...friend/Ned · Beauty products · Family · June doesn't know any ugly people

June blogs from home

Do you like how I keep using “blog” as a verb? You’re welcome.

When we were last together, promising to write while Mister pulled us apart (“NOTHING BUT DEATH COULD KEEP ME FROM IT”),

Dear June: Watch new movies. You’re killing us. Also, “blog” is a noun. Love, All 10 Readers.

I think it was Thanksgiving, or maybe the day after. It’s all a blur, man. A blur of carbs. So I’ll start up where we left off, except for the tiny detail that I can’t recall where we left off.

Dear June: SCROLL DOWN. God. Signed, Nine readers, because one of us got sick of you.

Here are some other things I did on my trip to Michigan other than have Thanksgiving…

IMG_2161.jpgWalked with mom. It really wasn’t that cold out, and yet mom was ready to climb Everest with her outdoor garb. She kept texting my stepfather about which base camp we were at.

IMG_2167.jpgShopped with women. I feel like we were super original in this regard, as no other women in the country ventured out to stores on the Friday after Thanksgiving. You will see that my cousin Katie the Lesbian joined us–she hadn’t been at Thanksgiving because she is a nurse and was scheduled to work. I’d be all, fuck that. People can wait. Have you MET stuffing?

It’s funny, I keep thinking the Pope will write me about that sainthood, but he keeps writing back New phone, who dis.

Is it sainthood? Is that what it’s called when someone besaints you? It would appear that I don’t know.

Anyway, my mother and I popped into this vintage/resale/some new stuff store she likes, and careful readers will note that all I ever do is go to vintage/some new/resale stores and what genetics? Anyway, we’d been there awhile, exclaiming over these incredibly bad purses, that had gems and leopard spots and big diamonds for clasps, and wondering what kind of asshole would buy them, when lo and behold who was at the store but my Aunt Kathy and my lesbian cousin Katie.

Uncareful readers will note that Katie is not a lesbian at all, but her niece, as a very small child, asked her if she were a lesbian, assuring her it’s okay to be gay, because she felt Aunt Katie dressed like a lesbian, which continues to be my favorite thing anyone has ever said, other than Ozzy Osbourne saying, “Things could be worse. I could be Sting.”

Say, short sentence. How’re your short sentences treatin’ ya?

IMG_2165.JPGThe point is, we shopped the store again, as Katie was looking for a chest of drawers, and maybe a chest of a woman, given her wardrobe choices. And HERE’S WHAT HAPPENED. We got up to one of the terrible purses, each one more gaudy than the next, and Katie said, “June, do you not love these? I could so see you with one of these purses.”

SHE WAS SERIOUS.

What? You like gaudy!”

I mean.

There’s gaudy and there’s middle-aged, look-how-whimiscal, when-I-am-old-I-shall-wear-purple-at-Olive-Garden-with-20-other-friends gaudy.

My mother and I kept presenting Katie with lovely old chests, and we garnered a few Mardi Gras beads for our efforts. BAH. No. We found midcentury, curvy, painted-pale-green, just lovely dressers, and Katie would be all, “Oh, uh-huh, yeah” with this FEIGNED interest, till she’d come across a jet black dresser with rabbit skulls for drawer pulls. “Oh, this one’s nice,” she’d say. Or the unvarnished one that’d been beaten with Micky’s Big Mouth 40-ouncers for character. “This one’s great.”

Aunt Katie, you dresser like a lesbian.

IMG_2173Aunt Kathy got large sunglasses, and I got this poncho WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHIMSICAL MIDDLE AGE? We tried to pose like fashionable mannequins, but had no dignity.

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Dignity.
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Dignity deux.
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I don’t look good in sunglasses. I look like a man. Or a bug. Or a man who bugs me, aka everyone with a peen.

After, mom and I went to her old house. A sale is pending, but in the meantime, it’s still hers. If I had time, I’d find old photos and compare them to her blank house, but I like to stay active.

HAHAHAHAHAHA.

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Dining room, mostly empty.
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Dining room, now with painful memories!

The only picture I could find is this shot with Ned in it, and I hope you’re happy that I put this up and then felt physically ill and had to poop. I pooped for you people.

Dear June, Thanks. Signed, Eight of us, because one of us was all, oh good. Bowel talk. And then left.

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Empty living room. I guess the buyer is keeping some of the furniture.
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Hello. I’m the kitchen, here to make you sad.
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Sigh.
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“Everything is sad, honey.” A-mom-ican Gothic.

IMG_2190.jpgIMG_E2191.jpgThe good news is that Gus’s obstacle course equipment was still back there, and despite his being 104 and never hearing me when I talked to him this time, he was up in his playground. Gus likes to stay active. He also likes brunch and walks on the beach, and is looking for a partner in crime.

(I hate online dating. In case anyone wonders how that’s going.)

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“lookeeeng for dog hooo really take care of herself.”
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giv ups, human sistur. yuu past peek.

Also in my mother’s basement is an old piano, that is sadly out of tune, and I’m sorry to tell you there are four–FOUR–sad videos of us trying to play heart and soul.

I see that I have droned on for nearly a thousand words already, and I ONLY GOT THROUGH FRIDAY and not even FRIDAY NIGHT, and you know how I love the nightlife. How I’ve got to boogie. Because who’s 52?

So I will report back tomorrow with more riveting highlights of my trip. However, I can’t leave without giving you a convenient Amazon link with which to shop shop shop, because it’s almost Christmas, and it’s time to spend way too much to fill the hollow blackness that lies inside us.

