Brought to you by Hudson’s cosmetic counter

I blogged yesterday, and included my end-of-the-year video along with a few photos of gifts I’ve gotten recently that I don’t know who sent. So scroll down when you’re done here for

MORE

RIVETING

JUNE.

Also, yesterday I bought makeup. I KNOW!!

I have always been a makeup person. My grandmother had a vanity covered in lipsticks and powders and “creme” eye shadows that were stupid. Really, there is nothing more stupid than creme eye shadow. Hey, color that smears off in minutes! What a genius idea!

I realize, in retrospect, that most of those perfumes and mascaras and so on were left over from the various women who’d lived at gramma’s: my mother, my aunt, my uncle’s wives, or girlfriends who hung around a lot. This gave me a magnificent array from which to choose. Pale blue eye shadow left there in 1969, or the burnt-orange lip cream in a pot some feminist hooker had forgotten in 1972?

That is the only person I can think of who’d wear orange lip cream in a pot, which I distinctly recall being one of my selections. I also remember a lipstick I really liked, kind of an iridescent one called Moonglow. I liked the name, and also it looked fabulous on my seven-year-old lips.

By the time I’d finished at gramma’s vanity, I was the template for Jon-Benet Ramsey.

They were an odd family, the -Benet Ramseys.

Anyway. The moment I had any money whatsoever, like, if I earned $2 babysitting, I’d scream over to the glamorous Sears cosmetic counter and get, oh, a Bonnie Bell Lip Smacker, or a Max Factor face mask. Nothing but the best for me.

There was also a drug store I’d frequent, and admire the lip glosses in rectangular tins, the Ten-O-Six lotion, the Love’s Rain Scent.

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The good news is, my city got a fancy Hudson’s at some point, and I realized there was more to life: Halston nail polish, and Clinique, and OH MY GOD I WAS TRANSFIGURED.

Also, I am not making it up that Halston had nail polish, for a brief sojourn, there, in maybe the late ’70s/early ’80s, aka THE BEST YEARS EVER despite the fact that I looked like a man. A man who wore makeup. I was Victor/Victoria, brought to you by Hudson’s cosmetic counter.

However, I can’t for the life of me find a sample of it. It had a heart-shaped top.

77fa20bdf47578aa9f2ae7625bd2d7ee.jpgOh thank god. I’m not crazy. Also, this is a terrible ad. Hey, don’t show the product.

I was friends with this terrible girl, who was way richer than me, in like 8th and 9th grades. She had this really lovely turn-of-the-century house and her parents were still married, and everything. And yet she insisted I shoplift one of those nail polishes from the sample counter. I kept saying no, so finally SHE took it and gave it to me after. I always felt bad using it.

She was an odd duck, that one, and had very bad hair.

Continuing on, says Pot. Hey, odd/weird hair, you’re black!

Once I married Marvin, and we had some money, some moola, some cash flow (not much, but enough), and I was living in FREAKING LA, I could not even with all my makeup choices. There were high-end boutiques that sold all the never-heard-of-it shit you read about in Elle. There were FREESTANDING MAC stores. There were department store cosmetic counters to fucking die for.

I proofread for this one company for years–still freelance for them, in fact. They paid me for my commute so I’d keep working for them, because trust me, that commute was a bitch. So I’d walk in having already earned a big $20. Then, if there was a lot of work, I’d always stay late, and we had an agreement that if there was nothing, I could go.

Some days I got to leave at 10:30 a.m.! Not often, but maybe once every few months. I was already over there on the highfalutin’ side of town, and was gonna get paid $20 for driving there and $20 for driving back, so on days I got out early, I’d go shopping in Santa Monica or Beverly Hills and even now, the thought of the really good makeup I bought makes me all screamy.

Then I got divorced and poor.

For the last six years, I’ve mostly bought my makeup at the grocery store. Since I love cosmetics so much, I’ve read up on what’s good for cheap, and I’ve made do.

