Certain the neighbors enjoy me blasting Tom Petty at 7:53 a.m.

Under last night’s waxing gibbous, I found myself at the Full Moon Oyster Bar, in the company of a man. A gentleman caller. A swain.

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This is not he. “Wow, June, he looks just like a bar.”

It was not our first date. I kind of hope it will not be our last. Also, I did not eat any oysters. You know, I used to. Back in my devil-may-care Seattle days.

Do you know what I never actually have had? Is any devil-may-care days. I’ve had younger-and-just-as-neurotic days, sure. Probably the times I had oysters were far drunker times. My devil-may-Coors days.

Anyway, it’s early yet, but so far this guy is pretty good. We had our first date a month ago, a date that involved me meeting him for a drink and realizing on the way there that I was EFFING STARVED, and when I got there, he’d already ordered a cheese, meat and nut plate and it was JUST THE THING I wanted and we had a great time. I mean, not just because cheese and meat, and plus also nuts, although I’m not gonna lie to you, that was a pertinent highlight.

The next morning he wrote to say, “Listen, I know I’m not your type, but I really had a good time, and thank you.”

Here was me:

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See, I love a good gif, but then when I have to watch them over and over again, I get bugged, so let’s go to a new paragraph quickly so we can scroll past it.

Okay, see, we still need more room to scroll.

[scroll scroll scroll]

MAYBE GIFS AREN’T WORTH IT. In unrelated news, I would like to kiss that German shepherd doggie right on his manly head.

Okay. So, yesterday, I finally asked this guy why he’d sent me that weird “I know I’m not your type” text.

“Really?” he asked, shifting uncomfortably. Clearly he was hoping I’d just let that pass. Do you know what I never do? Hey, June, why can’t you keep a man?

“Okay, well, look. I’m not trying to suck your dick,” he began.

See. Right then I knew.

“But I never thought I…deserved anyone like you. You’re incredibly attractive, really smart–very smart–and you’re very, very funny.”

People think I’m smart because I have good diction and a quick wit. But ask me anything about physics.

“I am hilarious,” I agreed, stealing his bread from his plate of oysters. He’d already said I could have it. Shut up. Also, do not mention my  rapidly declining attractiveness and the consumption of bread at 8 p.m. WHEN I WAS ALREADY HAVING VODKA and hey, carbs. Hey, devil-may-carbs.

“But why would you think that?” I asked. This guy is great. He’s funny, he has a job, an actual job (are you out there dating at my age? Because this is actually a going concern. You’ve no idea how many 50-year-old men out there are not exactly gainfully employed, and still they trot themselves out there. Hey, ladies…), he’s been very kind so far, and I don’t know, man. I don’t know why he doesn’t see that. I mean, I see clear as a bell what a catch I am. [plague joke goes here]

Anyway, he probably doesn’t deserve anyone like me, as he seems like a good person who does not warrant having to be to be cast into World of June. So there it is.

Oh, shit. Steely Dan is fighting with a squirrel hang on.

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Unretouched photo of squirrel, sort of, having angrily and quite chirpily retired to his tree. SD stalked off, ears back. They shouldn’t discuss politics.

He–my date, not the squirrel–knows I have a blog but does not know the name of it, and anyway, I told him right off the bat not to read it because Faithful Reader Deb’s husband Peter told me years ago not to whip this monstrosity out too soon–rather someone should get all this delightful pleasure-of-life personality metered out slowly.

Hmph.

But anyway, I said, “I’m probably gonna mention tonight in my blog. Did you remember I have a blog?”

He remembered. Has he read it? “You know what? I have not. You told me not to, so I decided to take your advice.”

There is not a woman in America who would’ve done the same. EVERY WOMAN WOULD STAMPEDE FOR THE BLOG.

“Well, if I do talk about tonight, you’re probably gonna need a blog name,” I said, and careful readers will note I’ve gone 751 words discussing him and haven’t needed a blog name yet.

“Do I get to pick it?” he asked, sipping his manly brown liquor. “Okay, call me Ward. It’s a play on my middle name.”

Ward. Ward and June!

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All 10 of you screeched, “IT’S A SIGN!” and this is why lesbians move in together on the third date. It’s not a sign, for heaven’s sake. But it was a charming coincidence.

Anyway, the point is, it’s nice to be dating someone with potential, and it was two years ago yesterday I left my Year Abroad house, so that was A SIGN. No. But I did note it.

