Gettin’ above my richer raisin

If I spent as much time trying to cure world hunger as I did looking for tweezers, we’d all be trying to lose a few. The whole world. A worldwide, literal Whole 30.

Jesus.

And reading glasses. I’ll go into a room, and all that will be lying around will be real glasses. I don’t NEED real glasses. Already got in my contacts. I just need to see UP CLOSE GOD IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK.

Then the moment I need real glasses, all I’ll be able to find will be readers.

Also too? I have three pill bottles in my purse: m’Ritalin [heart emoji], my migraine meds, and my little-used nausea pills for when I have a bad migraine. Every day–EVERY DAY–I reach in there for the Ritalin and pull out the nausea meds. Every fucking day.

Last week, when I had the moan-aloud migraine, I hunched over nauseatedly to my purse to get out the nausea pills, and?

Pulled out the Ritalin.

There are a lot of goddammits in my house.

In other news, I called my old coworker TinaDoris, because she is forever posting on Instagram how she’s getting up at god’s half acre to work out at Pure Barre, and I realize “god’s half acre” doesn’t mean that. What are you, new here? And since no one sees me naked anymore, I have less incentive to work out, and all of a sudden I look like Ruth Buzzy. Who if I’m not mistaken was sort of thin. But I just mean I look old and like the meat is falling off the bone.

I figured if I worked out with someone, I might show up out of obligation.

After she got over the part where her phone actually rang (Dear Millennials: Get over it. It’s a phone. You spend $700 on a phone. It’s supposed to ring.), she told me the beginner classes were on Sunday morning and Thursdays at god’s half acre o’clock.

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behold.

So, Saturday night I went to bed early, and set the alarm for acre time, and whomever the asshole was who said, “Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise” never had Netflix when season two of The Crown was premiering.

But I actually got up, slipped on some sexy workout clothes with all m’hips, and crunched hippily out to the car.

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This is not me. It’s another hip-blessed female in this house.

It snowed here for more than 24 hours from Friday to Saturday, but then it melted, but then it froze up again Saturday night. This is why, as I grabbed my car’s door handle, nothing happened.

Nothing.

I mean, frozen motherfucker did not budge. “Oh, come ON,” I told myself. “Try harder.” I tugged and I pulled and I pulled and I tugged, and now my door handle and I are in a committed relationship, but I could not get into my car.

Goddammit,” I said, as I stomped back into the house. Then I had to call poor TinaDoris, who probably had her phone disconnected, what with all the jarring ringing it did that week.

But since I already had on a sports bra and everything, I ended up doing my Callanetics video, with that phony Call A Pickaxe or whatever her name is. Oh my god, that workout is hard. As opposed to the boilin’ bag of gravy that is my ass.

Remember boiling bags? My mother used to get them for me when I was in high school. They were fairly disgusting, but I ate them. You could get, like, chipped beef. Boil the whole bag, dump it out.

chippedbeef1.jpgI love how I’d eat that after school and THEN have dinner, and I weighed 110. Probably because I was so active then.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Anyway, further reports as developments warrant re Pure and its Barre. Maybe TinaDoris and I could just get up early and go to a bar.

In my hometown, back when everyone worked at the factory, and that factory was open 24 hours a day, the bars stayed open, too. So you could get off third shift at 7 a.m. and head to the bar.

Nice.

I have to go. I got assigned something at 10:30 last night, and a person I feel bad for is our traffic person, who assigns everybody everything. Anyway, the work looks pretty interesting, but lengthy. Like my dick.

I leave you with the following exciting news.

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As you know, because you follow my every move (except for no one ever remembering that I do, in fact, have a face in my tree. A face I nailed in myself. And covered ad nauseum on this not blog. But then every time I show a photo of that tree, I get, “I see a face, JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO–blargh.” That was when I shot the person)…

Anyway, as you know, since you follow my every move, I spent $50 on a tray full of chubby sticks, like my dick, and what I thought we would DO, because we are so whimsical here at house of Jooooooblargh, is I’d try on a new lipstick for you every day.

I KNOW!

Let’s try them from left to right.

Photo on 12-12-17 at 9.03 AM #2.jpgI took about 11 photos hoping my gray roots wouldn’t show and it turns out, hips don’t lie. Neither do cameras. Anyway, this is Richer Raisin, and I don’t like raisins, but this color isn’t bad. It doesn’t give me a chubby stick, but it’s okay.

Stay tuned for Fuller Fig tomorrow!!!!

Oh, Jooooo. How dull you are.

