OooooooWEEEEEooooooo!!!

June gets murdered up.

Friday night here in Greensboro was a wet affair. It was exactly how fall nights should be: windy, occasionally rainy, the damp leaves shivering on the trees.

I was acutely aware of the night, because I was sitting silently in my house, catching up on some freelance editing. I’ve had freelance work almost every single day this year, a fact that is reflected in both my credit rating (yay) and cuticles (nay). My scores are up but my nails are shredded.

It’s not a stressful task, but you do have to give the work your total concentration, which is why I was so annoyed when I started to hear the singing.

“Wheel in the sky keeps on turnin’.'”

I looked up from my papers.

“Don’t know where I’ll be tomORRRRRoowwww.”

Well. That was a drunk person. And it sounded like he was really close by. I figured it was some kid walking by. He sounded young. He sounded like a young white kid, probably went to a football game at the high school, maybe was walking back. I can assure you I never once left a high school football game sober, back in my day. Probably left singing Wheel in the Sky, as well.

“Carry on my wayward sonnnnn. There’ll be peace when you are done.”

Goddammit.

I had just gotten back into my work when another song started up. Edsel lifted his head from his bed.

Hrrrrr,” said Edsel, his neck getting all dinosaur-y. Whenever he’s pissed off, the first hackle to rise is the neck hackle-dy area. If he’s infuriated, a whole line of fur rises up along his spine, and he looks just like a

just like a

oh, that one kind of dinosaur. With the hackles.

Anyway, that bothered me. The hrrrrrr did. Usually Eds is indifferent to noises like that, unless said person making noise has the nerve to be singing with a dog, like if Mr. Bojangles walked by or what have you.

The guy was singing way, way off key, and as I said before, drunkenly. And he wasn’t moving from his spot right outside my house. I tried the peephole on my door, which somehow renders everything outside 10 times darker than it is anyway, and a rainy fall night isn’t what you’d call full of the light as it is.

So, annoyed, I decided to whip open my door and glare out of it. That’d show him.

“Don’t know where I’ll be tomorrrrroowwwwwww.”

I could hear him, but I couldn’t see him. He was close by, like maybe across the street.

“Wheel in the sky…”

SLAM.

Was he just walking toward me? Did it sound like he was coming closer, with this bad singing and his classic rock? Was he headed OVER HERE?

“Hrrrrrrr, wowww wow!” Edsel started to bark.

And that is when I called 9-1-1.

Look, I know it was a tad hysterical. But it was so fucking creepy. He’d been out there singing for at least 10 minutes, not moving, and then when I opened the door, it sounded like he’d started walking over.

“9-1-1, hello, June. Did you try that new curly girl product I told you about last time?”

“Heh. Yeah, hey, Edna. Listen, I know this sounds insane, but…”

I told the 9-1-1 operator my tale of woe. She sounded bored and said they’d send someone out as soon as they could. And see, once? I accidentally and wish I hadn’t? Listened to this terrible 9-1-1 call, where and old lady called because someone had come to her door asking for someone who didn’t live there, and it didn’t sit right with her, it seemed odd, and you’re listening to this thing thinking, Get a life, old lady, kind of like what you’re thinking reading this.

And then? There’s a clunk in the recording?

AND ALL YOU HEAR ARE THE OLD LADY’S SCREAMS. That guy at the door came in and murdered her. For no reason. As opposed to all the valid reasons to murder an old woman.

This is what I was thinking of when the bored operator hung up. “You’re just being silly,” I told myself, trying not to observe Edsel’s hackle sitch, over there.

Hrrrrrrr,” said Edsel, jumping off the chair and running to the back door.

And that is when my back door opened.

CALL NED CALL NED CALL NED CALL NED, my innards were screeching at me. For years now, any time there’s been a major emergency, such as a cockroach on the wall, I have called Ned, who is literally four minutes away and who loved screaming over to rescue me.

I did not call Ned. Please see above references to strong black woman.

I did, however, call 9-1-1. I was already picturing my YouTube recordings, where the first time I sound fairly alarmed and the second one I am a screeching wet hen.

“SOMEONE JUST TRIED TO OPEN MY BACK DOOR!” I cackled at 9-1-1.

