My 404 Not Found Error

IMG_E0891.JPGI stood in my backyard just now and watched several leaves fall from the branches of my tree and sway all the way to the ground. It was so pretty that I got the phone so I could show you, but of course once I got the damn phone, the leaves stayed tight.

weee not leaf-ing. heeeee!

Leaves are dicks. Nevertheless, I made a video, hoping to capture a leaf falling, like you’ve never seen that before, but instead my video is more let’s say meditative. Till Edsel. You’ll see.

I hate holding the phone vertically to take a video, but the first time when I went up then down to look at the dog, it got sideways.

I’ve been trying to be meditative lately. As you might know, I had jarring news last week, and you only know this because I wrote about it on the Facebooks, on a page called (Face)Book of June, and what was warm, what was really lovely of you, were the four people who joined the page, read my tale of sadness, then promptly quit it again.

So, no. No, I’m not adding anyone else to the page at this time. It was supposed to be for friends of this page. Friends. Of this page. So. I’m a tad wary right now.

But anyway, if you “Don’t have Facebook” (say, Madame 1800s, how are the 1800s going? Is there penicillin yet?) or whatever, suffice it to say that what happened was that I was on the mend, I was headed toward moving on from my last “relationship,” if you even want to call it that. I think I may just refer to that time as, “Those five years and 10 months that I was gravely mistaken,” but that takes too long.

Those years when I had Stockholm Syndrome?

My Not Found 404 Error?

Anyway. I thought I was moving on from it, whatever it was. It officially ended in 2015, but then it kept …hovering there, and I started it back up again last year at this time, then it ended again, badly, in December and I thought, Okay, this is really it.

But then it hovered again. And it’s hard to convince yourself a relationship is over when someone is constantly coming back, telling you he loves you.

Until you find out he doesn’t.

I found out some stuff, some you-were-not-loved information. And I wasn’t told because there was guilt or so much respect that anyone needed to come clean with me.

I found out because the other woman contacted me.

So.

I’ve been in a limbo for two years. A purgatory. And one thing I like about myself is my ability to not be dramatic about everything. But really, this half-broken-up shit is wearisome. So it’s kind of like I’m in a new breakup.

Again.

But since I’ve already spent much time grieving and mourning and feeling incredulous about everything, it’s moving along faster than you’d think, this time.

The point is, I’ve been trying to be meditative. When I walk Edsel at night, I’m paying attention to what I smell, what I see, what I hear. And it helps. Because otherwise I could be walking around with my brain spinning, as it has spun each day since I stupidly convinced myself I was in love, way back in March of 2012.

When your overwhelming feeling is more of anxiety that you adore this person and you worry they won’t adore you back? That’s really not so much love as a neurotic coupling. Must remember this.

You must remember this, a diss is still a diss. A lie is just a lie. The fundamental things apply, avoidant guy.

But I’m doing okay. I’m no longer in denial. Well. I’m 99% not in denial. I think I so dearly wanted some way that this would work out that I never quite accepted it was over.

Till now. I accept that it’s over. My plan is to never say one word to my 404 error ever again.

Oh! But while we’re on the topic of that (Face)Book of June page, I noticed yesterday a few people on there with the Facebook silhouette

Man_Silhouette.

And one person in particular with that image, and no friends, and the only info on her Facebook page was where she went to school. I say “she” but it’s a clearly fake, neutral name.

It worries me.

Look, I’m over there being me. My real name, my real details. I know this may come as a shock to you, but I’d rather tell that stuff to real people.

Anyway, this particular person has been on my readers-of-my-blog page for six years, so I didn’t just delete her right away. I messaged her. Said the stuff I just said to you, about real and so on, and how it worried me that she/he had no identity. “Is there anything you can tell me to put my mind at ease?” I asked.

No response.

So I removed him or her, and also someone who had no info on her page except a picture of the Verizon chick from the commercials. Then I announced on the page at large that if you had a fake profile, or no profile pic, I was going to have to remove you, because it makes me uncomfortable.

