I am a pleasure of life, I hate everything, June can't keep a man, June's stupid life, My pets

LDV

I have a new thing that bugs me: Women using that video-making feature where their eyes are huge, and their lips are gigantic, and their voices are distorted. Perhaps you’re hilarious, person making a video while sitting in a car, which, woooo! How could you NOT be, with that original venue? But I see that damn exaggerated-features look, and I can’t even click to hear one word.

Also, the kids who’ve been coached to sound world-weary when they’re four. Stop.

You all have put both of these on the Facebook of June page lately to say, “I hate these,” and I am so with you.

These videos are the 2000s version of Pagemaker. Back in the ’90s, this program got invented that let you create your own invitations and flyers and so forth, called Pagemaker (and not PageMaker. I believe it came before we started the equally annoying trend of naming everything WordThing. WordPress. TypePad. InDesign. StopIt).

Anyway, Pagemaker started the whole Secretary As Artist trend, where everyone was “designing” their own stuff, and it looked horrific. Now we have video cameras in our purses, and little special effects we can use, and suddenly everyone’s a makeshift internet comedian.

Says the woman who still blogs, for god’s sake.

You know what was funny? The woman who’d bought herself the Chewbacca mask. She wasn’t trying to get millions of viewers. She wasn’t trying to hone her “craft.” She wasn’t trying to become an Instagram star so she could quit her day job. She was just a genuinely likable person who happened to capture a funny moment.

And this is the problem, I think. The little girl dancing Gangnam style at a wedding reception is genuine. These “I planned them” videos always look, you know, planned. And they aren’t that funny.

I know I’m not the only curmudgeon, here.

Look who I’m talking to. Of course I’m not.

Other than me hating everything on the planet and still being in an angry phase, that about sums it up. I worked on something all day yesterday at work, which was fun to do, actually, but took a lot out of me. Copy editing. It isn’t laying bricks, but you’d never know that.

Anyway, I came home, realized I was out of soap and water. I am not kidding. Soap and water. So then Edsel and I went to the grocery store. I hated to leave him after I’d just gotten home and he’d started sculpting a bust in my honor and so forth.

Then I got home and said, “Is it an acceptable time to go to bed yet?” like anyone was watching. I made myself stay up till 9:00, didn’t do any freelance and hello panic, and then Eds and I slept all night except for Edsel’s one very urgent call of nature at 12:12 a.m. I swear we were back asleep by 12:14.

The only exciting news I have for you is that several months ago, maybe even a year ago, Faithful Reader Fay sent me a Hello Kitty toaster, which I use quite frequently. I’m quite the connoisseur of toast.

But all this time, I’ve been buying the pretentious bread, a habit I picked up from my…ex, the 404 Error, who gets said bread in the deli section at the store, and it’s full of the nuts and grains and it is delicious.

But this weekend, I was near the Ghetto Lion, and I needed groceries (including water and soap, but who can remember?) (here is where my mother is screeching MAKE A LIST), and they don’t HAVE rough made-in-store bread at the Ghetto Lion, so I got normal-person bread in the bread aisle, and weird, it felt.

The point is, I made toast, and

GUESS

WHAT.

That toaster embeds a little image of Hello Kitty in the toast! My toast was too rough and unrefined and high-school educated to show it before.

IMG_1855.jpgMy life has been transfigured. Also, say “toast” one more time.

I’d better go. I’m taking Eds to the vet today, to figure out why he’s still itching and chewing, and now his stomach seems to be bothering him.

Before you give me all the advice, here’s what we’ve already tried:

  1. Changing his diet. Many times.
  2. Shots
  3. Steroids
  4. Antidepressant
  5. Another kind of antidepressant
  6. Flax seed oil
  7. Allergy medicine
  8. A different kind of allergy medicine

Someone told me to try colloidal silver, and Ima ask the vet about that today.

I can’t help having PTSD about Tallulah, and all the tests we ran, when her tumor was right there visible, had anyone, oh, looked at her little dog vagina. I have never once called it anything other than her “little dog vagina.” I don’t know why. Her LDV.

Have PTSD about a lot of things lately. Remember when life just used to be normal and I wasn’t upset? Me either. But I know it existed.

Okay, talk at you and your little dog vagina soon.

70 thoughts on “LDV”

  1. I remember fondly when my life was normal; about 7 years ago, pre-divorce, death, cancer, cancer, cancer treatment, new houseguests, being fired. Yeah……good times!

