June reviews her Christmas dates, and she’s plum tired. BAH.

Last night, I went to bed at 10 to 8:00. That’s the nice thing about migraine–you get your rest.

I am in a streak, a migraine streak, since before I left for Michigan. I’ve had a damn migraine every day since Sunday. Welcome back to Greensboro! So, last night, I trudged home gingerly, as opposed to MaryAnn-ly, fed the 90 pets, and said, “Edsel, I’m just gonna lie down for a bit.”

Not that he didn’t follow me down the hall with Blu once I said that, dropping it dejectedly when he figured out he wasn’t coming with me. And yes, I felt like a dick.

The point is, next thing you know my alarm is going off and I’m in all my clothes. So. Nice. Nothing feels better than waking up in all your clothes, like you were camping.

Oh, and also, speaking of Edsel, who in case you didn’t know is my gay dog, like anyone just got here. But speaking of Edsel, I have a problem…

IMG_2368.JPGI’ve set this room up so that there is now a chair next to the window where the cats eat. This means that stupid Edsel, ON THE DAILY, gets on the chair and eats all the leftover food. Today, he NUDGED LILY OUT OF THE WAY so he could eat her food.

And yes, I yell at him and he turns into a contrite letter C, until the next mealtime, when he gleefully and gayfully does it again.

Surely I can’t be the only person here who owns a cat and a dog. Where do YOU feed your cats so the dog won’t eat it?

IMG_2367.jpgAlso, my building shares office space with a few counseling offices. Say “office” one more time. Anyway, they’re having a toy drive, which is really a bad idea. Adult humans should really be the only ones driving.

Anyway, every day, Elmo, Big Bird and some blue character–did they update their blue character since the Cookie Monster, which is where I left off in 1971? Anyway, every day these three characters are doing something funny at the box. Sometimes they’re just staring through the carton-holder openings.

…Oh my GOD, you guys. See that text, above? I wrote that, and 900 MORE PITHY WORDS this morning, and when I hit “publish,” it published my headline and NOTHING ELSE. All I was able to get back were these first paragraphs, and YOU MISSED ALL MY PITH. So here I am again, 86 calls to WordPress, AT&T and AppleCare later, at lunch, trying to write you again.

What I was telling you, before the goddamn internet ruined my goddamn life, was that tonight is my work Christmas party, and yes, they call it a “Christmas” party.

b253c-6a00e54f9367fb883401543860ae67970c-pi.jpgThe first year I worked there, in 2011, my date was Dick Whitman.

In 2012, they’d laid me off and brought me back as a contractor, and I wasn’t invited to the Christmas party. Hmph.

965838_10152064488943850_1095438410_oIn 2013 and ’14, I went with Ned.

Then we broke up, as we are wont to do, and in 2015 I took The Naughty Professor.

6a00e54f9367fb883401bb0898356d970dAnd then in 2016, I got back together with Ned, as we were wont to do NOT ANYMORE but we were then.

IMG_3920We had both gained eleventy hundred pounds. What stress? And by the way, since Chippiegate 2017, I have done Weight Watchers NOT AT ALL, but I got back on that wagon today. Gained back four of the 10 pounds I’d lost, dammit, but still. I’m thinner than old Big Dot up there in m’polka-dot dress. Old Tri-Chins, up there.

Anyway, this year I’m going alone. Alooooone. ALONNNNNNNNE. I’m going with six fewer pounds and one less man.

download

Oh, it’s fine.

6a00e54f9367fb883401b7c720d691970b

Really.

This year, the event is at the country club, which is exciting because that’s near my house, given what a fancy neighborhood I live in. I live in fancy-adjacent, really. When I first moved here, I told someone what street I live off of, and I remember the person asking which side of Battleground was I on, which is the dividing street between fancy and not fancy. Why didn’t the person just go ahead and ask, “You got money?”

Which, by the way, I do right now. I got paid last night, and I got my monthly deposit from Amazon THANK YOU OH MY GOD YOU GUYS, and also I got paid yesterday for doing that freelance work I never shut up about last month, a check that has four digits in it.

This means I’m considering getting my new dishwasher, or alternatively, tiling the floor in the terrible room with that concrete floor. I’d like to put in some kind of retro-looking linoleum, which does anyone remember where I found that stuff? The really good pretty linoleum? I talked about it before, but now I’m all, where WAS that, even? Does anyone know? I think it was technically a linoleum company from England. I’ll never find it again I HATE EVERYTHING.

