Sowing my wildly expensive oats

You know what I don’t like?

Yes, June. In fact, I have a comprehensive list. It’s really more of a scroll at this point.

No, there’s a new one.

Sigh. [turns scroll sideways to write in the margin]

Packet oatmeal that makes you work for it. You’re buying DRY OATMEAL in a foil PACKET. Clearly you are not up for whipping up a gourmet breakfast if you’re choosing dry oatmeal in a foil packet.

Add 150-degree purified water, let stand for 48 seconds, put in microwave for 192 seconds, on low, then remove and cover with Sanskrit tomes for 18 seconds under a full moon, 22 seconds if it’s a waxing gibbous. If it’s waning or new, do not eat this product.

My joie de vivre coworker Griff, of Thus Saith Griff fame, hates it when gas pumps tell you to pull the card out quickly, or when you’re microwaving something, to leave it in there sitting for a minute after.

“Don’t tell me what to fuckin’ do,” he says. And see, he’s right. June says, as she crunches her refusing-to-soften-for-some-reason fancy oatmeal.

It has MADAGASCAR vanilla. Oh, fuck off. Isn’t all vanilla from Madagascar? I don’t know what possessed me to purchase such lofty foil breakfast food; I must have been feeling vulnerable. “This oatmeal will solve everything. If I spent 11 dollars on four packs of oatmeal, surely my life will gel marvelously.”

In other news, my father sent me these:

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What are they, June?

They’re socks.

Fuck off, June.

They’re socks with Frida Kahlo on them. And did she really own a monkey? Because goddammit. I want a monkey.

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fuk off, joon

I came home from work last night to all three cats clamoring to come in. I had worked late, and they were all looking at their kitty watches, annoyed. Iris limped in. “Why you limpin’ little Irises?” I asked, and once again, I’m certain the neighbors do not abhor me and my cat speak at all.

There is some fur off her little Iris head, and one has to surmise she was in a tuffle during the day, and “tuffle” is a fine word, and while, yes, it may have been her enemy, Orange Cat, it may also have been her very own brother, Gray Asshole.

All night, she just wanted to be on me. I was trying to work out, and she kept stretching over to lie on my lap while I, you know, lifted my leg 800 times.

In the meantime, last night, Steely Dan came home with everyone, had dinner, then immediately stood on the secretary and howled. The piece of furniture, not Henry Kissinger.

Won’t you enjoy my current references?

I let him out, and of course even though it was 2 degrees out, he wouldn’t come home, and since we all know he was very extremely undoubtedly likely to have SLEPT IN ANOTHER HOUSE, he was fine.

He came home today, ravenous. Well, “ravenous.” He was probably fed Madagascar vanilla cat food before he wandered back here. But what he does if he deigns to stay home during the day is get on the spare bed and do this:

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He likes to get between the pillows. And he looks so sweet, and like such a nice kitty, that one can’t help but pet his velvety earses and kiss his sweet walnut head and

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seeeryouslee. fuk off JOON.

Crap.

I’d better go. I woke up at 5:00 today and couldn’t fall back asleep until I DID, and then when the alarm went off at 6:30 I reset it for 7:30 and now I’m late and this is all you get today. Oh!

IMG_1220.jpgBut my flowers and antlers came yesterday, for m’Frida costume, and now my head matches my socks. We will not speak of my curtains or drapes or however that crude saying goes.

It’s carpet, right? Carpet and drapes? What a stupid thing to ask. Whose carpet ever matches their drapes? I guess mine do–I have neither.

Hoooooo-aaaaa. But really, I don’t. I have blinds and hardwoods.

Hooooooo-haaaaaaaaa.

Oh my god.

Frida, out.

53 thoughts on “Sowing my wildly expensive oats

  1. I love Griff. He’s kind of the Steely Dan of humans.

    Your costume will be sublime this year I see.

    Love this lovely post lovely June!

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  2. “her own brother, Gray asshole”. Flump!

    I don’t have drapes or carpet, I have wooden blinds, hardwood floors and oriental rugs.

    Hilarious post.

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  3. “her own brother, Gray asshole”. Flump!

    I don’t have drapes or carpet, I have wooden blinds, hardwood floors and oriental rugs.

    Hilarious post.

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  4. Cute socks from your Dad.

    Iris needs an angry rooster body guard that can follow her and defend when necessary. Plus, he’d crow at daybreak and you’d never oversleep the alarm clock.

    SD is such an independent soul. I admire his wandering spirit.

    *Notice my nod to Halloween?

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I love those pictures of SD. Also, I too would like a monkey. And a goat, a pig, a baby cow, a Galapagos tortoise, and a manatee. I think that’s my full list of animals. Wait, no. Also a hedgehog and a squirrel.

