Ruins

I’m trying very hard to not talk about my 404 Error, because my hope is that I can just, oh, continue on with my life, and if I make him the topic of my posts, he’s still in my life, a bit. So I’m trying to write about other things even though I really just want to obsess.

So, hey, getting up to watch sunrises and meditative walks and time with friends and my dog blah blah. Oh, and also, I saw Ned on a dating site last night.

And here’s the argument, right? The, “Well, YOU’RE on a dating site.” Which is the same argument my mother would give me about people running into me at Kmart. “Well, THEY’RE shopping there.” Yes, but I have a stellar reputation to uphold.

What I never had in junior high school: A stellar reputation to uphold.

Anyway, sure I am. Of course I am. I’m on a dating site. At this point I’ve winnowed it to one because Jesus Christ, do they ever not work. And I have about .00004% faith in men being good, at this point. BUT I’M TRYING.

This damn breakup is more than two years old already, and I kept getting drawn back in, and starting to think, Oh, maybe this time it’ll be okay (oh, June), and then what do you know, another heartbreaking thing is discovered. I’m the Christopher Columbus of discovering things. “This is India!” No, it’s not. “This is an okay discovery! I can, you know, live with it!” No, you can’t.

I think I’ve found India, but what I really found was an Indian giver of love.

So, hey, June. Nice going. Good idea, to keep letting yourself get drawn back in. You sure selected the right Let’s Make a Deal door, there, sister. Again.

When I was a kid and watched Let’s Make a Deal, I always thought getting the donkey would be way better than a stupid car.

So anyway, there was Ned’s clever profile, a profile I’d have answered tout suite. And yes, I have a clever profile up, too.

So why was I stung?

I guess in my naive heart, I thought he would think, Wow, I really ruined June. I should sit here and think about why I did that, work on why I keep asking her to come back and then being mean to her. But instead, he’s all, Welp, destroyed her. Tourists can now come visit the June Ruins. Her insides are crumbled and missing and desolate. And even though I keep contacting her even still, asking to talk, I’m also gonna say, NEXT!

So. Perhaps that’s unfair, but that’s how I’m feeling.

IMG_1047.jpg
“Yes, are these the June Ruins? I was told there was a shave-ice truck near here.”

The Poet and I are going to a movie tomorrow. Here we are, yesterday, at a meeting in a very green room.

IMG_1045.jpgWork isn’t the sanctuary it used to be, either. Lately I’ve felt marginalized, ignored, and I’m trying to fix that but I’m not getting very far with it. I don’t know exactly what happened, but it’s disconcerting, because work was my one place that I was happy, at least from 9 to 5ish.

So I’ve been asking for more to do. Throw it all at me, I keep saying. I’m not sure how else to fix whatever I broke other than to make myself fairly indispensable.

I’d better go. I should shower, as that is the sign of someone who isn’t depressed, right? Like, hygiene and so on? Yes. I suppose showering didn’t cheer Janet Leigh all that much.

fbd3b3a1a8f2a92609488386a449838a

Stabbing it with her steely knife but unable to kill the best,

June

Advertisements

Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

86 thoughts on “Ruins”

  1. I’m sorry, Coot. Will keep m’eyes open for a HMOC to distract you. I don’t think you’re being unfair at all. Unrealistic? Maybe, but honestly, if you DIDN’T feel that way, I’d be way more worried about you. And I have no good advice (I hear your sigh of relief!), because it’s not like I developed healthy coping mechanisms.

    What movie are you and the Poet going to see? (See that? That was distraction and evasion of the subject. Not what the shrinky-dink would recommend, I’m sure.)

    Like

  2. It may be two years since the initial break up but it really hasn’t been that long since you completely severed all ties. You should not think in terms of “It’s been two years and I haven’t gotten over it yet”. It really hasn’t been that long. Feel better soon!

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Would it be wrong to suggest chemical castration at this point? Not for you, clearly. Do they do that for girls? I’m asking while I have Google in my hands, but, lazy innit.
    My Dickensian Life applauds you for keeping going. Since being made redundant/homeless/catless has made self care hit & miss, I’m proud if I’ve managed a shower AND put a bra on. I may have to find a job where only one of those is an essential skill.
    Melancholic post Coot.