Anyway, which should I do? Ooo, Ima add a poll. That always goes so well, when we do that.

I promise you this post was a lot funnier THIS MORNING before I had to remember what I said and re-create it all crabby-like, but I leave you with this…

IMG_E2364
it dooo fit. dooo not a quit.

I put this puppy bed, fmr., on my dining room table, fmr., which now resides in my computer room, fmr., and does anyone local need a very long table? Anyway, I thought it’d be a nice place for cats to lounge in private, and yet? No one used it. My cats never use actual cat BEDS I provide them–they’d prefer Edsel’s bed or my bed or my clean clothes or anything that inconveniences me. Nevertheless, yesterday Steely Dan suddenly embraced the puppy bed, and for that I am grateful.

I leave you now but I’ll be back to give you a poll. Which is what HE said.

Hoping this doesn’t all DISAPPEAR INTO NOWHERE.

Invisible June

33 thoughts on “June reviews her Christmas dates, and she’s plum tired. BAH.

    1. I LOVE these! The floor of my office is stamped and stained concrete but I would totally cover up that concrete with some of these patterns.

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    1. We almost installed marmoleum but then I saw the product at a store and ordered samples….and whoa does that stuff smell like death. I’m sure the odor fades but one envelope of death was enough for me.

      Choose life. Choose dishwasher. (Choose leisure wear and matching luggage.)

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      1. What the heck is marmoleum? Is it made with dried orange marmalade?

        That would be good if you were hungry. Just break off a piece…

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  1. Oh praise the NOT-BLOG GODS you’re back. And my hilarious comments remain. Although they were funnier when it was just a title and no post.

    We don’t have cats, but we do have a revolving cast of dogs – all my kids have at least one who visit on the regular – who all eat their own food. So we have this complicated series of maneuvers that involves gates and doors and one-out-two-in-another-one-out-first-one-in. It’s oh so ridiculous. If it were up to me we’d have a trough and slop them like the pigs they are.

    I had to restrain myself today when the building-wide email went out asking if we wanted chicken, pasta, pizza, or TACO’S for our holiday lunch. Seriously. And I work in a school. I wanted to reply “taco’s what? Taco’s lunch? Taco’s dog? Taco’s taco?”

    And you June are beautiful at all stages of life. And funny like there’s no funny left for anyone else. “Fancy-adjacent” – I’m stealing that line!

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  2. Get a dishwasher. I finally, after three years, three long years of washing dishes every day, several times a day on some days, finally had my kitchen remodeled and I’m so very excited. „I will never wash another dish by hand again in my life !„ said in my best dramatic Scarlett o hara voice.

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  3. Ohhh now I need pictures of those sesame street characters and their shenanigans. I’m not demanding or anything. Not me.

    We have a cabinet that the litter pan resides in, and the cat food and water bowl sits on top. I know my dog could get to it is she really tried, but she leaves it alone. I put the paper shredder on the food side of the cabinet, and she’s scared of it, so that COULD have a little something to do with her leaving the food alone.

    Lovely post, June! Lovely polka dot dress, even if you think you looked sub-par. I think you looked beautiful.

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  4. I feed my cats twice a day in the basement with the door shut. What they don’t eat gets picked up. Boring, annoying, nobody gets anybody else’s food. Well, unless somebody pukes, I guess.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Fancy adjacent. Ha! I swear weight watchers is now the most uncool weight loss plan out there. In fact, i asked my friend what is the most uncool weight loss plan, and she answered weight watchers. But. It is totally helping me. There is a reason that company has been around forever.

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  6. Those Sesame Street toys would be the highlight of my day if I worked in your building.The blue one could be Grover.
    The British linoleums are so awesome! How will you ever choose? Did you notice there’s even one called June? I could spend 6 months dragging my heels trying to decide which pattern to buy then realize in the meantime I coulda had clean dishes, SO my vote is dishwasher first, then steady deliberation over tiles.