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      1. I have a thing against manatees. They kind of creep me out. I think they must be pretty stupid because they get hit by boats all the time in the “No Wake” zones. It takes a lot of effort to get hit by something that is creeping along at negative miles an hour.

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        1. CHERYL! They are hit by boats that ARE NOT following the no wake zone! They are kind and gentle creatures. Sea cows. They serve a very important function in the brackish coastal waters by grazing on the grasses that would otherwise overtake the waterways.

          I LOVE MANATEES!

          Liked by 1 person

  6. Love this post. I am sure if i tried I might be able to come up with something funny about the carpet and drapes. However, it is only 10:20 and I am already counting down until bed time. It is going to be a very long day!

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  7. Darling, Madagascar vanilla is so yesterday. MINE is from a volcano-heated greenhouse in Iceland.

    18 sec under a full moon . . . Killing me. “Product will be recherché.”

    Yeah, she had a monkey. Because she was Frida Kahlo.

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  8. When we were in Mexico this summer, Frida was everywhere. I guess they realized that Americans would buy anything with her face on it. And I would. My daughter went to Madagascar last summer for a humanitarian thing, and I just heard that the plague is out of control over there now. They are pulling volunteers out. I am so glad this wasn’t her year! I mean -the plague? Is it the 1600’s again or what?

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  9. Hilarious, Coot. Are you wearing the costume to work or to party? Your co-worker-cancelling headphones are gonna get awkward with those antlers.

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  10. That’s such a pretty headboard. When my granddog stays over, (go ahead, hate me, I do) she sleeps between the pillows too. I always find that odd.

    Go ahead and get out your red pen and fix all of those comma placements that I’m sure I screwed up.

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  11. June, is everything good with Amazon? Since you posted about their deliberately vague notice that something wasn’t right, I can’t stop worrying about it!

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    1. Also, too, if everything is alright with amazonville. Everyone remember to come here to link through thisheer blog type thing to make Joooon a multiplexmillionaire.

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  12. I read your Iris concerns in your cat voice. See how well trained I am, Coot?

    The oatmeal skit was hilarious. Grif is my people.

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  13. Nice post Coot.

    I have always wanted a monkey.
    There is this breed called a butler monkey. Can you imagine having a butler and monkey all in one. Two birds one stone.

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  14. Your Frida Freaking Kahlo, FFS costume is going to be freaking fabulous! I love the socks from your father and I can’t wait to see your FFS eyebrow.

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  15. Then you’d really love our coffee maker at work. It tells you to “place the cup on the stand,” and decides your fate while it registers or does not register that your cup is, in fact, on the stand. And then it may or may not detect that you put a coffee pod in to brew your coffee. Then it silently screams, “TOUCH THE BUTTON!” at you when it’s time to brew your cup of coffee. So enchanting. Just give me my coffee!

    Also, like the oatmeal, I detest how difficult it is to open pain meds in the individual pill packs when I’m in very serious pain. I can’t see straight, and the maker of this pain relief I badly need expects me to have the strength and dexterity required to open it.

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  16. PS, The Frida Kahlo look is amazing on you! And I’d come steal your socks because I like them so much but I am weird about not wanting to share socks.

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  17. After my husband dyed his hair blond (we were going through a phase), a coworker asked him if the carpet matched the drapes. My husband replied that he only had hardwood.

    Lovely post but your costume needs more eyebrow hair!

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  18. So I just got the carpet matching the drapes comment thanks to chartreusedreams above me. Sigh. I love your blog but sometimes I am just not smart enough to get it.
    Lovely post, Coot.

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  19. you don’t want a monkey they look cute but if you give them a chance they will rip a vein out of your neck. you make a wonderful Frieda

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  20. Barbara Kingsolver’s book, The Lacuna, is a fabulous read featuring Frida and Diego. Of course, I love every book she wrote, but this one was especially enjoyable.

    Are you going to go with the limp, too?

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  21. Sanskrit tomes!

    I despise the self-checkout at supermarkets more than anything, the way it yells and accuses and repeats itself about whether or not you already put the fucking item in the bagging area. Plus, I am paying for the fucking groceries, so I don’t think I should have to be an unpaid cashier at the same time.

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  22. Late to the party here but one time I had a dude who was bagging my groceries, what are they called? Baggers? Anyway, I said to him, “Have a nice day.” He replied, “Don’t tell me what to do.” Oh my good lord in heaven I laughed and laughed and laughed. That kid made my day!! I suspect he only made sure to give that one liner to folks who would appreciate it for the joke that it is. Still, one of the top ten coolest moments in grocery store history for me. And I will never forget the smirk on his face when I was spitting laughing.

    Liked by 1 person

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