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  2. Well shit. Our Duckie Doodle the Dumpling Dog was scratching, chewing and biting for the past year. We visited three vets for advice, gave steroids, antibiotics, and a fish diet, and still he kept it up, poor bugger. Your mention of a possible grain allergy prompted us to take him off commercial food altogether, and guess what! It seems to have made a huge difference. There is only the “normal” doggy habits now. So thank you!
    And while I’m at it … You’re still making me laugh out loud on a regular basis.
    -Kate

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  3. The whole snapchat filter thing bothers me. I’m not cool. Anger is good- it still means you feel emotion.
    I would hate it if I was numb to the world and didn’t feel anything. I hope you get some relief for Edsel.
    I also appreciate your honesty and your realness!

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  4. Sorry about the angry phase. But thank you for being so honest. You are much more relatable and human for it. So often we only put our happy face out there in the internet world. Oh how the distorted face videos bug me too. World weary kids are only funny to their family. Maybe.

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  5. My two big dogs are itchy. My daughter’s year-old baby dog is itchy. Every damn dog is itchy. Remember a dozen years ago when none of our dogs were itchy, or needed grain free food? When I went to school (back when Jesus was still grounded from that whole ‘staying in the temple when the family went home’ incident) no one cared about gluten or red dye or had itchy dogs.

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  6. Dear Joob,

    I love this post. I can’t put my finger on specifically why, but I love this post. I think maybe this line is what impacts me: Have PTSD about a lot of things lately. Remember when life just used to be normal and I wasn’t upset? Me either. But I know it existed.

    Love,
    AA

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  7. So sad to hear sweet Eds is ailing. I hope you get it sorted out soon. when the pets get sick I can’t relax. I’m a worry wart anyway. I still (try to) baby my son and he’s 45.

    I can only take facebook in small doses. I don’t know if I’ve said this before but sometimes… I hate people.

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  8. Have you tried switching laundry detergent and dryer sheet to something for sensitive skin? Maybe he’s allergic to something on the bedding.

    Hope Edz feels better.

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  9. I’ve tried everything but 4, 5 and 6 on my dog. Well, kind of a 6a, where we tried fish oil. So do let us know what the vet says. I’ll try it next. My dog is going to need to get a job, she cost us a boatload two weekends ago and goes for a follow up tomorrow. She got the allergy meds (which she is on ALL THE TIME) but they upped the dose, an antibiotic and an anti-fungal (is that hyphenated?) medicine because she has yuck anywhere there isn’t fur – which is her belly, armpits, crotchal area and ears. And she was starting to scratch hair off below her eyes! Oh, and they put some stuff down in her ears too.

    Fun is what we have been having, is what I’m saying.

    Good luck, Coot. Feel better, Edz.

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  10. Toast is my favorite comfort food. I wonder if that kitty imprint would work on Aldis softer sourdough bread? That bread do be delish.

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  11. No advice. I want a toaster that has Jesus embedded. I think one like that sold on Ebay for millions a few years back.

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  12. Thing that bugs me? People who use 10,000 emojis in their FB posts. Apparently, this is a marketing tool by people in MLMs and if you want to make sure I will NEVER “support your dreams” by buying whatever you are selling, please use the 10,000 emojis in every one of your dozens of FB posts every day. Posts that use guilt and manipulation in the attempts to get people to buy their stuff.

    There. Rant over.

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    1. Emojies and a bazillion 3-letter abbreviations of words. All it looks like to me is “Cbz ick sow brz. [smiley face emoji] Mem tlz brb no!! [frowny face emoji].

      And I’m all “What the HELL?!?” scroll.

      If anybody makes a video talking about whatever, if I don’t know them, they don’t even have to distort the eyes and mouth and voice. I pass by it anyway. I don’t care what anyone I don’t know and/or don’t like has to say.

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  13. We make food for our dogs. I know I’ve said it before, but it really has made so many things better. They love love love it so they eat it instantly, which is followed by InstantPoop which is oh so much more convenient than the old graze-and-poop-whenever scenario. Their coats are cleaner and shinier – our poor Bella was a chewy, oily, smelly mess on any and all commercial dog food – we tried them all. We make at least a month’s worth of a food at a time and freeze it so we’re only doing this 10 or 12 times per year. Plus the dog who was predicted to be dead in a month is still here three years later, so I’m a believer. I should really take her back and get her blood tested to see if she still has The Cancer. If they didn’t want to charge me 10 million dollars for the test, I’d do it.