I gotta go. I can’t talk about it, but I am still on jury duty, so. I’m tough but I’m fair.

Before I go, here’s what I think of when I think of Tom Petty.

Back in my devil-may-Coors Seattle days, my then-best-friend Esmerelda came to visit me, and we took a very manly hike up a nearby mountain (the one they show at the beginning of Twin Peaks). After, it was midafternoon and we drove past one of those tiny bars with the gravel parking lots, and we didn’t even need to say a word. We turned the car into the lot.

Our bartender was not what you’d call a handsome woman, because any woman who looks like Tom Petty is not winning any contests. We ordered a pitcher of beer because I had a designated driver date with me, a man much younger who we’d teased relentlessly all day (“If June had been dating you when I got married, I’d totally have asked you to be my ring bearer,” I remember Esmerelda saying).

The bar was my favorite kind: small, dark, with a juke box. We sat there on an absolutely beautiful sunny afternoon, listening to all the Tom Petty songs in that juke box, our feet up on each other’s chairs, drinking bad beer and laughing.

I sincerely thank Tom Petty for that afternoon.

Judiciously,

June

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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

59 thoughts on “Certain the neighbors enjoy me blasting Tom Petty at 7:53 a.m.”

  1. Congrats on the date, that’s exciting. I haven’t had the pleasure of jury duty, I want to though. I would be the one to not give in.

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    1. Thanks! Also, I just picked up poor Steely Dan to weigh him, and when I got on the scale, I weighed my old weight WHILE HOLDING THIS SOLID ANIMAL. It was so exciting. Apparently I’m still down 11 pounds despite my three-way with Mrs. Freshley and Mr. Dominoes last week.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. OOOooo! Ward! And you’re telling us about him. I am bubbling with questions that I will keep to myself and wait until you spin your tales at your own pace.

    Very good, Coot.

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      1. Oh, June!
        I went right to work after reading and commenting! I haven’t read the rest of the comments, so maybe I will get some details there. My questions are mostly IS HE CUTE? And other seventh grade themed tirades…

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  3. The first time I served as a juror it was on a murder trial. Very interesting but my legs were shaking when we returned to the courtroom with the guilty verdict.

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  4. Ward and June! IT IS TOO A SIGN SO SHUT UP! Between that and the meat, cheese and nut platter, I am convinced this is a good thing. (My husband and I often finish each other’s random, out of the blue thoughts or do something the other was just thinking of doing; our kids are so used to it that they think it is normal. IT IS A SIGN WE ARE MEANT TO BE, I say.)
    New beginnings are exciting and it is time for you to be happy. Great post, Coot!

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    1. The Beav was my high school nickname. That was fun as a high school girl. As I walked across the stage to receive my diploma, all of my friends started screaming, “GO BEAVER!” OMG.

      Liked by 3 people

  5. I think I’m a little bit in love with Ward.
    He sounds worthy of all that, mainly because he doesn’t think he is.
    Looking forward to June Tells All or at least a smidgen.
    The GS gif cracked me up.
    Thanks for the TP memories.

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  6. It’s a SIGN!! I hope we get to see more of Ward, as he sounds very nice.

    Your memory of Tom Petty is lovely. His music is definitely woven into the soundtrack of my life as well.

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  7. The fact that you told him not to read this here website/blog and he did as you asked, is the sign.

    Oooh, I hope you got picked for the big murder or whatever it was!

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  8. you’re correct. i would have not only stampeded over to your not blog but googled as well. and a few other tricks i have up my sleeve.

    my words are tumbley. tom petty. las vegas.

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  9. You were in Jamestown last night and you didn’t give me a call? I could have casually walked by your table several times and scoped out Ward for the rest of us. We can save that for later. Very nice, Coot!

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  10. I love Peter’s advice. I miss his comments. I agree with 180, THE sign is his obeying and not running to read your blog/nonblog. Lovely date, Coot. Paula, you kill me!

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  11. Is that squirrel picture like those posters that make you un-focus your eyes and then a 3-D image pops into view? Because I see no squirrel. I looked. For longer than I probably should’ve. I fail at seeing squirrels.

    Also, Paula’s comment wins the day. WINS. THE. DAY.

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  12. Very nice, Coot indeed!

    Stampeded right to the blog is exactly what I would have done. I’m over here thinking “Ward is a play on his middle name…” wondering how many clues it would take to figure out who HE is. haha! He sounds very promising. We will wait to hear when the pearls come off. I am however a big believer in signs. So there is that.

