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Chicken parm for the marm

Here’s what I like about myself. I mean, other than the obvious “everything.”

I recently got matched with a cool-looking dude on the Bumble, there, and with that particular dating site, they give you 24 hours to write the person after you’ve been matched, and the woman has to write first. This cuts down dramatically on the number of crude hellos one encounters with online dating.

Why are there men who think opening with a line about wanting to stick your previously unseen personal parts into the recipient of your inaugural note would go over well with any non-roofied woman?

So yesterday evening I wrote a man, “I’m just on my way out the door, but I wanted to write before our time expired.” Don’t I sound breezy, and fun, and whirlwind, and like I’m taking a nothing day and suddenly making it all seem worthwhile?

IMG_1502.jpgI was leaving a bar to go to a sandwich truck. Will the adventures never end? That guy probably thinks I’m dashing out to accept my Nobel or hauling water for the Peace Corps or something.

And I like how if we call a sandwich something else, like glamorous “panini,” it sounds better. I had a mozzarella, basil and tomato PANINI. So rather than eat it as I walked to my car, I masticated during my evening constitutional, under the waxing gibbous.

IMG_1489.jpgI’d been at a bar, on a MONDAY, as you do, because it was someone’s last day. Yes, I DID just go out recently because it was someone’s last day. It was another person’s last day. Hundreds of people work there, dude. They come and go, talking of Michelangelo.

It was the same bar I went to last time, where the sun is screaming in at you for the first hour, and you get a free cataract surgery, so intense is the laser of the sun.

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More of a sunfie, really. A shot of me and my pal Ray. I’m live-streaming. …I got a million of ’em. Give me a ball of fire and I got material for years, sunny.

Not only did I see a lot of the sun, I also saw my handyman Alf. Which was convenient for me, as I was able to cut into his drinking time to alert him that my windows need fixing. Truthfully, Alf looked a little paned when he saw me.

Thank you. I’ll quite literally be here all week. Speaking of which, I was at a restaurant the other night next to a table of the millennials, and really we should just be assigned different restaurants. Or they should have millennial/nonmillennial sections. Anyway, the woman behind me said, “This is literally so good” three times.

I wanted to just turn in my booth and school marm the fuck out of her youthful ass. I did. “What do you mean when you say it’s literally so good, you moronic turn-of-the-century asshole?” I wanted to menopause and reflect all over her bullshitty youthspeak. But I did not. Because my chicken parm was literally so good. Chicken parm for the marm.

I can see that I’m on a nonlinear roll today, so let me stop, let me menopause, and tell you three things right now, before I wander off. I wanted to write you before we expire.

Six months ago, I had my daith pierced, because I am street and also because it’s supposed to help migraines. They told me it’d take a long time to actually heal, and they were right about THAT, but finally it seems better, so on my way home from Atlanta Sunday, I passed the tattoo parlor where I got pierced, and had a real earring put in, as opposed to the training bra I’ve been sporting.

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If we could all just pretend you can’t see my pores from Sputnik. Thanks.

As for the success, I still get migraines, but not as often on that side, which leads me to want to get the other side pierced. I thought of doing it Sunday, since I was already there, but Tuna seemed distracted. Tuna is the piercer, and what has become of my life? Also, is “tattoo parlor” aging me, like when my mother calls them “blue jeans”?

Anyway, while I was in Atlanta I clearly had to stick my dog somewhere, and please see above references to online daters sticking their parts, which has nothing to do with where I stuck my dog, so please hang up on PETA before you alarm them. I stuck him at dog daycare, where he’s been going since birth. When he used to go with Tallulah, he’d follow her everywhere, and she’d act like they’d never met.

guy wif unnerbyte? he still behind Lu? yeah, no idea.

When Lu died, his time at daycare looked, well, less fun. When I’d look at Edsel on the webcam, he always seemed to kind of stand alone, waiting for me to come get him. This weekend I was so busy, with my breezy on-the-go life, that I never checked on him via webcam till yesterday at work.

Screen Shot 2017-10-30 at 12.04.39 PM.pngEvery time I looked at him, he was hanging out with a beagle. I mean, every time.

Screen Shot 2017-10-30 at 12.01.13 PMThey were inseparable, so much so that I was reluctant to get him at lunch, but I knew I had to get my drank on after work, and priorities. When I retrieved him, Dexter the beagle threw his head back and howled at the gate.

I found out his name was Dexter because I asked daycare, who’ve been knowing Edsel since eighteen aught six when I first took him there, “Who’s the beagle he’s actually acknowledging?”

