Aging ungracefully · Beauty products · I am high-maintenance

Whole lotta leopard

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wut??

What I admire about Edsel is his unencumbered ability to release 20 seconds of stepped-on-a-duck-sounding gas with nary a flinch.

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edz chillz

I have today off, and yet I am still here, in my leopard footie pajamas, talking to you. I’m supposed to be sitting around thinking about Martin Luther King. Who was something of a philanderer despite all the good he did, and I’ve been thinking about how you can admire people who were also terribly flawed. Like, you know, Woody Allen. I can’t help it; I still like his movies.

Other than those deep thoughts, I spent the weekend spending money I don’t have. I was in a sad bra situation. Steely Dan had, of course, eaten the strap of my favorite one, and my next-favorite was coming apart, so you could see the innards of that bra, which was appealing. Then I have like four uncomfortable ones that make me want to kill myself and give me a rash.

So I went to Soma and found one style I like, after getting measured by the young thing there. A lot of her job is looking at strange women’s jugs. She not only measured me, she came into the room about 46 times and said things like, “You’ve got good lift with this one.”

It was almost a dirty movie except for where we didn’t kiss or make that stupid hissing though our teeth noise that people make always during dirty movies and never in real life. Also, “dirty movies.” Okay, grandma.

IMG_3614.jpgFrom Soma, I noted that you could walk right over to the Chicos next door, without going outside, so right then I knew: Chicos and Soma are somehow related. Like how they found out that Julia Child and Marilyn Monroe are seventh cousins or whatever.

I have always said that if I get so middle-aged that I start popping into Chicos, you know my days of being cool are over for me. I’d like everyone who knew me in my 20s to abstain from pointing out that I have not for one minute been cool.

But really. Back when I used to go shopping, I’d scream into The Gap, Express and J Crew, which just now as I wrote that I realize I solidified that “not for one minute cool” thing.

Now I go into those stores of yore and I’m all, What’s with these weird shirts? Why aren’t there purple mock turtlenecks and black miniskirts like there used to be?

So I went to Chicos. Chicos, don’t be discouraged. I am pleased to say I did not purchase anything, although I did give those leopard pants up there some of my time and thought, which detracted from thinking about Martin Luther King.

Because nothing says “I’m cool” like leopard pants from Chicos. I did not get them.

Then, as if I weren’t the poster child for menopause quite enough, I zipped on into Soft Surroundings.

“I might as well just finish off the day by buying some Replens,” I texted my Aunt Mary after I put on my readers, which I also might as well hang from a chain around my neck. Aunt Mary assured me I’d crossed over into middle age the second I darkened Chicos’… lack of doorstep. It’s weird when stores let you walk in from the other store like that.

I’ve given you an Amazon link using Replens, here, and you are welcome. I will be SHOVING AMAZON UP YOUR ASS LIKE I’M YOUR PERSONAL REPLENS for awhile, cause I’m trying to raise $3,000, and don’t let me forget to tell you why.

Oh my god, anyway. So I got m’bras, and then the other reason I wanted to shop was I really need more shoes that you wear when it’s actually cold out. I have some little ankle boots I bought in 2015 that are a little shoddy at this point, and some really old, maybe circa 2010 other boots that are just cat-fur boots at this point (I am literally puss in boots), and I wanted to upgrade from my Little “Got a Match?” Girl look I had going.

I shoe-shopped for 106 years, and here are the practical, keep-your-feet-warm shoes I decided on, brought to you from my footie pajamas.

IMG_3634.jpgSome blue flats with gold trim. Tensing Norgay wore these to climb Everest, so practical are they for winter.

IMG_3635.jpgAnd some darling little great-in-snow flats with a strap. Also I have to vacuum the closet, I see.

IMG_3616.jpgI also considered these. Not only are they perfect for cold weather, I can also wear them during all my curling matches.

When I wasn’t spending money I don’t actually have,

(Mother of god, click and go to Amazon and shop, please. Also, these are Ivanka Trump pumps. You’re welcome. Again.)