    Like

  4. I applied for a job on Monday, in a completely different field than what I have been doing for the last 21 years… I haven’t heard back yet and I’m dying with the waiting!! I knew it was time to move on when I started to feel like the job was sucking the joy out of my life. Ned is the joy sucking job that it’s time to leave behind.
    Happy Friday, Coot!

    Like

  5. Yes to what Cheryl up there said. If you were really and truly broken up for the last two years, you wouldn’t feel the way you do right now. Breaking it completely off, with no contact has only happened recently. Start your countdown from then. Keep on trucking (and showering!).

    Like

  6. Hey June,

    Wow. I have a lot of catching up to do. Been reading the archives, June. In case you were wondering if somebody was stalking you. No. Just me. Old lady me, Sandy, over here in Clayton, NC.

    Getting over a break up seems to be so much harder for a woman – stating the obvious here. We obsess. It’s what we do for as long as we need to do so. Men seem to just shove their former friend, lover, lady friend (whatever term you use) into one of the compartments at the very back of their brains and only take them out and dust them off when they need something. I’m sorry. Just seems to be how our very different brains are wired. Be kind and even a indulgent to yourself for awhile, if you can. (Sorry – I remember you don’t like advice.) I hope you start feeling better very soon. So many people love you, gorgeous June. Now that I am retired from the old working my ass off every day, I hope I can comment more often. Wishing the best to come your way.

    Like

  7. Well, if he IS moving on, I guess that’s a pretty good confirmation of why you couldn’t do it anymore. Seems equally likely, though, that he’s: 1) trying to distract himself and get his mind off you, 2) trying to make you feel bad because he saw YOUR ad, or 3) hoping you’ll see it and be charmed and unable to keep from responding, because in his mind, hey, he can’t get you to respond any other way. My vote would be #3. Maybe he fantasizes about a fresh start and all that.

    Like

  8. FYI June – tried to reply to your FB post so that you could easily see my real name and of course, can’t find the dadgum post at the moment. I’ll find it later though so that you can put my two (among the many) personalities together and hopefully will not sit around wondering who the hell this starrfish person really is. Damn. Typed Dame first – seems appropriate though.

    Like

  9. Sorry, June, but don’t give up! The online dating thing does work. I met my husband on Match right after a brief relationship ended that I had hoped would lead to something more. Then my husband sent me a message and that was it and I never looked back. You wll meet someone right for you and your 404 Error will be a distant memory!

    Cheryl and Helen are right. Give yourself more time! Also, keep busy and answer messages from men who do not resemble men of the 404 Error sort!

    Like

  10. I don’t think your feelings are unfair, June.
    I thought the same thing as I was reading your post.
    I also had a two year breakup experience. Off and on countless times, phone calls from him in the middle of the night. When there was a crisis we called each other first.
    It finally ended the night he showed up at my door drunk, propped up in the hallway.
    When I hauled his sorry ass in before he woke the neighbours, he beat me up. The physical pain was still less than the emotional because I really loved him but knew this was absolutely the end of it for me.
    Those were dark times, as yours have been. I totally understand your feelings. It IS hard on your emotions, dealing with it over and over. Especially when nothing changes and you’re banging your head against the wall, screaming “why AGAIN.”
    I truly hope your better days arrive soon and your work situation improves. Not having that shelter and distraction sucks.
    On a lighter note, you and The Poet are celebrities, waiting in the green room.
    Crank up “I Will Survive” and shake yo’ booty.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That song has true healing powers. I thought it was terrible until my last breakup, and then I was like YES! This SPEAKS to me! Played it constantly for a week.

      Like

    2. “I will survive” is so awesome. Lotsa good covers of that one. Also recommend “Joe Lies” from Say Anything.

      Joe lies.
      When he cries.

      That song man.

      Like

  11. I just feel sorry for any new woman who meets him through the site, because he will do the same thing to them, and there goes another person who will be hurt in some way. Like June said, it would be nice if he could take some time to ponder his behavior and figure out that this is why he is alone.

    Like

  12. I wish there was a d in shave-ice. Drives me a little nuts. For a long time, I thought this lady who opened a business selling Hawaiian shave-ice had a typo in her sign and was too dumb to know it. Turns out I was wrong and that’s how it’s spelled in Hawaii.

