For Dramatic Effect

What are we on? Like, day 193 of this cold? That’s my estimate.

Yesterday at work, I minced over to one of the seven people who are actually working this week, and announced, “I have a cold.” I may’ve even brought m’Kleenex box over, for dramatic effect. Which should be the title of my book: For Dramatic Effect.

“I guess I do too,” said my coworker, his Kleenex box off in the distance.

He guesses. He guesses he does too. Oh, stop being so low key.

Before we get onto other topics, like delving further into my cold, and by the way, you need to get home and get some rest. There’s no point pacing the halls worrying about me. I’ll need your strength when I regain consciousness.

Anyway, before we create a poll titled, How sorry do you feel for June, let’s look at today’s lipstick.

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Say, June, we’ve enjoyed that blemish as much as a human can.

Today’s OFFICIAL color is Whoppin’ Watermelon, and I had to get THIS CLOSE to even show that I HAD a color on. I’m like that guy at work. I guess I have lipstick on.

IMG_3326.JPGSo, because that was so boring, we stampeded to Pudgy Peony, and also Edsel’s undying love for me. I think he senses the end is near for me.

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to putt kitteee DOWN, pudgeee peee oh nee.

I don’t want you to get excited or anything, but tomorrow is Plushest Punch. If I live that long.

IMG_3314.JPGI saw this yesterday at the gas station, and I was all, Really? Cause I’m doubting that.

Also happening tomorrow, besides my continued silent suffering with this cold and Plushest Punch, is The Return of the Foster Kitten. She will be done with her antibiotics tomorrow, and when I take her back, on a Saturday morning, she will be the only kitten currently available.

This bodes well for her future.

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Taken right this second.

IMG_3334.JPGIMG_3338.JPGSay, June, is it gonna kill you to take her to a shelter and drive away? Why, yes. Yes, it do be.

Also, she photographs big. In all pictures, she looks almost like a catten, when in fact she’s just a teensy boop. Half the time I don’t know where she is, she’s so teensy.

So that should be devoid of tears, anyway, and I’m sure I’ll handle it as stoically as I do all colds.

Today is the last day before the New Year’s holiday, so I hope we get out early, because I feel magnificent. Ironically, I was invited to a happy hour, after all that fuss last week, and I’m too sick to go. Ned once told me I want to be asked to do things just so I can say no: Attend parties, happy hours, sex. Whatever with Ned.

The point of all this is two things: One: My new computer, which I can ill afford, is on its way to work today. I’m glad I had it sent there because someone on Next Door has one of those paranoid cameras on her front porch, and she shared video of some kid stealing her package, so to speak.

So I have all weekend to figure out how to transfer all my shit from one computer to another, and it’s good Jodie Foster is leaving, because no child needs to hear that many swears.

The other point is, yesterday I was sitting there with the seven other people who came to work, and I was all, “This is the seventh Christmas I’ve worked. There is only one copy editor who’s worked here longer than me. (The first is The Poet, who has worked there since 18 aught 9.) I’M SICK, and I have FIVE vacation days I did not take this year.

“WHY THE FUCK AM I AT WORK?”

So you know what I did? I went into our little system and requested December 26, 27 and 28 off for 2018.

BOOM.

IMG_E3322.JPGBefore I go, two things. Didn’t we just do a “two things”? Faithful Reader Deborah, look what’s on my table!

And deux, you know I adore my banner picture at the top of this not-a-blog. I love it so hard. But I thought for New Year’s, I’d throw in a different, seasonal shot. There were SO MANY I couldn’t choose! I thought I’d share them with the crowd. Also, can someone bring me more coffee? Jodie Foster is purring on my lap and I feel bad moving her.

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She’s been my little orange companion

Okay, here are the photos I loved. And I realize I’m the only freak who loves looking at old photos of people she doesn’t know, so you can probably just close your laptop now and check back tomorrow.

32e19e31fe29556f12626e94d51d5e83--happy-new-year-pictures-photos-vintage

Oh my god, right? In all my friendships, I’m Pudgy Peony, up there.

d025e8c5f0550ddf85c770b4cbc6d64f--happy-new-years-eve-happy-new-year-everyone.jpgAnd although I know this, I still secretly see myself looking like this every New Year’s Eve. Blowing into a flashlight.

bc7441ad4ac5f4cc4d5ef3fb84dc2d05--new-years-eve-basementsOh my god, take me to this party. I’ll give my cold to everyone. That woman on the right is looking at old pictures of people she doesn’t know.

Celebrating New Year's Eve

Our problem is, we don’t get drunk enough anymore. My father once told me about a party he went to with younger people, and they kept turning DOWN the music. That’s when he knew. This next generation is zero fun.