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      1. No real recipe – I just shoot for 75-80% protein (chicken, turkey, pork, beef, liver, eggs) and the rest is vegetables and grains/beans (sweet potatoes, rice, oatmeal, lentils, green beans, carrots, leafy greens, etc.) Sometimes I keep it really simple with ground meat and oats and eggs (I blend them with the shells) and throw in some frozen mixed vegetables. Other times I get real fancy and pressure cook some left over chicken carcasses and add those in. I also add some kind of fat, especially if the protein is lean – so olive oil or coconut oil generally. Sometimes chia seeds go in, but not always. It’s pretty loosely a “recipe” – more a technique or a template I guess. But if you look online you’ll see lots of recipes. Some people just do chicken and rice – so it can be as simple or as complex as you want it to be. There are days we just scramble them some eggs. We watch for bulk meats on sale and use whatever we find that’s cheap. Our grocery marks meat way down when it’s close to expiration and we often get good deals on vegetables that way, too. And we buy the super cheap eggs – this last time I got a dozen and a half for 90 cents.

        My husband claims the dogs eat better than he does, but when I offer him a bite, he’s never interested!

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        1. I started making my dogs food a couple of months ago, using ground turkey (purchased in bulk from Costco), cauliflower and sweet potatoes, and brown rice cooked in chicken/vegetable broth. My dogs still eat grain-free kibble and I add about 1/2 cup of the turkey/rice mixture to their kibble. I should add in some coconut oil for their skin.

          I have friends who will put an entire chicken in the crockpot for about 12 hours with some sweet potatoes, carrots and other vegetables and the chicken will cook down to mush, bones and all, and that’s what they feed their dogs. I just have concerns about any bones that don’t cook down.

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          1. That’s why I pressure cook them – 90 minutes of cooking on low pressure, cool down, then cook for another 90 minutes. You’re left with a gelatinous, thick broth-like substance full of all good stuff.

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  14. Something is wrong in this world when grown ass people spend $$$$ on a phone so they can become a talking emoji. That is all.

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  15. Nice job, Coot.

    I hate the feature in Instagram videos — I think it’s called boomerang — where it goes forward for 1.5 seconds, then backwards for 1.5 seconds, over and over and over. StopIt!

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  16. Oh, i get so pissed at all the giant mouth videos and all the other crap people feel like is sooo funny!! I don’t understand the thought process „ hey, I’m sitting in my car, let me turn myself into a deer with helium voice to blab about stuff that no one gives a shit about „
    How about the people that use a pretty filter and record themselves singing along to whatever song they feel they need to share while fucking driving!!!!
    I get so mad!
    And yes, I know most blogs are over and done with but that’s because they have no talent and no substance. They were boring to start with and the novelty had worn off.
    You are a very talented wonderful writer with a talent for turning the most mundane daily happening into a funny and entertaining story. Sometimes not funny but deep and honest and thought provoking.

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  17. Oh I hate those videos. The squeaky voice ones and the little kid ones. I hate a whole big list of other crap too, but no one cares to hear any of it.

    Poor Eds.

    This is probably one of the most useless comments you’ve ever had on your blog. I’ve sat here debating whether I should even post it. But I figure most of my comments are like that, so here you go.

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  18. “StopIt” i cackled.

    life has become ridiculously stoopid and yes, it does make one jumpy.

    oh. and distorted video? yes, i did it. sent to my bestie because i could not stop laughing. this is not for public consumption. hello, share too much people. speaking of hello, love the toast!

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  19. My cat Spooky was always licking and pulling out hunks of fur, then the vet put her on fish oil. It has helped a lot. Her fur looks more sleek too.

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  20. June, that’s so cool about the Hello Kitty toast. I’d be saying “It’s a sign!!!…don’t sweat the small stuff…I can’t see the forest (the good things in life) because of the trees (my list of things that piss me off)…”

    Then I’d eat that toast and those cute Hello Kitty ears.

    P.S. I got a kitten two weeks ago. He is very cute. Even my cranky, huge, 11 year old male Maine Coon seems intrigued. I thought the kitten was a girl and named it Lucy. The vet said after examination “This is no Lucy.” Kite was renamed “Rickie” (get it? Not Lucy, but Ricky…as in Ricky Recard; “I Love Lucy”). The kitten is my “Hello Kitty” moment, every day.

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  21. How did I know that your toaster does that and not you? I don’t even own said toaster. Mine is just a regular boring toaster.

