June's stupid life

Hey, where’s June?

Awhile back I chatted with a very funny person online, who got weird at the last minute so we never met.

This, by the way, could be the title of my life story: Things Got Weird at the Last Minute. Careful readers may recall I’ve already named my life story I Turned the Camera on Myself, but I made that title up before front-facing cameras.

Careful readers will also recall that I’ve told you I want to be called Dimebag Wasabi, and since then I’ve told you I want my new name to be about 40 other things.

Yes, we recall all that, Coot.

Oh my god, the point is, this online guy was really funny before he got weird, which could also be my autobiography: Really Funny Before She Got Weird. Except that’s rude to say about myself, the “really funny” part. I recently saw another online profile where the guy described himself as handsome.

Dude, might that be something we get to decide? I so wanted to write him that. It’s the same as describing yourself as an artist. I don’t think you get to make that call.

I did not take Ritalin today.

Oh, really, Dimebag? Who knew?

Please pretend the last seven paragraphs did not happen.

SO WHILE I NEVER MET THIS WEIRD/FUNNY GUY, one thing I liked about him is that he had a special abhorrence for the little conversation Tommy Lee and Vince Neil have in the middle of the fine tune Girls Girls Girls. Those two are artists. And probably would describe themselves as handsome.

The little conversation goes like this:

(Hey Tommy, check that out, man)
(What, Vince, where?)

He, the guy who was funny and then got weird, told me he and his friends would regularly say that to each other. It got to the point where my opening line to him would be, Hey, Tommy, check that out, man.

Then he’d write back What, Vince, where?

The point of all this is to tell you that today’s post title made me think of those lines. And really, it’s not even that close, but this is the shit you have to tolerate from me sometimes.

I took today off, as I have a lot of freelance to do, and also I am planning a small trip that I am leaving for shortly, which I will describe to you upon my return, or possibly on the Facebook while I’m there. Am vv excited about trip, and think it will be fun.

That there’s some quality writing. “I think it will be fun.” What, Vince, where?

I may even say to myself, on my “think it will be fun” trip, Hey, Coot, check that out.

Anyway, I’ve been scooched up in a not-very-ergonomic position, here, on the couch, with a laptop, trying to get stuff done, and I really ought to get back to it, so I will catch you on the flip side, or later in the weekend, or maybe at a strip club.

Friday night and I need a fight
My motorcycle and a switchblade knife
Handful of grease in my hair feels right
But what I need to get me tight are those
Girls, girls, girls
Long legs and burgundy lips
Girls, girls, girls
Dancin’ down on the Sunset Strip

My burgundy lips will talk to you later.

What, June, when?

P.S. Oh my god, I just remembered! Today is my 20-year anniversary of being a proofreader. I mean, that’s what I was at first: a proofreader. Then I became a copy editor, and I hate to toot my horn and all, but now I’m a SENIOR copy editor. I know. I wear a cap and gown to work every day. Anyway, that’s all. Check me out. What, June, where?

I need to get past this. Please send your thoughts and prayers to get me past this Motley Crue obsession. Where, June, where should we send our thoughts and prayers?

Hey, God, check that out, man.

What, Job, where?

Okay, really leaving.

46 thoughts on “Hey, where’s June?”

  1. Hope you’re having a good weekend trip, dimebag. I, on the other hand, pretty much did not leave my bedroom and TV all weekend, except to take the kid and pick the kid up from work.

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  2. I am vv excited for you to be on a trip this weekend! I will be fun! Where in the world is JUNE? I say Hawaii, because, why not?

    I loved your post today, Coot. What, June, Where?

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  3. Come to Texas! There are a shit load of Lisas here who all love you. But none more than me. Oh, and I have a small gift for you. If you email me your address and when you want me to ship/deliver it to you I will do so forthwith.

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  4. June said vv so I think she is going to go see Tammie but that’s not how you spell it is it? Tami Tammy nothing looks right.

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  5. If you were coming to the Seattle area, I could offer up a lovely coffee drink, 4 chickens and 2 cats (in case you feel like meeting a longtime reader who rarely comments). One of the cats is a long haired gray beauty who lives her life like your SD.

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  6. Ooooooo, we could all play Where in the World is Jooooooon while you’re gone. My guess is Russia. The Russia how Alec Baldwin says it, not the normal Russia where you look at a map and cock your head and go ooooooooo, Russia. I said cock.

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  7. Wait, what? Where? Motley Crue always reminds me of Ratt who did that one video with Vincent Price, I think. What?

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  8. Congratulations on your 20th anniversary and have a wonderful weekend. If I spot you out and about in your cap and gown, I’ll pretend like I don’t see you and will keep your location secret.

