Rearing to go

I know you were waiting all night for Installment Two of June Goes to Medical Appointments, and I understand your excitement and anticipation. But something bigger happened yesterday.

Bigger, June? Bigger than an eye exam?

Not that my eye exam wasn’t without incident. I pissed off the front desk by not remembering I had a separate card for eye insurance. Look, I go there once a year, and they mail me this flimsy card from somewhere or another, and who can remember? I found it eventually, didn’t I? Okay, after you already ran my debit card. Still.

I got to work and didn’t take lunch, did my copy editing and so forth, and now I’ve turned into that bad-storytelling woman from yesterday’s example. “He went to college, all that good stuff.”

The point is, Edsel was at daycare all day, hoping for a Dexter sighting. Dexter is his new Beagle friend. We’d missed Dexter by ONE DAY.

Dear Advice-Givers: I HAVE left my number with Dexter’s people and I HAVE asked the daycare to alert me should Dexter be there, with the caveat that I know how FREAKING BUSY that place always is, and that I’d understand if they clean forget, because it is always Grand Dog Central in there.

That made no sense.

Anyway, since I hadn’t taken lunch, I left work at maybe 5:20-ish, which is early for me, and wow, was traffic suck-ass. I also had to take the busy headed-to-downtown road because I had to get the Eds.

I was just around the corner from work, at a complete stop thanks to traffic, when

BOOM

It took me a moment to even register what had happened. I’d heard a big sound, then a second later, see boom above. A car rear-ended the car behind me, who in turn rear-ended me.

“Oh my god!” I said, then, “Ow.” I’d hit my head on the back of the seat rest, hard.

“Geez.” I rubbed my head and got out of the car. The person who hit me was a coworker. “You okay?” I asked.

“Hit my head,” he said.

I got my phone and dialed 9-1-1. As I was speaking to Edna at 9-1-1, the woman who’d hit my coworker got out of her car. “I looked down for just a second,” she was saying, “and then you’d slammed on your brakes.” As if it was my coworker’s fault for braking in bad traffic.

“Do you need an ambulance?” asked Edna the 9-1-1 operator, after she’d asked me how my day was at work and did I need to get Edsel from daycare. I said yes, because my coworker and I had both hit our heads, and I kept thinking of Natasha Richardson.

It was cold and rainy out, so I waited in my car for all the men and women of LAW enforcement (only funny if Marvin forced you to watch every episode of Cops).

Just then, I had an IM on Facebook, my favorite thing. My coworker Ryan had been driving by and had texted me. “I drove by the accident. You okay?” he’d asked, clearly having something more important to do than stop and make sure I was ALIVE, RYAN.

Anyway, I opened the IM, in case it was another coworker or something.

It was a name I didn’t recognize, and it was a long, long message. As I scrolled up to get to the top, I realized it was That Woman. That Woman who’d contacted me at the beginning of October. That Woman who …knew Ned.

She’d gone on Facebook with another account, as I’d blocked her original account, and messaged me THE DETAILS of what she and Ned did while we were together.

The details.

While I was waiting for an ambulance.

She literally added insult to injury.

And you know, I have exciting photos of me at the eye doctor, Eds at day care, and even an exiting action shot of the ambulance, which mercifully came right then (“Say, you got any emergency services for a shattered heart?”), and my stupid computer, which has been acting up for some time, won’t let me put them on here to show you.

Anyway, the ambulance people and the (cute!) firemen made me do a bunch of “does she have a concussion” moves, and also the Cabbage Patch because why not, and they said I could go to the hospital if I WANTED to, and who doesn’t? Both my coworker and I ended up not going, and we’re probably both dead now and this is purgatory.

So, an hour later, I headed to daycare to get Edsel. My car doesn’t LOOK damaged, other than the license plate, but Ima get it checked out for anything horrific that might have happened to its insides. “You made it!” said the daycare woman, who I called to warn that Edsel might be having an impromptu sleepover.