    I hope work improves. Sometimes I get that feeling of being on the outs and then it will turn out to be that it was more to do with others dealing with stressful situations or being overwhelmed. Eventually it all works out and goes back to normal.

    Lovely post, pretty June.

    Like

  13. College boy once told me that the reason he spent 3 1/2 years pledging his undying love for me and not wanting to marry me was because I didn’t like to spend an hour getting ready and then putting on a motorcycle helmet; I didn’t like to go swimming with my eyes open; I didn’t like to sit in the grass. After I broke up with him, he came in and out of my life for 18 years. I finally realized the problem WAS NOT me. It wasn’t that I chose badly: His resume was good, but he lied and misrepresented himself. I am only responsible for me. You are not ruined: You are enlightened. If you buy a gold ring, it should be authentic. I am 58 now. I loved him from 22 to 25 and even after he broke my heart another dozen years. I don’t wish him ill; in fact, I rarely think of him (except when I hear about the Ned). Time marches on and so must we. I am happily married to someone who is nothing like college boy. It’s the best and I married him when I was in my 40s.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ohhh I love that perspective. You are ENLIGHTENED, not ruined. And Pam is right, you’ve already made better romantic choices for yourself based on what you learned with good ol’ Ned.

      Like

  14. Too bad you can’t Yelp people on dating sites. “I tried this guy four separate times and had the same experience all four times.Seems charming and personable but commitment is not his thing. Do not recommend. Stay far away. One star.”

    I await your movie review. I may finally have a rainy Sunday afternoon to spend sitting in a dark theater this weekend. Oh, my life. So much excitement.

    Liked by 3 people

  15. Your India jokes are killing me. Maybe you’re like Bugs and shoulda taken that left turn at Albuquerque?

    Btw I’ve retold (with citation) your “ground and in the freezer” joke (circa 2 days ago) and oh my gob the laughter. You are so funny June.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Oh, Coot. I’m sorry you’re feeling so down. But I think now that you’re cutting things off there will only be good things ahead for you.

    Like

  17. Joooooooooon, 404 Errors are poison. Poison, I tell ya!

    Okay, I wanted to say poison to dogs but that made no sense so I quoted Mr. Gower instead. Are pharmacists still called druggists? Am not gonna google, am not gonna google, be productive with your time AA, don’t click away and google, go back to work, get that out of your stupid head, focus, focus, focus….

    Like

    1. In fact, it was George Bailey who said, “It’s poison, I tell ya.”

      Joon. Come for the obsessive relationship. Stay for the It’s a Wonderful Life trivia.

      Like

  18. Deep stuff again today, June. All breakups are hard, but when you love someone who never reveals his true self, you mourn the “nearly perfect” person you thought he was. Been there, done that. I was mad at myself, too, for being drawn into his manipulative existence. It makes me feel weak and desperate. If I could take back one minute of my life (knowing what I do now), it would be the minute I accepted his first invitation. When I began to see red flags, I tried to break things off, but he kept coming back. Even when he was living with another woman, he would call and try to rekindle things. But the longer I was away, the clearer I saw him for what he really was. It has been 22 years since we first met and 12 years since he died, but I still have times when I am reminded of him. I don’t pine for him or miss him any more, but he will always have a piece of my heart…even if it is the piece that he broke. I learned so much from that experience and am more alert to those red flags. I now think of this as a very painful lesson that taught me about the qualities in a man that will truly add to my happiness. You’ll move through this grieving process…and we will all be here to listen.

    Like

      1. Yeah, but you can’t beat yourself up for that. You could have broken it off then, and spent a long time questioning if you’d been too hasty, and it all might have been prolonged even more. Most of us have a hard time trusting our intuition 100%, since we know it’s not always accurate. Hey, if it makes you feel any better, I had an off-on relationship/friendship that stretched out for 40 years. I had such an idealized view of that man, till finally I realized that he, like many other man I’ve been with, was just another man of weak character who tried to portray himself as my protector and safe place, but was in fact the cruelest and most deceptive one of all, in the name of “kindness.” At that point, it was like a switch got turned off in my heart, blessedly so. There has been no more freeing experience in my life than saying, “We’re done now,” and really meaning it. Has been several years and I don’t miss him at all. Would rather just have peace and privacy than deal with someone who’s not forthcoming. I’ve grown to like living alone, but you… I see you with a really grounded, earthy, deep-voiced, guy with a great deep laugh and a warm smile and twinkle in his eye, who teaches you to love hugs.