Here’s what happened.

“I have a picture of a flower, June! Don’t kick me off.”

“See, no,” I’d explain, “I’m saying if you have NO photo at all, and NO friends, and NO posts on your wall that I can see. That’s when I’m removing folks. Because how is it fair that you set up a fake account so you can lurk my life? No. This page is an exchange,” is what I said.

Then three comments later, I’d get, “I hate how I look, June, so I have a photo of a soccer ball. Please don’t take me off this page.”

“Yeah, see…” I’d say, and explain it all again.

Ten comments later, guess what.

So that was my day yesterday, until finally last night I was face-down on my living room floor, just typing “please scroll up” every 14 minutes or so.

Cats. You’re all cats. I herd cats in my real life, I herd cats in my online life. But I do heart you all, those of you who are real with me, I mean. I know I haven’t met most of you, but dear god, are you part of my every day.

I’ve watched you lose tons of weight, or a husband, or your jobs. I’ve seen your family members get sick or well. I’ve seen you have rotten days and great ones. And even though it’s weird, and impersonal, our relationship, it’s also sort of very personal.

Thank you to those of you who’ve been real, and have seen me through this stupid 404 error, for screaming at your computer DON’T HAVE DINNER WITH HIM, JOOOOB! all these years, thank you. I’ve tried to be as real as I can, and I appreciate how real you are all being, as well.

I guess that’s all I have to say today. My freelance work came early, goddammit, so I ended up having zero free days after all.

IMG_0894.JPG
no fotoz, pleez. bitz.

Edsel just let himself and all the cats in, which was convenient for me. Last night, late, there was another NextDoor about a “sweet cat” and I didn’t even have to open it. Of course I did.

“This sweet cat followed us home. Is he yours?”

Ima just brand that asshole with my address and a DON’T FEED. Also, “sweet cat.” Could it be possible that he has multiple personalities? Or maybe he just turns on the charm when a potential new food source rears its head.

I can’t solve every mystery today. I gotta just keep moving on.

Moving the hell on.

Mendingly,

June.

114 thoughts on “My 404 Not Found Error

  1. You must remember this, a diss is still a diss. A lie is just a lie. The fundamental things apply, avoidant guy.”

    This line is what inspired me to post today. Much like Ellie and DanaLynn, I am a lurker. I think I commented once a couple years ago. I have been reading your non-blog and the comments for a few years and it is a part of my day I look forward to. I actually just sent you a friend request yesterday, I had previously been following you on Facebook but I wanted to be able to click “like” on posts/pet pictures! I have a 3 year old black cat who is very much like Steely Dan, so I enjoy all his antics.

    Like

  2. Love you, love your pets, love your posts – always have and will, even since Bye Bye Buy days! I’ll never forget how sweet you were when my own pets were sick or lost. But I cannot fathom the emotional energy it takes to deal with everything that comes along with and because of this non-blog. Hope it stays always mostly a happy place for you.

    And I’ve been in the same boat with the woman calling and all that.. it’s definitely a bittersweet relief. Proud of ya, hope it gets easier, and can’t wait to read about the amazing guy you’ll eventually meet that will want nothing and no one but YOU!

    Like

  3. “Moving the hell forward” is what we all have to keep doing in this life. What makes it tolerable is having community, especially faithful community comprised of smart, witty, and compassionate people.
    While I don’t comment often, I read each of your entries and most comments. I feel as if I “know” so many of you. And a few years ago, when I thought I was going to check myself in to “the nervous hospital,” it was here that the light started to shine through the humor, and I found hope again.
    Miss “June,” my heart aches for your hurt. And I deeply admire your willingness to share and process it with us. It’s how people heal. The 404 error has been particularly virulent. Dealing with damaged people leaves a mark. Count yourself blessed for being able to find the grit to move along.
    Sending every good wish.

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  4. I realize the sounds of your back yard were peaceful, but I swear all those fallen and falling leaves would make me bonkers. Do you have someone come clean them up?

