’d be rich. How did you resist that most awake gray kitten? Oh my God how cute is that thing! Also, can’t go before reminding you that I am totally in love with your dog. Oh, and I like the top, too. It looks really good on you. Hope you’re having a non blue kind of evening.

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  15. 10 pounds is fantastic! And your boobs have stayed which is even better. Whenever I lose weight it comes off first from my boobs. Life is so not fair sometimes.

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  16. I dreamed that everyone, including my closest friends, hated me and I got fired and I’ve been in a funk ever since I woke up. It was awful awful awful terrible.

    Who sends their significant other in search of animals? I just assumed that everyone is like me and would want to participate in that fun. Did he pick out a kitten?

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    1. Twice, when we lost a cat (to old age), and we were ready to bring a new kitty into our home, I made my ex go to the rescue and pick out the new cat, only because I know myself, and if I went, we would come home with every cat in that room, or I’d be crying for weeks because I couldn’t bring home every cat in that room. He was good at picking out great cats, too.

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  17. I think now that you’ve been blatantly hit on, you’ll realize what’s happening the next time and who cares about the age. Except I would like to point out to you that black don’t crack and it’s quite likely that MOC was 47.5 so just go with it girl.

    Also, I big puffy heart that shirt and would like to win it in your next giveaway. You might have been trying to cover your behind, but your front looks really good in it.

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  18. Ten pounds is a big deal – I’m like the other person who said their scale hates her. I continue to lose and gain back the same damn 5 pounds. 10 is my goal but that mean-spirited 5 keeps getting in my way!

    Yes, that is an awesome shirt. Loved the movement pic!

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  19. I have had that party where nobody showed up too. It is hard not to take it personally, but I can usually eventually talk myself down into believing people didn’t see the invite, or were busy etc. Heck, I have had things I was really looking forward to going to that when it rolls around I can’t pull it off schedule-wise, so I try to think that way about everyone else. Keels me from murder anyway.I was so glad to see you posted again! With kitten and parade pictures no less!

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  20. See-through bread! I feel like it only has one side it is so thin. Ten pounds! That is a lot, way to go. Those kittens!!! I can’t believe your friend’s wife sent him to check them out and he leaves empty handed.

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  21. SlimJoon,
    So sorry people (assholes) didn’t show up – there has to be some reason. Because we regularly scheduled readers KNOW your co-workers like you. And 10 pounds is a big deal. I would be so happy with that . And then 10 more. And sadly, 15 more. That outgoing/reserved comment was hilarious.

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  22. I have SUCH social anxiety about planning events and no one showing up. I usually can’t even get that far because my asshole millennial fiends DON’T EVEN BOTHER RESPONDING so the event flops before it has a chance to happen! I have friends who KNOW that if we talk about doing something I will NOT be the one to send out the invitation or group text. When no one responds I feel crushed!

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  23. Congratulations on your 10-pound loss. That’s quite an accomplishment. Hope today is much better for you. Of course, getting hit on by a handsome man certainly improved your weekend.

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  24. After hosting a few MLM parties for my friends, I finally had to tell these friends “you do NOT want me to host a party for you – it will be a waste of your time and mine because NO ONE WILL FREAKING SHOW UP”. I’m just not one of those people who knows a lot of people and the people I do know, don’t have a lot of extra cash to spend on plastic bowls or makeup. So yeah…I’ve had a few of those “no show” parties myself. Sucks.

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