Oh, did sleigh bells ring? I had my ringer off.

Welp. Christmas. We got through it, and now my throat hurts, so the one holiday I can kind of get behind, New Year’s, will be rooooooooned.

Do you know people who pronounce ruined like that? “Rooooooned.” I think Marvin did. The memory is starting to escape me, like Kate Winslet and Jim Carey on the ice that cracks in two during Eternal Sunshine.

IMG_3114.JPGAnyway, Christmas. I let myself open one gift on Xmas Eve, and the fine people of Summer’s Eve ought to consider making special, like, pine and berry feminine products for Christmas, call it Christmas’s Eve.

I’m an idea woman.

The gift, and you can tell already we’re in for a long haul today, was two of my vintage romance magazines from Faithful Reader Paula, who knows what I like. This time they were Christmas themed, like m’douche.

If you didn’t tune in to my last post, I spent Christmas, you know, Eve at my coworker Austin’s, and I got his family a game–it’s just Concentration, but with Eames furniture and designs instead of shitty flowers that you come across on a …summer’s eve.

Oh, June, remove the nozzle and continue.

IMG_3262.JPGThe point is, they sent me this photo. “We’re playing the game you got us, but because we know how you hate this holiday, we’re playing it joylessly.”

I flow into everyone, leaving you refreshed and bitter.

See what I did, there? More feminine humor. MERRY CHRISTMAS!

June, it’s not even Christmas morning yet.

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krismuffph

Christmas morning arrived (oh thank GOD) and that damn kitten was a pain in my ass. Before it was even dawn, she started pounce pounce pouncing on the bed, and whose idea was it to foster a goddamn kitten? Finally, after like TWO HOURS of just drifting off again only to POUNCE awake, I threw her into the hall, stuffed a quilt under the door so she couldn’t just slither under the door like she does, and WAS JUST DRIFTING OFF AGAIN when

RING!

I knew that ring. Do you ever do that? You know who it is even though it isn’t a special ringtone? You know that ring? It was my mother, of the Obsessed with Christmas mothers, AND I KNEW IT.

“Ima Jon-Benet Ramsey your ass,” I said, Christmas cheerily.

My mother made me stay on the phone with her while I opened my gifts, so I couldn’t photograph my every item like I usually do, and I CAN HEAR YOUR FAKE “I’m so disappointed” groans, all of you, and shut up.

IMG_E3143.jpgIMG_3141.jpgIMG_3140.jpgBut you must trust me. Chaos ensued. It was like having real children there. And do you like my method? I used the laundry basket to hold all the wrapping paper and other stuff that could be recycled. At the end of the festivities (“festivities”), I just dumped the laundry basket in the recycle bin outside.

Home Hacks from Hune. Maybe I should change my name to Hune and start a whole homemaking blog. Hone Your Home With Hune.

I had cat litter on the lapel of my robe this morning. So I think it’s a given that you all want my home hacks.

IMG_E3161.JPGI believe I said to you all the other day that this back room where I write is a cold room, much like my heart at Xmas, and that I really needed socks. So I went on Amazon, through my own link, and got me three or four pair of fuzzy, slouchy socks.

IMG_3156.JPGThen guess what everyone sent me for Christmas.

IMG_E3163.JPG(This seems as good a time as any to remind people that sentences that start with “Guess what” or “I wonder” do NOT NEED A QUESTION MARK AT THE END. They are STATEMENTS. A statement is a declarative sentence, such as, “Hune has a stick up her ass.”)

IMG_3165.jpgAnyway, I got up yesterday and walked around with cold feet and didn’t marry anyone, till I remembered, “Hey, Hune’s got socks comin’ out her …hass!” So I got me some socks on. I rocked out with my socks out.

IMG_E3167.JPGIt wouldn’t be the most…wonderful time of the year without me putting a ribbon or bow on a pet, and this would be an excellent time for me to offer a retrospective of all the years of pets with bows, but I have to get to work, needy.

IMG_3169.JPGIMG_E3168.JPGThe point is, this year Edsel got Hune’s Holiday Humiliation, Now With Claws!