        Like

      2. That’s a big gift the 404 gave you, knowing that your intuition is working & perfectly calibrated along with a reminder to listen to it as you move forward and further away toward the Error-free!

        Like

  19. It seems reasonable to be angry about him being on the dating site. He’s relentlessly trying to get you to “just talk” (just talk to my ass, ya manipulative…), acting like his heart is rent for love of you, and meanwhile he’s all “How YOU doin’?” over there on Plenty of Dicks or whatever. Kind of a theme with this guy.

    Liked by 2 people

  20. Oh Joon, I feel you on the work issue of feeling left out, overlooked, etc. I was a team leader on a huge project for 12 years and asked to be replaced. I had asked before and was generally ignored. This time they granted my wish. Now I don’t even get asked to meetings and no one seeks out my vast 37 years of knowledge. I wonder if I should transfer but then again, I’m too old to start learning all over again. I hope you are able to work your issues out and once again be Super Editor Woman!

    As per 404 error; no advice or thoughts. I gave 7 years of my life to someone who didn’t support my dreams. When I moved to Alabama for a job, he was devastated (he said). Then he married 6 months later. Then he tried to tell me that was a huge mistake and would I take him back? He called up to 2 weeks prior to my wedding to husband. I don’t think he was quite right in the brain.

    Like

  21. June, there’s not much left to say that hasn’t been said already. I think we’ve all been in your place. Knowing you’re not the only one who’s been through this helps you know you can get through this. A friend of mine told me once when I was going through my divorce that I would make it just fine because I was STRONG. Just her telling me that made a huge difference in my confidence. You are strong too, June. You’re going to be just fine.

    Like

  22. Nice post Coot. Also you look so pretty and your HAIR OMG your hair. So gorgeous.

    As for Ned of the Commitment Phobia Neds, needs to be on that Don’t Date This Guy website. I remember when I kicked old #2 to the curb, he accused me of putting him on that website. I laughed because it wasn’t me but probably one of the 430,567 women he was doing the horizontal bop with against their will who put him there. Not only did they put his name but they also put his picture and a complete and total bio of the jerk. I am not that clever. I instead would just put Ex-lax in his brownies or Paregoric in his ice tea or maybe a little Bella Donna in his Tequila. With my luck he would come back as a toad.

    Anyway, I would be livid if I saw old Nedders on a dating site. I would be devastated and hurt but I would also be all DON’T FUCKING DATE THIS GUY!! Serial Cheater Alert!!!!

    Like

    1. I have to say that technically, TECHNICALLY, he never cheated. Betrayed, yes. Cheated, physically cheated, no. *I* have, perhaps, done more physically than he has. BUT ONLY AFTER THIS LAST THING.

      Like

      1. Joob, cheating is not just physical. My best friend’s husband had an on-line affair with a woman that was equally devastating as if it were a physical one. She, like you, caught him and confronted him. His excuse was “it was just an on-line thing”. It is a betrayal of your trust. I consider that cheating.

        You are a strong woman. Much stronger than I would be going through this.

        Liked by 2 people

        1. Obviously I’m not intimating that he did but in my own experience my 404 Error “didn’t cheat” either. Ever. It was only after his death that about 100 women fell out of the sky and on top of my broken heart.

          There’s no reason to not believe your 404 Error but if any of our own friends told us that her lover was just the bees knees, so much fun, I mean really she won the lottery except for the small issues of lying, manipulating, dreaming of the future with her and then cruelly yanking that rug right out from under her, and gaslighting her. “He’s not cheating” wouldn’t be the saving grace of this metaphorical dickhead.

          Liked by 1 person

  23. I’m truly sad that you are hurting. You have some real wisdom in the comments above, and if I were you I’d be hip deep in donuts right now and ugly crying while watching Dirty Dancing on a loop.

    when you read his profile you wanted what he put out there, you have for years, but he doesn’t have the substance to back it up. Don’t be hard on yourself for hurting.

