Am British · June's stupid life

I’ll worry about that when I get to it

Something woke me up last night–I can’t even remember what, now, but it was something I should probably be planning or preparing for, but what I did instead was roll over, thinking, “I’ll worry about that when I get to it,” and realized that will likely be my epitaph, which, by the way, June, nice 401(K).

What do you think your epitaph will be? Will it be, “Leave my four-oh-wonk to June”? Because that would be helpful. And not at all annoying to your families. Your “Who the hell is June?” families.

Speaking of getting our bearings, or if you really wanted to make me happy, speaking of orientating ourselves, and here is where I smile painfully at you because you’re leaving me your four-oh-wonk, guess what happened. I got my DNA back! And actually, they DID tell me who my father is! It was all very Maury Povitch.

Apparently, my father did that Ancestry.com test as well, and in what I think is kind of intrusive results, not only do they tell you what countries you hail from, even though I’ve never precipitated in my life, they also tell you if you are related to anyone in the world who’s ever taken the test. They are “extremely confident” that my father is my father, which is all very dramatic, considering I pretty much look like him in drag.

IMG_0289.JPGOkay, I don’t here, per se, but trust me. I knew the dude was dad.6a00e54f9367fb88340133f15c134f970b-800wi.jpgOkay, here. You can tell here.You can also tell it was the ’80s.

Anyway, on to my results…

IMG_0310.PNGIf you read all those sort of vague ones obsessively the way I did, signs point to French and German a lot. Also, the one that says I’m either Greek or Italian COULD ALSO MEAN FRENCH, which, come on, but if it DOES mean Greek or Italian, I hope it’s not Italian, because Rik, my idiot neighbor from LA, has ruined Italian things for me forever.

He hasn’t managed to put me off Italian dressing, thank god. Speaking of which, I’ve been on prednisone since Saturday to break this cycle of migraines that I’ve been in for awhile now, and AM WOLF of hunger. Wolf.

Yesterday I met one of the Alexes at the movies.

(Here she is at my home, not at the movies. I didn’t want to throw you. She’s describing the delicious, single-serving wine she purchased at Sheetz, which believe it or not was not quite up to par).

We went to see the very bad movie Mother! which my own mother, who does not capitalize or punctuate her title, told me not to see, and maybe it’s because she is so low key about her title that I ignored her and stampeded for the movie, and that was a mistake. You know what is good is the movie Mother with no exclamation point, starring Debbie Reynolds and Albert Brooks, from probably the late ’80s. From probably about the same time dad and I were hitting that cash machine, up there.

Oh my god, anyway. The point is, we met at the movies, and I got popcorn, and I wanted to get nachos after, and what I got instead was a pack of Zingers at the Sheetz, there, and I also wanted steak, and instead I had a goddamn Lean Cuisine WHICH DID NOT CUT IT and right now I am having black coffee and THIS IS ALSO NOT CUTTING IT EITHER and am wolf.

Prednisone and Weight Watchers are not two great tastes that go great together. After this I am headed to that drive-in that Fred Flintstone goes to where he gets those ribs that tip over his car.

Am wolf. Did mention?

Oh! And oh!

IMG_0308.JPGYesterday before the movie, I ran some water through my hair and screamed over to Ulta to get some more of my conditioner. I mean, I know my hair didn’t even look that good, but it looked better than it used to before I embraced the curly girl method.

6a00e54f9367fb8834011168f2bf50970c-800wi.jpgWhat I do, see, is eliminate all sulfates and silicones–in my hair, anyway. I’ll shoot silicones all over m’face. But that’s not why we’re gathered here today.

Anyway, mostly I wash my hair only with conditioner. It has cleanser in it, so it still washes your hair. And sulfate-free conditioner, at that.

I was getting that yesterday at the Ulta, and there was a young girl in the aisle. “Oh, do you buy this regularly?” she asked me. And then she WENT ON to ask me about my curly hair, because she said it LOOKED SO GOOD, and she wanted

ADVICE

about MY HAIR.

