June peruses old Avon ads because her Ritalin hasn’t kicked in yet today

I’ve gotten up, fed all the animals like I’m Fern in Charlotte’s Web. Not that she really fed that many animals other than Wilbur. With a bottle.

Now I want a baby pig.

Anyway, then I showered and ventured in here, to put on my Laila Ali dryer cap and write to you. But I looked outside and everyone was out there being autumnal.

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Yuuu want peece of Lillee?

Lily’s eye is all scrinchy right now, a thing I’m assuming is the fault of Steely Dan, who always wants to roughhouse. Horse around. With his shenanigans.

I am 109.

IMG_0885.JPGSee? As soon as I took this, Steely Dick ran over and bopped poor Lily in the empty head, Lily who never wants to do anything but fluff. And butt her empty head under your hand so you pet her, which is not incredibly annoying in the slightest.

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Wyyy you gots skrinchee eye, Lilleee?
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hoooo care?
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go inz now

I want to thank Edsel for how pristine that doorknob is. Why do I have to have all these pets?

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U regret petz?
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mom kid. edz no she kid. pleese be kid.

Anyway, so there was my distraction for today, before my Ritalin kicks in, and WHAT A DELIGHT Ritalin is. Someone ask me where Iris is. I love that. I love taking 394834924002 photos of the animals and someone has to ask where ONE OF THE NINETY is who wasn’t around.

I also love, “I was carrying groceries and juggling oranges and had Edsel on a leash and was dangling the Magna Carta in my fingers when a hummingbird flitted by for .08 seconds.”

“No picture, June?”

Last night, after a full day of working on something intense at work, and I know I like to complain and kvetch and carry on about the intense work, but truthfully I kind of love it. Anyway, I was doing intense work all day, then also I’d promised a guy I’d stay and help him with his stuff, after 5:00. He’s starting a side business and wanted me to zip up his promotional hooo haa words of hoo haa. So I stayed after and helped him, and then I figured, well, I’m already here, I might as well do my freelance work at my desk.

I finished that particular freelance project last night, and another one comes October 16. That gives me

FIVE

DAYS

of FREEDOM.

Philadelphia freedom. Philadelphia freedom took me knee-high to a man. What the hell are the lyrics, really?

…Oh, dang, I just looked it up. Those really ARE the lyrics.

…Why?

I owned that 45. And the reason I owned it is my friend Vicki had an older sister, Ann, and what’s beautiful about all our first names is we don’t have to say a thing. You just look at our names and say, Midcentury. America. Girls.

[Disclaimer: My real name is not June.] [America gasps.]

So, my friend Vicki had a sister, Ann, or maybe it was Anne, but either way, she was older than us and therefore cooler, and as my 10th birthday approached, she said, “You want to ask for the 45 of Philadelphia Freedom, and you want Blue Jeans perfume by Avon.”

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Why, I hadn’t known I’d wanted EITHER, so I was glad she cleared it up. If memory serves, I got not the cologne but a powder, which came all in a puff that was self-contained.

…Searching for that did not turn up what I remember getting, and it could be that I kaleidoscoped the memory with another one of another perfumed puff, but what the internet DID do for me was present me with an array of Avon products I had clean forgotten about.

Why was Avon the shit back then? Everyone’s mom and grandma and aunt and sister and transitioning brother had them the Avon. I guess this is before snooty cosmetics counters, aka my Shangri-La, became a thing in every town.

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My grandmother had this on her vanity, and I had no idea it was an Avon product. What I DO recall is spraying some on, and by “some” I mean I emerged from the bedroom and my grandmother said, “WHAT ON EARTH DID YOU DO?”

“I sprayed on some of your Rupture,” I said.

And then I watched my grandmother commence with the attempts to breathe again, as she was hysterical for 29 hours. Rupture. Oh, she loved that.

Any time I did something ridiculous, she’d scream to the phone to dial one of her sisters and report it. Gramma would have been great at Facebook updates.

And she never said Hello. “Oh, what’cha doing?” was her opening line. I guess it was a folksy way of saying, “Have you got time to talk?”

Her sisters and aunt always had time to talk. Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk I’m a woman’s man, no time to talk.

$_35

Dear Every Single Person I Am Related To: Why the FUCK did you never get me this? How happy would I have been to have received not only a cosmetic, but a CAT cosmetic. A cat cosmetic WITH SPARKLY SHINY EYES? Goddammit. Plus? Box with cat picture.

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Dear Family: I mean. DID YOU PURPOSELY HIDE FROM ME THAT THESE ITEMS EXISTED??

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I had one of these. My friend, Pal From MA, had a mom who sold Avon, which is yet another reason there was no excuse to get me the sparkly cat or the poodle shown above. Anyway, you lifted this poor blond girl’s head, and inside was some solid Nicole Brown Simpson perfume.

I didn’t have the blond girl, I got the dark-haired Asian girl, maybe because they were trying to encourage me to embrace diversity, or maybe that’s what my friend’s mom had left over. I don’t know the ins and outs, y’all, the solid-perfume-for-brains ins and outs.

