What is wrong with this emu?

It was inevitable, I suppose, that during a pertinent conversation with my friend Hamlet, in which we were extolling Patty and Selma from The Simpsons,

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that I was struck by HOW MAGNIFICENT it would be to name cats Patty and Selma. It’s these epiphanies that make me say, Well, I could just jaunt off to the pound, there, get a couple orange cats, call ’em Patty and Selma, because that’s just too good to pass up.

I didn’t do it. This is not a Very Special Book of June, where I get new pets.

Well. A Relatively Regular Book of June, where I get new pets.

IMG_E1134.JPGI did, however, just go ahead and have the scheduled pets, which normally, with my advanced maturity, I’d say isn’t nearly as exciting. But with Steely Dan, it’s always exciting.

You know what I like about him, other than his lust for life? He’s a regular Vincent Cat Gogh. I also like how normally he adores Edsel–I mean, the very first time I let whining, eager Edsel into the room to meet his kitten self, SD was appalled. He puffed all up, all four inches of him, and arched dramatically and so on. But about 47 seconds later he was cool with Edsel, and now he’s forever trying to get Eds to play (after that one claw-in-the-snout incident, that’s been less likely of an event) or standing on his back legs to rub his snout on Edsel’s.

But the times that dog gets, oh, emo, the times the dog emotes, which is often, Steely Dan cannot bear it. If Edsel is ever simpering and whining and acting the fool, SD gets up high somewhere–the sink, a counter–and makes sure to smack old touchy-feely EST feeling-his-feelings Edsel, terrectly on the noggin.

This I like about Steely Dan. It’s how we all feel when Edsel works on that Academy Award.

Anyway. M’weekend.

Oh, one more thing. (GOD, June.) Did you ever notice the iPhone emoji for “dog” looks like Edsel? Go ahead. I’ll wait.

FRIDAY

IMG_E1050.JPGAfter work, a bunch of us went to happy hour, because it was someone’s last day. We go to this place near work, and the weather was, in fact, perfect for it, but the sun. That sun. Did you ever notice it? Go look outside. I’ll wait. I know I was already supposed to wait for you to type “dog” into your phone, but.

This time of year, that first hour of happy hour, and I like how I miss the concept, is ALL SUN ALL THE TIME. It’s Barhenge.

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See. I just invented a Stongehenge-themed bar in my mind, but here one already is. Everything’s already been done.

The point is, as usual, everyone went home or off to, oh, eat, and I was the last person to leave, which is how it always works when I attend a happy “hour.” I had only one drink–I was just busy yammering to people. Also, there was a Great Pyrenees there. Of course I petted it. What are you, new?

Happy hour. It’s an hour on Mercury.

Also, science. I have no idea if time is slower on Mercury. I just kind of assumed. All that science, I don’t understand. Plus, as we know, science isn’t real anyway. Fake news.

SATURDAY

Spent way too much time following old Lust for Life around, trying to capture him on film, and by the way, he abhors the camera. Starts whipping his tail as soon as I aim the phone at him. The OTHER pets, the good pets, look right at me, at this point, and then when I’m somewhere trying to photograph someone else’s pet, as I am wont to do, I get so annoyed that they don’t automatically look at me when I point the camera. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS EMU?

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Finally, I did an hour of Callenetics, because it’s 1986 up in here. I was tired of Tracy Anderson, and I was getting injuries, so I ordered me up that old …tape, even though now it’s a DVD, but come on.

Anyway, I just loved it. I love that lady, who was clearly some rich person who thought she was a huge adventurer, what with spending the family money to gallivant all over yonder, and eventually decided to teach exercise classes, which is another “family money” kind of job.

You should read her Wikipedia page. Oh my god. It’s not even a humble brag. It’s just a brag brag. It’s Fort Bragg. Just Google Callan Pinckney. Which by the way, she made up. That name, I mean. It’s not nearly as good of a name as Patty or Selma.

See. I’m doing the thing where I’m trying to tell you about three days and I’m taking for fucking ever. Let’s proceed.

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In the afternoon, I stampeded to the movies to see The Other Side of the Mountain or whatever it’s called, the one that gives you yet another clue that you should never take public transportation with Kate Winslett.

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Does it irk you when you see a photo here that I’ve already put on social media? Are you all GOD, June? Are you always all GOD, June?

