This sums up my current online-dating situation: I just read a profile where the person wrote, “I really enjoy a battle of Whits.”
Oh, honey. I have already won that battle.
I am writing to you on Tuesday night, because my coworker Ryan asked me to pick him up tomorrow morning at the oil change place and drive him into work. He wants to meet at 8:15, and because I am a magnificent person, I did not tell him that I usually get to work at 9:00.
So now I will not only be doing a good deed for a fellow coworker, but also coming to work early. Smell me.
I didn’t go to work today, although I ended up working. I have been in a long streak of migraines. I think today is day 10. It sucks. My doctor put me on a new medication that I will start tomorrow morning.
I woke up last night at about 1:44 AM. Do you like how I said “about,” and then I list a ludicrously specific time? I woke up last night at approximately 1:44:16 AM.
Anyway, did I ever have a migraine. Oh, it was a bad one. It was the kind where I was moaning out loud. And not in the good way.
Edsel, of course, was worried sick and just wanted to lie in the bed with me. I let him, and then at some point in the night, because I never really slept again all night, Steely Dan started meowing at the door.
I lock him out of the bedroom at night because of course he eats all the clothes. As cats are wont to do. Wait, you mean all cats are not wont to do that? Are you saying I have one of the weird cats? Kelsey Preez.
Goddamnit phone. Kelso Preez. Oh for god’s sake. “What a surprise,” is what I was trying to say, in French. I guess you can’t speak French into this phone.
My point is, SD was pretty OK sleeping with me, except he is a headbutting cat. And he gets his stupid wet nose on your sick face. Sometime around dawn, he started gleefully pouncing on my stomach, and that is when I threw his solid-gray ass out the door.
Anyway, people kept sending me work all day, so eventually I got up in all my glory and drove to work and did a little bit of work. Say work one more time.
I told work (hah) that I was only counting this as half a sick day.
A weird thing happened, though. I was in so much agony, that at some point in the middle of the night I started praying. Sometimes I do that when I’m completely desperate. I’m sure God is not sick of me or anything. “Oh look, thy be Karen, asking for thou help when thou be desperate.”
Come back soon for more God speak.
Anyway, I was asking for relief from my agony, which I didn’t really get, but then all of a sudden, Ned’s cousin popped into my head. I’m not really speaking to Ned, but I know his cousin has been very sick for a few years now. Does anyone remember when Ned and I went to a going away party for a bladder? That was his cousin. He had bladder cancer.
Anyway, in the middle of the night last night I asked God to relieve Ned’s cousin’s suffering, because I was thinking about how sure, a migraine fucking hurts, but at least I don’t have cancer.
Then? Ned emailed me that his cousin died early this morning.
But none of this is why I gathered you here today. I gathered you here today to tell you about how I discovered that I am pretty much an asshole. Kelsey Preez.
Goddammit. QUEL SUPRISE, you fucking phone. This fucking phone is a moron. This fucking phone on a date that guy who wants to have a battle of Whits.
Remember that time one of us got so mad, because we saw someone on Facebook offering kudos, but she spelled it koodles?
Oh my god anyway. The other night, I was walking Edsel, and it was like dog-in-the-yard fest in my neighborhood or something. There were so many goddamn loose dogs. It was a lovely night, and I guess people thought, “I guess I’ll take m’dog, Kelsey Preez, out in the yard with me. Yeehaw.”
It was ridiculous. And I kept getting sweaty thinking of some dog meandering out of its yard and over to us, where Edsel would summarily kill it. At one point, I was on the corner in Winslow Arizona, and there was literally nowhere for me to go that I would not pass a dog free in the yard. I was so fucking pissed off by the time I got home.
So that is when I angrily got online and looked up the leash laws for Greensboro, North Carolina.
I was so going to look up those laws, and then get on my next-door app and give people a piece of my mind. That’s what I was going to do, dammit. Boy, would they be sorry.
So, very smugly, I looked up the laws, only to discover that letting your cats loose in Greensboro is against the law.
Then I discovered that dogs can be off leash in their own yard. What the fuck?
THEN, I discovered that if any dog has bitten a dog or human, that dog can be taken away from you. So, basically, that night Edsel slipped out of his collar and went over and bit that poor old dog? Those people could’ve called the police and had Edsel taken to jail. He would’ve had a happy new year, in jail.
And that is when I stopped looking at that website. Stupid laws.
Ima go, and lie here with my migraine hangover, and talk at you later.