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  7. As you all wearily know, I have a Greyhound and she is completely un-food-motivated. (In my next life, I wish to be un-food-motivated. This life is a goner.) However, we believe she might eat the cats’ food (you all wearily know I also have two cats. Siamese. If you please.) because they drink her water. Yes, they have their own, clean, fresh, water, but they like to drink her water. And any other water they find in glasses, bowls, dishes, dripping; I don’t know, they’re FREAKS, ok? Thirsty freaks. So the cats eat on the counter in an out-of-the-way corner, back-from-the-edge, far-from-food-prep area (not far enough, I KNOW). And the dog eats way at the other end of the kitchen, on the floor, from a raised bowl because: spoiled. The lot of them. SPOILED. Fun fact: The cats only eat dry food. Commence the advice as to why that’s a bad idea. I’ll wait.

    However, the dog does enjoy a French fry. ONE French fry. If there are fries served at dinner and no one offers her one (and she doesn’t bother to beg at the table because generally she could not care less and would rather sleep) she will offer one pitiful bark from her bed. Then we all say, “Oh! Sorry!” and one of us will toss her a fry. ONE fry. And she’s happy and goes back to sleep. Imagine being happy with one French fry.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yes, no, don’t get me started ..being happy with one french fry. I don’t want any if I can only have ONE.
      June… you have oodles of friends, someone would go with you to your party. How about the dude you talked to walking out of the book store window seat. Take Edsel, yah , that would work.
      Let’s give ’em somethin’ to talk about.
      …whoo need dish was her? Give plate to Edz, Edz will clean…no need for dish was her.
      Dang migraines, good for Amazon shopping,good for June.
      Do one now dishwasher , do the other one after Christmas,floor. It isn’t like the cash is gonna stop comin’ in.
      The Sesame Street shenanigans would keep me happy.

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    2. Wow, can your dog maybe lead a weight loss class? I would totally go to it.

      My cats only eat dry food too. I used to give them canned sometimes as a treat, but one or all of them would end up barfing it up. Well hell, I can just smear it on the floor and get the same result! So the canned food went by the wayside.

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  8. My daughter has 3 cats with different food needs. She bought a contraption that has closed compartments for two kinds of food. Each cat wears a collar (skip collar discussions, not relevant to this comment and too much to explain) with a chip that corresponds to one of the feeding compartments. Animal without a chip, for example a dog, gets nada. Animal with a chip opens the matched compartment. Can you believe somebody actually thought up and made this thing?

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    1. I have been feeding the cats on top of our clothes dryer since 1988 when we got our first dog. Elphaba is 10 now and quite chubby. I sometimes have to lift her up there. She is not at all shy about yowling to let me know. I think sometimes she just wants the added attention and could manage without me, which she often does. She drinks out of the dog’s water bowls. The dogs have seperate raised feeding stations accross the kitchen from each other. Sophie is a snarler and a snapper with food. Scrappy will steal some on the sly when he is feeling particularly brazen and if she is not super hungry when it’s served.

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    2. I bet someone can buy it from amazon have it shipped to June AND earn Amazon money. We feed our Cat on top of the dryer as we have tiny dogs. A long time ago we still did this but had a small litter box door in the wall and only the cats could get in the laundry area. The St.bernard was thwarted from eating cat food and litter box snacks.

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  9. I am amused by Paula’s dog stories. I wish I could pull into McDonalds and order 5 fries. Since I can’t I don’t order any fries ever. I’d flip them a nickel for 5 fries. Fresh and hot with salt, please.

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  10. My dogs are smaller than my cats, so I don’t have to worry about them eating the cat food. What I do have to worry about is the momma cat – Mavis – generally tormenting the dogs because I have just introduced her new baby kittens to them and if the dogs so much as look at the kittens, Mavis is growling, running them off, swatting at them….I don’t think she has actually hurt either of the dogs, but it still makes me TENSE AS ALL HELL.

    Also, Hazel, sister of Mavis, cat does not enjoy the kittens. She is a total bitch in general though, disliking pretty much all creatures on the planet, including yours truly. The sisters were in heat at the same time, and no, they weren’t fixed because I WAS in an apartment and they were never let out, but as soon as I moved to a house and they got the chance to dash outside, Mavis went and got herself knocked up. Immediately. Hazel? No. I can imagine her skulking around the neighborhood. Male cats trying to approach her and her hissing at them, “I wish a mother fucker would.” I can’t imagine her ever letting a dude near her. Can cats be lesbians? Asexual?

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  11. Apparently the company I work for has blocked this blog. Oh my angst.

    And, gurllll, do I have a story to tell you.