This year, I’ve freelanced like a demon, and yesterday I went to Belk and Sephora and shopped for cosmetics, giving myself a dollar limit and a list of good stuff I wanted to try. It was like the best day ever. Wedding day schmedding day.

Below are (sit down) Amazon links to what I bought. Also, someone recently told me they “don’t understand how” to shop my links.

There will be a photo that I will tell you, hey, this is a link to Amazon. Click it. You’re on Amazon. Buy anything at all.

That’s it. That’s the whole process.

So, hey, below is a link to Amazon…

I got a sample of this stuff. I also got a sample of…

(Say, June, is that also a link to Amazon? YES!)

Then I actually went to town and PURCHASED that big tray of Clinique Chubby Sticks that I admired, which I am sad to tell you does not come as an Amazon link, probably because it’s an on-sale-now, limited-time, Christmas thing.

IMG_E2398.JPGI was really excited about it, but you know what? The consistency of them is weird. They’re very waxy and just barely go on. I’ve had that problem with Clinique in the past–the eye shadows, it’s like you’re playing house. NOTHING GOES ON. Same with some of the eye pencils.

Stop being so fucking hypoallergenic and just get on me.

Here, above, is another Amazon link to the concealer I bought. I covered my weapon with it.

And finally, people are forever droning on about Diorshow mascara. Remember that year Obama’s State of the Union was only about Diorshow? I’ve tried it before and was all, eh. Yesterday I noted in the checkout that they had different iterations of Diorshow, so I tried the volume extra hold the phone Hoda Kotb wow lookie there kind, put it on in the car because I’m a freak and

HOLY CATS

that stuff is magnificent. I looked like a fuckin’ drag queen, my lashes were so long. From now on, the only show for me is a Dior show.

So that’s it. Oh! No. That’s not it.

I always wear Bobbi Brown eye shadow in Gray, which apparently Amazon doesn’t have a link for, they just have links for Bobbi Brown palettes, and GOD, Amazon. I like how they had links for every other freaking thing and I get all mad about this. Anyway, I got me some new Gray, because I am riveting.

IMG_2400.jpgBehold a photo of me yesterday with day seven on a migraine, no foundation, that DiorShow mascara and one of my chubby sticks in something-or-other caramel.

Wow, June. Now I’m inspired. You’re a dream.

Okay, I gotta go. It’s been lovely talking makeup with you, and you know what I always say…

Fuck natural.

45 thoughts on “Brought to you by Hudson’s cosmetic counter

  1. Oh how I love this! Makeup is one of my favorite things too! Your descriptions of makeup shopping in Beverly Hills gave me a chubby, as a male friend used to say. If we of the female persuasion could have them. Another friend used to call cute guys “what a crotch throb”… but I digress as usual. Sorry. Makeup shopping is pure heaven. I am glad you enjoyed it. I bar myself from Ulta when things are tight because it’s way too easy to drop a hunder bucks in the blink of an eye there for me. I agree, fuck natural!

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  2. Make up is so much fun. I had make up and jewelry at my grandmother’s left by my aunts. “…it looked fabulous on my seven-year-old lips.” This cracked me up, then the next paragraph! “By the time I’d finished at gramma’s vanity, I was the template for Jon-Benet Ramsey.” Snort! Flump!

    Loved this post.

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  3. I’m not a fan of the chubby sticks either. They stay on for about 2.7 seconds. I’m all about the put it on once and it stays all day stuff. I’ve tried low-end and high-end lipsticks and keep going back to Revlon Colorstay. It’s more a thing about the color than the brand. Stila and MAC never seem to have a shade that I like. Same with mascara. I still swear by Maybelline waterproof mascara. I do spend more on Clinique foundation and powder, because I think you can see a difference. Also Bobbi Brown eyeshadow in Blonde and love the Anastasia line of brow stuff. So it’s a mix of drugstore and better brands for me.

    “Fuck natural” is right! I look washed out and splotchy and rosacea-y natural. Who the hell wants to look like that?