“Okay, ma’am, your address?”

Don’t they keep a LOG or something? The second operator had no idea I’d just called. I figured once my number came up it’d give a whole history.

JUNE LOG

Well, she was married to Marvin, and back then she called 9-1-1 when her dog had cornered a possum. But then they divorced, and…

The operator stayed on the line with me till the policeman came. I saw him wandering my yard before he knocked, shining his flashlight everywhere like at the beginning of Columbo. He was probably looking for my current cultural references.

My point is, he and I searched everywhere, and found nothing. “Did your motion sensor come on?” he wanted to know. I have no idea. I was too busy having ice needles in my anus to notice my lights.

We searched high and low, and there was no evidence anyone had been over, other than me hearing my fekking back door open. The cop clearly thought I was insane, which, come on.

He bid me a good night, and drove off into the wet fall night.

The singing had completely stopped.

82 thoughts on “June gets murdered up.

  1. What a story. I was home alone and decided to play my kid’s computer game. I hear something at the back door, then a loud bang at the back door. My dachshunds were going crazy so I sacrificed them as I opened the inside door. The screen door was already opened and I hear a faint, “Hello” scared the crap outta me. Turns out, the wind had opened the door and it was hitting the house. The “hello”? It was the frickin frackin computer game. Apparently it calls you back if you neglect it too long.

    Like

  2. When I got to the back door opening, a huge gasp escaped, I clenched and then read, “I was too busy having ice needles in my anus to notice my lights.” Laughed SO hard!!!!

    So glad you are okay!

    Like

  3. That was a nail-biter.

    Coming up later in the month I will be alone in this big house on the side of the mountain. Granted, I will have three dogs, two cats and a pig to keep me company, but I’m a fraidy-cat about being alone up there.

    Can you lend me Eds?

    Like

  4. He was probably looking for my current cultural references. Hahahaha!! So funny!
    Glad you’re all okay. Great post.

    Like

  5. Damn!
    This has turned in to a great “Week after Halloween” scary story post.

    Like

  6. I get angry when I’m scared so anyone peeping in my window or at my door late at night are verbally assaulted. I also have a bad habit of going outside to look around if I hear someone. One night it was two young boys hiding from the cops in our driveway. Their friend was passed out in the car and they were so scared of getting arrested. One boy kept saying “My dad will kill me.” I think he was driving the car. I just turned off the porch light and let them hide.

    Glad everything worked out okay for you, June. Thank goodness for brave Edsel.

    Like

  7. Maybe it WAS Ned. And if you called, the ringing would be from INSIDE YOUR HOUSE. Just like When a Stranger Calls. But I’m glad you didn’t call him to find out one way or the other.

    So glad you’re safe and sound, because what would we all read today?

    I must go Amazon shopping today on your link so you can afford a security system, or more treats for Edsel, your current security system.

    Like

  8. Our Freaky Friday has turned into a Terrifying Tuesday with all the scary stories. How frightening for you! Glad Edsel was on guard duty and you survived to tell the tale.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. All these scary stories reminded me of one time when I was a teenager – my parents and sister were away for the weekend and I had the house TO MYSELF! So like any self-respecting teenager with the house to herself on a Saturday night, i was eating popcorn and reading a good book in the living room. The phone rang and it was our Gladys Kravitz from across the street. She could see me in the kitchen when i answered the phone and she said “DON’T TURN AROUND. THERE’S A MAN LOOKING IN YOUR KITCHEN WINDOW”. Holy SHIT was I scared! She had to hang up to call the police (this was pre-911) so I stood there staring at the wall until her husband could run across the street and wait with me until the cops – OK, cop. Small town. – got there. We could see the footprints in the snow leading up to and away from the house. Never did find out who it was. Guess who turned that weekend alone into a sleepover at her best friend’s house?

    Like

  10. p.s. the same thing happened to me when I lived alone. middle of the night—hear my front door knob turning. promptly got under my bed and called 911. ended up being a drunk kid thinking he was at his friend’s house. EVERY TIME I told the story (every. time.) the response would be “Did you scream ‘GO AWAY!'” and that was the last thing I thought to do. I was frozen with fear. Never ever occurred to me to yell at the would-be murderer. That’s always haunted me.