59 thoughts on “Gettin’ above my richer raisin

  1. I did read more than the first paragraph, however… I gave in & bought new tweezers last week, having hunted high & low, but mainly low, for ANY of my Nana whiskers depletion squad. Less than five minutes after returning back to my temporary home, I found two tweezerses. A small amount of metal hadn’t caused such outrage since Jackie was holding her husband’s brain in her hands.
    Energising notblog Joon.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. This IS a great comment. Also, I have Car Tweezers, and Purse Tweezers, and Home Tweezers. That seems to keep me set up pretty well so far.

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        1. Tina Fey, also possibly Greek, has said that her eyebrows, if left unchecked, will grow across her forehead and onto yours. I adore Tina Fey.

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  2. Great – now I want chipped beef and gravy on white toast for dinner! Of course the door was frozen on the weekend. My driver side door will freeze but I am usually able to get in the passenger side door and climb over – a lot of fun in a small car. Many years ago when I was still living with my parents I would go out on cold days and start my car in a bathrobe with my hair in a towel so that the car would be warm for the drive to work. One day the only way I could get in the car was to climb in through the hatchback, which of course shut after I climbed inside. Once I got in the car I could not get out! (In a bathrobe and wet hair on a freezing morning!). The doors were frozen shut and there was no way to open the hatchback from the inside. I honked the horn but nobody came. When the car finally warmed up enough for me to open the door I stormed in the house irate at my mom for not coming out and she scolded me for staying out in the cold for so long (In a bathrobe with wet hair!). I thought she would never understand that I was stuck in the car! It’s pretty funny now but it certainly was not at the time!

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  3. I TRIED to reply to monkleton with “Plonk…”, but effing WordPress said I’d already said that. Double post my ass. That’s what SHE said.

    Plonk…

    Also too, even though I’m a non-girly girl, I’m absolutely RIVETED by the test-driving of the chubbies. It’s like an advent calendar. The 18 days of lip! Falalalalalala!

    Lovely post.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Use June’s non-blog link to Amazon to make Christmas purchases and more. It’s at the end of the post unless we can get her to put one in the comments here. One way to thank her for her wonderful efforts in entertaining us.

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    1. I don’t know who this is, but thank you for reminding people! You’re a better salesperson than I am. Oh, and THANK YOU to the person who bought $800 worth of stuff yesterday! I’M RICH! I’M RICH RAISIN!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Just consider it my good deed for this Christmas.
        People just kept saying …oh I shopped amazon yesterday and forgot about linking through June. Help them , help you. Helpful.

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  5. I similarly bought many many things from Amazon via this here nutblog. OK. I see that’s wrong but I am not changing it. And I still have a few more things to go.

    In my quest to re-read your nutblog from the beginning, I am up to July of 2008. You are currently a vegetarian who eats a Sonic chili cheese dog at least once a week. This is better than when I went back and watched Friday Night Lights from the beginning. I mean I know how things end up, but you and Marvin (who you inexplicably called Margin for two or three posts) just celebrated 10 years of marriage. Which is remarkable after the onion bagel/honey walnut cream cheese debacle.

    Love this post June! You just keep getting better and better!

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    1. Oh my god. The walnut cream cheese. What I like about your trek through time is you are reminding me of things I forgot I hated about Margin. You are also furthering my new I-think-I-don’t-want-to-get-married idea.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Then I will not remind you that on your ten year and one week anniversary date you posted that you had won the man lottery when you married ole Marvin.

        Gotta go – Tallulah just got banned from the dog park. What’s June gonna do? Will Lu get dropped back off at the trailer park?

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  6. OMG I hear you about all the &*^%&*^$% medications. I went from a vitamin a day to four different prescriptions. Getting old sucks!

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  7. I have home tweezers, purse tweezers, and desk tweezers because one wall of my office is a window and with my desk magnifying mirror it is the perfect light to see my whiskers.

    Also, I too have suffered from the whatever I reach for is not what is coming out of my pocketbook syndrome. Makes me understand why my mom started organizing her handbag with baggies, right about the age I am now.

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    1. ME TOO! Also a special one for the car, because sometimes the light is JUST RIGHT.

      Ugh. Is electrolysis better? Do the whiskers ever just stop growing?

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  8. Okay, I want to know how those Chubby Sticks FEEL. Do they glide smoothly across your lips? I have bought lipsticks that seem to actually dry out my lips as I’m applying it or they seem to gum up. Which is probably why I just normally use Surface #30 SPF lip balm.

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  9. Oh my gosh, I’d forgotten about boiling bags! I loved those things! Turkey in gravy and Salisbury steak in gravy were my favorites. I guess they probably aren’t sold anymore. My husband had a stay at home mom, so he missed out on a lot of my processed, packaged childhood favorite foods. I feel sure he never had Sweet Sue chicken and dumplings or Dinty Moore beef stew.

