If we’re gonna turn back time, can we turn it back to when I was cute?

A delight this time of year is discovering HOW MANY DAMN CLOCKS you own. You think you set them all back, only to enter a room and say, “Oh my god! It’s 8:30??!!” Yeah, no it isn’t. You forgot this one. Now how the fuck do you work THIS one, goddammit?

I gotta make my house more like Las Vegas.

I’m pleased to report that I almost killed myself adjusting my car’s clock while I drove, and hey, June. Unsafe at any speed.

Also too, I set my alarm clock back an hour. Knowing how I am, how I a.m., I brought my phone to bed with me last night, set that alarm as well, to be safe.

This morning, as my phone and I rocked out to Tupelo Honey at really 7:30 but at what the government insists is now 6:30, I thought, hey, why is just my phone going off and not the additional, tinny, you-ordered-this-on-Amazon-and-clearly-it-came-from-China alarm clock?

And right then I knew. I’d somehow fucked up. And that is when I saw my regular Chinese alarm clock said, oh hey, it’s 6:30 p.m., man. Have a cocktail. I’d set the time for p.m. when it was a.m.

Do you know what I haven’t done in forever? Is add any sort of Amazon link, so you’re reminded to click, say, that clock above so you are then on Amazon, and anything you buy I get millions of dollars for.

Anyway, so the time changed, and as you can see, it vexes me. Fortunately, I’m the only person in America who is vexed by the daylight savings. I’m saving daylight for a rainy day.

Photo on 11-4-17 at 8.55 PM.jpg
o fer fuk sake

Back when time was normal, I did nothing but my freelance work, and what I noticed by Saturday night is the animals were plumb sick of me and also I was depressed from sitting in my house doing freelance work.

So I got dressed and put on lipstick and went to Barnes and Noble at 9:00 on a Saturday night. I know! When I throw down, man… But hey, did you know Barnes and the Noble, there, are open till 11:00? I didn’t. Till I was depressed and wondering where the Sam Hill I could go that late that wasn’t a strip club.

I got some Moleskine notebooks. Oh, wait. What if there were a link to the same kind of notebooks, and you could buy them too and we could be Moleskine members only?

I also bought Judy Blume’s latest book.

Which, okay, is from two years ago, BUT I DIDN’T KNOW THAT.

So that wasn’t so bad, Saturday night wasn’t.

IMG_1558.jpgOn Sunday morning, I got stood up. If any of you know a local 54-year-old man of color named Charles–which I thought was going to be a good sign because that was my grandfather’s name–please tell him he’s a very rude man.

At 10:39, I wrote him via the dating app, as he was nine minutes late. “I’m, um, here!” One should take note of the fact that one did not get a real phone number before said date. One should never go on a date without the person’s actual number. This is my little tip for you.

At 10:45, I wrote him again. “I wait for no man, Charles.” Then I deleted him from my matches. Charles will not be in charge of my days and my nights.

IMG_E1556.JPGSo, since I was already up and sporting real pants and so on on a Sunday morning, I browsed the windows of my friend Kit’s store, and oh my god this chair.

IMG_E1557.JPGPlus also, oh my god, this hat.

I have to stop going to Kit’s store. She night as well not pay for the storefront; she could just drive all of her finds over to my house.

IMG_1546.jpgSo that about sums it up. It’s hard to blog about your life when you’re currently ceasing to have much of one.

Oh, but listen. Be sure to purchase many things via my Amazon, will you? Because my stupid dishwasher is broken and I have to get a new one, I think. I already had a dishwasher repairman here, twice, and it works better, as long as you don’t mind that half the things don’t get clean. I also keep trying to make this computer work nicely, and instead it groans and spools and sings about doom, despair and agony. This computer is six years old. Is that too old?

I leave you with photos of the animals, because remember when I went out and had fun and saw people other than animal people?

Me, either.

IMG_E1572.JPGIMG_E1571.JPG

IMG_E1564.JPG
get lyfe.

I swear Lily’s not dead. Lemme find any recent Lily photo… I have trouble because she’s always out having athletic adventures.

Oh. Wait.

IMG_1507.jpg
maybe lilleee a little bit ded

Okay, bye.

Joooon.

80 thoughts on “If we’re gonna turn back time, can we turn it back to when I was cute?

  1. I laughed out loud at SD butt in the screen. Bad boy!

    Love the picture of Edz and blue, and iris and plant, and the throw rug formerly known as Lily. My Himalayan sleeps like that. All 4 legs straight up like a cartoon dead cat.

    Unless Chaaaahles sends 4 dozen assorted roses with a huge box of chocolates and a lovely hand-written apology note with a very valid excuse, like, a plane crashed into his house, he’s dead to us!

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  2. Well durn for Charles, that’s not very mature of him. But yes, that chair! I have tried to figure out how to get it into my house too. I love it! I cannot believe LisaMillah had a man standing in her closet! I would have fainted. Looking forward to tomorrow’s story about the singing drunk. Yikes!