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  4. I get it now. When you said you were giving yourself a dollar limit, I took you literally. Wondered what in the hell you could buy for a dollar. I’ve wanted to try the DiorShow mascara for years, but, alas, I’m too cheap. Dior lipstick or gloss or something is also supposed to be the bomb. Can I say that?

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  5. I swear by Loreal eyeshadow, the pink and green Maybelline mascara, and Revlon lipstick. I’ve tried Clinique mascara, blush, chubby sticks, and none of it stays on, or is very minimal in color, so why does everyone love it? My poor eyelashes have gotten shorter and more sparse lately so I need to try the Dior!

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  6. They brought back those lip balms in the tins this year and I ordered them for all my 50 year old girlfriends for Christmas! (Keeping the watermelon for myself)

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  7. And that ever-popular Black Honey or whatever it’s called Clinique lipstick that supposedly looks good on everyone? Nope. Can’t wear it, and I’ve tried several times. It goes on all splotchy on me.

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  8. Am I the only pervert that thinks the Halston perfume bottles look like “personal massagers”? I never knew anyone who used those on their tired, sore shoulders.

    I loved Bonne Belle Lipsmackers and would buy one whenever I saved enough money. My favorites were Coconut Pineapple and Dr. Pepper. I remember they were $2.50 plus tax in 1977. Which is the same as $10.37 today. No, I would not pay $10.37 for a Lipsmacker today. I do pay a lot for eyebrow pencil (Anastasia) and foundation (Mary Kay) but I’m happy with Cover Girl for eyeshadow and Burt’s Bees is as fancy as I get for lip stuff.

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  9. Glad you got to reward yourself with makeup. You may have missed the Christmas party, but you got to play with makeup just like your seven-year-old self at your grandmother’s house.

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  10. That horrible brick blush and lipstick was THE color in 1978 or 1979. I bought it from Estee Lauder at John Wannamker’s, Philadelphia’s fancy shmancy department store. The color was all wrong for me and I look sallow in it but who knew about that at 19 or 20 years old? Not me.

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  11. Do you like the Double Wear? Everyone raves about it. That and the newer water one. I forget what it’s really called. I was going to try the secret camouflage, is that the one you bought? But then Wayne Goss and Lisa Eldridge both said don’t use it under the eyes, it’s too heavy. I just want to rid myself of these dark circles.

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  12. I really needed this post. I have put all of my spare money towards lash extensions for the last I don’t know how many years, but I got sick of being poor. I just quit a couple of weeks ago and I need some serious mascara action. Checking out Diorshow today!

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  13. “Stop being so fucking hypoallergenic and just get on me.“ That’s what SHE said…

    Lovely post, though this was totally outside my wheelhouse, as evidenced by my lazy-ass haggy features.

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  14. I use the Clinique Chubby Stick Baby Tint 03 budding blossom as a luxurious lip balm over lipstick to smooth it out and make it shimmer. They also have a Chubby Mascara line that’s great but I haven’t tried Diorshow yet (and will now). Interesting word choice for beauty products. Chubby.

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  15. Oh, I always love your posts about makeup!! I hope your head feels better very soon. Dang, the getting paid to travel gig sounds amazing!!

    I agree about Clinique. I realized in high school that I am not a Clinique girl. My best friend and I scheduled our prom make up to be done at the Clinique counter at our local Belks (yes, plural for those of you who live in the south and say singular Belk). After the lady finished our make up, I gazed excitedly in the mirror to see how it looked. My heart sank as realized it didn’t even look like I was wearing anything. I looked exactly the same as when I’d walked in. As we were leaving, my best friend and I looked over and saw some girls we didn’t like all that much who were over at the Estee Lauder counter getting their prom make up done. I wistfully noted that I loved how their make up looked because it was loud and vibrant. Never again, Clinique. Never again.