Eds was glad to see me, on a shocking note, and he was even gladder when I did the insane thing.

Because what I did next was, I took my totaled car and my exposed brain from my horrific accident, and I drove all the way down to Ned’s gym. He is nothing if not predictable. I called him as I was nearing the place.

“Where are you?”

“I’m just leaving the gym.”

“Yeah, I know you are. I’m headed there.”

“You’re…what?”

“That Woman messaged me.”

So, in the rain, the cold November rain, I drove to that parking lot, and with my medulla flying just everywhere from being exposed, I gave Ned a piece of my mind.

Literally.

Because it was exposed and all.

“I’m so sorry,” said Ned. “I am 100% responsible for all this,” said Ned. “What can I do?” asked Ned.

“You can just leave me alone,” I replied, and I realize I said, “Leave me alone” to someone who was, in fact, leaving me alone, but there it is. And I may have wept a bit, and mentioned how crazy about him I used to be, and how this was like that last scene in Mother, which I don’t recommend you go see, where Javier Bardem rips the heart out of Jennifer What’s-Her-Name. I may have dramatically mentioned all that, while gray matter plunked onto the parking lot along with the rain.

But the best part of this story is, the whole time I was handing over a piece of my mind? Edsel was

SO

DELIGHTED

to see Uncle Ned.

oh unk ned! oh edzul god it unk ned!! unk ned da bomb! unk ned hello! hello! edz not care how you hurt mom. hullo UNK NED!

And Ned was all, “Yes, hi, Edsel,” while I was over there ranting and railing and speaking in tongues due to my severe head injury.

After about five minutes, I was pretty calm, actually, and got in the car and drove home, finally without incident. Eds was in the back asking me to play the country station so he could find a song that encapsulated what it meant for him to see Unk Ned.

So there it is. I came home and initially announced on Facebook that I had been in a severe accident wherein my car had upturned and caught fire and so on, but after I got 10 IMs in 10 seconds, I realized really that last thing I wanted to do was field questions all night, and what I really wanted to do was hide under the nice afghan Faithful Reader Kris made me, and watch Friends. There is little less taxing to one’s soul than an episode of Friends. They’re all so pretty, and the decor is so ’90s.

But speaking of Facebook, could you all all do me a favor? A flavor, as my friend Tammy always called it?

Sometimes, particularly on Facebook of June, I will post something and it goes awry and I take it down. Some days I post something and it gets too “give June advice”-y. Some days it becomes too, “In fact, I DO have a degree in psychology, so let me analyze people in your life, or even better, slap a label on him or her.” Sometimes it just feels too personal after I’ve posted, and I get squicked out and take it down.

But no matter what, if I post something and take it down, I’ve done so because I felt uncomfortable about said post, so here’s where the favor comes in.

When I’ve posted something and taken it down, could we not go BACK to Facebook of June and ask, “Where is that post?” and make it all dramatic with the shocked-face emoji and the “Someone IM me what happened” and all that? I already feel uncomfortable, and to have it brought back to the page makes me feel bad all over again. Go ahead, gossip about me off that page all you want, I don’t care. But could you not gossip about me in front of me?

Alternatively, you could IM me all the details of how you …know Ned. That’d be much better.

Accidentally,

June and her severed head

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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

81 thoughts on “Rearing to go”

  1. So glad your heads ok. Couldn’t cope without you June. I know you were the floating head in my family photo but I’m so glad your head is still firmly attached.

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    1. So glad you’re ok!!! Hopefully you don’t have too much damage to your car!

      Ugggg! Ned! Hopefully this helps you to have some closure with him. I know that when my ex got busted for sexual harassment it helped me realize I had what I needed to move on.

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  2. I was never, not even once, intimate with Ned. Not even first base. It helps that we’ve never been in the same state, but I like to think that’s not the only reason.
    I’m sorry you had such a traumatic evening. I’m not teasing; it really sounds awful and overwhelming. I hope you get some peace today. You probably ache all over, which is a lovely cherry on top of that particular sundae.