991ec58db7ed638ffe700bc15fa57869--vintage-ladies-vintage-stuff.jpgOh, THERE’S my soulmate. Also, LEOPARD PUMPS.

a78da0df05ace7bd7cf5ac421d4aba01--new-years-eve-happy-new-year.jpgOkay. That’s it. My life is FUCKING COMPLETE. The last two pictures are my perfect How I see Myself/How I Actually Am, including the cankles.

I’d better get to work, as it is important that I martyr as much as possible before the year is through. I figured it out, and I made 28% more money this year, due to the freelancing.

DAMN, Daniel.

I also had like zero free evenings, so. I had zero free evenings to learn phrases other than the tired Damn, Daniel.

I gotta go. Talk to you tomorrow, after I drop off Jodie Foster. Someone zip over to the animal shelter here and get her.

Coldly,

Juan

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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

49 thoughts on “For Dramatic Effect”

  1. I love how the background to the party picture is a water heater. Everyone is all dressed up for this party and the best they could do is metal folding chairs and a water heater!

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    1. Definitely a basement party. In Michigan, you always had your parties in the basement. Why? I remember my father’s June birthday, my July birthday, and my Aunt Mary’s late-July birthdays all in Grammy’s basement. Hey, it’s a beautiful summer day in temperate Michigan. Let’s all head to the basement.

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      1. Maybe they’re in the basement because they’re the teenagers and the adult party is going on upstairs. Teenagers from years ago always look so much older to me than they do now. Of course, that’s because we’ve got ten year olds with iPhones and “Juicy” scripted across their ass, hanging at the mall. My daughter refers to them as “prosti-tots.”

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      2. Yes to the basement birthday parties. Pretty much all the pictures of holidays with my father’s family were in basements, complete with folding metal chairs and card tables.

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    2. I was going to say the very same thing – that would be the kind of party I would throw. Everyone would get dressed up and I would make them sit in front of the furnace and the water heater. Forget the fact that we have a house with real furniture you can sit on.

      I love all those pictures! The grandma at the end was the best. She’s ready for anything.

      Feel better June! Maybe they’ll have new kittens that need a foster home when you go back to the shelter tomorrow!

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  2. My vote is for the photo of the lady wearing the clown hat and leaning to the side! She looks like she is having a marvelous time!

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  3. Our parties were always in the garage in the summer – we had neighbors who we invited to every single event and they never set foot in our house. How is that hospitable? They had to run home to pee.

    I do love every one of these photos. I love the table standing woman and her friends – some are thinking “she’s so fun!” and others with their pursed lips. And is that a nightie hanging from the ceiling? No wonder houses were constantly burning to the ground!

    And how weird is it that I am just reading June 1, 2009 where you explain your obsession with old photos of people you don’t know? The universe collides with itself!

    I pray today is the day you turn the corner with your health June. You cannot go on like this!

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    1. Although I just remembered we generally celebrated my brother’s July birthday in the basement – maybe it was cooler there? Or perhaps we were escaping the inevitable tornado?

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      1. I have never understood parties in the garage. That’s also a big Michigan thing. Why have a house if you’re gonna entertain in the garage?

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        1. As an adult I’ve only once been invited to a party that was held in the garage – a graduation party. It was a very NICE garage – complete with big screen TV and wet bar, so maybe great for having the guys over to watch the big game – but it was still the garage. And they had a small bathroom that was accessible from the garage, so they definitely built it as a party garage. It felt weird, like maybe they thought we weren’t good enough to let inside the house.

          I wondered – do you still have to clean your house when you plan a garage party?

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          1. Yes, because there will always be rule breakers who find a need to go in and poke around. You don’t want people saying No wonder they had the party in the garage – that house was a mess!

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  4. Feel better June!!!! Maybe you’ll be able to rally for the get together.

    Smart move requesting time off for next Christmas. I absolutely hate working the week before and the week after Christmas. There’s minimal to do, there’s usually not as many people around and too much left over junk food. Next year I’m taking the whole week after off if I can.

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  5. It’s very common here (Coastal Carolina) to party in the garage. The garage is usually fixed up like a club house with a bar and TV, rugs and comfortable furniture. I see it all the time.

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  6. The peony color is lovely. The other watermelon one is more like a clear gloss.
    Goodbye, little Foster girl, we will miss you. I hope you have a great long life.

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  7. You, Edsel and definitely Steely Dan are SO gonna miss that adorable ball of orange and white fluff. I’m pretty sure I’d have to kidnap her and keep her. Don’t think I could turn an animal back in after so much adorable bonding. You’re a better man than I am Gunga Din. Anne. Oh, and Happy New Year and feel better you embittered martyr!

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  8. So many good photos it’s hard to choose just one. Look at June drinking on the table surrounded by Austin’s family all celebrating joylessly. The look on their faces reminds me of his family game-night photo. That one and Mrs. Gumby’s lady-in-the-hat choice are my two favorites.

