Astro surf and turfing

I woke up at 2:53 a.m. today, with a migraine. I attribute this to having gotten up at 5:30 yesterday, to go to damn Purrrrre Barrrrre, and one wonders why I think I need to work out when I already look Like This.

Anyway, my sleep pattern was messed up, which is a migraine trigger, and whatever, I had one, hooo care.

I got out of bed and hunched over to the kitchen, and I feel the need to hunch when I’m not feeling well because my Aunt Kathy always does that when she’s not feeling well, which by the way is around 270 days a year. She’s a professional not-feeling-well-er.

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deer god. wat edzul eber do to deserbe.

The point is, I took my medication and hunched back to bed, where Edsel and Jodie Foster awaited me, and while I was trying to get back to sleep,

boop!

That damn kitten kept booping my face. boop! Oh my god, annoying.

No matter how many times I…gently placed her orange bitch-ass down the bed, and yes, I did want to hurl her with all my might, she kept coming back and

boop!

Here is why I’m insane. I kissed her little walnut head before immigrating with my pillow over to the spare bedroom. That damn kitten drove me out of my own bed, into the vast desert of the spare bedroom, and I still had to kiss her.

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okay, she cute in theeeery, but not that irresist.

In the spare bedroom, Steely Dan was lounging across the pillows. Having spent most of my week with Two-Ounce Tillie, up there, all of a sudden his already-enormous self seems even enormous-er, and he also seems this solid paragon of dignity.

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it troo. also, good pikktur, mom. wat dis be, mom blawg circa 2009?

I kissed his coconut head and settled in to sleep. When,

BOOP.

That asshole booped me in the face, with all 182 pounds of him.

HE’S NEVER BOOPED ME IN THE FACE EVER BEFORE.

“STEELY DAN,” I said, irritated with the world. He touched his wet cold nose to mine before curling up against me and falling asleep, where as soon as he was unconscious I injected him with lethal gasses.

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and yet, heer steelee be

And I’m sorry all my stories are about cats lately. It’s all I’m surrounded by. I’ve all of a sudden become the old lady with cats.

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When did my neck get rings? When did I join the Ringling Brothers on my neck?

The other exciting news is I got my roots dyed yesterday, at lunch, which by the way is super relaxing and you’re not over there nervously checking the clock or anything.

We also had a happy hour team thing after work for a particular account I work on, but I already WENT to one for a DIFFERENT account last week, and just now I typed “last” wrong, and my computer autocorrected it to “astroturfing,” like that’s a thing I say just all the time. I think I can honestly say that is the FIRST time I ever said “astroturfing,” so good going, computer. Good smart-ting.

Anyway, I didn’t go. I was exhausted.

Also, I’ve been invited to two things, one on Christmas Eve and one on Christmas Day, and both hosts say, “Don’t bring anything,” and is that true? What do real people do?

Both are married couples, two kids each, except the Xmas Eve couple has two teenage daughters and the other couple has two little kids. Your thoughts, Hobson?

Also, I’m getting together with Jo and Kit on the 27th, and all of a sudden Jo’s all, Oh I got you two the cutest thing and I was all, “WE’RE GETTING EACH OTHER THINGS?”

“Oh, just regift something,” said Jo, as if I have a whole closet of Gifts That Didn’t Work For Me.

Your thoughts, Hobson? Do you wish I’d quit saying that? It’s from Arthur.

The entire time I’ve been writing you, I’ve been scarfing these chocolate-orange-ball Christmas cookies my mother made me, thereby eliminating all of the work I did at Pureé Bar yesterday. Orange you glad I ate chocolate cookies?

I’d better go. I have to shower, and my whole body hurts, and also migraine hangover, plus also my face was booped repeatedly and Dear People Who Don’t Have Cats Who Are Moments From Annoying Me:

It’s when a cat hits your face with a velvety paw, not to inflict pain. It’s really more a claws-in sitch. They just want to play, so they boop boop boop your face over and over again, and you all of a sudden get how someone could abuse an animal.