As I pen this, Steely Dan and Jodie Foster have been stampeding around the house as they do, and just now I heard the broom in the laundry room topple over, followed by two very different-sized, ears-back cats dashing out of there.

I wonder what happened. See? That was a statement. You do not need to write, “I wonder what happened?” It’s not a question. You are wondering what happened.

Do you know what I’ve noticed? When people who aren’t, you know, English teachers or editors ponder sentence structure, they say the weirdest stuff, as if they know a rule, a grammar rule, that in fact isn’t anything at all.

“Well, but it’s stating a question, and it’s emphasizing the…”

WHAT?

Grammar isn’t that hard. Punctuation isn’t that hard. And spelling? You can look that up, you know. M-W dot com. I’m on there about 400 times a day.

I know you want to say “object of the preposition” and sound brilliant, but you don’t need to. There are a few really simple rules, and a lot of them are going away, which is what happens with language. If we didn’t let it flow, we’d all still be speaking Olde Englishe. See what I did, there? We’d all be talking like Chaucer.

Anyway, it’s easier than you’re making it, is my point. And what you learned in third grade, there, Menopause, is not a hard-and-fast rule that is still definitely right.

June. It’s like not NOON yet on December 25. We have to get to work.

IMG_E3180.JPGMy favorite gift was one I picked out myself but forgot I picked out. My mother and I saw this at that little boutique we went to the day after Thanksgiving, but then we ran into my cousin Katie and my Aunt Kathy, who once again is not that woman drinking at the top of my blog, and anyway I was so excited that I

CLEAN

FORGOT

I wanted that mailbox. Am small child.

IMG_3181.JPGAnyway, after I opened my gifts, I went outside and screwed a mailbox.

Here is the next Clinique color in our Chune Checks out Chubby Sticks Even on Christmas project…

IMG_3194.jpgIt’s some kind of way-too-orange color, which I cannot find in the bowels of my purse to tell you what the color is called, but I think we can all agree it’s not a keeper for anyone, unless you are Doris Day.

You’ll note, however, that I’m in the car, here, and that is because I was headed to Chris and Lilly’s to have dinner with them, because they felt sorry for Old Lady June having–

Geeez. Steely Dan is kicking that kitten’s ASS right now, and they break it up too fast for me to take a photo, but just now he was grabbing her whole kitten body and she was saying,

“MEWWWWWWWWW.”

Do not worry about that kitten. For she is an asshole, and also they are deeply in love, and yes, I do already feel bad for him when she goes and no I am not keeping her.

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Anyway.

IMG_3198.jpgChris cooked for us, cause it’s his thing, and it was all DELICIOUS. They roasted a chicken, and by “they” I mean Chris. There were vegetables, and he even cooks those so they’re delicious. And also, red velvet cake, a thing that obsessed Z, who I think was totally in it just for cake.

IMG_3222
Did you hear there’s red cake, Miss Hune?

At dinner, we discussed our favorite Christmas gift, ever.

For Chris, it was his Easy Bake Oven, which kills me. But really, I had one, too, and they were cool as shit.

For me, for some reason my little greenhouse stands out. It was see-through, shaped just like a greenhouse, and divided into three. It came with seeds, and little tools, and you could watch your seeds’ roots and sprouts and it turned me into the plant expert I am today.

Really, I’m not good at anything, am I?

Then it was Lilly’s turn.

“Well,” she hemmed. “I guess it has to be, um, when I, um, got a pony.”

Chris and I exchanged a glance.

Lilly went on to tell us how her parents did the whole Presentation of the Pony on Christmas morning, and no, it wasn’t sleeping under the tree, which is what I immediately envisioned, but there it was, in the barn, with a banner announcing it was Lilly’s.

“So, yeah, I was that girl. The girl who got a pony, for real, on Christmas.”

And that is when I helped Chris gather a few of his things, and we took the kids and left Lilly there at the table. Forever.

A pony for Christmas.

IMG_3197.jpgAfter dinner and resentment, we headed over to the barn to feed the horses, which you can imagine did not delight me in the slightest. Also there: BARN KITTIES!