    Liked by 1 person

  24. Narcissists do that. We ignore our intuition because, damn it, they are charming! Our families and friends love them. Great sex, great intimacy, focused attention, the fun, the laughs, the inside jokes, the big dreams for the future, etc. It’s all so much that we ignore the unreasonable demands, that their focused attention is only all about us as long as it’s all about them, the secrets they demand we keep, the strings that turn into anchors, the lies, the manipulation, the gaslighting.

    Their gaslighting is so effective even that when we do start to think rationally, distance ourselves or break up with them, our minds start playing tricks on us and we only remember the good but, to add insult to injury, we polish up even the good times.

    After my own 404 Error died, I remember one of his friends said to me, ” He truly did love you. Truly and deeply. He also was a terrible person who did terrible things to you & others that are unforgivable. Remember that and don’t mourn him for too long, he doesn’t deserve it.”

    Of course that was easier said than done and, 25 years after his death, I still sometimes wonder why those good times couldn’t have been the main event rather than all the crazy making. In the end, his death made the choice for me and in spite of the devastating pain that that caused for years, even now I don’t talk about it, I’m grateful that I didn’t have the option of believing his bullshit anymore.

    Like

      1. Oh Green, you put that so eloquently. Thank you. I could feel the words coming straight from your heart.

        That had to be hard to share – even just in writing to us. Looking back with sadness for more than just the loss must be tough.

        Like

  25. “So anyway, there was Ned’s clever profile, a profile I’d have answered tout suite. And yes, I have a clever profile up, too.”

    OK, I had promised to lay low, but I gotta respond to this. What you just described was always the worst thing for me. I’d always look for the clever girl on the dating sites — the one who made witty allusions to Larkin and the Carpenters and Rothko and who sported the necessary ironic detachment — and inevitably end up dating her. Naturally, at some point we’d break up. (Because, well, you know. How much Vela can a woman be expected to take?) I’d wait a suitable amount of time to allow my shattered heart to mend — usually months — and then roll up my sleeves and get back to work on the dating sites again. I’d scroll through a wasteland hundreds of profiles of women with tans and trashy tops and aspirations to go boating and walking on the beach and meeting something called a soulmate, and then after hours of faces and data and human misery and longing, I’d come across the profile of the woman that I had just broken up with months before, with whom I was probably still in love. And there she should would be — untanned, wise, impossibly funny, and spectacularly sexy. That’s when I knew it: That the only woman out there for me was a woman who would never in a million years want to date me. This is what I call rock bottom.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. See, Vela! You can be decent in the comments here!! Hooray! I’m glad you’ve decided to show us this more vulnerable side of yourself. I wish you had started off with something like this instead of the way you did, but better late than never as they say. But this is the kind of stuff we share here which makes us stand up for one another and want to give each other emotional support. Because we all feel these things and can relate.

      Liked by 1 person

    2. Hopefully she won’t be your last chance at domestic bliss, in a Nick & Nora it’s cocktail hour somewhere kind of bliss. I won’t say there is someone for you, because I hate it when people say that. I’m perpetually in the friend zone, and trying to accept I might be in a canoe for one. Which better have space for kitty kayakers, or the water can jog on. I think my point was going to be, I wish you luck finding your happiness, as I wish Joon luck finding hers.

      Like

  26. Do not, I repeat, do NOT go see “The Mountain Between Us” because you think, oh yes, Idris Elba! One of the most ridiculous movies I’ve seen.

    Like

    1. Ok. But I’m gonna watch it once it hits Netflix or HBO or Amazon because I don’t mind a couple hours staring at Idris Elba.

      Like

      1. I’ve seen at least five movies with Idris in them, and I still couldn’t tell you if the man can even act or not.

        Like

  27. Lots of very wise comments today. I hope you can get your work issues resolved and be happy at work once again. As for the 404 Error. I’m with Cheryl and Helen, it has not really been two years. Only a few months since you decided this was truly it. Give yourself time to heal. You ARE strong.

    Like

  28. June you are grieving the loss of your relationship and grief takes as long as you need to go through the process. We all grieve in different ways. Takes different time frames. You will get through this and a new happiness awaits you.

    Like

  29. Still standing in your doorway, June. It is unfortunate that there is nowhere to go but through this. And you can do it, one step at a time. It sucks, but you can do it.

    Sending love and peace your way…

    Nice one, Coot.