Sincerely,

Jone

P.S. Oh, HELL. This is Chunky Cherry, and seriously, Clinique, what’s with all the fat names lately? I have ZERO MAKEUP on again, and I’m SORRY. It’s the MORNING.

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That color really brings out your broken capillaries.

 

70 thoughts on “Astro surf and turfing

  1. When I say “don’t bring anything” I mean it. So a gift of wine or some kind of candy or a delicious snack mix is my go to. Something they can enjoy later. Or re-gift.

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      1. I agree with LNTL too. When I say that, I don’t expect anything.

        That being said, if someone says that to me, I usually take wine or something too. Especially with kids there, candy or snack mix or if you know someplace that makes awesome cookies, I bet you would be a hero!

        Cat-booping is so special when you’re trying to sleep. Siiiiigh. Only one of mine does that, but it’s the Maine Coon with huge snowshoe paws, and it’s like she’s giving you a bitch slap!

        I love little bitty Jodie Foster.

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  2. You really don’t have to bring anything. Your sparkling personality will be enough. If you really feel like it it’s fun to give little kids a small gift but not necessary. I would not worry about the teenagers, they won’t like what you got them anyway.

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  3. You have this darlin’ little kitty thing you could just take along for her.
    You look splendidly young without makeup.
    I am waiting for the all of the lipsticks shot to decide. I do not wear makeup at all , never have and your lips in all the colors? look like just lips to me, in the individual pictures.

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  4. My friend actually gets mad if you show up with something unexpected to her party. She likes to control how much of things she has to serve. I agree small gifts for the littles could be cute. Unknown teenagers? I wouldn’t know where to begin. I throw money or gift cards at that situation when it’s a party for one.

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  5. I had to laugh when you mentioned Steely Dan looking enormous now. When I had my second baby and spent like 2 straight weeks staring at her tiny little head and hands and whatnot, I became convinced that there was something wrong with her toddler brother’s head, it looked so huge by comparison. If I had had the Google back then, I would have been typing in “large-head syndrome” or something. As it was, being Google-less, I spent the week worrying myself to death over this formerly overlooked deformity in my firstborn child.

    Sleep deprivation will do that to a person.

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    1. I swear I read an article one time that talked about how when a new baby is born, the older children look like giants. I noticed it with my kids too. I tried to effing Google it but I couldn’t find anything. My point is, it’s really a thing and not your imagination!

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    2. hee hee hee.
      i thought my kids’ heads were huge, too, when a new baby arrived. well, except that my middle child does have a rather large noggin!

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  6. Thank you for the neck rings and broken capallaries. It’s all of us without great camophlage, I guess. Not a fan of this chubby stick. Sticks are chubby, so they need fatty names?

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  7. I’m like Lisa up there. If I tell you not to bring something I mean it. As a host, I feel like part of the fun of the evening is that my guests get to come empty-handed and just enjoy their night out. That being said, my southern sensibilities tell me I cannot arrive at someone else’s house giftless. SO, I’ve gotten in the habit of bringing something edible I like that they can have some other time. Lately, I’ve been taking my two favorite salsas. (Just call me Oprah with the Favorite Things – YOU get salsa, YOU get salsa, YOU get salsaaaaaa!) Sometimes I take a bag of fancy coffee beans. When there are kids too, I sometimes take cool drinks they may not normally get, like a little 4-pack of Izze, or decorated cookies from a nearby bakery. Frankly, everybody likes bakery stuff. Hope that helps!

    I thought Chunky Cherry would be more… well, cherry.
    Lovely post, June!

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  8. We are also invited to a Christmas dinner thing where the hosts told us not to bring anything. We’re going to bring a bottle of wine or two anyway just because. Maybe some flowers, too.