    Like

    1. “GO AWAY YOU MURDERER!”

      “Damn, she yelled at me. Guess I’ll go murder at another house.”

      Because that’s how it works. Right there with people deciding not to plow into a car because it had a “Child on Board” placard in the back window.

      Like

  11. Atta boy Eds! Edsel do love he mama. I am so glad you handled yourself so well and that you didn’t call Ned. Not because Ned wouldn’t have come over and have been wonderfully supportive. I think he would have. But because today, you’d be PO’ed at yourself for having called him. Exciting, fast paced post, Coot! But very glad you’re safe.

    Like

  12. Oh my gosh Edna at 911! That is hilarious. I also get annoyed when they don’t keep a running history of every word I say. 911 or T-mobile. Whichever. Thank heavens for Edsel.

    Like

  13. Excuse me but: “That guy at the door came in and murdered her. For no reason. As opposed to all the valid reasons to murder an old woman.” Just needed to point that brilliance out. As you were.

    Like

  14. NO, NO, NOPE!!!
    My husband is out of town and I was in bed last night watching tv when the BEDROOM LIGHT SUDDENLY WENT OUT AND I HEARD THE FRONT DOOR LOCK TURNING. As I was cowering in bed (because hiding under the covers is exactly the way to avoid being raped and murdered) I received a text from said away-on-business-husband that said “Thought you were probably getting ready for bed so I turned off the light and locked the door for you!” He has all but turned our house into a giant robot and programmed lights and locks so we can control them from our phones. I didn’t stop to think about that when I THOUGHT I WOULD DEFINITELY BE MURDERED. Asshole.

    Like

  15. It’s not even 8:00 PST and there are already over 50 comments?!? Holy moly I’m late to the murder!

    Who even KNOWS all the words to “Wheel in the Sky”? Probably an old coot, Coot.

    Like

  16. Holy crap, Coot! I’m so glad you’re okay. That would have scared me to death.

    I had a guy creeping around in my back yard years ago and called 911. The operator asked, “Is he black or Hispanic?” I responded, “Um, okay racist….he’s a white guy with blond hair.”

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I made a non-intruder 911 call when I locked myself in my bedroom a few months ago. 911 called me back and asked if I was White, Black, or Hispanic. Then they followed up by asking what I was wearing. I was so confused until I saw the cop (2am, no car lights on) in my driveway as I was climbing out the bedroom window. Then I realized that they only wanted to know basically what the intruder looked like. When they saw that the old woman climbing in the window was the caller, they realized that they could relax. I don’t think that’s a racist question when you are trying to tell people apart in the middle of the night when an old woman is scared.

      Like

  17. Glad Drunk Invader had enough sense to get the hell out of there!

    As long as everyone else is telling their scary stories, I’ll tell mine. One morning very, very early I heard my two dogs outside barking up a storm. I sleepily went to my window so I could yell at them to be quiet, but when I threw the window up, I heard footsteps RIGHT OUTSIDE OF MY WINDOW running away on the leaves. I completely froze. For a full minute, I just stood there and could not move. Finally, I called 911 and the bored dispatcher acted like he wasn’t going to send out a unit until I told him my husband was out of town and I was alone with two small children and I was very scared. FORTY-FIVE F***ING MINUTES LATER

    Like

    1. Dammit I hit enter too soon!

      Anyway, forty-five minutes later, a deputy showed up and we walked all around my house but found nothing out of the ordinary. When my husband came home later that afternoon, he and his buddy walked around the house and found very large cat tracks right under my window going around the house. So it’s likely that my dogs were barking at a mountain lion or a puma or whatever big-ass cats live in my area and that’s what I heard running away. But I swear to goodness it sounded like a biped running on those leaves. That was ten years ago and I still hate opening a window after dark.

      Like

  18. So scary… I am glad you have Edsel the guard dog.

    Requesting permission to copy this post to give to my students…it is fantastic!

    JP stole my favorite part.

    Lovely post, lovely June!

    Like

  19. Eeeeeeeeee! That would have freaked me out – glad you kept your head long enough to call 911!

    Last week, Finn got restless and edgy around 11 pm one night and kept pacing around, periodically barking. We kept trying to stealthily peek out and see what was bothering him but never spotted anything. He finally laid down right in front of the front door, facing it, and growled very softly for about 30 minutes. It was weird.