I was watching The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel on Amazon. Have you watched this show? It’s magnificent. And also…

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I was playing with an app called, you know, Google Arts & Culture. I tell you this because even though the image above reads, “Google Arts & Culture,” someone will say, “What the name of the app, JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO” and then I will kill myself before we get to the N.

You go on the app and it asks you to take a selfie, then it finds art you look like. I like how this one, above, made me way hotter, and technically that’s apparently a boy. A boy who’s hotter than me.

IMG_3621.jpgOld Nose McGowan is more like it, sadly.

IMG_3625.jpgI also thoroughly enjoyed being compared to Jo the Beautiful Irish Girl. June, the Maybe a Six on a Good Day American Girl really enjoyed that.

Oh, but this brings me to my point. Hah. A friend of mine, and I won’t name names, had something done recently called Ultherapy. It’s like these pulses of heat they do to your face and it regrows collagen or something, and while I DO NOT SEEK ADVICE about whether I should get it or not, what I have to do now is save up to get it, and it’s three fucking thousand dollars.

See how mature? June COULD just charge it, but she isn’t, as JUNE WANTS HER COLLAGEN TO GROW. June is delaying her gratification and her collagen. June is going to bug the shit outta you to shop Amazon using her link. THERE IS ALWAYS A LINK AT THE SIDE OF MY BLOG if you’re on your desktop and at the bottom if you scroll for a hundred years if you’re here on your phone.

There is a woman who works for WordPress, who wrote me when I got here and said, “I will help you with all your WordPress needs” and mother of god, does she regret that. I’ve had many WordPress needs. Anyway, she’s gone way above and beyond for me, but neither she nor I can get that Amazon link to appear beautifully under each not-blog post when you’re looking on your phone.

And also, people are forever saying, “I clicked over to Amazon from June’s blog, but I’m not sure it worked.”

If you clicked on any image that I tell you is a link to Amazon, there is a little code that lets Amazon know you came from here, no matter where you go or what you buy. It “went through,” I promise. And I know you think I can see everything you buy, but here’s what it looks like when you buy something…

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There used to be a spreadsheet showing what, exactly, was purchased, in about 6-point font, but damned if I know how to get to that, and also hoooo care. So all your Replens purchases today will be unknown by me.

Anyway, you can see for the last month I’ve made a big $279, and that 383 of you clicked, which THANK YOU. So if I do that well each month (and I won’t because that was Christmas) and I freelance out my ass, I can get Ultherapy by, oh, 2019.

Goddammit.

Anyway, that’s my goal. Maybe I should set up one of those thermometers they use for fundraising.

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I like this one, that’s fairly pornographic. I wonder if the thermostat sucked in air through its teeth first.

I leave you now, mostly because it’s cold AF today and even though I’m in my footie pajamas, I have a chill. Maybe if I put on some of my new sensible shoes…

In search of collagen,

June

53 thoughts on “Whole lotta leopard

  1. I am 36 years old and howling with laughter because I totally use Replens. I have vaginal atrophy from years of not getting laid and dryness from my birth control. Oh my gosh it saved me. But WHAT THE HAY thought I wouldn’t need that stuff for 25-30 more years!

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  2. “…hissing though our teeth noise that people make always during dirty movies”

    Um… not sure what kind of dirty movies you are watching but that sounds like snake porn

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    1. Okay, it’s more of a sucking through the teeth sound. When I get home for lunch, I will imitate said noise on my webcam for you. Was very busy watching an episode of Victoria this morning and could not blog.

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      1. I will now commence living for this moment.

        Also, I dream of a job where I could go home for lunch and have time to do something. Anything. My lunch “hour” is 30 minutes which translates to 22 by the time I actually get away from my desk which means 18 by the time I get to the staff lunchroom which means 14 by the time I get a shot at the microwave, which means 11 by the time my food is warm, which means 7 because I need 4 minutes to put my stuff way and get back to my desk. THIS IS NO WAY TO LIVE.

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  3. I especially love those flats WITH your pajama-ed feet! So cute!

    I am way too scared to do any of the collagen stuff, and the $$$? No. Way. I am a chicken.

    Lovely post, lovely June!

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  4. Those are Crown and Ivy flats, right? I have been admiring those forever. Love the plum shoes, too. You always look cute, Joon!

