Kelsy Preeze

This sums up my current online-dating situation: I just read a profile where the person wrote, “I really enjoy a battle of Whits.”

Oh, honey. I have already won that battle.

I am writing to you on Tuesday night, because my coworker Ryan asked me to pick him up tomorrow morning at the oil change place and drive him into work. He wants to meet at 8:15, and because I am a magnificent person, I did not tell him that I usually get to work at 9:00.

So now I will not only be doing a good deed for a fellow coworker, but also coming to work early. Smell me.

I didn’t go to work today, although I ended up working. I have been in a long streak of migraines. I think today is day 10. It sucks. My doctor put me on a new medication that I will start tomorrow morning.

I woke up last night at about 1:44 AM. Do you like how I said “about,” and then I list a ludicrously specific time? I woke up last night at approximately 1:44:16 AM.

Anyway, did I ever have a migraine. Oh, it was a bad one. It was the kind where I was moaning out loud. And not in the good way.

Edsel, of course, was worried sick and just wanted to lie in the bed with me. I let him, and then at some point in the night, because I never really slept again all night, Steely Dan started meowing at the door.

I lock him out of the bedroom at night because of course he eats all the clothes. As cats are wont to do. Wait, you mean all cats are not wont to do that? Are you saying I have one of the weird cats? Kelsey Preez.

Goddamnit phone. Kelso Preez. Oh for god’s sake. “What a surprise,” is what I was trying to say, in French. I guess you can’t speak French into this phone.

My point is, SD was pretty OK sleeping with me, except he is a headbutting cat. And he gets his stupid wet nose on your sick face. Sometime around dawn, he started gleefully pouncing on my stomach, and that is when I threw his solid-gray ass out the door.

Anyway, people kept sending me work all day, so eventually I got up in all my glory and drove to work and did a little bit of work. Say work one more time.

I told work (hah) that I was only counting this as half a sick day.

A weird thing happened, though. I was in so much agony, that at some point in the middle of the night I started praying. Sometimes I do that when I’m completely desperate. I’m sure God is not sick of me or anything. “Oh look, thy be Karen, asking for thou help when thou be desperate.”

Come back soon for more God speak.

Anyway, I was asking for relief from my agony, which I didn’t really get, but then all of a sudden, Ned’s cousin popped into my head. I’m not really speaking to Ned, but I know his cousin has been very sick for a few years now. Does anyone remember when Ned and I went to a going away party for a bladder? That was his cousin. He had bladder cancer.

Anyway, in the middle of the night last night I asked God to relieve Ned’s cousin’s suffering, because I was thinking about how sure, a migraine fucking hurts, but at least I don’t have cancer.

Then? Ned emailed me that his cousin died early this morning.


But none of this is why I gathered you here today. I gathered you here today to tell you about how I discovered that I am pretty much an asshole. Kelsey Preez.

Goddammit. QUEL SUPRISE, you fucking phone. This fucking phone is a moron. This fucking phone on a date that guy who wants to have a battle of Whits.

Remember that time one of us got so mad, because we saw someone on Facebook offering kudos, but she spelled it koodles?

Oh my god anyway. The other night, I was walking Edsel, and it was like dog-in-the-yard fest in my neighborhood or something. There were so many goddamn loose dogs. It was a lovely night, and I guess people thought, “I guess I’ll take m’dog, Kelsey Preez, out in the yard with me. Yeehaw.”

It was ridiculous. And I kept getting sweaty thinking of some dog meandering out of its yard and over to us, where Edsel would summarily kill it. At one point, I was on the corner in Winslow Arizona, and there was literally nowhere for me to go that I would not pass a dog free in the yard. I was so fucking pissed off by the time I got home.

So that is when I angrily got online and looked up the leash laws for Greensboro, North Carolina.

I was so going to look up those laws, and then get on my next-door app and give people a piece of my mind. That’s what I was going to do, dammit. Boy, would they be sorry.

So, very smugly, I looked up the laws, only to discover that letting your cats loose in Greensboro is against the law.


Then I discovered that dogs can be off leash in their own yard. What the fuck?

THEN, I discovered that if any dog has bitten a dog or human, that dog can be taken away from you. So, basically, that night Edsel slipped out of his collar and went over and bit that poor old dog? Those people could’ve called the police and had Edsel taken to jail. He would’ve had a happy new year, in jail.