    And I’m with you on the big eyed, squeaky voiced, antler headed videos. Stop it.

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  22. Can I just commiserate about the itching and scratching and licking? Our lab has severe allergies to, oh, seemingly EVERYTHING and looks homeless 80% of the time. We’ll try a new thing and it will work for a while and then, we’ll come home from work and he will have licked another spot raw. (Please trust me when I saw that we have explored everything: food, anxiety or meds or it’s the carpet or whatever, we’ve tried it all. Right now we’re on a steady diet of Benadryl and coconut oil mixed in with his ridiculously expensive prescription food.) I just wanted to complain. It’s so awful that he can’t tell us what’s wrong, and also that I feel like a neglectful pet parent every time we’re at the vet with him, yet again.

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  23. Poor Eds. Hope a cure is found for his itching, chewing self. What color ribbon shall we wear? Poison-ivy-green for the itching, but what color for the chewing?

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      1. I’ve heard that poison ivy doesn’t bother dogs, just their owners who pet them after exposure. Of course, I could be wrong.

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  24. I have not seen the veedeos of which you speak. Grateful. Good luck with vet appointment. Will be thinking of you and the Eds.

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  25. Oh, Eds… that poor little guy. I’m taking Kobe to vet for the second time today; he has a kitty UTI in his little manly non-vagina. He is still peeing EVERYWHERE, including the litter boxes. If that blasted vet immediately starts questioning me on my litter boxes and cleaning of them AGAIN I may snap and there may be an unfortunate accident involving a litter scoop.

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    1. My cat routinely got UTI’s – I switched to nothing but canned food at the vet’s suggestion and they magically cleared up. However, certain brands of canned food will start it up again for some reason. It’s been a miracle cure, and the cheapest one available as well. (the next alternative was surgery to remove some variation of bladder stones) You may have already tried this, but just in case you haven’t, thought I’d mention it!

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      1. I had a cat with a similar problem years ago. We switched her to a food that was low in magnesium and it helped out. It has been so long that I can’t remember exactly what it was but I know it was Science diet something or other.

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    2. I have been fantasizing about that time period too, when we were young and poor and healthy as opposed to old and sick and poor from damn medical bills, co pays etc. I was thinking of Sunday mornings when he left me in bed with our one cat and went to get us fresh bagels and cream cheese. Oh those simple pleaures in out tiny “railroad flat” with the two burners and a toaster oven, and a tiny college style fridge. (We had a real one on the enclosed porch). I Miss The Hungry Years, but who thought they’d return at this stsge of life? Broke on a grander scale.

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  26. I won’t watch those stupid videos either. When will people get over themselves? Or turning their kids into puppets? I hate it all. Life too. Just trudging from one day to the next.

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  27. Those things vex me also, I scroll right by them. I have no little dog vagina, but I do have big dog balls. Good luck at the vet, Coot.

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  28. Sorry to hear poor Edz has the skin trouble. You could try giving him baths with Chlorhexadine shampoo and see if it could be yeast or staph. Either way it might help if its something he’s coming in contact with on the outside, and if its internal, it should calm his skin some. Has the vet done a skin scrape to see if he has mites? Also, sometimes it takes up to 8 weeks for any diet change to help show an improvement, so its a really long and tedious process to eliminate whatever might be the culprit. I can sympathize, after 2+ years of searching, I still haven’t pinpointed Cleo’s skin issue.

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  29. Just took Jinx cat to vet yesterday for incessant licking and hair pulling. Steroid shot didn’t work. Doesn’t appear to be allergies, so waiting on blood work results. Am also having jitters b/c took Radley in for simple cough and three weeks later, he was gone. Am currently practicing my mad denial skills, which explains my lack of doing one damn thing yet for the holidays.

    Tired of adulting. Ready to sit in Curmudgeon Circle.

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  30. Maybe to make yourself perk up you could form a band. “Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Greensboro’s own–The Little Dog Vaginas!”

    Or you could just continue to hate everyone and everything. Your call.

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    1. Sorry about the PTSD you’ve got going on! I hope you get some answers to Edsel’s skin issue.

      I had a major 404 error a few years ago and haven’t really dated much since. There’s nobody interesting out there that wants to actually date and get to know you. They all seem so vapid. And now I’m seeing’s men doing duck face on their dating profile pictures which makes me want to give up completely!

      I have to make myself stay up past 8. There’s usually events going on locally, but I feel guilty leaving the dog after being gone all day.

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