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  5. Soma…I love their products and my husband encourages my Soma habit. We were last in a Soma store on vacation last fall and I was nearly claustrophobic from having 4 (!) pushy clerks trying to force me to buy products that were not flattering, nor did they have matching bras/panties in stock of the sizes I wear (nothing weird). I ended up with a cold shoulder tunic and a roller ball perfume. I have much butter luck ordering online or letting my husband surprise me (he’s a shopper–I know, that’s rare).

    Last week I was at an out of town Walgreen’s when the cosmetic-chic asked me if I knew about their Senior Tuesdays (discounts). I informed her that I didn’t qualify. Damn, that pissed me off. Good thing I didn’t ask her how long it took her to get her layers of high-tech makeup on… I don’t look or dress like a senior either.

    Very cute shoes, June. I haven’t found any cute flats that are made as such that I am able to put both my foot orthotics in without them showing 😦 I have flatter than flat feet. My feet must be older than the rest of me.

    Another Mrs. Maisel fan here. We binge watched it over a couple evenings in December and enjoyed it. Love the fashions, styles, etc, much like Mad Men.

    Speaking of Amazon, I’m doing my part to help with your kickbacks.

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  6. June, I tried clicking on the porn thermometer to buy one for myself on Amazon but the link doesn’t work! (***that’s a joke by the way!***)

    BUT, BUT, BUT more importantly, I figured out a hack to make clicking on an Amazon link from this here not-blog from a phone. Being lazy always pays off! So instead of scrolling down for an hour to find the link, click on “Menu” (that’s at the top between your header and the tags for the day’s entry), then click on either “About” or “Contact” which will only make you scroll a teensy bit. “About” is a shorter scroll for my fellow SuperLazies™.

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  7. I love how June shows us her purchases and we all ewww and awwww all over them. I think she should do a fashion show every day to show us how to dress non-middle-agish. Have y’all ever gone to the that one woman’s blog who shows you how to dress as a woman in her 50’s? She puts all these outfits together and talks about how she wore this one to this shindig and how she wore that one to another event. How freaking big is her closet? Cause mine is exactly 36″ wide. THat’s it. If it doesn’t fit in that closet then it goes away. Oh and the shoes? Imelda Marcos had nothing on this lady.

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  8. One of my favorite websites is Real Self (www.realself.com). It’s a plastic surgery/cosmetic website where people write reviews for procedures they’ve had done. Once I log on, I peruse that site for hours. Anyhoo, I’d look up Ultherapy. Seems some people hated it. At any rate, you’ll have fun reading people’s diaries and looking at all the pictures.

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  9. “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel” is so good! I binged it and was so sad when I got to the end. I really need to be more disciplined with shows I love so I can enjoy them longer.

    Your shoes are so cute! I hate when my feet are cold so my desire to keep them warm totally overtakes my desire to have cute footwear in the winter. I also hate when my feet are wet so you can imagine my opportunities for cute footwear is pretty limited living in Washington.

    This intermittent fasting, Low Carb High Fat thing I’m doing over here is a lot easier than I thought it would be. Other than the sourdough bowl of Clam Chowder I had yesterday after a cold day at the wild animal park with the kids yesterday, I’ve been doing great. Not eating after 8pm and waiting until 12pm to eat again is easier than I thought it would be. I already don’t feel as bloated as I usually do so right there it’s worth it!

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  10. Why isn’t it Chica’s? Chico’s. It even has a stupido name. I will never be able to shop there because of Michael Phelps’ mom.

    Last time I tried on something leopardy, the saleschild told me “Cougars need to be careful how much leopard they wear at one time.” Haha, you stupida chica.

    I love The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. Those clothes! Those apartments! The make-up counters! The acting is wonderful. The star grew up in the town I grew up in and dated the son of one of my friends. Apparently, she is as sweet as she is talented.

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  11. I LIKE that all of my heroes are flawed. It is encouraging to me to think that no matter who you are you could achieve great things.

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  12. I love every single item in Soft Surroundings. And yes, it is surrounding yourself with all the soft things. So so soft.