I attended said film with my friend The Poet and her friend The Prose, and hang on a minute while I gaze at myself fondly for calling him The Prose.

IMG_1089.jpgThe movie was just okay. There was a dog in it and a hot man of color with a British accent, and we get to see him having sex–the man, not the dog–so two cougars up.

Then I screamed to the damn dance store, of which this town has one, to buy ballet slippers for tonight’s dance class, and they close AT FOUR on Saturdays.

At four. On a Saturday. Four. Yeah. Those nutcrackers.

So instead, I shopped for my Halloween costume, then screamed home and got ready for a partayyy, in which I brought helpful cheese and crackers.

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Yeah, thanks for the…cheese and crackers. Thank god you’re here.

IMG_1108.jpgOne of my coworkers had a little get-together, and the food was delicious, and it was perfect weather for a fire pit, and it turns out, all I really ever want to do is drink around a fire pit. That’s all I ask for in a fall evening.

IMG_E1102 2.JPGAlso, I like the people I work with. I’m like a chubby Mary Richards.

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Fairly drained June, midnight Saturday

SUNDAY (Oh thank god. Will she ever stop?)

I wanted to do Callenetics again, that’s how much I liked it, but it says to do it twice a week, so. Everything hurt, so I put on my athletic shoes (hahahahahahaha) and headed to this trail. Lactic acid burnoff. I considered taking the Eds, but that trail is always sick with dogs, and guess whose miracle cure is wearing off. Guess who decided to put the aggression back in leash aggression.

I’m so glad I didn’t take him, because this asshole came up the trail with her two white fluffy dogs OFF LEASH, one in a pink harness and one is a blue harness (okay, that part was cute), and they ran right up to me and climbed up my leg. By the time that woman sauntered to us, Edsel would have digested and passed her flufferkins, her furbabies, her insert whatever annoying thing she inevitably calls them.

“I just can’t bear to put them on leashes,” she laughed, as she approached me petting her dogs. Oh, how I wanted to tell her. You have no idea. You think you can’t bear to leash them? How would you have felt about finally strolling up to a shaggy Civil War scene? To the remains of the fluff? Cause that’s what woulda happened had I been here with my leashed, legal dog. Barely legal, all nude dog.

I walked for an hour and a half, and stopped at the little lake, there, watched turtles, and then it was time for therapy!

Therapy? June? What with your healthy love relationships? Why waste your money?

And yes, she has hours on Sunday, and who am I to argue with a therapist who might be a workaholic? This is, in fact, the second therapist I’ve had who works Sundays; the last was in LA. They probably have to work seven days, like ranchers in Oklahoma or lobstermen in Maine.

IMG_1140.jpgThe office is downtown, which is convenient, because I hear downtown, all the old men have been driven crazy.

And that was the day I stopped reading June.

IMG_E1141.JPGI like going downtown, even though I was once again approached by someone who was “out of gas” on his “second day in Greensboro,” and should I just keep five dollars in my wallet? Is that the most humane way to deal with this? What if the broken old man who approaches me is finally Jesus and I blow it by walking by indifferently?

Or what if he’s just a broken man who needs help and I walk by indifferently? The problem is, I’m also a little scared, so I don’t want to stay long. So it’s this push/pull of help a person/save one’s ass from mugging.

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Sunday version of fairly drained June. Now with white guilt!

So that sums it up. Tonight I dance. Just a Steeltown girl on a Saturday night. Just an aging girl on a Monday night, lookin’ for the fight of her life. Or dancing shoes at her lunch hour.

She has danced into the danger zone when the dancer becomes the dance. Or sciatica.

Head up, young person.

June

60 thoughts on “What is wrong with this emu?

  1. June, I’m finally chiming in after reading your blog for a few weeks. Callenetics pushed me to the posting point. The 1980s me had the book and the VHS, trying to get my pre-pregnancy body back. I had forgotten all of the self-touting in it. The menopausal me clicked on over to Amazon and ordered the DVD since I need it more now than I did in 1987!

    Keep moving forward from your 404 Error. I had one of those myself. Then I found love when I wasn’t even looking. Version 2.0 is wonderful and life is good.

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  2. This is complete and total horseshit. “By the time she reached 21, Pinckney had become increasingly bored and restless with her well-bred southern lifestyle. Her adventurous ancestry was bringing out the traveller in her and after two years of college she felt the time had come for a major change. “ that woman had a PR person write her Wikipedia.