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  3. Oh dear, what an evening, I hope today is a big improvement. What kind of rabbit stewing bitch is that Other Woman, Need.Kitty better watch her bony butt is all I’m sayin’.

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  4. OK – first – I’m glad you’re OK (for the most part) and I hope your car is too!

    Second – OMG!!!!
    I can’t believe someone went to the trouble of logging in as another person to contact your after you’d blocked her to give details like that. I’m not on the Facebook – so I don’t even know the original story, but OH MY. What kind of psycho??!! I’m so sorry that happened to you.

    Cheers to you to handling it all brave and stand up for yourself-like. I probably would have just cried alone and had a pity party for myself. PA-thetic.

    Now, I’m going to buy myself something on Amazon through your link. Because I’m a giver.

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  5. GOOD FOR YOU. Not the accident, obv., but the laying out of Ned, in the cold November rain, in public. I AM SO PROUD OF YOU.

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  6. Even in your literal and emotional pain you are howlingly funny: “Anyway, the ambulance people and the (cute!) firemen made me do a bunch of “does she have a concussion” moves, and also the Cabbage Patch because why not,”

    I think that fender bender knocked some clarity into your head and combine with that needy beyotch he messed with, you finally, FINALLY, got to say what you’ve needed to say to him for a good long time.

    Also, I am so sorry.

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  7. That was a lot to take in with a head injury. A lot to write, too, which is just a testament to your talent because I have had a head injury and then wrote something all y’all would know it.

    I’m sorry Woman was so cruel and that Ned is a butthole. I used to like that guy. I’m sorry about your heart. You are a tough nugget.

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  8. This post had a little bit of everything. Drama, sadness, action and hilarity. I sort of lost it when your medulla went flying. I’m glad you gave him a piece of your mind.

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  9. Holy crap, you had a day. “Lovely post” seems wrong on many levels so I’m going to stick with you’re pretty and hope today is better.

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  10. WOW. I don’t think there is much more to say except how you can still be so funny when all that crap (and brain matter) is flying about. But thankfully you are.
    That was totally Mary Tyler Moore of you!

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  11. Honestly, angry with Ned on your behalf, but SO PISSED at other woman. What a raging witch. You pretty much made it clear that you weren’t interested in her story and blocked her, so for her to create an account just to cause you pain makes me furious. I wish you were the kind of person to tell us all who she is, so we could unleash the ugly on her right back. I know it wouldn’t help, but that was so gross. She gives women a bad name. Bad enough to fool around with someone you KNOW is in a relationship but to then message the gf (even ex) the details is a kind of low that deserves an avalanche of bad Karma. (Also, sorry about the accident, glad you’re ok).

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  12. What a day! Girl, you got the poww-ah! Good for you for giving Ned the business. It was a long time coming. Thank goodness he had the decency to own up to it and apologize instead of deny it all right there to your banged up self.
    She literally added insult to injury! That’s the BEST, June!
    I hope you aren’t feeling achy today and that your brain and your car are all in tip top shape.

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  13. What a horrible, horrible evening you had and yet, your post still made me laugh. I hope today is a better day for you. Thank you for sharing your life with us. Yours is the only blog not blog I look forward to reading every day.

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  14. Wowzers. I haven’t had that much excitement in a year, let alone one day. I’m glad you’re OK. Please don’t die three days later like, oh, what was his name? That old actor. Hang on… ugh. Can’t find it. Anyone remember? He had a minor car accident and then died several days later. Oh dang. Or how about that OxyClean guy – died from hitting his head in a hard landing on a plane! This isn’t really helping, is it?

    Please live. That is all.

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  15. I am happy you and your car survived and were mostly uninjured.

    Now. What a effing bitch. What is her deal? How effed up is she, that she would go out of her way to contact you AGAIN?
    You do realize is all you would have to do is casually mention her name (the real one and/or the fake one) and June’s gang (our colors are pink) would destroy her. Which I know isn’t what you want but good grief she is an awful human. I’m sorry you had to deal with her. AGAIN.