I’ll give you a moment to gather yourselves.

I told her how I co-wash (that’s what you call it when you shampoo with conditioner) and that very seldomly (is that a word?) I will also really shampoo with that product above, which is cheaper but also sulfate-free, and that I also played around with cheaper deep conditioners, that I used around once a week and keep on for 15 minutes or longer when I can.

I got way into the whole thing about how that co-wash was the only real splurge, and that the cheaper stuff was even better than the expensive shampoo and deep conditioner, and that I’d played with so many brands and it was exciting to discover that.

I think I may have, you know, gotten too excited, because finally she was all, “Okay, thank you” and I realized I’d talked, oh, maybe too much.

“You’re welcome!’ said, and scurried away fast.

Still. Me! Giving hair advice! One day someone will ask how I got so thin! But not while I’m on this prednisone.

Oh, lord, I’d better go to work. Perhaps I can get special permission to not copy edit today but to instead eat everyone’s snacks and tell them about my hair routine and diet. And DNA. And ask them why the FUCK they stood me up.

Oh! Did I mention all those hair-care photos were links to Amazon, so you can click on them and shop on Amazon to your heart’s content, and buy anything you want over there, and all sorts of cash goes to me so I don’t have to worry about my four-oh-wonk when I get to it? Thanks ever so.

Oh! Oh oh! One more thing, and isn’t June on prednisone a pleasure of life for everyone?

img_0312.jpg

If anyone’s in the Los Angeles-al area, can you do me a favor? I have a nice North Carolina sticker, and a cool retro Michigan refrigerator magnet, and my old Seattle magnet I got when I lived there, but I don’t have an LA refrigerator magnet. I MUST have had one when I lived there, but I don’t now. If you run across a retro-looking one and it’s cheap, will you send it to me? Also, I see Camilla’s mustache is fading and I really must go give her a new one.

And yes, that’s a jury summons. October 2. I don’t mind. I don’t know why people mind. You get to sit around and read all day. Hoooo care? I’ll worry about that when I get to it.

Great Britain, look at the time.

June

33 thoughts on “I’ll worry about that when I get to it

  1. My sister and my father had their DNA tests done through the company connected with Ancestry.com. We have one of those Irish surnames can start an “O.'”

    The results from my father’s test was about 55% Great Britain, 44% German/Western Europe, 2% North Africa. No Irish. My sister’s test, which includes results from maternal and fraternal sides, was roughly 35% Great Britain, 63% -ish German, and still 2% Noth African.

    Our families have been in America since time began so I am facinated with the trace of North African.

    And yeah, I did find 3rd – 8th cousins that are directly related through the DNA results.

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  2. Thanks for sharing your results.

    I feel exactly the opposite about jury duty but we can be called in 8 different courts per YEAR and two years in a row, I was called 7 times each. I finally started saying I could not be objective because I was resentful of jury duty and was excused but had to show up to say that.

    Lovely post, pretty thin June.

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  3. How cool to get your DNA done! I wanted to do that with my students, but it was too expensive to ask them to do it. I have no idea what my tombstone would read. Probably, “I had no idea…”

    Sorry you’re hungry like the wolf.

    Lovely post, lovely June!

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  4. I have never been called for jury duty – my husband and kids have all been called multiple times. Why don’t they want me?

    My son-in-law got his DNA done – he was part Neanderthal. I don’t even know what that means!

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  5. I’ve never been called for jury duty, but now that I’ve jinxed myself….

    I don’t know about my epitaph, but the title of my autobiography will be “Pee Before You Go.”

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  6. I just finished the Rik story, nasty, nasty piece of work. But I was thinking, even tho Marvin got a teaching job did you want to stay in LA?? For some reason LA seems intimidating. Wasn’t there a lot of pressure there? I imagine all beautiful blonde anorexic types. Oh wait, that’s me. Ooh I crack myself up.

