I am a pleasure of life

Does my new computer make my arse look big? Are you sick of that joke yet?

This is my inaugural post on my new computer. Please note I received said new computer back in December, way back then, but it’s been Sisyphean hell trying to migrate all my old info into the current day. I worked harder on getting to the present day than that guy in Back to the Future.

I worked on getting to the present day harder than Dorothy Gale. Which works better?

How about neither, June.

So I’m on this new keyboard, and you know how when you zipped right out and bought the millennial version of Monopoly and that vellum money didn’t quite feel right? What do you mean I’m the only yahoo who went out and got millennium Monopoly?

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You should see the current-looking cell phone they have, as one of the millennium-edition game pieces. I think the good folks at Monopoly should’ve thought harder about evergreen pieces.

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An iron never goes out of style. Granted, that style of iron was last used by Mary Todd Lincoln, who because she was crazy thought it was a cell phone from the year 2000.

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Poor Mary Todd Lincoln. She probably wasn’t crazy at all. Probably Abraham Lincoln was a love avoidant. THAT WILL MAKE ANY WOMAN SQUIRRELLY.

Abe was probably having outside intrigue with John Wilkes Booth, as part of his love avoidance issue; hence the drama in the theater. I wonder if the people at the theater got their money back?

I didn’t take any Ritalin today.

Come on, June. You can’t be serious. With this laser-sharp post?

No one names their kid Abraham anymore.

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Before I spin into infinity, behold Roundest Raspberry, today’s Clinique Chubby Stick color. Yesterday I photographed Super Strawberry and slid it in, so to speak, at the bottom of yesterday’s post a few hours after I wrote you. So if you read first thing you missed that scintillating shot. You can still see it. A blog post is forever. By Judy Blume.

I’m sorry to tell you we have only two more lip colors to peruse: Voluptuous Violet, and what I really like is when people pronounce it “volumptuous.” THERE IS NO M IN THAT WORD.

And finally, Grand Mal Grape. No. Grandest Grape. I dearly wish I could see. Remember back when you could see? What the hell with that. You could see far away and up close, like it was normal. Now it’s Flight of the Bumble, over here, as I reach for the right glasses.

Anyway, as I was saying 472 paragraphs ago, it’s been Sisyphean trying to get this computer to take on the six years of endless stuff I did to the old machine. I have a total Baby New Year/Old Year situation going, and even when I was a kid, I never understood how a year, who was a year old, got so old in, you know, a year.

old-man-baby-new-year.pngDid I ever tell you my favorite horrible thing I did? It was new year’s day, 2005, and Marvin and I were headed somewhere. On the corner was this poor old man, looking shoddy. And I said, “Oh, look! It’s 2004!”

This is why I’m single.

I also get bugged when they have movies set in some old time, like the Middle Ages, and everything looks old. Like, thatched roofs look old. THEY’D LOOK NEW. The Middle Ages weren’t the Middle Ages for the people living in them. They were RIGHT NOW. And their shit looked new. Their copy of The Power of Now was brand-new.

Say, June, what say you, oh, pop a Ritalin and come back in a few.

OH MY GOD MY POINT, is that last night, I got home from work and had half an hour of freedom before I had yet another call with AppleCare to set this computer up some more, and I feel like people think that a single woman with a full-time job, four pets she solely cares for, freelance work and allegedly an exercise regime has time to talk.

After I fended off 11teen texts and calls for that half an hour, I got on the horn with AppleCare. Our biggest problem was that the photos weren’t switching over. I explained to the latest AppleCare guy–they’re almost always guys–that I blogged, apologized for still blogging, then told him I took photos of my everyday life every day.

“About how many photos do you think you have on your computer, ma’am?”

I did some quick maths.

Oh, June.

Let’s see. I had this computer for six years, and there are 365 days in a year…

“About 3,000,” I announced.

Finally, we located my photos. They HAD transferred over, but they’d landed in a weird place. But there they were, and we opened the Photos app.

And: 32,300. That’s how many photos I had. 32,300.

“That’s, heh, not 3,000,” the AppleCare guy mansplained to me. LIKE I’M AN IDIOT WHO CAN’T DO MATH OR…oh.

The only downside is I seem to have lost any photo I took from December 30 to January 1, but hoooo care. Also, after we hung up last night, I started deleting photos. I don’t NEED to, as this new computer is OHMYGOD so fast, but it’s just the idea. It was bugging me, having that many blurry, dumb, needless photos.

Currently I have 29,931 photos. LOOK AT JUNE GO.

Laura Ingalls Wilder had seven photos her whole life. But okay.

“But June, in the show, she…” Oh, shut up. That goddamned show.

I’d better get to work. That task is back. Remember that task I had that made me miss the work Halloween party, and later the work Christmas party? It’s back. Maybe it’ll make me miss Martin Luther King Day. Last year, we, as usual, did not have the day off, and all the people of color called in sick. It was a very Norma Rae moment, and now this year we have MLK Day off.

I’ll see you tomorrow. I want you to be emotionally prepared for VoluMPTuous Violet Bicks.

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“Oh, this old thing? Why, I only wear it when I don’t care WHAT I wear.”