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  9. Our first cat was a nose booper too. I was on the night shift in a factory. He started booping me earlier every day to get up and feed him. Guess who got switched to evening feedings only?

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  10. That is my favorite lip color so far.

    I’d take something. Maybe wine or candied pecans in a tin. Something they don’t have to use right away. You could just get the kids something instead, but knowing how much you familiarize yourself with the kiddie crowd, wine or snacks would be easier.

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  11. Just face it, you needed to be booped. Fortunately SD was there so he deserves a kiss on the head.

    Get gifts for the kids. I have no idea what teenage girls want (ask Roy Moore? baddum bum) but for the smaller kids you can never go wrong with lego sets.

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    1. You guys are stressing me out with the “just get gifts for the little kids” thing. I mean, I am CLUELESS about little kids. Like, I literally don’t even know where you go SHOP for little kids. Plus, please ask me how old they are. Cause…two and 36 months? Wait, is 36 months two? Like, seriously, this is like asking Hulk to go get me “just a little gift” at Sephora. Or the Liberal Person Shop.

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      1. Just get those little cartons of Goldfish crackers that are always at the checkout for the little kids and maybe throw in a candy cane. They’ll be thrilled. I wouldn’t get anything for the teens, okay maybe some candy canes and gum if you feel the need.

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          1. Get them ice – if they do choke, you can laugh at them because you know it will melt and they’ll live so it’s like a gift for them and for you!

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      2. I was just about to ask how old they are and then I remembered how adept you are at guessing children’s’ ages and it made me giggle. If they have kids, they could probably use a bottle of wine.

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      3. cookies–like those snowmen ones at starbucks or something else that is decorated. you don’t need to bring anything else for kids. nothing for the teenagers–they’re old enough to know better. booze for the adults. or flowers.

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  12. If your hosts drink wine, I’d bring a bottle of wine. If not, bring a box of chocolates. If you don’t know if they have nut allergies, bring chocolates without nuts. And I like Texas Kari’s idea of favorite salsas.

    I wouldn’t stress over trying to buy gifts for their kids. Santa’s coming soon and will take care of that. As for Jo and Kit, you could also make a gift of edibles or wine.

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  13. I think if they have said nothing needed, you could bring a non food gift for the hostess like fancy kitchen soap or something along those lines. Those choc orange balls sound delicious! It sounds like Steely Dan really is a big softy after all!

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  14. You look fantastic without makeup!!

    As for a gift, bring the kitten – I’m sure they’d love that! If the first family doesn’t, you can try again with the 2nd family (also, if you don’t like the families it’s sure-fire way to make sure you don’t ever get invited back!)

    If it were me, I would bring a gift that the family can use after the holidays so maybe 4 movie passes, a game like Watch Ya Mouth (all age groups) or Pie Face (more for the younger kids but bring a can of whipped cream with you), a an old fashioned popcorn popper (I’d also include popcorn and some hot chocolate)

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  15. I giggled my way through your post. Not because of your migraine, because that sucks, but mostly due to your photo captions. You’re a hoot, Coot.

    The only time I get upset if someone brings something after I’ve told them not to is when someone brings something that has to be heated in order to be served. Like my mother. Every year she brings a dish of baked beans to Thanksgiving, then demands that I put them in the oven. So what if that means I have to take the turkey out? Whoo care? Not her.

    Got sidetracked there. A tin of cookies is a lovely gift to take. So is a bottle of wine.

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    1. I have always hated that, too. “Here I am. Can I use your oven?” Like, oh, sure, cause I’m not hysterically heating a million things right now. I say this like I host on the regular.

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    2. We have a family member that would commit to bringing stuff and would always do that so one year we thought, oh give them the simplest thing to bring, a salad. I think we may even high fived ourselves at our brilliance. Cut to, “do you have a bowl to put this in, I brought lettuce what do you have to put on the salad, what kind of dressing do you have, how do I wipe my own ass” type of questions. After that, we still assigned them salad but, perhaps childishly, removed all dressings and possible salad topping from the house before their arrival so their shitty advance planning was on full display. I’m immature so I will freely admit that it brought me joy!