    Sometimes, your writing literally makes me hold my breath through the whole post because it’s so beautiful. Today was one of those days.

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    1. My lawn guy will be here soon, and those leaves will be gone. It makes me sad when they go.

      And also, thank you. I just sat there and barfed that out this morning, everything I was thinking.

      Like

  5. I tried to refresh the blog twice before I realized this was your blog title, not a Web page error message. I was about to go to Book of June, Facebook to see if anyone else was getting the error message too.
    : ( Cannot believe I did that…

    Love that you too, love to hear our stories as much as we enjoy yours.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I’m rather enjoying Contemplative June Day. I’m sorry all that crap happened, and I’m glad that Avoidant Guy is behind you. Onward!
    Also, look at all these fun new people commenting today! June, you are clearly well-loved.

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    1. I agree, it is so nice to see everyone old and new commenting today. And, yes, when I say “old” I am speaking for myself.

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  7. I want to live where there are seasons! To hear leaves crunching beneath my feet would be music to my ears. Unless I had to rake them. Then, nope. I’m tired of living in California where the only season we have is fire season. Every stinking October. I live in San Diego, where we’ve had our share, and I am heartsick with what’s happening in Napa. Excuse me while I go find my Xanax.

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  8. What’s the matter with these men? It’s happened to me, too. I’m still getting over it. My second and third husbands did it to me.

    Now? I just don’t trust any of them. It’ll take me a while.

    I’m just sorry you had to go through this, my dear. Very sorry.

    Like

  9. Lord only know what Edsel was doing behind that bush. It was lovely and relaxing while it lasted.
    You have so many more fallen leaves than we do. Which is odd since we’re in the same zone.
    Lovely post, June.

    Like

  10. The description 404 Error is so perfect – so metaphoric for “can’t be fixed” and “trying again will result in the same error.”

    I just waited and waited for Eds to show up in that video – and feel strangely blessed by a SD sighting. There really is no way to label that cat as “owned” is there? I mean, he looks wonderful – fed and healthy as he is – but a collar doesn’t work, if you brand the little guy his hair will just grow back…

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  11. I am very glad that the 404-Not-Found-Error has been resolved. Now, pass the biscuits, please.

    I also want to acknowledge how rude it is to ask to be a part of the group, get what you want and then leave. Seriously. We need to require finishing school. Just last week, a colleague was holding a voluntary training session and had a tray of chocolate-laden treats as a lure for people to come to the TRAINING. Someone walking by the room saw the tray of treats, came in, took one, and left. I draw a comparison, but the people who came for the personal information are about 10,000 times worse. Yuck.

    Edsel was my favorite part of the peaceful video.

    Very nice, Coot.

    Like

  12. I love this post, June. And I agree with you, I have met some incredible stranger friends here on this Blogsite. Over the course of several years we’ve all shared quite a lot together. Sending my very best wishes so that you can mend your heart. I’m so disappointed in him.

    Like

  13. You know I’ve been here a very long time, well before you left LA. Thank you for being so open and real with us, sharing your life, the good and the bad. That’s why you have captured my heart. I’m cheering you on to stay strong allowing your heart to heal so you can move forward for a better life. Such a heartfelt post.

    Like

  14. Ugh. Just ugh. I don’t Facebook (only dial-up here in the 1900s…dial-up & hobble skirts but almost everyone can have a pony!) so color me clueless till now. Sorry for you doll.

    (PS. I had that same kind of leaf moment. For me it was yellow leaves slowly drifting down through golden sunlight right as I looked up from reading the last lines of a Japanese sad-ending fairytale. It was perfect. Fall is wonderful.)

    Like

  15. I don’t have facebook joon but please just dont ever make this blog private. I respect there are things for facebook and there are things here to read. Love you from afar and rooting for you! Not creepily at all.

    Like

  16. I’m so sorry. Many years ago I had my own 404 Error. I’m not sure I’ve ever commented before but I love your writing and wish you the very best.

    Like

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