    Like

  30. JUNE!
    I just clicked over to the Squam blog and Meg posted this poem:

    “So, I want to leave you with this Rupi Kaur poem from her book the sun and her flowers, as it beautifully sums up the themes of my week…

    “you are a mirror
    if you continue to starve yourself of love
    you’ll only meet people who’ll starve you too
    if you soak yourself in love
    the universe will hand you those
    who’ll love you too”
    – Rupi Kaur”

    The whole post reminded me of you…
    http://www.squamartworkshops.com/mantra/

    Liked by 1 person

  31. The donkey WAS better than the car, you obviously understand priorities. I met my husband online, where I had posted a clever and detailed profile. His was basic and didn’t catch my interest at first, as I was mostly preoccupied with an on/off relationship that worked/didn’t work. When I finally decided to cut ties and work on my happy, he messaged me one day out of the blue (a year or more later). His profile still wasn’t what I’d call intriguing, but there were baby geese pictures, so I was intrigued. On our second date he handed me a newly hatched baby pigeon, I named her Fluff, fell in love, and she was a bridesmaid and flew in our wedding. Since then, he’s brought me goats, chickens, a pony, a puppy and bags and bags of oranges (because vitamin c is important). Our cars are old, our house is full of fur, and we couldn’t be happier. I’ve ignored every phone call and text from Mr. Previous since the day we met, except once, to say just let me be happy. My pony’s name is No Regrets “Greta.” A year after we were married, he told me he never read my carefully crafted, clever profile. He hates reading in English. No advice here, just a happy story and confirmation – always go for the donkey. Even when your faith in everything else is nil, have faith in yourself, and donkeys.

    Liked by 3 people

  32. It is especially difficult to be in the same town when a relationship ends. Relentless reminders of All The Things You Did Together are always there anyway, but when there’s the added possibility of running into the other person (which I presume is the case here?), it’s exponentially worse.

    It feels desperately lonely when a relationship ends this way. I’ve no advice but would just gently remind you of how many good things you have in your life. No, they don’t exactly (or even inexactly) “replace” the late beloved relationship, but it’s much harder to get by without them. You have very close relationships with your family (you even have family to begin with), you have many devoted friends both virtual and real who stand by you no matter what (including sweet, wonderful animals), you have a great job. These are not small things. Not everyone has them. But it’s so hard to think of these things when your heart is shattered.

    Some years ago I fell completely in love with someone; this was outside my marriage (and my spouse knew about it — we had an open arrangement). This relationship lasted six years, and This Someone proposed marriage at about year five. I thought about it, a lot. I accepted. Because This Someone was absolutely the person who got me, in every way imaginable, no subterfuge. Totally got each other. And when my spouse and I had The Talk, my spouse was unsurprised and said, “I just want to make sure that you feel confident that This Someone truly loves you and will take care of you. Do you believe that?” I said, “Absolutely. Yes. With all my heart.” My spouse and I had the kindest, most civil separation and divorce ever, I do believe. Absolutely no rancor. We agreed on everything (including the financial agreement we came to with the help of a great mediator). I left my marriage of 25+ years. I left everything I knew and had loved and had built, and I started a new life as a single person with the expectation and rock-solid belief that I would spend the rest of my life with This Someone (whom I still think of as the love of my life). Oh, the plans we made.

    And then This Someone ended it. Boom. Just like that. This Someone just didn’t love me anymore (and maybe never did? Still haven’t figured that one out and have given up trying because no matter how I spin it, it makes me feel bad, and I’m done with feeling bad about myself) and certainly didn’t want to spend all the years down the road with me. This after years of constant assurances and deep demonstrations of love and like and commitment and all the rest of it. I was absolutely The Greatest Thing Ever, except, wait, no, evidently I wasn’t. Or, I was, but then something changed and I suddenly became unappealing? I was devastated (such an overused word, I think, but I mean it quite literally). Lost. Seismically unmoored.

    In the subsequent months, I sometimes acted in ways that, in retrospect, I’m truly ashamed of. (Actually, I was ashamed of them at the time, too.) It was almost as if I were insane or another person at times. I don’t know. I felt ugly, and so I acted sometimes in an ugly way, perhaps because of being terrified by a lot of things, not the least of which was that I was alone and truly on my own for the first time since age 23. Thankfully there are a few people who know me pretty well and stood by me (because that’s what your friends do), including a great therapist (with whom I still have regular standing appointments, twice monthly, five years later).