    Like

  20. I would have freaked out. Wasn’t there somebody else not long ago that was doing the same thing? No, he was calling his dog. So scary! Did you sleep?

    Like

  21. Those songs will forever be creepy to me now. I bet his next one would’ve been something from Rush. I’m so sorry that happened. I do think Edsel would’ve sacrificed his life before letting something happen to you.

    Like

  22. I had to read that really fast to get to the end to make sure you didn’t die. I’ll go back and ready it more slowly.

    When I was a teenager I was home alone while my parents and brother were away on an overnight fishing trip. My room was in the basement. It was morning and I was already upstairs. I heard something land near the top of the steps. I looked and it was the shirt I wore the day before, it had metal ends on the hood strings that made the noise. I have no idea how it got to the top of the steps. I called the police and of course my nosy neighbor came over too. They found nothing. I still have no idea how or why that happened.

    Like

  23. Please get an alarm that’s wired up to windows and door. And a panic button that is monitored by an alarm company with dispatchers. I have a video camera that sends me images if any motion is detected.

    Like

  24. Time to get an alarm system. You can set it so if any of your doors or windows open the alarm goes off. The sound is piercing enough that anyone trying anything would be deterred. The alarm company calls you if it’s triggered and will stay on the phone with you while they call the police if needed. I feel much safer with ours since my husband goes out of town a lot.

    Like

  25. Wow, scary June. Reminds me of when I was in college and I was living at home. My parents were out for the evening and I was getting ready to head to a night class. I was looking out the front window and saw what I thought was my reflection. Except my reflection was wearing glasses and I was not. I ran to the phone and as I was calling 911, the guy was looking into the large picture window of our house straight at me. I grabbed a knife and was hysterical. When the cops got there they discovered that a man had wandered away from the bus of the local mental hospital and he was just looking for his home. “He is completely harmless” they told me. I replied that he didn’t have a sign on telling me that and he had essentially ‘followed’ me around the house looking in our windows. From now on, I keep the curtains closed when it starts to get dark.

    Like

    1. CRAP. That is scary. I’ve always been afraid to look out the windows when it’s dark. I probably would have died of a stroke right there on the spot.

      Like

  26. I know someone who not only walked into a stranger’s house while extremely drunk, they climbed in bed with the sleeping homeowners. Luckily for her, the people realized the 20-something year old girl was of no threat and they put her in their guest room and let her sleep it off.

    25 years later, we all still laugh about it.

    Like

  27. When my husband and I first moved in together, he went out with some cronies one night and didn’t come home.

    I learned the next day that the reason he didn’t come home is because his key wouldn’t work on the front door. He said he kept trying to unlock the door but it just wouldn’t work so he gave up and just slept in his truck.

    When he woke up the next morning, he realized that he wasn’t even parked on the right street and had been trying to open the door of the wrong apartment.

    Alcohol may have been a factor.

    Liked by 1 person

  28. I wouldn’t have slept after that! I’m so glad you’re okay! Edsel has earned his keep for sure! Good for you for remaining a strong black woman during that crisis.

    Your likely drunken visitor reminded me of when I worked at a courthouse. We were in a hearing for a guy trying to get a new trial. He claimed he’d gotten drunk and went into the wrong house. He said the owners mistook him for a robber and hit him over the head, knocking him unconscious. I’m gullible, so I was feeling sorry for the guy. Then it comes out that when help arrived, the guy was found wearing a ski mask and gloves. We don’t live in a cold climate, so he wasn’t just trying to keep warm. I think defense attorneys would’ve loved to have me on their juries back then. I like to think I’ve wised up a bit.

    Like

  29. My 22 year old daughter’s biggest fear is a home invasion. She will not answer the door if she is home alone. Mostly because she won’t hear anyone knocking or the dogs barking their fool heads off because if she’s home, she’s got her earbuds in. But still.

    I wonder if Drunk Steve Perry guy was scared off by Edsel’s growling.

    Like

  30. This is why I love my blue pibble, as she offers to eat anyone that has the balls to attempt entry to my house. She doesn’t care if it’s the pizza boy. She creates a commotion.