    Lock Edz up while cattens eat?

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  12. The Toys for Tots antics are hilarious. I’d look forward to walking by that box multiple times a day to see what’s new on Sesame Street.

    Have fun at the company Christmas party.

    When voting for flooring or a dishwasher, I’d have to know what’s more important to you and whether or not the new flooring is pet-resistant. Since you first mentioned the dishwasher when yours went kaput, perhaps that would be your first choice, but it’s entirely up to you. See? I’m no help.

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  13. Do you have a lot of dirty dishes? I only ask because my son is going to college in the spring and once he leaves it’ll just be me in the house. I really can’t see myself having many dishes. Maybe one plate a day? I reuse my coffee mug a time or two. Anyway, I had my kitchen redone three years ago and the joy I get looking at it far outways doing a few dishes. Getting the new floor, something you love, will make you happy every time you walk in the room. Plus, dishwashers aren’t too expensive so maybe you can get that next time you’re ballin.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Extra MONEY! Woo Hoo! I liked what Texas Kari said up there…get the dishwasher, and take your time figuring out the floor. But I also liked what Megan (who I’m under) had to say…so. I guess I am like Sadie. I’m not any help at all!

    I know you will have a blast at your Christmas party! Nobody to distract you from the fun.

    Lovely post, lovely June!

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  15. So thrilled to hear that you are rolling in the dough!!

    A dishwasher AND flooring!

    Dishwashers are pretty cheap, here’s one that’s $300:
    https://www.bestbuy.com/site/whirlpool-24-tall-tub-built-in-dishwasher-monochromatic-stainless-steel/8561015.p?skuId=8561015

    Then I personally would go with Marmoleum – it’s the original linoleum before the chemical companies made linoleum plastic. It’s interesting that another person said they thought it was stinky because true marmoleum is made from linseed.

    FYI, when I bought my latest dishwasher, I chose the cheapest one that had a stainless exterior (I got it for $250!). When the installers came I made a joke that they probably hadn’t installed something so cheap in a long time, they chuckled and said actually that based on the service calls they make, the cheap ones are the way to go, they never get calls. Then they told me about one that they had installed 6 months prior that was super expensive and they were out to the house every 2 weeks because it was constantly breaking. Also, I bought it from Best Buy and I negotiated with them that I would get free delivery & install (they wanted to charge me because I wasn’t spending the minimum purchase of $400 for free install), as long as I bought the 3-year warranty. This cheap-o dishwasher is going on 7 years and no problems (now that I’ve typed that, I’ve surely been cursed by the appliance gods!)

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    1. I can totally believe that’s true about the cheap ones not needing service. My ex and I have a friend who was Mgr of Service for a high-end appliance co. in this area for many years. He does training with his techs on all the new appliance models, and when they’re done with the training, the appliance they worked on can’t be sold, so he is free to just give it away to whomever. Every one of his close friends and family had brand new kitchen appliances! He gave us this amazing stove/oven that was beautiful. It had dings and whistles I’ve never even heard of and sold retail for thousand of dollars. It was all touch screen. It also threw major error codes and shut itself down all the time. You couldn’t even bake for more than 45 min without an error code that would lock up the whole thing. We finally got so frustrated after having it serviced so many times and replacing all the computer boards in it and it still didn’t work, that we ended up throwing that beautiful stove out and bought another muuuuch cheaper one about 6 years ago. Haven’t had one service problem with it since then. I think the fancier the model, the more things there are to go wrong with it.

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  16. We have 3 cats who live in the house full-time, but my nephew’s girlfriend comes to stay with us every other weekend and brings along her cute-as-a-button Cairn Terrier, Garvin. Garvin thinks the dry cat food is the food of the gods, and we have to keep an eye on him, or he will eat every piece out of the bowls. He still sneaks his way upstairs and eats it whenever somebody takes an eye off him for 2 minutes. Garvin has gained quite a big of weight since my nephew’s gf started staying in our house.

    Of course, Garvin also thinks cat poop out of the litter box is dessert of the gods, so I don’t think he’s a real good judge of good food.

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  17. I put my cat’s food at the top of the cat tree climber thing because he got a kidney infection when he was young. And at some point One of your cats had some kind of similar infection and the doctor said they needed to climb or jump or whatever…so I just followed your vet’s advice and he’s eaten there ever since!

    Like

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