    I can see it now:
    “Make sure you throw in that Jane Fonda is SECOND!!!,” Amanda Sue , “and I am FIRST for all time, Bitches!!”

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  3. I just feel bad whenever I see people on the street begging. I don’t always shell out the cash, but I do sometimes. I am so lucky and grateful for it, that I don’t really care about the motives. But I feel bad no matter what.

    June, I love your post. SD is always impressive. Everyone here is right on the money–you look fabulous! I can’t wait to hear about your dance class tonight! I hope it is as fun as it sounds!

    Nice work, Coot.

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  4. I don’t know if they still do it, but I remember there was a program here where people could buy food coupons (food use only) and hand those out to people begging.
    I recently saw someone panhandling on a hot day on the cement median with a very large, very furry dog. That dog had to be too hot. I called the police. F-ing animal abuse. The person didn’t even look like he should be panhandling. I know, we don’t know their story or reasons, but he looked hale and hearty, about 25 years old, well-dressed, well-fed.
    Civil war! Hahahahhaha!

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  5. The picture of Steely on the chippy chair should be in a magazine; just not sure if it should be a cat magazine or an antique furniture mag.

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  6. This has to be one of my favorite not-blog posts.
    I used to be very conflicted regarding panhandlers, and would give them money from time to time. After a couple of negative experiences, I started either donating time/money/goods to local assistance agencies or stopping for food to donate to the cause. The “stranded, need gas money” is a pretty common ploy in this area. I’m tempted to offer to bring them gas.
    Just for fun, I posted a couple of pictures of a very cooperative emu on the top secret fb page.

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    • Any time someone has approached me saying they need money for food (and I can do it) I offer to buy them a meal. Only once has the offer been accepted and that was from a veteran who lives outdoors because of his experiences in the war. Now, I take him McDonald’s gift cards (they’re pretty flexible regarding his cart parked out front when he’s inside) and a small care package like a toothbrush, dental floss, travel coffee mug.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Why is it that most of our conversations result in a trip to the animal shelter? Patty and Selma…Donnie and Marie…chicken and waffles…itching and burning.

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  8. That’s THE Poot to you, buster. And the shirt is covered with rhinos, upside up and upside down, but now I see houses too.

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  9. Delighted you had a nice weekend. I love the picture of June, Prose and Poet, but I’m obsessed with the pattern on the Poet’s top. A house surrounded by elephants and/or dinosaurs? Designed by a child, or a children’s book illustrator–very nice, Poot.

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  10. SD is channeling Cher in Moonstruck. “Snap out of it!” Such a great movie.

    I woke up yesterday and my butt cheeks were hurting. I couldn’t figure out why because I had not excerised or did anything strenuous. But then I remembered I planted a bunch of pansies out front. And it hit me, I’m sore from kneeling! That is just pathetic. Maybe I should do some calisthenics.

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    • I stopped planting pansies out front when I once discovered all of the flowers were gone. Found out our local deer think pansies do be delish.

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  11. Loved your post today. So much funny all the way to the end. Our neighbors used to let their dogs run loose in the neighborhood and it irked me, especially since we keep our dog inside the fenced yard and they would visit the fence and make him bark.(the dogs not the neighbors) Finally the neighbors got the message that we had a leash law in the county. Some people shouldn’t be allowed to have pets.
    Wow, the guys at your work just keep getting better looking.

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  12. Oh I am so conflicted with the panhandlers! I agree with the compassion for all- don’t judge idea, I agree with the “there are better ways to help” idea -especially with so many going through so many disasters it seems like maybe my limited resources should go somewhere I am sure it is really doing good? But maybe that just means I should just be less selfish all around. Sigh. Conflicted.
    I am super impressed with some of these pictures in this post though! Wow. I agree – great light in that bar.

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  13. Also… The findagrave info might very well be the same info as the Wikipedia info, because I must confess that I didn’t read all the Wikipedia info before stampeding to findagrave to see why she died, which it didn’t tell me. It told me everything else about her and her family, but not cause of death. Am I the only person that is always curious about someone’s cause of death? Morbid, much?

