Computer’s Last Stand

Everything’s broken. My bathroom fan needs to be fixed, according to my ridiculous handyman Alf, because the bathroom CEILING will fall in if I don’t. Oh, is that all?

He also had to come fix all of the 206 windows back here, as they would not stay open or lock. That’s safe.IMG_1640.jpg

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The 206 windows back here. Or, four. Alf coming to fix those cost me a cool $35.

Plus also, my dishwasher needs replacing, and this computer is clearly on its last…stand. It’s Computer’s Last Stand. I spent three or four ENTIRE days a few months ago with AppleCare, wherein we made my computer unusable while trying to install or uninstall or SOMETHING in order to make this thing not slow as the dickens, and we all know how slow the dickens are.

When these things happen, I try to think of my favorite person, Anne Lamott, and what she says about these things…

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So while something big and lovely is trying to be born, I’m over here dealing with a pain in my ass. Several pains in my ass.

Last night, I turned off this computer completely, by being needy and texting it a lot. No.

I turned it off, removed the plug, which GOOD writers might call “unplugging it,” waited a bit, plugged it back in and turned it on to see if maybe my iPhotos would finally work.

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There’s an Anne Lamott for everything. And any smart thought can be made basic and Pinterest-y if you get the right picture behind it.

Also? My favorite.

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Anyway. This morning when I got to my computer, all the attempts I made yesterday to drag photos onto my desktop?

Worked.

And now I have 400,034 pictures there, and we’re gonna look at ALL OF THEM YAY!

Oh, June. Must we?

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I tried these glasses on at the eye doctor the other day. Please ignore that I have no eye makeup on; I knew he was gonna do all that crap they do that makes your eyes water, so. My fear is wearing colored glasses that seem “whimsical” and I become one of those middle-aged women you feel sorry for, with leopard frames (I WOULD LOVE LEOPARD FRAMES) and tiaras and–oh my god I’m already that woman. I’m wearing a fucking pom-pom necklace up there, and I’m all, I don’t want to seem undignified in my old age.

And SPEAKING of which, I was at the grocery store last night buying dog food, some of that Rachel Ray’s Just Sex that I get for Edsel,

Oh, might that be a link to Amazon, that photo of Just Sex dog food? Might it? Might you want to click over there and buy you some Amazon? Because June needs a new dishwasher and computer.

Anyway, the checkout girl complimented my coat, which is a pink trench given to me by the fine folks at Stitch Fix, and I thought SHE thought I was mighty hot in it, till she said, “Do you need the senior discount today?”

How fast do you think I asked Siri, “What’s the age limit for Harris Teeter’s senior discount?” Was it before I got to my car? Was it?

SIXTY. Bitch thought I was SIXTY. I was so cute in m’pink trench. Cute like Clara Peller, apparently.

IMG_1621 2.jpgHere’s my ambulance from my very serious car accident the other night. Now with mail! Maybe the mail truck came in case I had POSTtraumatic stress.

BAHAHAHAHAHA.

I’m hilarious at 60. Sixty is the new 52.

IMG_1636.PNGOver there on the left is lone wolf Edsel, waiting for Dexter. This is a screen shot I took while he was at daycare the other day. He acts exactly the same way I did at daycare.

IMG_1553.jpgI’ve no idea when I took this, probably 1957 when I was born, but I look annoyed. Oh, I think that was before my last date. The one where I got stood up. And I hadn’t even been stood up yet! Maybe this expression is why I never saw him.

You’ll be glad to hear that’s all for the photos I attempted to drag over and finally did, two days later. There’s a video, of Edsel and me doing our “find the treat” game, but it might be a pipe dream to hope that this exhausted old computer can actually show you that.

Crap.

Tomorrow, by the way, is the two-year anniversary of when I moved back in here. If you’d have told me two years ago that I’d STILL be in the last gasps of this Ned debacle, I’d have been shocked. And horrified. And kind of not that surprised. Now, if you tell me that two years from NOW I’ll still be in it, Ima have to come over there and slap you.