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    1. Kit I nearly did faint, after the fact. It was just so startling, that I think at first I just didn’t even realize what I was looking at. As a result stupid me couldn’t really give Dallas PD much of a good description. Lesson learned. Do not walk away from standing wide open front door.

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  3. Any chance Charles forgot to fall back? Perhaps he is raging against the time change by NOT changing his clock… and missed his date with you. Seems he clocked himself. Could he be from Arizona or Hawaii and not know the customs in the other 48 states? Oh, for a second opinion, someone to give reason in our hour of need, just a minute clue as to his thinking…
    [Before the fall back, I would be going home now. As it is, I have to be here another hour.]

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                    1. Ol’ No Show probably thinks he’s the man of the hour but what he doesn’t realize is June is nobody’s seconds.

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  4. Awesome pictures, Coot! The animal butt in the screen picture and ded lilleeee are of particular favorites.

    I don’t know why but every time I see the name Moleskine, I see the word foreskin and the visual will not leave my head. Do not google fucking foreskin to make sure you have it spelled correctly. I took one for the team just now and need to find a pen to gouge my eyes out. Why do I torture myself this way?

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  5. It took me a minute to realize that was a cat crawling through your screened door and not some woodland creature.
    I’m sorry you got stood up. How roooood! Good for you for not waiting around.
    Lisa, Not THAT Lisa’s whole comment cracked me up.

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  6. That photo of SD going through the screen!

    That chair would fit in perfectly in my home!

    That Charles sucks!

    That Judy Blume book needs to go on my list (how did I miss that?)!

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  7. Nice post Coot. Charles is a dick. Yep ild Chuck the dick. I too had a rule about being stood up.

    I am waiting with bated breath or is it baited breast for your intruder story.

    I spent my weekend in 4 feet of snow and temps in the single to zero digits. Heaven I tell you.

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    1. Sadly there is a Wikipedia page for that: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Daylight_saving_time_by_country
      USA is not the only one:

      Most areas in North America and Europe, and some areas in the Middle East, observe daylight saving time (DST), while most areas of Africa and Asia do not. In South America, most countries in the north of the continent near the equator do not observe DST, while Paraguay and southern parts of Brazil do. The practice of observing daylight saving time in Oceania is also mixed, with New Zealand and parts of southeastern Australia observing DST, while most other areas do not.

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  8. Yeah, the clocks aren’t changed around here. One wristwatch and the clock on the stove. Maybe one in the living room. The one in the bedroom is a bitch to change, so it isn’t. I had to do math in the middle of the night when I woke up to check the time. Because I was going swimming at the crack this morning. And the then the pool failed its chlorine test so I showered there and am at work RIDICULOUSLY early. Sigh. But I like this clock change. Hate dark mornings.

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  9. I really want to hear the story tomorrow. Reminding you now. I know. Not helpful. I giggled at the Charles in charge reference too! Love the chair and the hat and I am sorry about the dishwasher. Most of our Christmas is from amazon so I should be helping you out soon. What is it with dishwashers and bloggers right now? Suburban Correspondent’s dishwasher just died too.

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  10. I really want to hear the story tomorrow. Reminding you now. I know. Not helpful. I giggled at the Charles in charge reference too! Love the chair and the hat and I am sorry about the dishwasher. Most of our Christmas is from amazon so I should be helping you out soon. What is it with dishwashers and bloggers right now? Suburban Correspondent’s dishwasher just died too.

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  11. Some of my clocks still aren’t changed. I’m pretty good at subtracting an hour, though. I enjoyed the pet pics. Can I say pics? Sorry you were stood up. Charles just doesn’t know what he missed.

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  12. Charles standing you up was very rude. I hope the next 10 dates he arranges stand him up. Sorry that happened to you.
    Of course, I enjoy the pictures of all your animals, I have told you as much many times before. But oh my gosh how I adore your Edsel. I look at your pictures of him for a good long while. His face is just SO sweet. I continue to love your dog, a dog I have never met, from afar.
    Finally, oh my gosh. I just read your comment about a man trying to come in your back door! This weekend, my husband was painting our front door ( red! ) and so the front door was standing open. Our house is weird. It was built in the 1920’s, and the front door opens into my office. Just after noon on Saturday, I walk into my office only to find a man looking in my closet! I was so stunned, I just stood there slack-jawed for a minute. Without really thinking, I yelled, “hey!” He wheels around, looks at me and then bolts out the door. He didn’t take anything and in retrospect I guess I am lucky he just ran. But Jeez Louise it was startling. Anyway, just thought it was ironically coincidental and that I would share. Lovely post, Coot.

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  13. When I read your title, I heard Cher’s voice in my head singing, “…turn back time”. Was that just me?
    Love your excellent pet photos and Kit’s display window, including the OMG chair.

    Charles stood you up? That’s just rude and his loss. Next!