Violet Bicks was probably raised by a Love Avoidant. Or maybe she was the granddaughter of Abraham Lincoln.

Linearly,

Juan

53 thoughts on “Does my new computer make my arse look big? Are you sick of that joke yet?”

  1. Also, “vo-lump-tuous” drives me insane. No one wants to be described as lumpy unless they are Fergie Duhamel.

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      1. I am not up to date and thought ‘Fergie ” might be the Crown’s Fergie..whatever happened to her anyway.
        Diana died and Fergie got lost.

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  2. My friend & I compare ourselves to Ma Ingalls. “Ma would’ve stabbed Carrie with a fork before taking the last biscuit. But I’m no Caroline.” I just read the new book about LIW. Her daughter sounds like she was often a pain in the ass. The book is interesting but not going to please LIW fans itching for new info about the family.

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      1. I knew she was annoying but this book has many quotes from her her diaries and correspondence that paint her as especially obnoxious. And after reading summaries of much of her writing you have to wonder if she ever had an original thought.

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        1. Has anyone read “Caroline”? It was a bit of an uncomfortable read – I mean I KNOW Ma and Pa HAD sex, but do I really want to know that they LIKED it?

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  3. I adore the dress on the lady in the blog header ( with the knee highs!) and the dress in the last photo.

    *I also must sort and get rid of a ton of photo images. Maybe digital photo collections are the foil ball of the 21st century?

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  4. Things I love:
    1.Flight of the Bumble. Dying over here. So me and my eyes too at the ripe old age of 51.
    2. you look so pretty in this pic…the hair , the skin, the lip color…the glasses look good and the hand on the chin is cute.
    3. I too hate the artificially added “M” to the voluptuous too. Makes me unnaturally angry.
    4. The Apple Guy Mansplaining. Kill me now. With his floppy hair to one side and his phony reading glasses…I can just picture him on his headset.

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  5. Happy new year!

    That exclamation point belies how much pain I’m in right now. Back went out on New Year’s Eve.
    Last year I brought 2017 in with a cold. Year before I brought 2016 in with a stomach bug. My versions of broken toes and slammed fingers.

    June, I absolutely LOVE that photo of you from yesterday’s post with your lip color of the day and your Kewpie doll eyes and curls. You are adorable.

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    1. I’m sorry about your back, PSS. That’s no way to celebrate the new year. Our friend came down with the flu on new year’s eve’s eve. So far, he’s not enjoying 2018.

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  6. I don’t know if there is any way to fix it, but WordPress is just awful at allowing us to share your posts on Facebook. What shows up on the Facebook post is just the title of your blog (not even the particular post title) with no picture or anything. And it doesn’t give me the option of adding a picture to the shared post. Instead, I have to copy the url, post that on my Wall, and then steal your picture and add that in.

    TL;DR – the share button on WordPress blogs doesn’t really work, not if you want people to actually click on what’s been shared. Just had to get that off my chest.,.

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  7. “Oh look, it’s 2004.”

    That is why there is coffee on my shirt, arriving there via my nose.

    #thanksjune

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  8. Great chubby stick color, raspberry. I was wondering if you used the same color that Lisa Eldridge did in her tutorial, when you did your smoky eye. Her chubby stick was a nude color. Was it harvest something? Crap, I forgot. But then at the end she popped on a red and that looked great too. I love watching her. I find her very soothing to listen to.

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    1. I don’t know yet! I think I’ll have the tiresome task of finding all the goddamn photos from the last 21-ish days, searching the body of each post for which lipstick name was which, and plunking them all in a post one after the other for comparison. (Only to have at the end someone say, Why are we looking at pictures of lipstick? Is that a face in your tree? Why do I see a face?) (Who’s Coot?) (Where’s Tallulah?)

      Drop-in-every-six-months-and-ask-questions people are my favorite. I know I should be, you know, happy someone dropped in. And I am. But CATCH UP before the Qs.

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  9. Good luck on the task. I am still in my pajamas. I am completely in denial that I have to actually have my shit together by Monday–when the semester begins. I haven’t done ANYTHING yet. I still may quit my job. I like staying in my pajamas.

    Lovely post, lovely June!

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  10. I love that you compare everything to the Laura Ingalls Wilder standard. My new favorite celebrity comparison comes from the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, “The Dionne quintuplets would be VERY disappointed in you “. I am sure those gals had way more than 7 photos, but less than 32,000. Today’s post is quite stream of consciousness, with many interesting rivulets. Lovely lip color, Coot.

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  11. Well I don’t need even blog and I have 7000 photos. And that’s just since 20 aught 12. The priors are on a separate hard drive. I’ve made it my goal to whittle that down and get rid of the drek. Who the hell will ever want to look at all these pictures we take? We should all just choose our best 12 ala Instagram.

    Love this post June! The free falls are my favorites- gets the old adrenaline rushing.

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    1. When we cleaned out my mom’s house I threw out tons of photos. Most of the people in them were 1/4″ in size, no way to identify who they were. Then, my husband and I threw out thousands of slides that no one on earth would want.

