Beauty products · Busy busy busy busy. Thank heavens for Angie's List. · Friends · June doesn't know any ugly people · Lottie = El Diablo

Drivin’ all the old men crazy.

A good part about how they’ve put me on multiple accounts at work is that I’ve gotten to know more coworkers who aren’t Griff. Also, I’ve gotten to know people I’ve worked with all these years, but rarely talked to because we weren’t on the same account.

It can get (ready?) siloed at work.

One of those corporate terms I love.

What they mean is everyone’s working on their own shit so you don’t talk. But they changed that up now, and I’m on three or four accounts at any given time, and yes, everything DOES come to me all at once and everyone needs everything immediately, but that’s not important right now.

What’s important is I’ve gotten to know people I didn’t know before, including a coworker who I will call

Oh my god.

I just ran her through the Random Name Generator, and they want me to call her Lottie Blanco, which I know is slightly confusing given that I had a dog named Lottie,

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She was delicious

but it’s such a marvelous name that I can’t help but use it.

So, my coworker, Lottie Blanco, is married to a woman with the same name. The Lottie Blanco I work with is a very down-to-earth-seeming person, at least compared to me, which does not set the bar high. Miss Piggy is more down-to-earth than me. But really, Lottie Blanco is the type who wanders over calmly and says, “Welp. I got 26 articles for you to read by 5:00” and then stands there emotionlessly, whereas I would deliver this news with a shaking hanky and a paper bag to breathe into.

The point is, she hates snakes. ALERT, FAITHFUL READER TEE. ALERT. SNAKE STORY.

Lottie Blanco and her wife Lottie Blanco live near some woods, and for awhile they had mice, despite having two very cute cats. I mean, really, they are extraordinarily cute–both blonde, one fluffier than the other. The fluffy one was wandering around skinny and homeless and looking like Ren when they got her. The point is, eventually the mice went away, and they were all, hunh. Well, good.

One afternoon my coworker Lottie Blanco was up in the attic, taking a box down for a yard sale they were gonna have, and when she lifted the box

A

GIANT

RAT

SNAKE

was curled up under it. According to my coworker Lottie Blanco, she actually managed to step on her wife Lottie Blanco’s HEAD while screaming and screeching out of the attic like a screaming screeching person.

And this is why I like working on different accounts.

The point is, and yes there is a point besides that stellar story, is yesterday Lottie Blanco The Snake Hater asked me to join a little team celebration at a downtown bar/arcade called Boxcar.

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June downtown. Driving all the old men crazy.

Everyone raves on about that place, but I never went, because what do I care about an arcade?

IMG_2627.JPGExcept nobody told me THERE WERE PINBALL MACHINES.

When I was a kid, we HAD a pinball machine. It was called Skipper, and my father bought it somewhere or other. Maybe at sea. Maybe from Gilligan. I just don’t know.

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This is a terrible picture of Skipper. Let me Google fucking it some more.

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It’s for identification only. It’s NOT part of the kit! I have no idea what that means.

The point is, I spent approximately 11,000 youthful hours in my basement, playing Skipper, and what I wouldn’t give to have that particular game back. Pinball machines were simpler then, as was life, other than that racism and sexism and homophobia stuff that has SO CLEARLY gone away now. Thank god that’s been cleared up.

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Photo credit: Lottie Blanco

Despite the fact that today’s pinball machine is now really dark and you can’t see where the goddamn ball is anymore, I took my complimentary tokens and played me some pinball for, oh, an hour and a half. Oh, how I love it.

And it all came back to me. I’d say “like riding a bike” except I don’t know how to ride a bike. But I won two free games, and I got the highest score of the week on one machine, and got to put m’name in!

I also summarily beat Lottie Blanco at air hockey. I did this by slipping into a snake costume when she wasn’t expecting it.

Hey, June, say “Lottie Blanco” one more time.

IMG_2632.jpgimg_2631.jpgI left downtown, as all the old men had been reported as 5150s, and on over to The Other Copy Editor’s bed and breakfast, where she was having her regular Wine Wednesday event, this time with a band that was apparently quite popular, seeing as I had to park on the corner of Rape and Mug and walk 200 miles. No one bothered me because I still had on m’snake suit.

IMG_E2647.JPGIt was my coworker Molly’s idea to go there, and of course she’s one of those people like my grandfather who knows every single person in town, which begs the question why can’t she think of one nice man to set me up with? Not that my grandfather was any help in that department, either.