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I FORGOT ABOUT THIS. Had some iteration of it. Oh my god. I feel like eventually, that puff didn’t puff so well, and you were hitting yourself with a ring of plastic, hoping to get the last bits of powder.

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My mother totally had this, and I want to say it was, like, white lipstick once you opened it. Which is quite a look. Hey, I went the entire last decade of the century with brown lips, so.

How did I get off on this tangent? It feels like so long ago. But before I leave you, what I meant to tell you a hundred vintage Avons ago was that when I finally got home last night, there was a box on my porch from my friend Dot. And?

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LOOK WHAT SHE FOUND US! She found us another gay porn Santa, for all our Christmas gay-porn needs!

I had this years ago, and it’s supposed to hang over your porch light, and the first year I showed it to y’all someone was all, That looks like a blowup doll Santa, and much like the day we all got into writing Amish erotica (“Plow my fields, Jebediah”), we also had a big time with this in the comments.

Then eventually, because this thing is made of plastic, it fell apart and there was no more gay porn Santa in the land. Amish erotica will always be with us, though. Pull my bonnet, hard.

I gotta go. Look at the time, Brother Yost. You really churn thou butter.

This has been another useful edition of Book of June.

59 thoughts on “June peruses old Avon ads because her Ritalin hasn’t kicked in yet today

  1. Not to brag, but…. I had BOTH the sparkly eye cat and the poodle dog. I know it’s not a nice class ring and lenient rules but! I had them BOTH. I had totally forgotten either of those, or the rabbit butt puff powder and solid perfume headed girl thing, even existed. Avon was the bomb.
    I am so happy Gay Porn Santa is back in the land. Christmas hasn’t been the same since he’s been gone.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. OMG, this was a trip through my past. My mother sold Avon. I still covet those little lipstick samples. And there is no better lipstick color than Twig. I have spoken.

    You don’t even want to know how many of those “collector” decanters we threw away. YOU DON’T EVEN WANT TO KNOW. “Collector” apparently now means “no one will want this, ever.”

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Avon had the cutest and prettiest containers.
    Twelve year old me had a peach perfume. The scent was overpowering but I loved the bottle.
    It’s gonna be a Hoe Hoe Christmas this year with a new Gay Porn Santa.
    Thanks, Dot!

    Like

  4. That picture of Edsel made me chuckle out loud. Love him I was never really into the Avon, so the photos are foreign to me. Plus I’m a lot older than all you youngsters.

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  5. Your blog totally enhances my life. I got to see beautiful, autumnal animal pictures and I was educated about Avon products. My grandma had an Avon tree with mini lipsticks in her living room. I loved looking at all of them. Now I need to find my own Porno Santa’s for my front porch. Have a great day!

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  6. Ooh ooh ooh! That lipstick is Yardley! I loved Yardley back in the day. Wore “Oh! de London” cologne every minute of every day that I was 14! Avon had a fragrance called “Come Summer” that was to die for. Would love to have that again!

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  7. AACCKK!!! I just went to eBay and the cat perfume bottles with sparkly eyes are available. If you really want one (and if you can see my email address), email me and I will be delighted to gift you one!

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  8. I snorted an almond up m’nose at the Magna Carta reference. Please go easy on the Ritalin. Or “Riddlin” as my ignorant relative typed it on the Face the other day. We need you slightly off center.

    My mom sold Avon, too! We had all that stuff. Lipstick samples were everywhere in my house growing up. I just spent four days with my sister packing and cleaning out my mom’s house to move her to an apartment – I’m shocked we didn’t uncover some Avon samples. Everything else she ever put her hands on was in that house. It was like an archaeological dig in that place.

    Nice job, Coot! And lovely, lovely pets!

    Like

  9. Skin So Soft. Mosquito repellent. That’s my Avon experience.

    Also, June, which phone did you get recently? This photos are fab!

    Like

  10. I love makeup samples! My grandma worked at a Stewart’s Department Store. She would bring me samples from Estee Lauder eye shadow in some horrid color and I thought it was the best thing ever.

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  11. I wore Avon’s Sweet Honesty for years. To this day, my husband tells me that’s the only perfume that he could actually smell on me. My mom loved to buy Avon because she didn’t drive so she could order from the Avon lady and then, Ding-Dong, two weeks later she’d get her new lipstick!

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    1. Oh I totally got that one. I clutched my pearls and twisted my hankie in my hand and tsked tsked. Actually – no. I laughed out loud. What will he get himself into next do you suppose, now that he’s once again a free man?

      Like

  12. I ooh’ed at the photos (of Edz), I awww’d in sympathy with Lilly’s scrinched up eye, I gasped with joy at the return of gay porn Santa, and I chortled with glee at The Avon memories. That pretty much used up my emotions for the day. That plus the fact that I had to get two grandsons up, dressed, fed, and dropped off at school, have drained all the energy I might have had. Have a great day people while’st I go back to bed. Coot, great post.

    Like

  13. Avon used to have a bubble bath called honey something, was in a beehive shaped bottle. That stuff smelled so yummy that I could have drunk it I have a box upstairs full of a lot of Avon bottles, including that bunny. Not sure if I have the cat or dog. My mother also loved Topaz, wish I had all her bottles and jars. i bought the tall Topaz bottle recently at an antique store.