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  16. I second the goldfish crackers–or if you want to be loved forever–m&ms for everyone. Teens & little kids love them. Stick a bow on the bag and done. Wine is always my go to when I am invited to someone’s house. If you would rather bring a hostess gift then there are many little holiday trinkets around–bring an ornament, or a Christmas dish towel, or anything you like. It doesn’t have to be big or fancy.

    Cats are not the only ones who boop. Franklin boops constantly, but it is to be petted. All. The. Time. We call it tapping. Tap! TAPTAPTAP. Then a whine. TAP! TAPTAPTAPTAP!!!

    Yep.

    Lovely post, lovely June!

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  17. 1.) If I say don’t bring anything, I mean it. I do BYOB if it’s a party, but that’s just normal I think. Maybe.

    Also, too, I would not know what to get the kids at all.

    7.) I have neck rings too. WTF. Where did they come from? Also, I’m chubby, and I’m afraid if I ever finally lose the weight my face is going to be super wrinkly. Because my mom’s is. Of course she is also 67, but still.

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    1. Hey! Watch what you’re saying about the sixties! That being said, I may have to start rocking the turtlenecks like Katherine Hepburn.

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  18. When I tell people not to bring anything I truly mean it. But when people tell me that same thing I make myself crazy trying to figure out what to bring. You can’t go wrong with candy, a bottle of wine, a poinsettia or just regular, old flowers.
    Or you could take them a batch of your scrumptious, homemade fudge.

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      1. How about the never forgetful Bubonic Peg – the gift that will keep on giving after you leave. All you have to do is find somebody who is sick and ask them to sneeze on you after you lick them!

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      1. Now see if someone brought me a poinsettia on Christmas I would be all “really?” because the first thing I want to get rid of once Christmas is over is the poinsettia. I love them BEFORE the big day, but by the 26th they just depress me. Don’t ask me why – they just do.

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  19. Every time a new kitten comes to your house it becomes my favorite.

    I’m with everyone who has suggested taking a bottle of wine. Or a Christmas ornament or something along those lines.

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  20. Boop! I understand that completely. Walnut head and coconut head are such accurate descriptions. My coconut head woke me up last night wanting her head scratched.

    The lipstick color is okay, but not one of the best.

    Gifts? I haven’t read all the comments yet so I don’t know what has been suggested. Take a gift to the hostess. I saw some really cute baby Christmas trees (in little pots) at Lowe’s for $8 each and they can be planted. Might be a good gift for Kit and Jo, if they have a yard. I am checking tomorrow to see if those little trees have been marked down, if so I am going to buy several.

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  21. I like the idea of M&Ms topped with a bow. Kids of almost all ages can eat them and who doesn’t love M&Ms??
    sorry about the migraine. I have a small headache right now and it’s annoying, I can only try and imagine what it’s like to deal with a migraine.
    Merry Christmas Eve Eve Eve.

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  22. That little puff of orange creamsicle looks like she is now a June Gardens family member. Just sayin. Who could love her like you? And the Eds. And she appears to be a positive influence on the Steely Dan Man. I hope you have a nice Christmas June. You deserve it. I mean it….what a year.

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  23. I would not want you to bring gifts for my kids. No. The little assholes get plenty. The m&m idea is sound, though. I eat when I have a headache because my ma always made me eat first to see if the headache would go away.

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  24. My facial lady calls neck rings “necklaces” like someone would actually go out and buy those things to wear. Why do people have to put cutesy names on ugly things? It doesn’t make them cuter.

    I saw “astroturfing” and thought “astrogliding” and thought you were going to go in a whole other direction.