Turns out, Dexter had also been there all weekend, and the two of them were thick as thieves since Saturday.

So you know what I hate? When people add “come to find out” to a story. “He was with that dog, come to find out it was another boy dog. Come to find out, my dog is as gay as the maypole. Come to find out all my suspicions were correct.”

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Edsel, falling asleep looking at me when he got home from his weekend Dexter extravaganza

Anyway, I intend to call daycare and get more guff on when Dexter will be there next, as Eds having a friend is just the cutest goddamn thing I can think of. It’s literally so cute.

I think I had more, but I see I’m at 1,059 words, and hello, restless crowd. I close with more photos of my coworkers, and puppies at bars, and I will talk to you tomorrow when there will be a full Kit and June Hand Out Poison Candy Halloween extravaganza throwdown.

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Took by accident, but I think insurance ought to pay for that deviated septum and oh, while they’re in there, that tulip bulb for a nose tip I got going.

Boo.

Joooooooooon

 

54 thoughts on “Chicken parm for the marm

  1. Hey, who’s that interloper trying to butt (heh) in on Edsel’s BFF in the 2nd picture?

    Edz looks all “Get back, bitz, this MY friend!”

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  2. Aww, Edz has a buddy! You need to tell Dexter’s parents that you will be taking him home with you to be Edsel’s BFF (best boyfriend forever!) I think they need playdates now.

    I thought the last picture of the under your chin area was you trying to see those weird black hairs that come out of nowhere, but you can’t see them clearly enough in the mirror to pluck. Oh, is that just me?

    That pretty daithring (is that a word?) looks like an engagement ring for your ear. Very nice.

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  3. This post had me laughing in my living room all by myself like a crazy person. Even the dogs looked at me like “What so funnee?”. The picture of Edsel also has me DYING. Literally.

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  4. So are you saying I would be named junk food (in the neutral sense) or Cheez Puff (with more specificity)? Or maybe Dr. Pepper (on a more consistent basis)? Huh.

    That picture of Edz is so cute. He is just so tiiirrreeed. Quick mom, take picture, time to slllleeeeeppp. It is so cute that he made a friend.

    You, my coot, are on fire today!

    Lovely post, lovely June!

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    1. Seriously? Maybe that’s a thing. I want to be named after food. Everyone call me mashed potato. No, that’s not sexy. Mallow Cup. Also not sexy. BBQ rib? Sweet Tart? I’m tryina think of my favorite foods. Ooooo, Nick-l Nip.

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      1. A gazillion years ago, I picked Tastee Cakes as my food name (very long story). I was Tastee Cakes of the Californian Cakes obvs.

        Buttery Biscuits is (are?) also good if you’re local.

        (This post and the comments are hysterical! Thank you!)

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  5. What a fun post! Your new/old coat is really cool!
    Your coworker with the twirly, jaunty scarf is cracking me up.
    Free cataract surgery!

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  6. I think everyone with a cat needs a Yeowww! Catnip Banana for their cats. It would be great if someone could put up a link to Amazon so everyone we all could buy one. I have seaglass already and my cat doesn’t like it!

    On to the crux of the matter… Edsel has a buddy, I’m so happy for him!! I used to have a foster dog that was very picky. I mean she very lady likedly would try to rip the throat out of any dog that she deemed undesirable. When she found a dog that she loved it melted my heart! My current dog isn’t really into dogs unless they still have their balls (but they can’t be puppies or too old either). There are very few of those around. We have a Hairy Chinese Crested (“now with fur”), that has his on my dog is beside herself around him. Makes me so happy!

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  7. P.S. Edsel’s toothy photo is so cute. He needs a purple beret. His doggy friend Dexter…adorable. I bet his family would let him come home with you for a weekend!

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  8. Love this post in so many ways. I’m so happy for Edz. I see this going somewhere. I would write more but I am struck down with a flu bug and it’s all I can do to type. Yes, dramatic. Millennials, oh not only different sections, but maybe different galaxies …. my 55 year old grouchy, menopausal self, finds them all intolerable. It couldn’t be ME could it?
    We also want to hear about the guy on BumbletinderMatch or whatever it is. I’m so not street. Anyway, it’s the fever talking. Maybe his name is Dexter.

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  9. I’ve fallen in love with the little fat black and white dog in the second day care picture. I can’t figure out if he thinks he’s too cool to hang with the rest of the buttsniffers, or he needs someone to sit with at lunch.
    Completely agree with the millenial-speak.
    Great post!