IMG_2648.jpgAnyway, the band really was good, but I hadda go, because I needed to get up at 5:20.

You what? Great Lottie Blancos in the morning.

I promised my stupid friend TinaDoris that I’d meet her at stupid Pure Barre at a stupid 6 a.m. stupid class. When the alarm went off, I rolled over and said, “Edsel.”

Oh my god, did that poor dog ever startle awake. gud graby, it 7:00 alreddee?

The cats are always lined up along the hallway when I open the bedroom door, but this morning there was nary a cat in sight.

IMG_2659
eyeriss can’t eben wif dis time of day. she TRYING to eben, but she can’t eben.

In case you don’t have one in your town or something, and you know what I hate? Is when people say, “If you’ve been living under a rock…”

Oh, hohohohoho!!! God, that’s original. Lemme stitch m’sides.

Anyway.

In case you don’t know what Pure Barre is, it’s a one-hour exercise program designed to make you wish for your own swift death right there at a ballet barre.

Holy shit.

TinaDoris goes six days a week. TinaDoris looks magnificent. TinaDoris can suck it.

I came home at 7:03 (silver lining: Pure Barre is stupidly close to my house) and ate all the toast. There is no toast anywhere in the country.

“Hey, where’s the toast?”

“Pure Junne ate it.”

So that’s been my last 24 hours, and try to cram some activity in, Juan. But despite my run-aroundy life of music and pinball and allegedly burning calories that get replaced immediately by toast, I did NOT forget our lipstick pact. Today we try Whole Lotta Honey.

IMG_E2620.JPGAlso, before I forget, we’re going to have an exciting new feature here at Book of Pies. My boss, fmr., is going to show us her Stitch Fix box every month, and we get to vote on what she should keep and what she should return! She already decided on this month’s shipment, which I will feature for you tomorrow, so you’ve got that to live for.

And listen. If you do anything, check in with me Saturday this week. I have something SO STUPIDLY EXCITING to show you then.

Meanwhile, Whole Lotta Honey…

IMG_2663.jpgHunh. Yeah, okay. Whole lotta eh.

Wet-harriedly,

June

57 thoughts on “Drivin’ all the old men crazy.

  1. Loved corner of Mug and Rape. Great post and I also liked the muted chubby on you. Will be checking BOJ to see what the news is!
    PS. Glad you were with Ned at the big, horrible, moment.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. OK, so I google fucking it-ed about death and the open mouth and it is quite normal. A couple of hospice sites said so. I feel better now.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Sounds like such a fun 24 hours, although I would need a day off to recover. I am so sad to hear about NedKitty. Sending both you and Ned healing and peace. It sucks to lose someone you love.

    Sending love too…lovely post, June.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m so sorry for Ned, and for you. Losing a pet isn’t something I would wish on anyone, and I still like Ned even though he can’t be what you need, if only because he has really helped you in emergencies (Lottie’s victimization comes to mind) and he does love you in his own way.

    OK, I’ll stop. Godspeed, Nedkitty.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. PS You look FABULOUS with your makeup and wet hair!
    Never knew that corporate term. Fascinating!
    @ No barre for me “You out of shape gnat”! DYING!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Awww…sorry about Ned kitty. I am glad her suffering is ending but it is sad to lose a pet. Will you give Ned a sympathy hug or just safely hand him tissues. Tell me to fuck off if that is too personal. I has the balls lately, even more than usual. Not eating the feelings so I am letting them out. It is a bit frightening. Also, my neigbor/sometimes friend whose anxiety level drove me crazy passed away late Tuesday afternoon. Our other neighbor who is a home health ade and used to naturally dead bodies convinced me to go see her. She said I would feel better. Um, not so much. Her mouth was wide open and her neck looked a bit strange, probably because she was so emaciated. Seventeen years surviving breast cancer. I am 58 and it was my first dead adult outside of a viewing or funeral. I have seen pets and one infant, my sister’s preemie in 1984. An adult is very different. I couldn’t sleep and we had to be in Philadelphia at 7:30 AM, two hours away for his cancer stuff. Now I have a head cold and a huge stye! Stress! I DID wear some makeup yesterday to look less exhausted and to protect my face from 22 degrees and 19 mph winds.