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  25. I agree that the whole “don’t bring anything” is awkward. But I think that really means “I have the menu set and don’t need you fucking it up with your XYZ casserole”. Just take a nice hostess gift. If these people all have kids you could take a family board game, or a box of hot chocolate and some marshmallows.

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  26. Leave it to me to put a damper on some suggestions. I don’t drink (or like) wine. I don’t think all of my friends know that. Also too, I’m a diabetic. So while I would love chocolate candy, it’s not on my things-I-can-eat list. I would love a poinsettia or Christmas cactus, though.

    All the chubby lipsticks are starting to look the same to me.

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  27. My ex-catmates would, it seems, put their paws in the freezer pre-boop, to get the full MOTHER OF GOD reaction. Once my Dickensian Year is over & I get a new home & get me some cats, I’m going to get them kitten mittens.
    Anyway, if a friend tells me they don’t want anything, I do just that. I wouldn’t do sugary treats for the kids, in case the parents are nae sugar for kids types. Give them a satsuma & a piece of coal. Presence not presents.

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  28. Screw the kids. Just get like a tiny box/bag of fancy chocolates for the parents. Or flowers. Easy and not too expensive.

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  29. Great ideas up there. But if you take flowers be sure they are already in a vase and ready to set somewhere. There have been many dinners I have been busy last minute and someone shows up with an armful of flowers that need to be cleaned up (bottom leaves taken off), cut back (on what 3 feet of extra counter space?) and then I have to run around and find the right sized vase. It’s worse than an undesired casserole.

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  30. “Hostess Gift.” There’s your key. A gift for the hostess that is apropos of nothing.

    Also, we have a booper, except he leaves the claws out, which is REALLY annoying.

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  31. All I can say, being left coastal and ptsd or pst, is this slayed me. And those cats are so adorable as is Eds. Your animules say the most hilarious things.
    Luff kdinsocal

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  32. My go-to gift is a bottle of wine and a good salami. Everyone like a good salami. Kids presents. Silly string. They love it from age 5 to 50 or 500 or something like that.

    On the Ned thing. How about your Temp Kitty? He needs a new kitty, Temp Kitty needs a new home. It is a win/win. Even though I am not team Ned.

    Don’t have cats who boop but my Bozz will nose you when he wants to be loving.

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  33. I’m with the others above that if I say don’t worry, I really mean it – but an ornament makes a great hostess gift. And if there’s a small child, they can put it on the tree.

    Our beloved Rottie must have been a cat in some other life as she perfected her human-out-of-bed process: she was at mattress height so she would maneuver under the blankets and place a cold, wet nose at the first skin she hit, usually the small of my back. Worked like a charm (for her) every time!

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  34. Just checkin’ in now and didn’t read any comments but oh my god woman, if a host says don’t bring anything, she really really means it! When I tell people (as a hostess with the mostess of course STFU) to not bring anything, I really really fucking mean it!! Nothing chaps my hide more that someone who feels it’s okay to bring something, whether that’s a dessert or a bottle of wine. No!

    The other thing, you are not a crazy cat lady until you have at least 12 or 15 or 24 cats.

    I am not the best person to give advice on gifting as I feel gifting as adults to other adults is so beyond stupid I can not even comprehend the ridiculousness!!! Yup. I am THAT person. But as THAT person, I have a very stress-free holiday season. Ha!

    You so pretty, Joob!

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  35. Oh crap. We had a super busy day at work and I am just now getting to read the not blog. As if I am not behind everyone already. Hey! Let me comment late. I’m a loser but I had to say that I thought the booping involved head butts. I have one that constantly does the head butting thing which, from what i understand, means that he loves me with all of his gargantuan kitty heart. He’s the size of a small puma. The youngest kitten is such a little asshole. She will sit in our laps but we dare not show her affection or she bolts. What I wouldn’t give for any kind of boop from her.

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  36. I am such a dumb dupa (Polish for ass). McDonald’s gift certificates work for kids. They love Happy Meals! Works great unless the parents are total health food police.

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