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  10. That picture of Edsel looks like he needs a smoking jacket and pipe to go with those bedroom eyes. Sex-ayyy!
    My two pet peeve words now are ‘conflate’ and ‘normalize’. They are good words and used appropriately, but I am tired of hearing them multiple time daily.
    Lovely post, Coot.

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  11. My whole long-legged life I had never met a Dexter. Until last week. I went to a furniture store and my sales person was my first Dexter. Then on Sunday I was at the Target and my cashier was the second Dexter. And of course, I told him all about furniture store Dexter (who had only met 2 other Dexters). Target Dexter had never met another so I suggested he head to the furniture store.
    And now you tell me Edsel has his very own Dexter. I don’t know what to make of all this.
    Great post, Coot!

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  12. Not even sure what I laughed more about in this post, it was like a constant one two punch, it kept coming and coming and coming. I’m still shaking my head. Literally, shaking my head.

    Lovely post, Joob. You’re so pretty, Coot. (Am I using Coot right?)

    And Eds and the beagle made me sniff. I miss my beagles. Lalula was part beagle so maybe that’s the connection. Also you rock that red coat, man.

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  13. Can I pretty please leave this on my tombstone as my last wish?

    “I wanted to just turn in my booth and school marm the fuck out of her youthful ass. ”

    I’ll give you credit!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. On the other hand, fewer people seem to be spelling “voila” as “viola” these days. Unfortunately, it’s because they now think it’s “wa-la.”

      Paned. That made me so happy.

      Liked by 1 person

  14. I love to see all the dogs at daycare looking like it’s a cocktail party. So glad Edz made a friend. Yes, Frune’s coworkers are all quite lovely and cool and hipster-like. But she is too, so we should expect no less. But, everyone from this moment on needs to stop naming their baby Alex. There have been too many to count. Hope expiring guy is a gentlemen!

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  15. I was literally laughing out loud at the pores from Sputnik caption when one of my bosses walked up to my desk. I quickly faked a horrible coughing bout and I hope I pulled it off.

    I think Eds and Dexter make a very nice couple.

    Very nice, Coot.

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  16. Happy Nevada Day from, you know, Nevada. There will be no candy for the children because I’ll be out getting my Nevada drink on. Also, we live in the dark, sidewalk-less hinterlands, so yay. Tried to watch E & D on the webcam yesterday, but I was late. My sister has a daith piercing and she said it was a bitch to heal. And she’s a nurse! Lovely post, Coot. Yer puns are hot.

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  17. Has there ever been an Edsel photo calendar? The world needs twelve joyous months of Edsel. That close-up has me breathless with laughter. He’s like a happy drunk. Glad he found a new friend.

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  18. So much funny in this post! I almost spit my tea on my computer several times. I’m with Beth about your nose. That red coat is beautiful, now I have coat envy. I have more to say, but I have to go or I will be late for my hair cut appointment.

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  19. What else could you call it but tattoo parlor? If you just said parlor I would think funeral being a death hag and all.
    I love Ed’s gay ass so much.
    Pretty earring choice. More room for sparkle, yay!

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  20. You know, I don’t even notice your nose until you point it out. And you have a CUTE nose…fits you perfectly.
    Good for Edsel, I don’t care who he loves as long as they are good to him.
    Also, I don’t care how old the red head is, he is adorable…because ancient here.
    I think buying the red coat has turned your mood.Or maybe getting out more and being around regular people is the trick …or treat.

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  21. I am sooooo happy for Edsel and Dexter. They make a lovely couple!

    If I took a picture of my underchin, it would scare all the chillens. Maybe that will be my Halloween costume – I will go as my own underside.

    Love this post June! More lovely friends o’Coot!

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  22. You have a lovely, long neck. If I had taken that accidental photo it would have featured my no neck and double chin. Edsel and Dexter sitting in a tree…. lovely post Froot.

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  23. There’s a Kevin Spacey / Edsel / Dexter too-soon joke here somewhere, but I’ll be damned if I can find it. I’m too busy hating Halloween.

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  24. Lu was his surrogate mum, she dies, he hates all girl dogs & stabs them in the shower… I guess getting his gay on is preferable. He is a homicidal sweetie who was nice to his mother. We should all find a man that cute. Loving Dexter already.
    Nice post Coot.

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  25. Nice post Coot. You are wearing the awesome Red Riding Hood coat. Did expires guy write back? How do you drink again so soon after your Frida drinking binge? So many questions.

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