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  14. I’m glad I’m not the only person who thinks the panhandlers could really be Jesus or angels and I failed the test. I feel conflicted between feeling bad for people who have found themselves in a situation I could never imagine, and thinking they may be just be scamming everyone. I’m glad you had a fun weekend. I rather liked the movie, but see I am in the minority opinion. I just like Kate Winslet in anything she does.

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  15. After you read about Calla Picnicy, or whatever, on Wikipedia, you should go read her obit on Findagrave. OMG, she must have written that too! And don’t ask why I was looking for her obit. Stuff like this is why I never get anything done. And also, too, I am going about my day singing the muppets Do do do doo, ma nah ma nah song in my head, and will be for some time, as that particular little musical nugget tends to stick in my head for weeks at a time.
    Lovely post, June! Your weekends are more fun than mine!

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  16. The last photo of you is so pretty. I love the glasses and your hair has never looked better!
    I don’t walk my dogs on trails, but I have encountered plenty of unleashed dogs while riding horses on park trails. Clearly marked signs at the beginning of each trail head instruct dogs must be leashed. I have encountered more than one dog bounding out of the woods to the trail unleashed. This is dangerous for two reasons. Horses don’t take kindly to Fido scaring the crap out of them and they go ballistic. The other is, while your dog is scaring my horse, he might kick your dog into next Wednesday. Not a good outcome for puppers. I personally know of one rider who had to be lifeflighted out of the park due to the severity of his injuries. Besides that, his horse got loose and it could have been much worse.

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  17. I’m guessing the beggars are everywhere. I’m so tired of seeing the same people day after day with signs that say “traveling broke”, who in the hell travels broke? Or “stranded”, they have been stranded for months now. Or “broke down” the piece of shit car or new car I saw you get out of rolled perfectly well to your spot and then you open your trunk and pull out your sign. But my favorite are the ones who act crippled, and then they walk away with nary an ailment.
    One day I’m going to get out there with my own sign just to occupy the corner.
    Glad your weekend was fun.

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    • I don’t know. I try to have compassion for them, even if it seems like they’re maybe scamming. I mean, even if they’re, say, a drug addict, that in itself deserves compassion.

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      • I wrote up an article Saturday morning about this 64 year old man that offered a 42-year old guy a ride. The 64-year old man was found 100 miles away, in our county, in his trunk and according to the cops “maliciously” beaten. He’s in critical condition.

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    • The new gig here is to be “homeless” with a dog. Because who can resist a sweet faced pup? But seriously – if you can’t feed yourself, then why would you have a dog? And when “bring your dog to panhandle day” starts trending, I stop believing you.

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      • Yes Lisa, I feel sorry for the dogs. I would never do that to one. My daughter rides around with small bags of dog food that she can toss out to them.

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        • Honestly, I am the softest touch ever when it comes to people asking for help. I have never turned down a request for help with food and I have given people money for gas or car repairs. If you’re scamming me, then the shame is on you, not me. I just know that I have plenty to give and I can always wait for my next meal because I know it’s coming. I can’t imagine being in a position to have to ask strangers for help. It breaks my heart.

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          • Lisa so am I, but I watch these people and it’s a scam. These aren’t even people from this area. There is no reason why they can’t work some job, they stand out there all day. They have had people offer jobs and food and they refuse. And if you are out there begging g why would you be out there chain smoking an $8.00 pack of cigarettes. I just feel that you help those who help themselves, they are just helping themselves to other people’s hard earned money. And this area has shelters and programs to help but they refuse because they make more money begging. And I really don’t feel sorry for drug heads, no body supports my habits but me. And everyone e knows the dangers of certain drugs, but yet they do them anyway. And it’s not only strangers that have drug addictions that I don’t have sympathy for, it’s family members too. I refuse to pay for drugs.( Unless ots my own. (JJ) )

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            • Or tattoos , if you are covered with tats you could afford you could also afford food and give up the tats.
              Family lying and stealing money from an elderly parent by lying to them to get money from them and doing it for YEARS. I don’t feel sorry for them.
              And there should be a limit on the amount of times you can get “saved” from using drugs. The life saving drug shot.
              I am sorry to sound so bitter, I didn’t used to be.

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            • If I feel compelled to help, then I don’t worry what they do with it…that’s their karma to deal with. I don’t help everyone, but sometimes this really weird feeling comes over me…it’s like the universe is telling me to help. I don’t ignore that feeling. I’m scared to.