    Like

  31. Oh.My.Gosh! That was so scary just reading it – I can’t imagine living it! I won’t even answer the doorbell after dark – it’s always the missionaries anyway – but if someone was trying to OPEN THE DOOR I would be out of my entire skin.

    So glad you are OK and good dog, Edsel!

    P.S. My first thought was Steely Dan. Even the off-key singing didn’t sway me from that thought…

    Like

    1. I remember years ago when we were robbed that I was mightily disappointed when all the police did was take a report. I expected fingerprint powder and black lighting, and got none of it.

      Like

  32. OoooEEEEoooo! Glad you’re okay, but wonder why the police found no sign of the intruder. Seems there would be footprints or something. You sure it wasn’t Steely singing out there? We all know he can open doors. Good boy, Edsel!

    Like

  33. I’m scared now, Coot. You did the right thing. Did you happened to mention on 911 that you were threatened by Anifra in the past few days?

    You a strong black womanizer from the south- just like Oprah!!

    Like

  34. First of all, I am glad you’re okay. Second of all, are you SURE Steely Dan has not learned to sing? Because I can totally see him doing that.

    Like

  35. Breaking news at 8 (time change).
    Curly girl haired woman finds body in neighbors yard. Medium dog attached to jeans by under bite. He was dressed in jeans.carrying a JOURNEY CD under his arm. A beer bottle was found thrust down his throat, it seems he fell on it while singing and dancing across the yard and died instantly.
    Seriously, sorry you went through the situation.
    No cardio for you though, the next day.

    Like

  36. Exciting post Coot. Where was the Steely beast? He would have handled that intruder while Edz held him at bay.

    Uears ago I had a guy try to come through my door. I picked up my 357 and shot at him through the door. When the police got there they found a bloody trail going out to the street. They never found him

    Like

    1. I should add that my husband at the time was a cop. When I called the station and told them what happened my house was crawling with police in about 0.5 seconds. They dispatched to the ER to see if anyone came in with a gun shot. No one. They know I hit him because of the blood but they have no idea how badly he was injured. Oh and my landlord was PISSED that I blew a hole in the door. My landlord was my grandfather.

      Liked by 1 person

  37. “I have no idea. I was too busy having ice needles in my anus to notice my lights.” I read this and almost snorted smoothie out of my nose. That would be an awful start to my day!

    I’m glad you aren’t murdered though.

    Like

  38. So glad you have Edsel! This happened to my friend, she came home late from the movies and when she walked in her front door, she heard her BACK door slam shut and someone running away.

    There is no way I could have slept alone in the house after that! You’re brave!

    Like

  39. scary!!! When I was a child, my parents went to a party leaving me and my siblings with teenage babysitters. Upon arriving home, my parents discovered two police cars and police searching around our house with flashlights. We lived way out of town on a hill in the woods. The babysitters had heard what sounded like someone coming in our back screen door, and called the police. They found one babysitter sitting inside with an antique flintlock rifle in her lap. My parents had this 17th century rifle on our hearth. (just in case we ever needed it). It was eventually determined that it was our English Setter who had been standing at the back door wagging her tail and it was hitting the screen door.
    I slept through all the excitement.
    But one night, in that same house in the woods, I totally freaked out and ran through the house screaming for my father, because I saw a face at my window. Turned out it was an owl sitting on the sill looking in!
    Be careful out there!

    Liked by 1 person

  40. I seriously got scared just reading this. Thank goodness for Edsel because, though he can be less than friendly to puppies, that is just the side of his personality you want when some stranger opens your door!! I’ve heard about people (one person I know IRL as they say) who had a drunk person wander into their house believing it was their own. Hopefully it was a confused drunk and not an ill-intentioned one. Wouldn’t want him in my house either way obviously. I would have probably called Ned. And 911. Possibly the National Guard. Way to keep your head in a crisis!

    Like

  41. Cripes, I have ice in my anus just reading this. Edsel is a good boy! Good watch dog!

    I’m thinking somewhere in that youtube recording of your call, you stop screaming and the intruder starts screaming and he is eviscerated by Steely Dan, there to save the f-ing day.

    Like

Comments are closed.