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  16. gurl. such stupidity in one day. i think you’re off the score charts for life stress. you know, those tests that give you points for every traumatic life event.

    big sigh. take care of yourself. you deserve it.

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  17. And ask me how bad I loved you for the “She literally added insult to injury” line. LOVED YOU SO BAD FOR THAT.

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  18. GEEZ, what an evening! I hope your head, neck and spine are OK today. Soft tissue injuries can take some time to show up says the woman who has been rear ended multiple times. Stupid cop said my car had no “visible” damage the last time Guess what? It did have damage. I demanded a report be taken. This middle aged bitch knows her rights. Lazy shit of a cop.
    That woman is out of her mind obsessed. Ned messed with the wrong psycho. He needs to try and fix that, if it is possible. I am so sorry that all hit you at once. How awful for you.

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  19. What the actual fuck?!? After wiping tears and gray matter out of my eyes (I’m picturing the alleged incident with the container of biscuits), I can only wonder what the hell is wrong with that Woman. Good gravy! (which would go well on the biscuits) Hope today is a better and you find your lobster soon. If Eds isn’t your lobster already.

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  20. You are a strong black woman and you handled your shit yesterday like a boss.
    That floozy is a bad person. And Ned might consider watching his back with that one.

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  21. Dude. I think you must be exhausted just from typing that story–much less living it! I wish I could come take the work part of your brain and put it in my head so I could substitute for you at work. That way you could take the day off, but not fall behind. Because the fear of falling behind makes taking off work too damn stressful!

    I don’t know what that woman’s motivation is, but that is just awful. My grandmother used to say “not everyone has some deep problem. Some people are just plain damn mean.” This chick is plain damn mean. Im so sorry.

    I also hope that if you got a new prescription at the eye doctor that you will find the most darling pair of glasses you’ve ever seen and they will be 50% off!

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  22. I’m very glad you and your car are not more damaged. That Woman did enough without you trying to use your Mohammad Ali hair dryer around forehead stitches or a big white mummy bandage.

    The line about asking Edsel to find a country song slayed me. You are a riot, even under duress, as we know.

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  23. What in the ever-lovin’ hell is WRONG with that woman? I mean, why??? Is her motive to hurt you? Or is she trying to bond with you in a let’s-have-an-exgirlfriend-club kind of way? I just don’t get it.

    So sorry about your fender bender. You should probably take a mental health day today. Tell your boss I said it was okay.

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  24. I’m glad you’re okay, June; also too, glad the Eds wasn’t with you when you had the accident. And good lord with that WOMAN. She has mucho problemos in her brain cavity.

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  25. You know how your hater signs you up for all sorts of godawful things? Hmmmmm … As much as you had the phrase, I’M JUST SAYING… Sounds like plenty of people would be happy to assist Karma.

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  26. So glad your noggin is OK. I also thought of NR when you mentioned the hitting hard part.
    Also glad the firemen were indeed cute.
    There are no adequate words to describe that
    woman.
    Good for you, giving a piece of your grey matter to Ned. I did the same years ago, when something had to be said Right. Effing. Now.
    It hurt but also felt great to get it all out.

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  27. Oh, Coot. What a day and night you had. Fuck that crazy, mean, awful woman.

    I hope you have a really, really boring day today.

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  28. June I am so sorry you had to go through all of that! That woman had an opportunity to take the high road. She had informed you of what you needed to know in order to move on. I don’t know if she nice about it the first time or not, but I feel you did need to know. But then she had to show her ass, and be a mean drama queen. I hope she accidentally pours sour milk in her coffee…and takes a big swig of it…during an important business meeting…and then gags on it and barfs all over herself…and maybe even on her boss’s shoes. And I hope at that moment, she knows it’s karma that just paid her a visit!
    I’m sorry for your hurt head and your hurt car, but mostly for your hurt heart. We stand with you, June. In your doorway, that is.