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    1. That Rik was a dick on the worst infected limp kind. I hope some greedy lawyers got involved and Rik ended up with squat.

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  7. I have been called for jury duty a few times, only selected to serve the first time I was called, the other two times neither side wanted me. The only time I was selected it was horrible. We had a habitual offender but one juror walked in the jury room and said, “I vote no!” She would not change her mind and we ended up a hung jury after THREE long days of deliberation. Nine of us found him guilty. He did go back to trial and was convicted.

    I love the photo of you and your dad on the stump.

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  8. Jury duty sucks. I’ve done it twice.
    Getting 12 people to agree on something is not fun. Even when the defendant has admitted guilt. They want to suppose and imagine things that were not part of the testimony. One case took us two full days of deliberations when the bank robber took a cab to and from the bank and also all the bank tellers identified him! Ugh.
    Then one woman wouldn’t vote because she “didn’t want to be responsible for sending someone to jail”.
    I hate people.

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    1. I’ve been on jury duty before. I did not get to award millions of dollars to two poor kids who had cerebral palsy. They wanted to sue the hospital where they were born, for negligence, and it would have been wonderful had there BEEN negligence, but there just wasn’t. I had to look those parents in the eyes and be all, Sorry. It was just bad luck that this happened, and you get bupkis. So, yeah. Still, it was a fascinating experience.

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  9. I work on Hollywood Blvd, souvenir shop central. I can pick up an LA magnet for you today after work if I remember. (LOLOL you will never see that magnet what with ol’ chemo brain over here in charge.)

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  10. I was thinking it would be fun for all of us to send you magnets from our own locales but then remembered they would all be from me and other Lisas who all seem to live here in Texas. Would you like to fill up the front of your fridge with Lisa/Texas magnets?
    Also, I did my DNA on Ancestry a few years ago and was downright surprised to find the Iberian Peninsula and Italy/Greece listed in there. Happy, but surprised. Similarly, Ancestry found my mother and I to be a close match.
    I have been called for jury duty twice and was selected both times. Very interesting thing to do. Stressful but a learning experience for sure.
    Over the last 2 years and 6 months I have been sick sick and sick. And they keep giving me different antibiotics with a round of steroids thinking it will be different results than the previous 19 tries at this combo. And yes, I get the same want to eat your own damn arm off hunger. Also crankiness. And also my arthritis gets better and I can leap up and down my stairs like a gazelle. A cranky, ravenous gazelle. I wish you luck as you get through your hunger.

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  11. I get summoned for jury duty every couple of years but I’ve only served once. It was a murder trial. It was kind of a fascinating and surreal experience. The defendant had physically abused a few girlfriends and finally killed one of them. An ex was on the stand testifying and was so scared of him that she suddenly jumped up in the middle of it and tried to run out of the courtroom. The bailiffs all ran after her and had to grab and restrain her. The judge was yelling into his mic, “GET THE JURY OUT! GET THE JURY OUT!” Since all of the bailiffs were chasing the witness, the court reporter jumped up and unlocked the door for us to go back to the jury room. About 10 minutes later they came and got us, we went back into the courtroom and she was sitting there as calm as could be to finish testifying. We found him guilty on all but one charge and he got 2 life sentences plus 20 years.

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  12. I have done the curly girl thing for about three years or so now. My hair never transformed into the pretty curls I see many people get after following that method. Mine just looked like limp Sauerkraut. So I cut my hair off and back to wearing it straight.
    Your hair looks fantastic!

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  13. I almost rented Mother this weekend but since I love it so much I was considering buying it instead. I spent so much time debating with myself whether $13 was worth it to buy I talked myself out of it altogether! I ended up starting Masters of Sex instead – loving it so far!

    I’ve been using Unwash Biocleansing Conditioner for a year or two and my curls love it but I definitely am green with curl envy when you post that black & white photo of yourself so I’m adding your suggestions to the list for sure!