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  16. Yesterday one of my closest friends had a party and she asked me to get there early because I was bringing some food and we like to yap before 87 other people arrive. Her other friend was there doing her makeup. A professional makeup artist who used to be the lead artist in charge for L’Oreal. She said, “Anne, would you like me to show you how to apply individual false lashes?” And I could not sit myself down fast enough. Then we were late for the party we were already at because we holed up in the bathroom playing with a contouring kit.

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  17. I remember getting my babysitting money and driving to May Company. It was the only place I could get my Revlon blush. Yes. I’m old. I wish they still made that color.
    I recently bought Lancôme mascara on the recommendation of the sales associate. Took it back the next day. Bought Tarte and I’m happy as a clam.
    And, also too, don’t faint. My fifty four year old self usually goes out with just mascara and blush unless it’s a special occasion.

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  18. Pity about the waxy stubby Chubbies. Maybe if you warm them up for a minute? In your hand, warm water, your toaster, something like that.

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    1. June has the Hello Kitty toaster oven, I think. Imagined an image of waxy chubby Hello Kitty-imprinted lip sticks. Maybe if these were melted down into Hello Kitty molds they would apply better.

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  19. Make up post!! This time of year they are practically paying you to buy the good stuff and they throw in $347 worth of free lovely items with purchase! So much fun.

    I have certain companies that I love certain products. I love love love Chanel blush, eye shadow and lipsticks. I love Estee Lauder lipsticks. I am currently loving my new Younique foundation. I know, the Younique people are all about the mascara but that foundation is a dream. I have had Mary Kay lipsticks that I thought would rip my lips off they were so dry.

    Nothing better than playing in Grandma’s makeup or jewelry box.

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  20. I find this post more hilarious than I expected given I know very little about makeup. My daughters are adults now, so they teach me some. I wore lipstick like twice in my life. I don’t like the way it feels – like I have wax lips on or something.

    This:

    Stop being so fucking hypoallergenic and just get on me.

    Please and pretty please have your friend that cross stitches samplers use this phrase on one.

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  21. Nothing compares to Chanel foundation for me. I’ve been using it for years and haven’t found anything that works as well for me. I found a very nice L’Oreal lipstick at the grocery store last week. It has become my favorite for now.

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  22. As somebody who used to spend way too much money on things I ended up hating once I got them home, and then started working from home and hardly ever wearing makeup, I love reading what other women like, especially if you’re older! Would like to have a small amount of stuff that works well.

    PS – I used to have bright (not burnt) orange lip gloss in junior high that matched my orange patent leather purse and Mary Jane little-girl style shoes- very fashionable back then. Ha.

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  23. I have been using Lancome mascara, since I decided I’m worth it. But it gets so crumby, it does go on better than the cheap stuff I was using because: poor. I just might gander at the Diorshow. Maybe for my very own stocking?

    I am glad that you got a chance to spoil yourself and play!

    Lovely post, lovely June!

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  24. Thanks for that mascara recommendation! I’m always looking for a great one ’cause I got no lashes. And I’m shopping through your link so get ready for cash to rain down on your head.

    Nice job, Coot.

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    1. I use Maybelline Volum’ (really? Could we just put the “e” instead of using an apostrophe? It doesn’t shorten the word at all) Express The Falsies Mascara waterproof (the purple one) . Have used it for years. I try new brands and always go back to this one. I have trouble with a lot of mascaras because they’ll flake in my eyes and totally hose my contacts up. But this one doesn’t. I am pretty lucky to have relatively long and full lashes still, so I don’t know if it’ll make a mountain out of a molehill, but I love that it makes my lashes really thick, stays on forever and doesn’t flake or smear.

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  25. Hilarious post. I have such a mish mosh of makeup… cheapo to Chubbo. I do need ( oh hell, WANT) to go to a real department store makeup counter soon. When I get out of the hospital… in for a cardiac cath and 😬😬😬

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  26. I bookmarked your Amazon link a while back so I can shop exclusively (fancy) via June. I hope it’s working, even though I know you don’t see the money right away, because I’ve been shopping like a lunatic the last few weeks (some of it was definitely make-up and hair products; getting old means you need more help!).

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