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  29. So sorry that mini got hit last night and you had the head injury. If you lived in Alabama there would be thousands of personal injury lawyers foaming at the mouth to assist you! I hope you don’t feel all achy today or this weekend. Sorry about the nutjob sending you messages too. Sounds like she isn’t even attempting to move on and wants to wallow in her muck and dirt and try to take you with her. Hope the rest of the week is better Coot.

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  30. OK. Screw that woman. Did you tell her to eff off or just ignore her? And I’m glad you gave Ned what for.

    And yeah, whenever someone says “not advice, but..” and proceeds to give advice I cringe and get a little angry on your behalf.

    Sometimes I wonder if people forget you are a real person and have real feelings.

    So sorry for your craptastic day, Joot.

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  31. Even with your brains hanging out of your burned out pit of a car, you are incredibly funny. Even describing what I am sure was a gutwrenching telling-off of Ned, you are hilarious. A country song to encapsulate his love for Ned? I died. I love your blog, June! Never change.

    On a serious note, I hope you aren’t in too much pain from the accident. I got a mild concussion in a car accident last January it took a long time for my brain to recover. Get lots of rest. (hashtag heart emoji)

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  32. I do feel like I should say that TO BE FAIR, Tallulah did leave that woman a rather choice message last week, because June had blocked her but Tallulah had not. Tallulah THEN blocked said woman, leaving her no way to respond.

    Still. Making a whole new account? Just to be mean when you know you’ve hurt me already? For the second time, cause let’s not forget the Ned-secretly-wrote-to-her-when-he-was-headed-to-her-town incident of 2015, when we lived together. So.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lu is very defensive, even from beyond. I truly don’t understand a person who can be bothered to go to that much effort to cyber-slap. I don’t wish ill on the woman, but, keys down the drain, last page of a book missing level of karma. Ned still deserves a solid yellow snotty dog skull to the nuts though.

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  33. I’m so glad you are okay. I suspect you are sore today after the BOOM. Sudden stops are always trauma to our body. I hope today is a much better day.

    In the midst of all this trauma you are still hilarious. It doesn’t take a degree to know that woman is over the top crazy. I think the ribbon color needs to be red, for rage.

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  34. You have had just a little too much life lately. I hope you have something wonderfully fun planned for the weekend.

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  35. What a ridiculous day/evening! I think the only thing missing from that turn of events was some flying taquitos. I definitely think you deserve to treat yo’ self today—-Ulta, a trinket from Kit’s store, a manicure and/or pedicure, a new book. You (and all that time you’ve put into your daily freelance work) are most definitely worth it!

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  36. Everybody has already said what I’m feeling and thinking. I’m seconding Ashley up there and telling you my heart hurts for you and I have stinging tears behind my eyes on your behalf. I know we’re not friends but what hurts you still hurts me.

    I hope someone does a wonderful loving gentle thing for you today.

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  37. What. A. Bitch.

    I can relate. My ex cheated on me with some skank whore. I dumped him. Not long after, they split up and she contacted me via every single social media outlet available to try to talk to me about their relationship and subsequent breakup. She wanted to be friends? Or something? Yeah, no. Not so much. I had to block her EVERYWHERE.

    The delightful end to the story is that he came crawling back about a few weeks ago, cried, begged, pleaded, apologized over and over again, and I actually gave the tool another chance.

    Last night I went to his house to find out why he wasn’t answering his phone. She was in his lap.

    Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice… yeah, you’re still a piece of shit.

    Sorry that’s happening to you. She needs to phone a friend and leave you the hell alone. I am also Team June and will go straight gangster on her if you just give us the green light.

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    1. Even though Fawn wrote skank “whore” I totally read that as skank “ho” and then she offers to go straight gangster so I think my interpretation was correct.