And that is when I stopped looking at that website. Stupid laws.

Ima go, and lie here with my migraine hangover, and talk at you later.

Love, Kelsy

48 thoughts on “Kelsy Preeze

  1. I was reading an article about menopause yesterday and it stated that excessive migraines are part of the whole change-of-life thingy. Not sure where you are on that spectrum, but they did say that most people who have migraines are over them by the age of 60. I know you are a long way from that, but maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel??? I so hate to hear you are suffering from them so often. I can’t imagine it at all.


  2. My ex used to “walk” the dog, this entailed letting the dog roam free while he was on his phone talking to women (I found out later). The dog pooped all over the neighborhood. It took me almost 2 years for those neighbors to stop hating me and my dog. They finally realized I was responsible and always kept him on leash. And the jerk was gone.


  3. I got shivers. I’m sorry the migraines are so unrelenting. I hope you find relief. I watched my dad struggle for years.

    BTW, I think it’s “quelle surprise”.


  4. Pain that makes you moan out loud is the worst. I hope you get relief soon, I can not imagine enduring a headache that long.
    I hate off leash dogs too. My husband will do it with our dogs sometimes and I despise it. I rip him a new one. They have behaved so far, but I don’t trust it at all!


  5. Pain that makes you moan out loud is the worst. I hope you get relief soon, I can not imagine enduring a headache that long.


  6. Kelsey Preez reminds me that I looked up a recipe for candy the other day and found one from Emma, my surrogate granddaughter. It was for chocolate covered pretzels. I’ve had it for a few years, so she was probably in middle school when she gave this to me. At the end of the recipe was the word “Wella”. I realized she was intending to say voila! Cute.


    1. We got an email from our IT department that ended with “Wala!” Took me a minute. Not so cute when they are well paid professionals!


  7. Joob, the picture at the top of this page is my favoritistististist picture ever. That is how much I love it, I am risking a flying liver smacking into my big fat head (it’s a large target, seriously) by adding extra ists onto favorite just so you know how much I love it.

    You’re so pretty, Coot.


  8. Migraines, get the gone and quit hurting June! Hope that does the trick along the new meds to finally give you relief.

    May Ned’s cousin’s family find comfort and peace in knowing he is no longer suffering.

    On a lighter note, we watched It’s a Wonderful Life last night and I shared some of your favorite movie quotes with Mr. Sadie. Happy New Year, in jail!


  9. I’m so sorry you hurt. I’ve had those migraines and have prayed to die. Under “not advice”, I have been using Migraine Stop, a medicine that I found on the internet, because desperate! It’s basically magnesium and some other vitamin. And it appears to work.


  10. I hope your headache is better today and the new meds help. I’ll pray for you, don’t worry about praying for me, I’ll pass on that. So sorry about Ned’s cousin, sympathy to him and his family.

    How are you suppose to keep a dog off a leash in their yard? What kind of logic is that?! I hate ear cropping and declawing. Both are so cruel.


    1. Our dogs never leave the yard. They will bark the shit out of you as you walk past, but they won’t go after anyone. But since we know that it’s impossible for anyone ELSE to know they won’t put up chase, we hardly ever let them go out front with us. It’s always scary to walk past a barking dog and wonder what might be about to happen. And also I am fully aware that another dog could certainly come into the yard and murder either one of them, so for everyone’s benefit they stay in our fenced back yard.


  11. Oh, June, I’m sorry about your suffering headaches, but I’m not going to pray for you. Hope the new elixir is exactly what you need and you find relief in a heartbeat. I am not a fan of loose dogs, either, and that is one reason I don’t walk my dogs. There are some scary-looking ones in my ‘hood. Also too and furthermore, I was at the vet yesterday and met a beautiful 14-week-old Doberman who was there for ear-cropping. That has upset me so much I actually woke up in the middle of the night thinking about it.


  12. And then when readers start dying, you can gain a whole new sect of Charlie Manson fan type reader. You will get famous.


  13. Terrie, that’s hilarious and so true. Don’t pray for me either. I have a friend who has dreams of people and they die. I hope she never dreams of me. Migraines suck, phenergan is my friend when its really bad and helps tremendously.


  14. Very nice post, Coot. Please do not pray for me, even though I might be suffering. Thank you. I am more scared of your pagan prayer than your flying liver.