Or maybe that’s just me.

Up there is a link to Amazon, which happens to be more than $500 worth of Mac cosmetics, and talk about filling your empty blackness. I feel like that would do it. For, you know, like an hour!

Pink Uggs would also quiet the unrest.

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“Best Christmas of all? Not having to bail June’s ass out of debtor’s prison. Again.” –Mom

If you shop using June, you will make a mom happy at Christmas. AND I DO NOT HAVE DEBT ANYMORE. I do need a new dishwasher, however. Oooo, wait…

Okay, seriously? You can get a DISHWASHER on Amazon?

Talk at you tomorrow.

Homily,

Joon

34 thoughts on “June blogs from home

  1. What a lovely [bad, very bad] rendition of Heart and Soul! Man, that piano was making my ears bleed though. Out of tune pianos are like nails on a chalkboard to me. Yikes!

    Your whole women-family-members are beautiful!

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  2. Oh my god Pam’s squeaks when she laughs are the best. Also I used to play that song with my friend on my Casio keyboard. It was one of the few songs I could play, and she had piano lessons, so.

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  3. Awesome post, June! Look how much fun you had with your family. Everyone is so adorable! That wonky piano would have sent me into hysterics, too. It’s fun to watch people get so tickled!
    The dining room, now with painful memories made me laugh. Just think, Mother’s new dining room has only fun memories from just this year, so the slate is wiped clean!

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  4. Do you remember when you could add Aretha Franklin’s hat to all your photos back in ought nine? I think we should have a photo sticker for the gaudy handbags now.

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  5. “Dining room! Now with painful memories!” killed me DED. I’m so glad we’re only up to Friday afternoon!

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  6. Your family is just lovely, thanking for sharing your trip with all of us. I am glad you had a good time.

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  7. Whimsical old broads at Olive Garden, red hats and bedazzled handbags, there’s our future. Just a bunch of coots. Should I be laughing or opening a vein? Lovely post!

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  8. This post was hilarious as usual. I loved the mannequins and their hands especially. Wait. That mural thing in the dining room? Now I want one of those. It looks like it would keep you busy looking at stuff while you waited for your food to be ready.

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  9. Glad you made it home safe and sound. I love the pictures of you and your Mom. I miss my mom so very much during the Holidays and days that end in y. DAMN IT I MISS MY MOMMY! STUPID CANCER!
    Anyway, I did not get pink Uggs but Grey ones to replace my ancient Uggs which I had to MAIL order back in the dark ages from Australia. I still have them and they look nothing like the new Uggs from this century. I met Mr. Uggs several years ago and told him about my pr-civil war Uggs and he was impressed that they had held up so well. We had dinner and I wore them on a sunny 102 degree day just to show him my ancient Uggs. He asked me how many Mastedons I was able to run down in my archaic Uggs. I still love my 400 B.C. Uggs and wear them when the temperatures dip below 60.

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    1. It’s especially hard, being without our mom’s during the holidays.
      Hugs, Bee.
      I’ll be thinking of you and your ancient Uggs whenever I wear my new ones. Hope they last as long as yours did.

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    2. So sorry about your mom. It’s my first holiday season without mine. Not even trying to pick myself up and carry on. Maybe next year. The following poem makes me feel better, in a gallows-humor sort of way: “When life seems gray and short of fizz, it seems that way because it is.”

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  10. GUS!! You agile old curmudgeon.
    Also, I have Aunt Kathy’s sneakers and am wearing them as I type. Well, they’re mine. Hers are actually much cleaner.

    Lovely post, June! (are we still allowed to say that?)

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    1. Letha! I have missed you! And I am so late to this blog post that you probably won’t even SEE that I miss you. (I just typed an emoji, and quickly deleted it…you have me all discombobulated!)

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  11. Lovely post, Coot. Your dwindling number of readers made me laugh and think of And Then There Were None. Thanks for sharing pictures of your family and your shopping trip together. Looks like fun. (Wait, did I just rhyme?) Gus was too cute reliving his Olympic obstacle course. I’m sure it was sad to see the empty house. Is that where you grew up? Forgive me, I’m too lazy to pull down the heavy Big Book of June to look it up for myself.

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  12. Sounds like you had a lovely time browsing on the darkish shopping day (I don’t like the black adjective). Meanwhile I stayed around four rowdy and cranky young’uns. Then I took a nap. THAT was nice. Now we have mem’rys …. of the way we … oh.

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  13. Loved all the photos. You and your mom cracked me up trying to play that out-of-tune piano. Glad you had such a good trip.

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  14. Glad you’re home. Sounds like you had a lovely trip. “Aunt Katie you dresser like a lesbian” So funny!! Your writing is so clever. Love the pics and the Sunday post!

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  15. I am SO DISAPPOINTED that you did not take a photo of the gaudy purses to share with us. How could you tease us like that and not deliver?

    I’ve got several things I need to buy from Amazon tomorrow on Cyber Monday so I will use your links so that you can get that dishwasher.

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    1. Dear June: I know you just showed us 5676433 photos, but why not the one thing I wanted to see? …Where you going with that hemlock, June?

      >

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  16. Welcome baaack, Joob.
    That’s my kind of shopping trip. I woul’ve been all over those gaudy purses but I already have three. Couldn’t decide which one I liked so had to buy all of them.
    Aunt Kathy’s and your mannequin hands are perfect.
    The beaten dresser. Still laughing.
    I hope you bought the pink hat. You’ll need it to go with the Uggs.
    It was nice that you were able to see the house again with your mom and Gus.

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