    Your post was so fun and helped me calgon take me away. I like ALL of those chubby sticks so far. I use fleshy colors as well, I prefer to play up my eyes now. I wore lots of bright blue reds, fuschias and violets in the eighties with colorfull eyes too. That was a fun decade. I remember pinball fondly too!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Great post today. Pinball is the best and I am happy arcade bars are a popular thing right now. What fun it would have been to have a pinball machine in your very own house.

    Liked by 1 person

        1. I’m so sorry for Ned and had hoped NedKitty would pass on her own so he wouldn’t have to make the decision. NedKitty enjoyed a long and happy life and chewing on your hair gave her added pleasure.

          I cried buckets when I had to take my favorite cat for his last trip to the vet, but I knew it was time and the kindest act I could do for him.

          Liked by 1 person

  8. “No one bothered me because I still had on m’snake suit.” That made me laugh so hard I choked on my bread with butter and had to cough it out of my lungs. (Irish butter…why so chubby, JG?)

    Liked by 1 person

  9. June, I really liked yesterday’s lips the best so far. How do the chubby sticks feel? Are they smooth? Do you like them? How’s the staying power of the chubby? Heh, heh.

    Great post, June Coot!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Ima comment anonymously today just in case…

    Pure Barre is the newest exercise rage around where I live. The menopausal waistlined, out-of-shape woman who runs my company’s yoga studio took the time to get trained in it so they could bring it in. Big frigging deal.

    I know I sound like a flat out bitch but I swear, she runs around the building telling everyone that what “she” does is just the best and if you do any other sort of exercise (running, walking, DVDs, gym) she actually has the nerve to say that it’s no good and the ONLY good exercise is yoga, TRX, and barre and don’t you want to have the BEST BODY?

    Why yes, yes I do, you out of shape annoying little gnat. And that’s why you should stop advertising them because you are no example of what they can do for you.

    Also, I’m pretty sure if you want the best body you have to stop eating so damn much.

    See Paula, we all have CoWs at our jobs. And can you tell she has already annoyed me today?

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Riveting post, June. It’s always great to meet new people in a situation where you can see them again. I sat next to an older man at the eye doctor’s this morning and he was so interesting I wish he would be there every time I have to drag my old eyes in there.
    Pure Barre? I couldn’t get my leg higher than a Schnauzer’s head these days.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. I already like Lottie Blanco, I vs. Lottie Blanco, II. Is she related to the Blanco Glass family? Anyway. The Lotta Honey seems to make your lips disappear. I’m with the animals, way too early to be getting up to exercise.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. If Ryan Gosling and Jason Lee ever have a kid together, it will totally look like the guy in the red stocking cap. How YOU doin’?

    Am super impressed with you for getting up early to get your barre on. I also got up early, but only because my dog jumped up on the bed at 4:fricken30 a.m. I was wide awake then, so I got up and got on the treadmill. But only for 15 minutes because I’m not a sadist.

    VeryJune post, Coot.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. First of all I love Lottie Blanco because I too have a horrid fear of snakes or maybe it’s a healthy fear of horrid snakes. Either way I hate those fuckers.

    In unrelated news, love the Whole Lot of Honey, honey. Also and too whatever program you are doing you look marvelous.

    Nice post Coot

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Two things.

    First, that new “Categories” section. Loving it. I can now trace the entire sad trajectory of your sordid liaison with “friend/Ned” without the usual distractions (such as posts about lip gloss and pets).

    Second, what’s with all the recent complaints about your “chubbiness”? If “chubby” is the adjective that describes you standing at the pinball machine in that photo, then this world desperately needs more chubbiness.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow, Vela, that was actually sweet! Thanks. And I started to read the …friend/Ned category and got sort of sad and quit. One day it will be nice to have all that laid out end to end.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Totally got it. My daughter was a psychologist for the state. When I would get all hyper and anxiety ridden she would tell me she was going to me. So far she hasn’t yet, but there is still time.

        Liked by 1 person

  16. Pinball!! I love pinball. Would love a pinball machine and a Ms. Pacman machine in our basement, but the latter is in the thousand of dollars, so, yeah, not happening. I think every color of lipstick just looks good on you. I agree with LaUral that this more subdued shade causes the emphasis to be more on your eyes. I don’t wear much makeup but my 13-year-old is tiptoeing into that realm, so I appreciate the mention of the Sephora app, Pam.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Next time you’re up in the mountains, go to the Asheville Pinball Museum. You pay about $15 (maybe a little less, don’t quote me) and play all you want, as long as you want. They have tons of pinball games and old school video games.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. What a jam-packed 24 hours. Wine Wednesday in the fabulous B&B while listening to a really good band sounds like my kind of evening. Parking on the corner of Rape and Mug killed me. Glad you lived to tell the tale.