    The watermelon lipstick didn’t get my vote, but the Pudgy Peony is pretty. So is the beautiful new tablecloth from faithful reader Deborah. What a nice surprise.

    You gave Jodie Foster such a wonderful start in life, we are all going to miss her, especially you and your pet family. Fingers crossed that she gets a loving new home.

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  9. And you are the BEST for fostering JF! She will be so ready for a new, permanent home and you helped her with that! A tough goodbye, but I am so proud of you.

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  10. Hope little Jodie finds a wonderful forever home. You have been a good foster mom, June. Here’s to 2018. May it stink less than 2017.

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  11. I’m very sad Jodie has to go back. She seems to get along with everyone so well and love you. I understand though, you are doing the responsible thing. This is why I could never foster cats I would keep them all!

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  12. Remember the book you read while you were visiting? The people were proud of their “finished basement”. The picture here depicts an unfinished basement, but maybe it was in process. I always have my parties in the house, but people do basements and garages because usually they are bigger spaces than many houses. I like the lady on the table. She helps me understand why ceilings used to be so high.

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  13. You’re definitely not the only one who looks at old pictures. I have three different boards on Pinterest of photos of people I don’t know.

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  14. I forgot to ask in my last comment, did you catch Jodie Foster’s cold? And did Steely Dan stop sneezing? What else should I ask now that I’m asking questions?

    Feel better soon. You need to be ready to dance on the table on New Year’s eve.

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  15. My parents never entertained. I don’t remember the reason why. However, when my sisters and I reached our high school years, we more than made up for it. Heck, one party was such a rousing success that the local police department decided to attend.

    My son and his cronies use our garage for their gatherings. They like to hang out with the dirt bikes and tell stories and drink copious amounts of beer. Which wouldn’t be so bad except my son moved out 2 years ago. When I suggested they do their male-bonding at his apartment, they looked at me and said, “But this is Home.”

    I’m sorry that you have to surrender JodiFoster. And I really, really, really hope that one of your non-commenting local readers screams to the adoption place and adopts her.

    And also too, our neighborhood (and the surrounding ‘hoods) has a big problem with porch pirates. Someone is always on NextDoor complaining that their packages were stolen right off their front porch so it was smart of you to have your new computer delivered to your job.

    Plus as well, I HATE setting up a new computer. It’s a royal pain in the ass.

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  16. IN LOVE with those pictures! Goodness, just looking at that basement party gave me claustrophobia.
    Nothing to do with post, except for the many texts you received while you were at dinner had me thinking- do you think Ned will come around and maybe get that white kitty? Too bad he couldn’t take orange kitty…..but I know it takes time.

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  17. I loved Whoppin’ Watermelon – I guess that tells you a lot about my make-up choices!

    Before my Dad immigrated to the US, he and his 5 other ADULT siblings would party at each other’s houses. One night, they got so soused they convinced themselves that the house they were in was haunted. In the drunkenness they decided that digging up the entire basement of the rental house was a good idea!

    AMAZON QUESTION ALERT
    I recently placed two orders on https://primenow.amazon.com but I’m not sure if you’re getting credit for it since it’s a different website. I did click on over to Amazon from your page and then after that I opened in a new window the Prime Now website. If my behavior is any indication, when people use Prime Now they are spending quite a bit so if you need a separate affiliate link it might be worth it!

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    1. I meant to include “Before my Dad immigrated to the US from Canada…”

      I have one of the Paranoid Cameras because I had some unwelcome visitors (long lost family would shouldn’t have known where I live without copious amounts of internet sleuthing) to my house and it scared me. Anyway, last week the screen popped open and there were two kids, probably 8 or 9 years old, stealing all of my packages. I hunted them down as they gleefully were on their way to steal more. Turns out they had stolen probably 15 packages from various houses in their little crime spree. Parents were mortified and rectified everything. I was definitely happy to have the Paranoid Camera because otherwise I would have never known. The bummer was that in the 21 years I’ve lived here I have had zero worry about leaving things on my porch, I’ve had very expensive computer equipment sit out there for days without worry but I that little bubble has been burst.

      Also, tip for walking around the neighborhood, that little bugger is not flattering and catches a lot so refrain from picking your butt as you walk by your neighbor’s house!

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  18. I keep thinking about how lucky someone will be to adopt Jodie Foster. She’s already socialized to people and other cats and an Edsel. She’ll move right in to someone’s life and take over like a boss.

    I feel today like the gal in the last photo is me, or at least my future. Rumpled, dumpy and yet still trying.

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  19. I love the picture of the girl on the table. I grew up in Michigan, and have a particular fondness for basement and garage parties.

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  20. My mom once told me that when my Mamaw dies, she’s going to throw away all her old photo albums. I almost kicked her. I said “No. You will give them to me. You will throw away not one single picture.”