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  14. My FATHER-IN-LAW sold Avon for awhile, after he retired. Not weird at all… I recognize none of these items, but I’m not from a girly-girl family. And I don’t do smells. But I do have my mother-in-law’s “ruby and diamond” Avon ring. They’ve really expanded.

    Laugh-out-loud funny post, Coot! And great pictures.

    Like

  15. I love the last picture of Edz. I remember some Avon stuff bust mostly being fascinated with the cute teensy lipstick samples. And I did have some of the Yardley lipstick in a pale pink because I was cool like that with my Love’s Baby Soft perfume.

    Like

  16. One time when I was a kid, my mother was driving my two sisters and me and my grandmother somewhere. As siblings will do, we were bickering in the back seat about a empty black perfume bottle. All of a sudden my grandmother turned around and grabbed it from us shouting, “DID YOU EVER SEE PERFUME BOTTLES FLY?” Then she threw it out the window of the car. My sisters and I were speechless. We still say, “Did you ever see perfume bottles fly?”

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh my gosh! That’s incredible! I love your grandma! I was driving with a neighbor once (who I suspected was a bit off) and her three year old daughter pulled off her shoe and tossed it out the open window. She immediately started to cry at the loss of her shoe. My neighbor, without taking her eyes off the road for a second, reached back, pulled off the other shoe and tossed IT out the window. She said “I TOLD you to stop throwing your shoes out the window!” haha!

      Liked by 1 person

  17. There is nothing better than Avon, especially old Avon.
    Except maybe your Nicole Brown Simpson pez dispenser comment up there. Holy moly! That was dark and brilliant!
    You deserve some old Avon of your choosing for that!

    Like

  18. i love how ‘coot’ is not going away. it does just roll off the tongue.

    loved the autumn photos. loved! and of course the temporary dickish tenant . so many laughs today as well. my mom sold avon. it was a thing. as was tupperware.

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  19. A dear friend gave me Avon’s unicorn-shaped bottle of cologne with gold screw-off horn. I still have it. Wonder if the contents are ready to drink yet.

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  20. I saw today is the anniversary of when Anne Frank received the diary for her birthday present.
    Is that sentence worded awkwardly?
    Are ya gonna go pitttton my asssss??
    Lovely post, Coot!

    Like

  21. Posting from my phone, while at work. Risking my employment for June. I haven’t tried posting in such a long time. Who knew it got easier? All of you did. Now I can say I lernt something today. That’s like bernt and ternt, pert near. Ok I am leaving now.

    Like

  22. I feel like kids these days are really missing out, not having the kid Avon stuff. Remember holiday earrings? The little bubble baths? The “lift up the face for your lip balm” things like Nicole Brown Simpson, pictured above?

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  23. I’ll tell you the coolest thing was having a Mom who sold Avon and all the little bitty sample lipsticks and such. Oh, it was the BOMB! And I had the small girl with perfume brains and the bunny puff powder thingy. I loved those.

    I miss us being neighbors and our winter outdoor picnics and matching clothes. This adult shit is not all that fun sometimes.

    Thanks for the mention! It always makes me happy to hear your memories of our childhood!

    Like

  24. I had the Avon lip gloss shaped like a hamburger. I think it was called a “Funburger”. My 7 year old self adored it. I thought I was so COOL using my little pinkie to apply my lip gloss. Now that just seems gross.

    Like

  25. If memory serves, that bunny was the first easily obtainable vibrator, sold by thousands of Avon women all over the country. It was call the Bunny Hop, Hop, Hap, HAAAAAAAaaaaaap, but women just referred to it as ” The fun bun.” Everyone knew what was being ordered. And with a wink and a smile, Avon ladies happily shared their little secret joke. Unfortunately, the success of the Bunny Hop was limited by the unpleasant use of the vag buffer attachment. Back then, it was thought that post-orgasms needed to be kept as clean as the house. Silly women. After numerous complaints, the Avon Company stopped production of the fun bun after 7 months.

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  26. My mom sold Avon and it was like Christmas when the order would arrive. She had a little box of all those small sample lipsticks. I loved those. She had many of the Avon bottles, I don’t even remember what I did with all of those when I cleaned out her house.

    SD is a bully, but majestic.

    Like

  27. Damn your pictures are getting good! It’s like you’re a freaking photographer! Thanks for the leaves-es!

    Tardy to the party, but LOVED this post!

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  28. Amazing post and comments, Coot. I was too busy to read it yesterday. I KNOW. Vacationing can be hard work. This had me peeing my panties. Sorry, Joon, I know how you hate that word

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  29. Omg hilarious. I missed the gay porn Santa had passed so I was happy, sad, then happy again.

    Like

  30. Yay for a new Gay Porn Santa. I’ve missed seeing him the last few years. And the Amish Erotica Day at the Pie had me laughing so hard.
    There are so many good memories from this blo-ebsite, Coot. Thanks for them all. Lovely post.

    Like

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