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  14. I hate DST!!!! It gets dark so early. I suspect that is the very reason ME and MA stayed on DST. Have you ever been on the coast of Maine in the fall? It gets dark at 4:30.

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    1. Same with Minnesota. So. Dark. But it also is dark in the morning…lights on in the car going and coming home from work–GAAAA! It’s not the clock’s fault, it is the dang TILT of the EARTH.

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  15. Oh my GOD, you guys, I forgot to tell you about Friday night, and the singing man, the drunk singing man, who I called 911 on who TRIED TO OPEN MY BACK DOOR, not a euphemism. Will you PLEASE remind me to tell you tomorrow? It’s full of fire and brilliance, that story.

    Also, who is sick of me? Is it the fine people at 911?

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  16. See, I like it when we are on normal time. When we change to DST in the spring, that’s when I get off kilter. This time of year people complain about DST when we are actually going back to real time. Does this mean they don’t like real time? So confusing.

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    1. I think what we don’t like is changing twice a year. I do find “falling back” way easier to take than “springing ahead”. And we don’t like the shorter days, no matter which end of the day is now depressingly and increasingly darker. hashtag human condition

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  17. EFF CHARLES. What an ass.

    I hate the time change. The clock in my (ancient) car will now be 54 minutes off for the next six months (it was already six minutes off. oh. maybe now it’s 66 minutes off? hoo care. it’s wrong). Back in the day, my VCR used to spend six months of the year being wrong, too. Now I have a stupid ridiculous clock that changed itself two weeks ago and gave me a heart attack. After this weekend, it was two hours off and gave me another heart attack. So I fixed it manually and called it many bad names. All was well until I put my watch on this morning, which I hadn’t worn yesterday and boom. Heart attack. OHMYGOD I’M GOING TO BE LATE … oh. this shit again. And I fixed it but I didn’t call it any names because I actually like my watch, unlike my stupid ridiculous clock that I hate, loathe and despise. Maybe I’ll go to Amazon and buy a new one.

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  18. I haven’t blogged in ages due to my life. I can barely hold a conversation with my parents.

    How are you? Fine (aka, depressed and broke)
    What’s going on? Nothing new (really. Nothing.)

    To say, you blog well. You always have no matter your sitch.

    I’m sorry to hear about the dishwasher and computer. Not cheap replacements. Hopefully with all the Christmas orders at amazon you will make some bank.

    Oh! And being stood up? Mega Douche.

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  19. Time change is a pain in my tail feathers. I have to look up how to reset the clock in my car every damn time. My mother used to just leave her car clock on daylight savings and deal with it. Woe be on anyone who took it upon herself to adjust it (or the mirrors, seats, or anything else in her car).
    The new Judy Blume book is pretty good.
    Sorry you got stood up. His loss.

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  20. I really liked this post..a new day in the life of June.
    A man with June ish hair…no not Jewish hair spell check. He might let you call him Charles.

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  21. My dad used to plague us with “you know what time it really is?” commentary whenever the clocks went back or forth. For days and days he would remind us “last week it would have been FIVE O’CLOCK right now”. So I now miss my dad extra two times per year. In addition to the everyday missing him every day.

    If you have to spend a lot of time with petses, at least you collected yourself a nice group of them!

    We are currently dog sitting for my SIL’s dog while she spends time in the psyche ward. Generally we only get the dog when she’s in jail, so this is a switch. She has one week to get her act together and then this little doggie needs to find a new home. 8 years old and the dog doesn’t know her name nor is she housebroken. Such a delight. And if you open the door, she’ll run right out and just trot down the block. What kind of dog IS THIS? None of our dogs have ever had the slightest interest in walking off – they know a good thing when they’ve got it. (Also – I’m kidding about the week. I’ll give her ten days.)

    Lovely post lovely June!

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  22. So moleskins are real! You saved me a Google. They are part of the Stephen King mystery/police procedural I am currently reading. I know you care not for the mystery genre but I am in heaven. Judy Blume? I did not know that either. This post is great for me, Coot. Great job!
    Sorry about the less than stellar weekend. I twisted my ankle and fell on my ass in my driveway Friday and mine was spent limping, elevating, icing and eating junk food. It has finally started to heal.

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    1. That Judy Blume book is sooooo good! Not like any Judy you’ve read before!

      Are you reading Bill Hodges trilogy? I loved that one – it’s classic King!

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  23. Oh my GOD a Charles in Charge theme song reference. JUNE FOR THE WIN!!!!!!!!!!

    You look lovely with SD, there, Coot.

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  24. No, Daylight savings time ended. So we’re now squandering daylight.
    Someone is squandering mine, though, because it’s stupid and dark.

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  25. Edsell!!! That photo is so April 2018 in Edsel: Twelve Months of Happiness.

    I have a laptop (still running too!) from 1999. What works is to reinstall OS every year and/or when computer gets wonky (whichever works for you).

    If you don’t wipe and reinstall, Chaos Accumulates.

    Hope this helps!

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