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      • Seriously. And those are the ones I give money to, the ones with a dog. Two dogs? Even better. I once gave a panhandler a dollar because his sign said, “Why lie? I want a beer.” I figured at least he was being honest. Of course, he didn’t mention the crank he also wanted.

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      • There is a guy that works a driveway into the Walmart and he has a dog. I feel so sorry for the animal. He is there on the weekends, I guess because a higher traffic count. So, he can afford to only work Friday, Saturday and Sunday and make enough that he doesn’t have to work through the week.

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  18. Also too – The Prose. Bah!

    And thirdly – the cheese and crackers are THE most important part of any party.

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  19. That off leash thing drives me bonkers. What if EVERYONE did that? These are the same people who don’t control their kids in public because they think they’re special and believe that everyone will agree.

    Your co-workers are an attractive group of humans. Like each one is more beautiful than the last.

    Lovely post lovely June!

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  20. You look SO young ,less stressed these days.
    I see ol’ Sandy Jones doing a beer commercial on your site has a wedding ring on.
    Steely Dan there has one eye on you and checking out the “something else” with the other.

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  21. So much funny today! Must read it all again!

    Will not comment on the mens in the pictures as they look barely legal. They are handsome young men though. I have deleted about twelve times now a comment with Hollywood Weiny’s name in it but he creeps me out so bad I deleted. Who said I am incapable of editing myself?

    Hey. Wanna talk bankers hours? That’s BANKS now! WTFrick!! They’re barely open for walk in hours anymore and drive thru hours are limited too. Maybe sometimes I just want the warm embrace of a hello and a smile from a real person. Okay, that last sentence made me chuckle too.

    You’re so pretty, Joooooooon.

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  22. I’m exhausted just reading about your weekend although it sounds like a good time was had by all.

    I can’t believe the stupid woman who couldn’t bear to leash her dogs. Did you tell Edsel all about it when you returned home?

    This morning, I’m enjoying the rare sound of rain. How truly lovely it sounds.

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  23. You know what I took for granted when I wore (only) reading glasses? All the different pretty glasses I could have at one time. I miss that fun on my face.

    Busy busy busy is how that weekend went, which I suppose is a good thing for you right now. I had one of those two weekends ago and this weekend all I wanted to do was nothing.

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  24. I, too, get annoyed with local businesses with ridiculous hours. Convenience is often the one thing they have to offer over online stores, so if they’re inconvenient, with higher prices, and you have to drive to their location versus having your package delivered . . . not a recipe for success. Well, OK, a given store might have unique merchandise and great customer service, too. (Acting like there will be a quiz.) Didn’t do Callanetics over the weekend, but did do a bunch of yard work. Feelin’ it today. And not in a good way.

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  25. The midnight Saturday photo reminds me of the one with the beer in the bodice of your wedding gown.
    Lovely post, dancing queen.

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  26. Very nice, Coot. So many funny moments in this post. Joon, you are killing it. Scrappy has had Elphaba’s claw in his snoot as well. The dogs know not to eff with her, even Queen Of Mean Sophie. Poor Scrap. He is a bit of a minature Eds, but Sophie has the underbite.

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  27. Lovely post Coot. What an eventful weekend. What with the emus and emos and boogie shoes.
    I heard the only reason to see that movie is because of Idiris Albeegettingnaked. Also what is it with old Kate and Hanks? Dont want to travel with either of them.

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  28. I laughed out loud so many times reading this post. You are a Monday morning good fairy. Think my fav was “yet another clue you should not take mass transportation with Kate Winslet”. So good.

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    • I snorted when you mentioned the doggie civil war! I don’t understand why people don’t leash their dogs! I had two dust mop dogs come after my dog. I was on a busy street so they were in danger of getting hit by a car or masticated by my dog! Annoying.

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  29. Wow, this is an awesome post. You had a whirlwind weekend; I am out of breath just reading about it. Don’t feel guilty about not giving that man money. If you are kind of scared you should listen to your gut and keep going. You can find other ways to give to people in need. And no, I don’t mind seeing the photos a second time. The fire pit photo is great and the party looks super cool.

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  30. Went to read the comments thus far and cannot find any. The heck. Is it possible that I am first? Doubtful. Lovely post Miss June.

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