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  12. 32,300 photos is a LOT of photos!! Let’s speculate how many there are in various categories.
    27,000 with cats
    450 with Ned studying menus
    25 with Chubby Sticks
    I love your photos. I know it feels really good to delete stuff you don’t need, though.
    Lovely, boingy post, June!

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  13. My favorite part of the header picture, and forgive me if this has been discussed, but I am delirious from toothache pain, is that the broad on the left is wearing knee highs. I am convinced she is also going commando, and that’s why she got the comfy chair, not the metal folding chair and why she’s got that look on her face. My least favorite part is that the chair matches the drapes. Not an euphemism. You know how I like matchy-matchy, but that print is just hideous.

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    1. @Paula
      She is totally commando. She’s doing it because she’s trying to spice up her marriage because at 35 and married for 20 years, she thinks there should be more and things seem to be lacking some……. excitement. She read about going to a party without undergarments in Mademoiselle and decided to try it out. But her husband has had 4 scotches and keeps talking too close and laughing too loud with that little floozy who married Mr. Johnson and moved into his house. That’s why she has that look on her face.

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      1. I had a completely different back story for the bored lady in the header. Her husband promised to take her out, but what she didn’t realize was that he was taking her out to visit his mother. He’s just out of the picture telling his mother an amusing story while his poor wife is bored out of her mind because she’s heard that particular story multiple times. She’s thinking, “I got all dressed up for this?”.

        I noticed the knee-high stockings right away, but good catch on the matching chair and drapes, Paula, because I completely missed it. I was too busy concentrating on her bored-with-life face.

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    2. Is that what that band is? Every time I open June’s page, I obsessively look at her legs, wondering what the hell that is! Never thought of knee-highs. I figured that would be scandalous in those days. I mean, I only started wearing knee highs under a skirt a few years ago when the maxi skirts came in.

      The lady at her right totally knows she’s wearing knee-highs and going commando. That’s why she’s giggling.

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      1. These are “stocking” the band is elastic and put on after you pull the stockings on to hold them up. My Granny had those all her life. And they only came up as far as to be under your longish dress. Not even to her knees.

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    3. I completely missed the knee highs! I was so busy trying to figure out if she was sitting ON the drapes or if someone had actually chosen that fabric not once, but twice. Horrible!

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  14. Also, when I was just out of college and was working some crappy temp job as a lunch delivery driver and all the union cooks and dishwashers were planning a one-day strike, my boss called me in and said he expected to see me at work the next day. So, instead, I called in sick in solidarity. That was MY Norma Rae moment. In case we’re all sharing them….

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  15. My poor kids – I compare everything to what Laura Ingalls Wilder had. When they complain that I don’t let them stay up late and binge watch, it’s “Laura Ingalls Wilder never even HAD Netflix.” When they go out without a coat and the school bus doesn’t show up for 20 minutes, I’m all “If Laura Ingalls Wilder hadn’t listened to her mother and worn those long johns, she would have frozen to death way before she ever bumped into the corner of that last house on Main Street.”

    It never ends. My poor children…

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    1. I totally used to do this, too. When my daughter would complain about some simple chore, I took pleasure in reminder her that Laura had already been to the well, brought water back to the house, AND had made a batch of soap BEFORE BREAKFAST.

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    2. Love the Laura comparisons. My new favorite, from the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, is “the Dionne quintuplets would be VERY disappointed in you right now.” Your post today is lovely, Coot. A stream of consciousness with many fascinating rivulets.

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  16. I like the raspberry color too. Setting up a new computer is the biggest pain. Glad you found the pictures at least. Poor Violet. She looks so….covered up compared to the harlots of today.

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  17. The raspberry lipstick also looks pretty on you. And I have to disagree, I don’t think Violet Bicks avoided any love. That is, unless she was just a flirt.

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  18. Love, love, love this post. In my mind I can just hear you talking a mile-a-minute, with red streak flying past you.

    When you started doing the maths, I was thinking that must be about 30,000. Then you come up with 3000? I laughed when the Apple guy was surprised at the number of photos. I had to call our cellphone provider and actually talked with a very nice young lady. I think she felt sorry for me because of my lack if technical skills and gave me her direct phone number.

    I think yesterday’s lipstick is a better color for you than today’s. Thank you for clarifying the added photo of yesterday.

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  19. I don’t care about being able to not see as well, but it bugs the shit out of me that my rib cage and waist are no longer as tiny as Violet Bicks’s.

    DAMN YOU, VIOLET!

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  20. Dear Juan,
    Reading your post today is like accidentally dropping a superball in a room with a lot of breakables, and watching with your breath held, to see if it’s going to break anything as it careens and shoots across the room.

    That’s some fine entertainment!

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  21. I love these kinds of posts. It’s like a warm up for my brain, seeing as it’s not even 6 am in the morning here(!). Off to Google the fuck out of Violet Bicks. I like that chubby color and I must go back to look at yesterday’s.

    Nice five Coots, ass stick. I’m so confused as to what we’re SUPPOSED to say…

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      1. I KNOW, but it wasn’t like an Amazon link I didn’t know who she was. I’ve only seen “It’s a Wonderful Life” about three times.

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