    May you remain stalkerless this weekend and may the weather gods smile on you.

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  9. Oh, dimebag, I remember that now. I don’t remember the reason for the name, not that you need a reason at all. Ludicrous names just come to you so easily, as does your freaky ability to remember dates. Happy 20th anniversary.

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    1. Dead spread! Hilarious. I went to a funeral yesterday as well, but no dead spread at all. Was disappointed. The family is not well off, so I am not surprised. Also, it was a military funeral at a national cemetery, so it’s not easy to put a spread on there, in the grass. We did stop to get our own dead spread at an awesome PA Dutch restaurant down the road on the way home.

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  10. I have a funeral tomorrow morning. I’m hoping the Dead Spread after lives up to the family’s reputation for wining and dining. With any luck I’ll be in a food/liquor coma by noon.

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  11. I’m a somewhat careful reader, but also a very forgetful reader. I remember you wanting to be called Dimebag Wasabi now that you reminded us. But I got on the Coot kick and forgot about Dimebag.

    Have a great and mysterious trip this weekend! Safe travels!

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  12. Enjoy your trip! We are excited because we are going to the lake Sunday to have lunch with old friends, as in we are old and we have know each other for a very long time.

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  13. When my son was about 3, we took a trip with my extended family to Seattle and the hotel we stayed at provided a driver. The first night when we went out to dinner, our driver, Lloyd dropped us off at the front door. For the rest of dinner my son asked over and over again, “Where Lloyd go?”. Ever since, whenever we go on any trip we all repeatedly ask “Where Lloyd go?”.

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    1. I’ve never heard June’s song (please don’t throw cabbages), but your comment made me think of a song I heard a bazillion years ago…

      I don’t want a pickle
      I just wanna ride my motor-sickle
      And I don’t want to d*e
      I just wanna ride my motor-sigh

      Is this a real song? I wanna say Arlo Guthrie and I’m too stinking lazy to Google so I’m going with that.

      Have a vv wonderful time in Asheville June! (Cannot believe you wrote vv. Please use n next. Please. Like: “Asheville was fun n stuff.”)

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      1. Yes! Arlo Guthrie! It is a real song – and he was spoofing all of the folk song lyrics where the writer tried just a little too hard to get a rhyme.

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        1. I am so glad to find out I’m not the only person with this weirdness in her head. My parents were such the hippies. I spent much of my childhood cocking my head at them and thinking “What the hell does that even MEAN?”

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  14. this may be the weekend of ‘going away’ as i am as well. i don’t remember you wanting to be called dime bag but, hey, gotcha, dime bag!

    dear dime bag –

    have a great weekend!

    i’ll be in oklahoma if you need me.

    ta ta!

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  15. Happy vacation! Please don’t party like Motley Crüe. It’s the thirty year anniversary of the death of Nikki Sixx. Yes, he’s still alive and kicking. He hosts a pm radio show. In 1987, when the Crüe was at their most successful, he decided to od on heroin. He was declared legally dead for a full two minutes.

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    1. Kickstart my Heart was the song he wrote about his death. I read The Heroin Diaries. Very good but boy did I feel like I need a hot shower after reading it.

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  16. You know we will all be, “What, June, where?” ALL damn weekend. I, too, have a weekend trip planned! I will be in lovely Jefferson, Texas with five of my friends from school. It seems a long shot, but I will keep an eye peeled for ya, Coot.

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    1. Oh have a piece of pie at tbe hamburger place. They have pie with the tallest calf slobber on top. Also and too danve a little 2 step at Annie Skinner and get a root beer float at the General store. Oh and the Chile Rellenos at tje Mexican Cafe are excellent. Wait. Maybe thats why I gain 30 pounds everytime I go to Jefferson.

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  17. June takes Friday off a lot of days on Book of June, so surprised to see you today.
    Florida perchance .
    Have fun , no matter where. Excited, it is good that June is excited.
    Will be looking forward to Sunday evening and your trip stories.

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  18. Ooooohhhhh a trip! I could use a good trip right now, and no I don’t mean over my shoelace. Maybe you’re coming to MY HOUSE! I knew I should have changed the sheets in the guest room…

    Have a lovely trip lovely Coot!

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  19. if you come to your nation’s capital and don’t tell all of us here in the area (who have creepily discovered we are “neighbors” via the FB group), I shall be sad.

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    1. Could it be that June is being vague on purpose so that she does not have to face any, “Why aren’t you visiting MEEEEEEE” sitch? Could it be? Could it be June is avoiding being spotted, and not having to overhear, “Hey, Fellow Reader, check that out, man.” “What, Fellow Reader, where?”

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