      And I vote yes, let Fawn go GANGSTA

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  38. hey at least your migraines are cured. no more medulla ! I had visions of JackieO trying to retrieve his brain from the back of the car. sorry but that is what it is like living with my medulla.
    really am glad you are ok though

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  39. seems the woman wants to do everything she can to be sure you don’t take ned back. she must be some kind of pissed at him, but how awful of her. as another depressed person, I understand how hard it can be but keep hanging in there.

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  40. What a shitty day, Coot.
    I hope you and your brains are feeling better today.
    Also, I hope that loser of a woman who contacted you on Facebook is reading these comments so I can tell her what a dirty, skanky, classless whore she is. Yeah, you…we all know you’re reading.

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  41. Only you would go to such incredible lengths to summon the cute firemen! I’m impressed that you can still make us laugh through all of that. I used to like Ned, but now I think he and That Woman probably deserve each other. Lowlife to the max.

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  42. I will admit I didn’t read the comments today. I wanted to say, I’m happy your health seems to be okay after your fender bender. Rock on, June.

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  43. I also meant to add that several times over on the ole Face of June there someone will say something like “can you believe what happened to June” or whatever and I’ll be like “hello? She’s standing RIGHT THERE”. It must be a weird realization that some people see you as a character in your own life.

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  44. Wow. Hope you’re feeling OK after the accident. As far as that woman…good grief. That’s material for the Twilight Zone tv show.

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  45. Wowza! What a day and what a night. That Woman reminds me of Fatal Attraction and I never even saw the movie. Hope you and your car have no repercussions from your BOOMing day.

    You, my dear, in your Mary-Tyler-Moore life know how to take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile. That is, if by worthwhile, Mary meant frightening, dramatic, and stressful. May tomorrow be a kind, healing day instead.

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  46. Women like that are pure trash, plain and simple. On the upside, it seems like Ned can get pretty fucking nasty when he wants to when he’s mad so hopefully he ripped her to shreds and made her cry.

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  47. Hopefully Ned rips his own self to shreds and makes himself cry and chooses never to be a douchebag again to another person ever. Not holding my breath though.

    God golly, Joob, what a helluva day! I hope today is going better cause you’re so pretty.

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  48. Well, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned but she is aiming her fury at the wrong person. I don’t know why she can’t see that you’re the innocent party in this whole mess and just leave you alone. I’m so sorry she’s so obsessed that she contacted you again. You did not deserve that. I am glad that you went off on Ned, I’m sure it felt very good to unload some of the pain he caused you. I hope you’re feeling better today!!

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  49. OK. I am so sorry you got into an accident and hurt your head. I was rear-ended like that many years back and has sever whiplash (I always thought it was not a real thing until I got it). I hope your neck and everything is okay. God.

    Then, WHAT A D-BAG that woman is. Why on EARTH she would do that to you is beyond me. What a cretin.

    I surely hope Ned feels terrible. GOD.

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  50. Oy. All I’m gonna say is this: Sending love and peace and hope and healing right through the screen.

    I hope you are not badly hurt…inside or outside.

    xo

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  51. So glad to hear that you are ok. Now I’m wondering if yours was the accident I drove by yesterday. That Woman sounds truly awful – what purpose, other than to hurt you, did that serve? Karma will get her…eventually.

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  52. Wow. That was a lot for you. Glad you are relatively ok.
    And yes, we can do you that favor, but just know we worry.

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  53. Glad you are ok-ish and not seriously hurt, what a crappy day.

    Gurl, screenshot all that s**t and take it to the police and report her to FB for stalking/harassment. See how funny she thinks that is.

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  54. Unbelievable!!! My heart hurts for you, and I’m so very proud that you let Ned have a piece of your mind!
    I admire your sense of humor in all of this, if I was in your shoes, I would have just ranted and cussed!!

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  55. You must have felt really fragile already after getting rear ended. To have been attacked again like that by that woman! Really really unfair. I’m glad you could watch Friends. I get you with that. It is one of my escape shows too.

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