  15. Your oil change favor for Ryan reminded me that it’s the annual Good Deed time on this here blog. You are kicking it off with a great one!
    Good deed + answered prayer = headache relief (Surely! I mean, that’s only fair, righhht?!)


  16. Now that I know SD is a head-butter, I am more convinced than ever that he is my Buster reincarnated. He looks just like him except with a little shorter hair. Everything he does reminds me so much of Buster. The only difference is that Buster was a little more loyal to me and not quite so neighborhood friendly. Sorry about your headache. I have had the moaning headaches and they suck.


  17. As long as I’ve read your blog I cannot remember you calling out to God. Have you had other premonitions? Wondering if there is a connection? Maybe your brain is tuned into other spirtual things.

    This is a horrible stretch. I hope you find relief.


  18. So sorry to hear about your migraine.

    Even through all the pain, you made me laugh out loud so many times with this post.


  19. June, your prayer was very sweet and Ned’s cousin is no longer suffering. Whether the two things actually have anything to do with each other, or if it was just a coincidence, I wouldn’t know. One thing in this life I have learned, there are worse things than death. Such as “living” with advanced cancer. May he rest in peace.

    And dear June, may you have a restful night and wake with zero migraine.


  20. Kelsey Preez that SD is a headbutter and a cold nose on facer. My Olivia likes to come up on the bed in the middle of the night and put her cold nose on the back of my neck. Then I have to scrape myself off the ceiling.

    I join everyone in the off-leash dog hate. I get so mad when I’m taking a walk around town and everybody’s dog charges across their yard into the street like they’re going to come bite my leg off. I think dogs should only be allowed to be off a leash outside if they are in a completely fenced in yard.

    Koodles over the good story, Coot. Hope your hurting head gets less hurty. I can’t imagine having my head hurt for 10 days straight! That’s just awful.


  21. Maybe you could pray for peace for all the nitwHits on dating sites!

    (funny thing, “nitwhits” is caught by spell check but not “nitWHITS” – I wonder if spell check is recognizing one of your favorite things, words within words, as correct?!)


  22. Kelsey Preez!

    I don’t know WTF with the migraines lately… I’m on day 4 and pretty much want to die. Which is compounded by hearing news about our government.


  23. I’m so sorry you are suffering and to such an extent that you moan. Suffering moans are sad. Peace be upon Ned’s cousin. And upon your dear head.

    And I’m with Megsie up there. I don’t usually check in at about 11:01 PM and find a post. Blessings on you for all kinds of reasons.


  24. Why the eff do you hafta mess with June’s head again, migraine.
    Yeah I’m talkin’ to you, you effer.
    Begone already.
    Instead of thoughts and prayers I thought I’d try this. Who knows, it might actually work.
    Hope you feel better soon, Coot.


  25. So sorry about your headache…hoping news meds help!

    Unleashed dogs INFURIATE (!) me. Who knew it was a-okay as long as “they’re in their own yard”?


  26. Dear Kelsey,
    I don’t know why I checked in here when usually it is NOT so hopping after dark, but lo and behold here you are!

    I cannot imagine having a migraine for as long as you have nursed this one. I am sending you healing thoughts and hopefully the new medicine will do some magic.

    I have an early breakfast tomorrow, before work. Why? Why before work? This is why I am exhausted all the time. I am wanting to go to bed now, but I told students to email me before 9:00 so I can have one more look at their drafts. A glutton for punishment is what I am. I am also procrastinating all the grading. This is why I am so chatty.

    Feel better, Coot.


    1. You’re psychic! Also, I failed to mention, this is the third time in my life that that has happened to me. Where I’ve prayed about someone suffering and I find out that they died that same day.


      Liked by 1 person

      1. So–this means that YOU’RE psychic. I have also felt the Grim approach. But I never really know that it is the Grim…until…you know. It has happened twice to me.


  27. Please remind me to never ask you to pray to relieve my suffering. Holy hell June – have you got a hotline to the Big Guy or what?

    I am so sorry about your constant head pain – I cannot even imagine how difficult that must be to live with.

    Now Imma forget I read this post so I have something to look forward to in the morning!


      1. As predicted – here I am! Completely forgot! “A mind is a terrible thing to lose. -Dan Quayle”


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