    “But we don’t even know who most of these people are.”

    “So?”

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  21. I am very concerned about you tackling a new computer in your weakened state. That may be too much drama. Even for Juan. I’m still transferring stuff from my old laptop 17 months after I got the new one. Curses on Carbonite that mysteriously stopped backing up to that Cloud somewhere up there sometime in 2016.

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  22. All of those photos are fabulous. I feel like the lady on the left in the first photo. Frumpy and “one of these things are not like the other” in life.

    June, I hope you live to see 2018.

    That little kitten will get scooped up and loved to death. Good job, June, doing this service for him and your shelter.

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  23. That woman on the right looking at pictures is probably our age. Sad.

    I like the one with the girl throwing her head back in laughter. I have named them Vivian and Joe. Vivian has a coursage, ruffley sleeves and perfect lipstick. I want to know more. Was something funny said or was she just tickled by Joe’s blower?

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  24. My favorite old picture is the first one. The lady on the left is so funny. The look on her face KILLS me. Like she’s trying so hard not to be disgusted by someone who farted.

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  25. Touched that you showed a photo of that tablecloth that used to be my mother’s. My mom (who died last year) would have turned 100 years old today. So thank you for that.

    The second to last photo at Miss Porter’s Day House for Single Women is fabulous. Clearly Miss Porter was not in the house when all the ladies were tearing up the joint.

    And the photos are a good reminder to us all that hats with chin straps don’t do any favors to anyone.

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    1. That is so cool, Deb! Teresa Caputo, the Long Island Madame, would tell us that is the side that spirit is with us and wants us to know she is OK. Also that it’s five dollars for a blowy.

      >

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    2. I do love that tablecloth! Man, I used to collect vintage linens, mainly tablecloths and napkins. I may have had close to 40 or 50 okay 60. I love the colors in that one, so pretty!

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    3. Deb,
      100! Woooeeeeoooo that June celebrated your mother’s 100th birthday by including her tablecloth today. Another Freaky Friday at June’s not-blog.

      In other news, Sue Grafton joined your mother on the other side yesterday. Her new book will be the letter Y, but there will never be a Z. RIP, Sue and Deb’s mother.

      Liked by 1 person

    4. R.E. chin straps not doing anyone any favors: I had to fly home yesterday with a fresh new case of the flu. This was awful in every way except one. I wore a face mask so as to not expose all my fellow travelers to the plague. The face mask was awful, yes, and the thing you really want to do when you’re feverish is to spend all day breathing warm damp on your face, but I digress. It tucked under my chin, thereby covering the very worst part of my chin degradation. You know, that chin-to-neck bend area that keeps shocking me with its lax sagginess? I dragged my wan self around all day feeling relieved that no one could see that area and therefore must assume that I am young and lovely. With my gray complexion and hacking cough.

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  26. All of these photos are wonderful, but my vote is for the girl standing on the table. All is to die for: the time period, the room itself, the hairstyles, the saggy silk stockings, the shoes, I wish I was there!

    Jodie Foster is gonna be someone’s perfect little boop because of your nurturing. I’m sure she’ll be scooped up fast.

    Nobody kill me, but I’m sort of ready to go back my office routine. I took the ornaments and lights off of my real (and very dry) tree today and my husband will soon drag it to the curb. The wreaths on the front door and windows still need to come down or the neighbors will begin to consider me tacky. Around Dec 29th and 30th is when I always get a little post depression so work is a welcome routine.

    Great post, Coot! I bet those ladies at the table never said THAT!

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    1. Our tree was so dried out and such a major fire hazard that as soon as we were done opening presents, we dragged it out of the house. I was terrified it would spontaneously combust.

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  27. Still suffering with your cold. Sorry to hear that. Great job taking time off next year! That is how I have to do it too, or I just plumb forget. I love all the pictures, and can’t wait to see which one you decide on.

    Happy New Year everyone!

    Lovely post, lovely June!

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  28. I love old pictures. I could spend hours looking at them and putting invisible caption bubbles on them.

    Nothing says fancy like partying with the water heater! My favorite is the gal standing on the table; the fashions and the home are great. The old lady with the crown on is priceless. Life is short, celebrate!

    Nice vintage tablecloth, and the chairs are neat.

    Hope Jodie Foster finds a forever home quickly.

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  29. That is a great tablecloth. The colors are perfect. The second lipstick, is that the watermelon, is the best one today.

    JF is going to be a great little kitty for someone. She will be missed. She does look big in the photos, but resting on your shoulder it is obvious she is still really small.

    I hope you have made it through the day being so ill. We got new phones yesterday and I’ve spend hours manually entering contacts that didn’t transfer from the old phone. We won’t even talk about the photos. I hate being so technology challenged!

    The lady on the table has to be my favorite photo, there needs to be some explanation as to why she is standing on the table.

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