    Lovely post, Coot.

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  10. You’re so pretty, June! I wish that I could wear lipstick. I end up looking slightly homicidal because it works it’s way off of my lips and ends up around my ears. I lack the girl ability to paint ma lips.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Your hair looks gorgeous and I snorted at the “once you go black” comments after the salon! Of course I hair envy you every day and three times on Sunday.

    Steely Dan is perfection to look at. That’s why he’s such a turd.

    I caved in and bought more tweezers when, after ours were missing (my just-turned 13 year old obsesses about his blonde unibrow and I think all our tweezers are in the abyss of his room, and hey, thanks, because my dark brows are where you got that stellar look like God smacked you upside the head when applying your brows) and then the old ones turned up. I should have bought five pair, just to be safe.

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  12. Your hair still looks amazing. Now I want to fly to NC and get my hair cut. And yes, I do go to a DevaCurl person here in CA, but your hair looks amazing!

    Rich Raisin does not look remotely like the color of raisin, but I think it is pretty on you. But the lighting in that picture was not the best. Can you take a few more pics in different lighting so that we can truly evaluate it?

    Why still single Juice? High maintenance much?

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  13. I have been skimping on the lip care and my lips are chapped and nasty. This makes me want to get them back in shape! I want to try those two colors, I wonder if they have them in regular lipsticks? That is the only lip product I like, though I do use gloss too on my stingy little mouth. It is ironic that someone who could talk the ears off the dead should have a small mouth, no? I mean moi.
    I am on a new eating plan/lifestyle change because my bloodsugar blood test (A1C) was horrific. I am MUCH snippier now. I need to go to the Supermarket. THIS should be interesting. I too am gifted mit hips. I hope this plan improves that situation in time.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. I just want to ask God, “WHY? Why the whiskers? Seriously, that is a mean sense of humor.” Mine seem to grow three feet over-night. I am always inspecting–and it is so embarrassing when a member of my family points out what has surely JUST SPROUTED. Ugh.

    I hate it when car doors freeze. We had rain and then snow and then cold, so I also experienced this joy. “I tugged and I pulled and I pulled and I tugged, and now my door handle and I are in a committed relationship, but I could not get into my car.” Hahahahaha!

    Lovely post, lovely June!

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Your wonderfully humorous writing skills notwithstanding, I doubt I will ever again take an interest in makeup. Been there, done that, now just want to splash water on my face and get out of the bathroom. I will say, however, that spending time putting on makeup and doing hair is something the body appreciates — it loves the attention and responds to it in a positive, appreciative way — and that is a good thing. This won’t make me put cosmetics on my face anymore though, or fuss with my hair. I just want to wash it and go. You’d think I have a busy life or something! Or maybe great natural beauty! Neither of these things are true. I think it’s just that finally, at age 58, I’m fine pretty much as I am. Morning hair and all! Droopy eyelids! Wrinkles! Turkey neck! Turtle chin! Silver hairs! Belly fat! Saggy tits! Yikes. Actually I have a lot of laughs nowadays when looking in the mirror — as opposed to a decade ago when I was mortified and felt like crying when I’d look too closely at myself. This gradual acceptance takes a long frickin’ time and it helps to avoid mirrors and photographs, because I’m still not totally there. But I figure I’d rather be an old lady and look like one, than be a dead lady. No old ladies look like young ladies, have you ever noticed? Not a one. Well maybe Cher and Jane Fonda, but plastic surgeons and botox appliers will never get the chance to help me fake my long-gone youthful appearance. They scare me. I’ll settle for looking healthy and fit, if indeed I do. Pfft.

    Your curlyish hair looks fabulous, and I am jealous. But too lazy and cheap to get some for myself from the hairstylist’s chair and then have to futz with it in the mornings. I can re-experience all this grooming vicariously, by reading your blog, without having to do a thing! You look great. Whatever you’re doing, keep it up.

    Signed,
    Straight-Haired Wash ‘n’ Wear Kate

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  16. Does this mean no one is enjoying Edsel’s afternoon at daycare? Because I’ve already told them to hand me that the Pyrenees instead of Eds when I come back tonight.

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    1. I clicked on that link post haste and somehow missed the big fella/gal. You may have a hard time switching them out. I’m already on a plane from Honolulu to steal that glorious mound of white fluff.

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      1. Danna, I hate to be the one to tell you, but I think June has a head start in making it to doggie daycare before your plane even lands.