I took them all home. I probably should have lead with the fact that two horses live here now. Hey, maybe THEY knocked over the broom.

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I LOVE YOU HORSIE
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I LOVE YOU KITTIES

While Lilly busied herself with horse things, her son G decided the cats did not have enough food. So…

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What, is Lily the cat on her way to dinner?

IMG_3215.jpgWe also visited the chickens, and that was the day June was complete.

IMG_3217.jpgAfter, we made a bonfire, and I’m happy to tell you I got a shot of my jowls by the fire. Hune’s howls.

IMG_3219.jpgHave a holly jowly Christmas. We need to take up a collection to fix that shit, y’all. Go. Fund me.

IMG_3221.jpgFor no reason whatsoever other than she is a poor judge of character, Z is a Fan o’June. She is a Junello.

IMG_E3230.jpgAnyway, that sums up Christmas, and what annoys me is Z said about 109 funny things that I was going to repeat to you and I forgot them all like I did my mailbox. Everything just sieves out my brain now, and oh!

At one point this week, I was on the phone to my mother and reported to her that I was streaming Long Island Medium, because that is a really good show and you are wrong. IT IS.

The point is, at the end of the conversation, she said, “Okay, then, go back to watching Long Island Madame.” So that’s where I get it.

Also, THAT would be a really good show.

And that is today’s log for yule.

XO,

Hune

 

 

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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

62 thoughts on “Oh, did sleigh bells ring? I had my ringer off.”

  1. Please tell Girl Who Got A Pony For Christmas that that CHRISTMAS TREE IS GORGEOUS. Fun fact: I never ever, not once, ever wanted a pony for Christmas or for any other reason. Never went through that horse phase that girls go through. I blame the fact that I grew up in NYC. Having a BIKE was an ordeal and, in fact, I learned to ride that IN the apartment. Then the bike either had to be chained up in the bowels of the apartment building or schlepped back up to the apartment to be glared at by my mother because this was years before hanging a bike on your wall was de rigueur. In her mind it was clutter on two wheels.. So where in the name of God was a pony supposed to go?

    Also, please PLEASE assure me that the chicken that was roasted for dinner had not recently been one of the gang there. Please PLEASE tell me they bought a chicken at the store. Even if it’s a dirty lie, tell me that.

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  2. “After dinner and resentment…”

    Girl. It sounds like you had a lovely evening.

    After many long years I may feel inclined to correct my punctuation. Maybe.

    I had two Christmases this year. One with family and one with my friend. The one with the family turned out to be the second worst Christmas of my life. Traumatic. Back to work here and there is absolutely nothing to do. Shoot me. Shoot me, now.

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    1. I hate being back to work after Christmas. I am spending most of my time hiding out to avoid busy work. I’d rather go home and use some of my vacation time.

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  3. Aww, what a great Christmas post.
    Chris and Lilly’s tree is spectacular!
    Also, I agree with you on that lip chubby. Too orange.
    And June, your new vintage mailbox is Divine.
    Great post, Coot.

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  4. I was born correcting punctuation. And grammar. It’s just the way I was made. My family all accepts it. I tell myself the appreciate it, but that’s probably not real.

    What a lovely Christmas. Although poor Lily with her sad, sad childhood. My grandkids were here on Christmas Day and they too say so many funny things that I swear I will remember and then BOOM. Gone. Maybe our jowls are where we store our memories now.

    It’s so freaking cold here right now – we never left the house yesterday and probably won’t today either. In short – IT’S MY DREAM COME TRUE!

    Dancer – sounds like a “the shitter’s full” Christmas. There were some stories shared on the Book of Face of the Book of June – suffice it to say, you are not alone.

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      1. I have no friends at work so totally know where you are coming from. I used to have a ton, but buildings and job changes and now I could literally go the entire day without talking to one person yet my boss who is in another state refuses to let me work from home where I have an actual office and not pseudo-cubicle walls. Sorry, I took an extra does of bitterness on this cold NY day.