Oh, good. The Edsel veeeeedeo did not load, but this three-second one of how I thought the light was pretty did.

I’m glad to be back here at my house, even though any time I ever went back to the house I shared with Ned I’d get sad and think, “I WANT TO BE BACK AT THIS HOUSE.” Maybe I just want to live in any house I’m in, which would make me a terrible Jehovah’s Witness.

CAN I MOVE IN? Have a pamphlet. CAN I MOVE IN?

Do you like how, in the video above, you can see 47 copies of my whimsical-glasses selfie? Thanks, computer.

I’d better get ready for work, with my senior discount and my whimsy. I got a full weekend of freelance copy editing ahead of me, but also Ima see my friend Alex at her craft shindig, and also Marty Martin even though he has no crafts, and plus too also I have a hair appointment and not to mention therapy. My weekend is full!

“What’d you do this weekend?”

“Therapy.”

“Oooo! Sounds fun!”

Talk at you.

Juan

P.S. By the way, they painted Peg’s house. Alf my ridiculous handyman was very thrown by it. “Didn’t the house next door used to be yella?” he texted. He always has to text stupid words, to annoy me. Anyway this was just the primer coat but trust me, it’s gray now.

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Her house used to match my dogs. Now it matches my cats.

Really going now,

Juan

43 thoughts on “Computer’s Last Stand

  1. Ahhhh… you are so so pretty! And those glasses are lovely!

    Peg’s house… are new people living there now? It’s a nice gray.

    Happy Friday y’all.

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  2. I love Anne Lamott! She is also one of my go-tos when life gets shitty. I am excited that a big wonderful thing is in the works for you…because Anne said it was. Why is it that big things all happen at once? It is irritating. My computer is pretty old too…2011, SIX years. (HOW is that old?) It acts like it has arthritis and a walker when I am trying to go places around here. I actually talk to it a lot of the time, “Come on, you can do it!” Either that or I click on something, go do something else and come back. That is a way to prevent elder abuse.

    Edsel looks lonely. Poor boy.

    Lovely post, lovely June!

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  3. I want an Alf because my husband is not handy with household issues at all. All the Alf types around here are $$$$$.

    I quit buying plain old brown or black glasses – I feel I’m entitled to a little whimsy and so are you.

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  4. Why are you WORKING?!? It’s Veteran’s Day and you are a veteran of so many PTSD-causing things you should have a parade in YOUR honor. You’re also too pretty to work! But I don’t like those glasses — too dark. Leopard print would be much better. Or lavender. However the heck you spell that. And with all the trauma you’ve been enduring, that’s going to be something HUGELY wonderful.

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  5. Love the glasses! Could be cause I’m old and my glasses are blue. I get compliments on them, maybe people are just bring nice to a little old lady.
    Wonderful post! Posttraumatic got me in the hearty laugh zone!

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  6. I wanted rainbow tortiseshell catseye eyeglass frames I saw at the eye doctors. (Say eye again TM Joon). The frame alone is three hundred bucks. Not happening. They had a lot of red in them, they probably screamed red hat eccentric old gal. I am not the quiet neutrals type. My cataract eye has 20/20 vision now but is adjusted for distance. Having readers stashed everywhere annoys me. I am buying glasses, but my other eye still has a cataract, not ready to be adjusted. Hoping not to spend too much. I DID like that green!

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    1. Koala, this is what I do: I go to the fancy, expensive Eye Optics store and find a pair or two of eyeglasses I like. Then I go home and get on the computer and find them waaaay cheaper than what the store charges.

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  7. I like the green glasses, Joon. I usually buy the whimsical ones, too. They go with the dressing-too-young-for-my-age vibe. I also thought the Eds looked sad at daycare. Hope he finds another friend there.