    I did like @suburbancorrespondant did and looked on Amazon and found two totally retro choices:

    https://www.amazon.com/CafePress-Angeles-California-Magnet-Refrigerator/dp/B009P9X1OY/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1505751529&sr=8-1&keywords=retro+los+angeles+magnet

    https://www.amazon.com/Fridge-Magnet-States-Countries-Angeles/dp/B0746SZWT8/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1505751529&sr=8-2&keywords=retro+los+angeles+magnet

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  14. I want to see “mother!” but have heard from real people it’s not good. I don’t really care about reviews, but real life people can impact my decision to fork over a ton of money to see a movie. I’m even more critical of movie going now that I can’t have popcorn, or candy, or nachos.

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    1. Our local Regal has a cheap day, 5 bucks for any movie on Tuesday and half price concession prices with a Regal card. Not sure if it is national but FYI

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  15. I had jury duty for the first time ever last week – a federal criminal case. It was FASCINATING! I’d absolutely be a juror again.

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  16. I have never, ever been called for jury duty. Been a registered voter for 37 years. My Mom and my ex get called all the time. Like DG in Niagara, I think they know I’m judgey, as well. “Well YEAH I think she’s guilty!” Having been on the law firm side of the law for 28 years, I would love to be on the jury side.

    My sister had her DNA done about a year ago, She and her husband did it for each other for Christmas. It told us pretty much what we already knew: Gaelic, Welsh, Irish, French. No big surprises. I SO wanted either of them to be just a little part Sub-Saharan African, just to rattle their cages (subtly racist, elitist white people). Would have taken a little evil pleasure from that.

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  17. My family says my epitaph will be “What’s That Smell?”

    I keep getting summoned for jury duty, but in NYC. Most recently, to begin on 9/11. Uh, no thanks. So far, I have adjourned it three times. I do not understand why they want me in Federal Court in NYC when there’s a Federal Court about ten minutes from my job. Also, I never get called for the local county court, which I would do in a heartbeat. I would love to do the Federal one, too, but would prefer the more local court. Next time, I’m going to request the local Federal Court, instead of adjourning it, since I’m told I can only adjourn it three times anyway.

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  18. My daughter says my epitaph will read “She thought she was funny.”

    I’m still having a hard time believing that co-washing really cleanses my hair. The amount of sweat that soaks the hair at the nape of my neck is what makes me hesitant to only use conditioner. So I use the Deva Low Poo stuff. That I bought on Amazon using the Official June Gardens link.

    I seem to get jury duty every other year or so and I have yet to be picked for a jury. One time, I got sent to a courtroom and they had picked 11 of the 12 jurors. Being Juror #12 was like being the drummer for Spinal Tap. Anyway, I got called and the questioning started. Both sides were fine with me until the judge told me that as a juror, I would not be allowed to discuss the trial with anyone but that won’t be a problem, right? Wrong. Since I had sworn to tell the truth, I said that I was a talker and I talk about EVERYTHING with my family, my siblings, my Facebook group etc and I could not guarantee that I’d keep my piehole shut. That judge tried every way he could think of to get me to swear that I wouldn’t discuss the case but I had to tell the truth and finally, with a HUGE sigh, he said, “Juror #12 is dismissed.”

    My daughter got put on a jury the first day of the first time she ever had jury duty. She loved it.

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  19. I am so with you on the jury summons, I was so bummed last time I didn’t get picked, I am fortunate where I still got paid from my regular job, I took my kindle, people watched, took myself out to lunch, it was fabulous. I got to go for 2 days as they were picking for 3 trials. I got called up to the jury box twice but never got picked, I must look judgy.

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  20. I was on grand jury this year until June. I didn’t mind it at all, got to see how the system works. You probably will have a real learnimg experience and lots of exciting things to write us about. Change the names to protect the innocent and all.

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