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  5. I got a little greenhouse for Christmas one year, from my Dad. It had a green styrofoam bottom with heating elements, some trays you filled with a seed starting potting soil, and a plastic dome that sat over the whole thing to keep the heat in. Well, “heat” like an easy bake oven kind of heat. Best Christmas since the year I got my Annie Oakley outfit (hat, vest, skirt, boots and six-shooter), fake ermine stole, and plastic princess high heels.

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      1. No, but she’s healthy enough to BE adopted. The woman at the shelter said she will get swooped up quickly, as kittens are very adoptable. I WILL BE OBSESSED until I learn she has a home.

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    1. Exactly, so why do I have to be here? All of my communication is through email and phone and at least I have my pets at home who like me……

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  6. Love that your cats enjoy the Christmas wrappings. Mine run when paper rattles. Roxie’s Mom, I also had a pair of those plastic heels. Haven’t thought of them in years! They were sparkly.

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      1. That’s why you needed the cowgirl boots that came with your Annie Oakley outfit. For when you needed to make a quick getaway.

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  7. I loved so much about this post!
    Yesterday I binged all of last week’s posts and had a June-coma for the rest of the day, chuckling to myself and wishing I had your social life.

    When you said you helped him pack up with the kids and left her there at the table, dead. Someone actually got a pony for Christmas! Please no one tell my adult daughter that. When we lived in Colorado she’d ask for a horse every year, and we said we didn’t have enough land to keep a horse. We moved to New Mexico, and the first time we went back to Colorado to visit relatives we made the mistake of going by the old house and the new owners… yes. They had a horse. My neck is still seared from the glare of firsborn daughter in the back seat of the car as we passed by that house. I couldn’t make eye contact with her for like a year.

    I like the orange on your, June. You can make anything look good.

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  8. I loved so much about this post – the joyless game pic, Steely Dan and Jodie Foster cuddling, horses, barn cats, and the grammar lesson. Unfortunately I needed it.

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  9. Oh my gosh, I love this post so bad!!!!! Everything! Too much to mention so I’ll just say EVERYTHING! Including Chris and Lilly’s dinner plates and the overflowing cat bowls. Everything! Did I mention that? I loved EVERYTHING! You can dang well bet I’m coming back in a couple hours and rereading everything again cause I loved EVERYTHING!!! Now I’m paranoid I used everything instead of every thing incorrectly.

    Just fucking googled it. “There is little, if any, difference in meaning between the two. Everything is now the default spelling, but is separated into two words when an adjective comes in the middle (every single thing).”

    You’re right, Junie!! So many rules disappeared over the years!

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  10. SOOOO much great stuff in this post! “krismuffph” made me laugh out loud. You had a really nice krismuffph. JF was rescued from the slammer, thus the badass. Chris and Lily’s kids are so cute and their home is lovely. That tree is beautiful. So much great stuff going on at their place. Paula, don’t worry, as long as the hens are laying eggs they are safe. I suspect they bought the hen. (I just learned that recently, when they stop producing eggs, well, not so good for the girls.)

    Best Christmas gift has to be my bicycle, but the cowgirl outfit with cap guns and REAL cowgirl boots is a close second.

    The lipstick is a bit orange for you, but I’m sure I could wear that because, yes, I have the same coloring as Doris Day. Remember the “Color Me Beautiful”? (Should that be a question mark, because I am asking a questions?) Most of you are probably too young to remember that fad, well I’m spring and Doris Day is also spring, thus the orange lipstick and peach blush. I have a tube of lipstick that I’ve used down into the inside of the tube because it is an orange-ish red and is the best color for me.

    I LOVE that mail box. It looks great with your purple door.

    Come to Hune’s blog/nonblog for the education. Loved the grammar lesson.

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    1. Everyone who worked in a chain bookstore in the early 1980s (raise your hands!) remembers Color Me Beautiful. It was a bestseller at the same time as Alice Walker’s book about Celie, and people would come in the store and ask, “Do you have that book, Color Me Purple?” Now I wish I had given them Harold and the Purple Crayon.

      Very nice Christmas, Coot.

      Liked by 1 person

        1. Other favorites, which I have probably shared too many times before: “What’s the name of that guy who writes all those books?” and “Do you have that book about Scientology called Diuretics?”