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    2. Of course, I high-tailed it to your link to see Eds in all his daycare glory. Looks like he may be following some new friends. Either that, or he’s looking for Dexter (was that his name?).

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  17. This post and the comments are hilarious. Your hair is fabulous. If you don’t call attention to the gray roots I never notice them because your hair looks so fab. Am I allowed to say fab? Anyway, I have tweezers in the house, in my purse and in both cars, along with nail clippers. Actually, I have many more nail clippers than tweezers, because I never want to get caught without a pair after ripping one of my nails off and not having a pair available and unable to trim said ripped nail until the next day. I always pull the wrong set of car keys out of my purse and I’m halfway to the car before I realize I have the wrong set. I have been known to unfreeze the car door with the hair dryer. The raisin lipstick looks good.

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  18. @ Blondiblathers, (Guess who can’t reply becauase I forget my long ago password?)
    Turtle chin! I am dying. That is a new one on me. I don’t think I have it yet but I do have broken blood vessels there at 58, just like on my legs (spider veins). My sister who is sixteen months younger has them too. She said people probably think we are alcoholics. I blame mine on genetics (thanks mom) and chronic bronchitis/asthma. I would cough so hard I would see cartoon stars in fromt of my eyes, not really but those weird streaks? I want my vanity back on a daily basisis. It’s a sign of ending depression more than one counselor said.

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    1. I have a serious case of broken veins on my chin and it’s because of those strips, Biore I think they were called. Those strips were supposed to unclog your pores or something but when I used them, they literally damaged my skin as I was pulling them off.

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  19. I was blessed (thus far) with no whiskers on my face. But I was cursed with a ton of blonde hair on the sides of my face. I mean, my face looks like Portia de Rossi’s arms at the height of her anorexia on Ally McBeal, when the backlighting hit those knobby danglers. Recently, I had a laser treatment on my face in my quest for everlasting youth (didn’t work, save your money), and you could smell burning hair. That’s how much I had. Now I’m just waiting for it to grow back black and then I can join the circus and fulfill a lifelong dream of being under the big top.

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  20. I’ve been doing all my Amazon shopping through your seaglass bead link there and now Amazon thinks I LOVE seaglass. In all iterations and colors. sigh. I’m not the person who spent $800 in one day, but I’ve certainly contributed to the June Gets a New Dishwasher fund. Yay! Man, I adore shopping from the couch.
    I like your chubby stick! I think blondes look good in berry tones.
    Lovely post, June, Jooon, Jewn!

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  21. My ass is spread like the aroma of morning coffee over a slow fire.*

    * paraphrasing from The Secret Book of Frida Kahlo. It all comes back to Frida.

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  22. I too have tweezers a plenty but none to be found. My mother, gawdresthersoul, kept a pair of tweezers in her tampon holder so that my dad would not get them. He was notorious for stealing her tweezers and using them in the shop. I also have multiple pairs of readers in differing strengths. I can never find the 1.75 when I need them. All I find are the 3.5. Then when I need to pluck the hairs from my chin and need the 3.5 pair all I find are the 1.75 and no tweezers.

    Last week I went to Ms Ggyun and had my eyebrows threaded. She wanted to know if I wanted her to thread my whole face. I didn’t realize why she asked me that until I found my 3.5 glasses and looked in my 10X magnifying mirror at all the hair on my chiny chin chin.

    I have been Amazoning and using the link ever since I went on a spree last week and felt guilty because I didn’t use the link.

    Love the hair and the lips.

    Oh and NOW because of LISA I have to go back and re- read the blog/not blog.

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  23. My Maw had a mole on her chin that a hair grew out of. She had the mole removed, but the hair lives on. And on. And on.

    So there’s that to look forward to.

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  24. Apparently you CAN shave your womanly face with a razor and it’s a myth that the hair/whiskers grow back more or thicker.

    My facial hair is blond but these days I’m seeing this tiny moustache above my lips if the light shines on it just right. I only notice it once in a blue moon but when I do, I give it a couple swipes with a disposable razor. Works like the dickens.

    I still use the tweezers on my one lonely chin-whisker that appears a couple times a year, the sneaky little shit.

    -Kate

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  25. June, I’m too late catching up, but I have to say it: When you started with the exciting news and picture of your Chubby spectrum and then went to the subject of the tree face, I REALLY REALLY WANTED you to tell us you were going to paint the tree face’s lips a different color every day. Drat.

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    1. See. Why did you not think of this right away? It’d be like one of those big Barbie heads I always wanted and never got, the one you could put makeup on. Allegedly I would have gotten the pieces everywhere. I mean. Pfft. [Disclaimer: I totally would have gotten the pieces everywhere.]

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