    And the visual of Lottie Blanco’s snake encounter had me laughing. Rat-be-gone snakes are great to have around, but maybe not where you can unexpectedly find them in the attic. At least, now she knows what’s lurking up there and it’s not rats.

    Kudos for getting up in the wee hours of the morning to exercise. Better you than me. Now, I’m looking forward to Saturday’s news.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. If you scroll down slowly, it looks like Edsel`s ears are growing! Glad you had fun minus the exercise part. What can Saturday be? Early Christmas? Lovely post!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m convinced it’s when JOOOON-A-PALOOZA 2018 is announced and we all start making plans to meet there in Jooontown and Jooon reads to us from her blog while we sip wine and play with Edsel and then we do a dog pub crawl. I’m certain that’s what it is.

      Liked by 1 person

  20. I love that Whole Lotta Honey. I wear pretty muted lipsticks though. Read somewhere in those “After 50, you’re old so you should just give up” makeup tip thingies that you should wear lipstick that closely matches the natural shade of your lips. So I generally wear something flesh-toned. Although I think what’s the point of wearing lipstick then? I think you and other women who wear a nice bright lipstick look fabulous in it! I just don’t like it on me, because all I see then, is this huge set of flaming lips when I look at myself.

    “She was delicious” *Plunk!*

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Here is a recommendation I heard back in my selling Mary Kay daze. As a woman matures (I refuse to say ages, or gets older) her lipstick should get lighter and brighter. I try to do that but I don’t like light and bright pink on me. I look for a light and bright apricot though it seems hard to find. Also too, I can’t pay much more than depression prices so that limits the selection.

      Liked by 1 person

  21. If I attempted PureBarre they would have to call the ambulance because my leg would be in one big cramp. A couple of weeks ago, I observed a small black snake in our backyard being bullied by a pair of mockingbirds. Those birds were like “we don’t like you go away!” Of course I was safely inside of my house kravetzing through the window. It slithered under our fence over to the neighbors. These snakes are harmless but I still hate them. The wine night is something I would enjoy especially in that wonderful old house. As for the lipstick, it’s pretty but you can pull off the brighter colors too. Lovely post June!

    Liked by 1 person

  22. My god with the suspense! Saturday? Who can even remember when Saturday IS?

    It’s December 2008 in my alternate June-iverse. It’s the beloved Hellman’s Christmas story. Mother in the kitchen telling you “I know it’s Marvin’s house and his things, so the right thing to do is to make him leave and do what we want”. Ole Marvin, the No Man.

    Yesterday I read the story where your cousin Katie put Grandma’s spare false teeth in her 8 year old mouth with the Poli-dent. I had to get up from my desk and walk around to compose myself. Oh my land. So, so funny!

    I did realize at the pace I’m going, this re-reading will take me through 2018. But what else do I have going on?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Lisa, NTL, I tried to like your comment, but it required a login that I’m way too lazy to go find my account name and password. I like your comment. The Marvin mayo event is one of my favorite stories.

      Liked by 1 person

  23. 1. Pinball — when my FIL died last year, my husband wanted and we got the pinball machine. It was a BEAST to move, but now we have pinball in our house every day. (Not everyday; I’ve learned something reading here!)

    2. Lipstick – I went to Sephora after having had a LOT of drinks on Sunday, and got Fresh Sugar Berry “tinted lip treatment.” So its like fancy Chapstick? Anyway, I like it. Sephora has an app instore (and apparently an app you can get on your phone? but I didn’t do that) where you stand in front of basically an iPad and your face is on the screen (at a truly unflattering angle and in bad light) and they suggest makeup for you in various colors, etc. Which is how I settled on more purple-y lips, than reds or pinks. (I also got Kat Von D’s Vampira lipstick but I am not sure I love it and that may go back.) Anyway, did you know about that app?

    Liked by 1 person

  24. Actually, I really like that lip color. It puts the emphasis and focus on your eyes, and they look huge.

    So is the PureTorture more stretchy, more weight-bearing/strength-building, or more cardiolike? Inquiring minds want to know.

    Liked by 1 person

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