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  11. I think Co-worker Austin and his family are your kind of people. I love the picture they sent you. Their joyless expressions are the same face I saw on my husband when he opened one of his gifts, only his was worse! We have been married for 21 years and I will never understand that man! I was always taught that no matter what the gift is you are to act like it is something you have wanted your whole life. I am raising my son to be like me. When he was younger I told him that even if someone gave him chewed up peanuts and toilet paper he had to act like he loved it or all his other gifts would be taken away. It’s a running joke with us now but I think he got the point! I’m glad you had a nice Christmas. Even if the jerks at work don’t like you it looks like you have some good people in your life.

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    1. Just as a reminder, people at work might read this, and I could, you know, maybe get into trouble if we get all THESE PEOPLE SUCK, JOOOON about them.

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  12. Well, this was a fantastic post, Hune.

    SD and JF snuggling together in Edsel’s bed. S’cute. Except the one picture made me think “hee hee she’s by his butt” because I am 12.

    Menopause killed me dead.

    And I have to go read again and check out the dinner plates.

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  13. I love today’s not blog post, you do have a great social life! The picture of your friends’ joyless faces was hilarious!

    Happy New Year!

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  14. Love this post, and me and my jowls love the pics as well. I too, get so excited when I see old magazines ….I could look at anyone’s old pictures and have a good time. Really think I’m living in the wrong time. Lovely post. 4 stars on JoonFlix.

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  15. I could have sworn you had that mailbox already. I remember it from somewhere. Maybe I’m becoming the Long Island Madame and I just knew you were getting it. It’s very cute.

    Also, that portrait on the wall behind you and Z looks just like Chris!
    Z is adorable. She is your Mini Me.

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  16. Chris and Lilly’s home is beautiful, and it looks like a fun Christmas! Their kids are adorable too!

    She got a pony. hmmfff.

    I am going to miss little Jody Foster. She has been a fun visitor!

    Lovely post, lovely June!

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    1. See that look Austin’s wife is giving? IT’S FOR YOU!

      Actually, I told her she should get on here and yell at you all for lusting for her man. She appeared indifferent to this idea.

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  17. Great post. My daughter keeps insisting to me that it is OK to end a sentence with a preposition now. I refuse to believe her. She’s 25 and think she knows it all. I spent 25 years correcting her English to make sure she didn’t end a sentence with a preposition and she tells me this now. Say it isn’t so!

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  18. Austin’s family is going to need to line up all those cards IN A GRID to properly play that game. They can’t just be all over the table willy nilly like that! I want to reach through the screen and straighten them.
    Lovely Christmas post, June! I like your Santa jahmmies.

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  19. If the Two Broke Girls can raise one horse in a NY apartment, you can easily get away with two in a backyard. Great post overall but the Loaner Kitty and Jaguar photos broke my heart as didn’t Tahlula and Edsel lay like that with him propping up on her? I promise not to message you on FB but that’s probably easy since I don’t have FB which horrifies most people.

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  20. Your picture of the chickens is one of my most favorite photos! I don’t know why but it is perfect!
    I also love that you take a picture that accentuates your jowls and then add it to to your post.
    And you have done an excellent job of keeping foster child separate from the other children. I had been wondering how you would do that. I think she will be more adoptable…plays well with both cats and dogs. Feel better soon!

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  21. Absolutely adore that mailbox!

    I love that you aren’t keeping Jodie Foster. It means that you can help more kittens/cats should the opportunity arise again and it appears Steely Dan & Edsel are very hospitable hosts and doing a good job helping her and future fosters to become even more adoptable. Cheers to you!

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  22. “This seems as good a time as any to remind people that sentences that start with “Guess what” or “I wonder” do NOT NEED A QUESTION MARK AT THE END. They are STATEMENTS.“

    So, hold on. You mean that if I say, “Guess what I had for dinner last night” it does not require a question mark? My mind is officially blown. To me that is a question, not a statement.

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    1. It’s a statement. You are telling someone to guess what you had for dinner last night. Also, who wants to guess that, unless you ate Queen Elizabeth’s head or something.

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