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    1. Everyone always says that, but you tell him “dog daycare” and he gets so excited he can’t stand it. And when we round the corner to there, he loses his mind. He loves it; he just doesn’t socialize there. Or at least he doesn’t do what we as humans consider socializing.

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      1. Maybe Edsel is an extrovert like I am – I love to be out and around people, but talking to them is so stressful. Just let me sit in my corner and watch, I’m happy as a pig in doodoo.
        Lovely post, Juan.

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  8. “…I thought SHE thought I was mighty hot in it, till she said, “Do you need the senior discount today?” Snort. I understand, however, it annoys me to no end when I have to provide I.D. when I why that cheap Winking Owl wine at Aldi. There is no doubt I’m not underage. “…which would make me a terrible Jehovah’s Witness.” I am dead! You find the best looking glasses. See what I did? It seems like everything we own is breaking, maybe because it is all old stuff.

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  9. Dearest Juan,
    Is there any coffee left? I need another cup.

    I hope you got the damn senior discount because the bitch owned it to you.

    Edsel looks rather buff in that photo. Has he been doing CrossFit?

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  10. I enjoyed reading this very funny post while luxuriating in my bed with my dog curled up next to me. Many thanks to the Vets.
    Too bad your office is open.

    That Anne Lamott quote came to mind as soon as I saw your title. She’s the best. You rank right up there with here, June. You have the same gift.

    Hashtag bird by bird.

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  11. I need another cup of coffee, too. I could have sworn I posted a comment earlier, but don’t see it now. Either it’s Freaky Friday or I’m hallucinating. Or both.

    I like the new gray and black colors on Pegs house. Apparently, gray is the new yellow.

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  12. If Edsel was not happy at DayCare he would be watching the door and anxiously waiting for your return. I think he is having a “gay old time” (as in the Flintstones theme song in keeping with the old-ness themes going on in this post) watching the other dogs.

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  13. Eds is my twin! (not with the cat poop eating. The wallflower aloofness.)

    Things keep falling apart here too, June. I think it must be a seasonal thing…or maybe a time-change thing. Wayne is a Bob the Builder man so he can fix most of the broken house stuff.

    I love your green sweater. You look great in that color.

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  14. 60?!? Meh, the clerk was probably a 20-year-old. Everybody older than her looks 60. What does she know?

    That was nice of Peg’s family to change the house color, but still coordinate with your animals. I hope you get some fun neighbors, as opposed to the gaybors.

    I think that when you become a woman “of a certain age”, you should just be allowed to wear leopard-print glasses if you want. I have become much more flamboyant since hitting 50. I just don’t care what other people think and I’ll wear what I want!

    Edz is kind of like me; content to sit to the side and watch the hot mess going on.

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    1. I say gimme the dang discount – I don’t care HOW old they think I am!

      I’ve always found it curious that we give discounts to seniors – shouldn’t they be the ones with all the money? I really needed those discounts when we were newly married with a house full of babies!

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  15. So you’re meeting the new guy in February, which is just about the right timing for someone to move into Peg’s house. Wouldn’t that be a lovely situation, having Mr. Wonderful living right next door, even after you’re married? You could share a double back yard, but each retreat to your personal abodes when you so desired. If some family with obnoxious kids shows up, maybe you should tell them, “I’m sorry, this place isn’t meant for you.” If Mr. Wonderful has kids part time, I’m sure they’re not obnoxious and I’m sure they’ll love animals.

    June becomes a mom. Ahhhhh, sorry, my brain just needs a little flight of fancy.

    I envy you having a house of your own, even if fixing it up costs a bit here and there. I used to own a house, and loved that feeling of security and belonging. The combination of divorce and bills and living in southern California put a stop to that, though. Am now try to find an affordable replacement for the dinky little guest house I live in, since the property is being sold. Big challenge. You wouldn’t believe how the rents have gone up out here just since you left. Crazy.

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  16. Sometimes, like this time, I am not sure what to leave as a comment, but I will just say thank you so much for writing. I always appreciate what you share.

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