    Tom Petty – is he dead or isn’t he? That was my night last night. As I was trying to avoid all the OTHER news of the day. Good god. We need an intervention.

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  13. If the Annas in college taught me anything, it’s that vodka is your weight loss friend. Drink away!

    Ward sounds great! Any guy who sees that you are a catch and listens to your “don’t read my blog” is awesome. And clever with the not blog name too! But it made me wonder how Ward is a play on his middle name.

    Like, what would that middle name be?
    First thought is Cow. But I’m prob off on that one.
    Robin? (Batman’s ward)
    Surgical?
    To? Awk?
    Sven?
    I would ask for clues/hints but this hopeless guessing is kinda entertaining.

    Thank you for the lovely not blog post!

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  14. Devil-may-carbs! And I, too, couldn’t see no dang squirrel.

    And I’m going to throw it right out — not a Tom Petty fan and I’m dreading the next few weeks of radio. All Petty, all the time. Ugh. His voice grates, like Dylan. But also, don’t get me started on musicians who annoy. We currently have a show in town that’s about Carole King’s life. She and Joni Mitchell made me want to stick sharp objects in my ears.

    Anyhoo, atta girl, Coot.

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  15. Ok, I have gone back and reread several posts. What is the Coot reference ? Please direct me to the appropriate post. I HATE BEING OUT OF THE LOOP. Back to your business, citizens.

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    1. Coot: September 29th comments on family stories. See Joy, 10:52 am, June’s response, and then read the whole thing again. Those were some amazing stories!

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  16. Lovely post, June. And the picture of the squirrel was exquisite. Thanks. That afternoon at the bar after the hike sounds like the best.
    Off to buy books on Amazon now.

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  17. I don’t know how I missed the Sept 29 comments, I just read the “Very nice, Coot” one because I had no idea what everyone was talking about. And then I read the one about someone’s grandmother putting her shoe in the collection plate and about died. I’ve got to go back and read the whole thing.
    When you mentioned Ward saying all those wonderful things about you, it reminded me of CVSteve saying he outhit his coverage when he married Beth. I have no idea why certain comments stick, but that one did. I’m definitely eager to hear more about Ward. Employed and appreciative are a good start.
    I didn’t see a squirrel either.
    Congrats on losing SD’s worth of weight. I am so envious of your willpower. I’ve done WW several times and each time lost weight and then gained more back, and now am too depressed to try it again. I’ve never been able to make it the lifestyle change they promote. Plus I love carbs and sugar.
    Very nice, Coot.

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  18. So, If we’re at your house we have to do what you want, because it’s your house. If we’re at my house, we have to do what you want, because you’re the guest.
    I think I’ve got it now.
    Very nice, Coot.

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  19. Since you said you might answer some questions about Ward, what type of work does he do? How close does he live to you? What does he like to do for fun? How fast does he read a menu? What’s his favorite color? Has he told you how pretty your eyes are yet?

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    1. See, I’m much more highbrow than you, Deb. I want to know things like does he like pina coladas, does he like getting caught in the rain. Is he into yoga, does he have half a brain. And the most obvious question you just know all of us are wondering…does he like making love at midnight in the dunes of the cape.

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  20. I love this blog post!!!! The date sounds fantastic and I completely understand the mention of 50-something men and good jobs!

    The Tom Petty memory is a great one. He would have loved it!

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  21. I can’t see the squirrel either. I also can not see an adorable chipmunk in a photo I took. I know I saw him but those things are quick!

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  22. Ward and June, how clever. Did Ward purposely come up with a name to go with June or does he know of your alias? Also, did you wear your pearls and earbobs (as my elderly Southern friend called them) for your date?

    Just Paula H&B definitely wins Comment of the Week.

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  23. You are totally correct, every woman alive would sprint to the web to find your blog.
    Ward sounds like a rare find! Hope we hear lots more about him.

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  24. I believe in the signs! Then again I read horoscopes and can always find the correlation plus I thought Tom Petty did When Doves Cry so I’ll be in the dunce corner now. Oops.
    I hope Edsel likes Ward!

    Lovely post, pretty Coot. Auto correct wants that to be Coat and both look wrong for different reasons…

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  25. i’m loving your posts as of late. the writing seems more refined. ritalin, perhaps?

    i’m not a fan of people trying to compare (or have you compare) ward to ned. move on already people and let this guy stand on his own merit. who of us would want to be compared to our new love interest’s ex?

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