    Still. It’s hard to be out and about, even now, and everyone you see is partnered or paired. It’s hard to always be the extra person. What’s wrong with me that I’m unpartnered, unpaired, untethered in that way? I’ve stopped going down the default path of “Well, obviously it’s because I’m unattractive and unappealing.” I just go with, “Because my fabulosity knows no bounds, and there just aren’t enough equally fabulous potential partners out there.” OK, it’s lame. And it’s still pretty lonely sometimes. But being solo definitely also has its charms. And thankfully, there’s no chance whatsoever that This Someone and I will ever run into each other again, in this world (see you in the next, don’t be late), and that’s a lot to be grateful for. We have not seen each other since about six weeks after the official end.

    I’m so sorry this happened/is happening to you. It does get better. It really does. No, really. But the timing is different for everyone, and the path to the other side varies a lot. No one size fits all.

    Also sorry for this probably being way too long. What is the expression? tl;dr?

    Liked by 1 person

  33. @puppaloo, well that was very generous of you to share that. It sounds like Someone was, from an outsider’s perspective, a blessing to escape being married to. What hell. No matter what though, when it happens “seismically unmoored” is such a beautiful description of the deep pain of it.

    I decided long ago that while I love men and would like a long term relationship that my ideal of it (living next door, I could go into his house whenever I want, he would need to ask to come to mine, and if I thought it wouldn’t work, he would immediately move, and other similar ridiculousness), was realistically not statistically possible!

    I was listening to Alec Baldwin interview Barbra Streisand and he was sharing something Kathleen Turner had said in reply if she missed being married that I 100% related to:

    “I put the key in the door of my apartment and the thing that makes me most happy is, I know that there’s nobody on the other side of that door. I walk in, I can do whatever I want do, I don’t have to ask anyone’s permission.”

    Liked by 1 person

  34. Oh honey, I think that most of us have had a “Ned” in our lives who we gave more time and love to than they deserved, so don’t ever beat yourself up about that. I lived through 25 years of nights, thinking that this was the night that my [gay] [ex-] husband would want to have sex with me. I mean……really? I was an IDIOT! Of course he didn’t want to have sex with me, because HE WAS GAY! If I only cleaned the house better, if I only were thinner, if I only did everything to please him. No, the only thing I could do to make him want me was to have a sex change operation! And how many red flags had to be flying before I realized that?

    Hey, maybe that was the problem. If they had been pink flags or rainbow flags instead of red, I would have realized what is going on.

    I don’t think that someone who opens their heart and truly loves someone should ever beat themselves up for doing that. Shame on the person who took that love and betrayed it. Shame on Ned for using you and manipulating you and breaking your heart and making you think that what is wrong with him was your fault!

    Unfortunately, there are people whom we deeply love, who might be our soul mates, but whom we can never be with.

    Like

  35. My sympathy to all of us who have been hurt and are hurting.

    But now I have to be heartless for a moment to say that when I was reading “Anyway, sure I am. Of course I am. I’m on a dating site. At this point I’ve winnowed it to one because Jesus Christ,” I stalled out for half a second—wait, June, that’s who you’re going to date?

    Now I want to read his profile. “I love picnics, good wine, and long walks on the sea . . .”

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I thought she meant she winnowed it down to one dating website , not one person.

      Go ask the people out that you think you might want to date. This life is way too short to let your 404 error rule it.
      It isn’t , it wasn’t, it won’t be so try something else. You won’t know unless you try. You don’t have to sleep with everyone or anyone, just go out with them , once might be enough to know if you like them. How many people are in the world.
      Make your own happy. You can do it, you are strong, you know what you want and don’t want.
      I am old, I want to see you happy before I die. Har, har.

      Like

      1. Oh god , am I slow on the uptake…she winnowed to Jesus Christ. How dumb do I look..no , don’t answer that. Is there anything dumber than a rock. I am stone.

        Like

        1. Loves crowds, loves people,a real leader. Huaraches (the original Birkenstock guy). well water, hangin’ with the guys for supper.

          Like

Comments are closed.