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  13. I did the ULTherapy thing. It does work, but let me say it hurts like a mother. After I was done that day, the receptionist chick said “You’re really tough. Most people can’t do the whole thing in one sitting”. Um, WHAT? No option to stop and come back another time was ever mentioned. My god. Also, “no down time” means that you can do whatever but you won’t want to go anywhere for at least a week. No amount of makeup (if i could have stood to put it on) would have covered the bruises I had.

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  14. I used to love to shop. Now, not so much. It has to be a perfect day. Good hair, good makeup and not bloated. It’s very rare I hit all three in one day.

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  15. Great post, now I know not to step foot into Chicos! There is another treatment that stimulates collagen called Thermatight. I don’t know much about it, but I’m interested in the collagen-stimulating treatments. I’m thinking of doing the SkinPen for my face as it’s rated VERY highly for helping keep your skin younger looking as you age. Good luck saving your money! I know you can do it!

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  16. I like your choices in sensible snow boots. How much snow do you get each year anyway? I’ve had the same snow boots for over 20 years. My son outgrew his; so now I have two pair. I should be good for life.

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  17. Would like audio of stepped-on-a-duck-sounding gas. I know I’m weird. Dog farts are funny.

    Lovely shoes, Chico.

    Also too I want to get the ugly spider veins sucked out of my legs, but I haven’t dared inquire at the cost of that. It may be cheaper to just get them tattooed over.

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    1. I have read his stuff, I think we just need more income. We do not have credit card debt, my husband’s car is over 10 years and the car I drive is 7 years old. We do have an emergency fund but I would like some savings for just spur of the moment fun stuff and we have a kitchen remodel fund but at this rate it will be 10 years before we can get it done.

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  18. We all are a bit flawed. Surprising, I know. Good for you!!! Saving for the Ultherapy and not putting it on a credit card. You know, often I will get $10 or $20 cash back from my debit purchases and just put it away for things I don’t want to buy on credit. Surprising how much money you can save doing that. I did that for my mom and it prevented a crisis when she had to have a new roof and I had managed to squirrel away enough for her new roof. Also, too, cute warm shoes.

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      1. LaUral, I had to use that system, because my mom didn’t have any money. To tell the truth, when she had to have that new roof I was awake all.night.long worrying how she was going to pay for that roof, THEN I remembered I had the squirrel money. I was so relieved.

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        1. How long had you squirrelled? And how did you put it all in one place where you could remember it and yet not be tempted to dip into it?

          Am fascinated. And in awe.

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          1. I probably put that money aside for a couple of years, maybe more. I put it in the gray box (a metal, fireproof, locking file box where I kept our insurance policies, wills, etc.) knowing it was for emergencies ONLY. I just knew I could NOT touch that money, so I just sort of forgot about it. I had her roof replaced, two years later we had a terrible hail storm and the gutters were damaged. When the insurance adjuster came to give me an estimate for the gutters he replaced the roof as well because of the damage. So, I had to pay the deductible, which was a LOT cheaper. That is one of the most stressful times of my life, taking care of her and managing her money. I watched her money a lot better than I do my own. I was like a junkyard dog guarding her resources so I would have enough to take care of her.

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          1. Ano, his system works extremely well. My husband and I have facilitated about eight or nine classes and we have seen people with huge debt dig out and stay out of debt.

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    1. Tee, how do you get cash back from debit purchases? Seriously. I only use my debit card for cash at the atm, but might change my ways if I can get more money from debit purchases than I can from putting all my purchases on my Costco card.

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      1. When you pay for purchases with a debit card the scanner asks if you want cash back. If you select “yes,” then they give you amounts from which to select, $10, $20, $40, etc. Most places $60 is the limit of cash back and I suspect you can get a lot more out of the ATM, but I’ve never used an ATM (automatic terrorist machine). I understand there is a limit of cash you can withdraw from the ATM at one time. It’s not an awards-earned type system.

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  19. Lovely post, Joon. And lovely shoes. I love cute shoes, however, I have feet the size of Alley Oop (talk about a man with a cankle!), thusly and thereforthly, the only shoes in my size are, well, snow boots. Without the leopard print. So I say, keep buying shoes. And posting the pictures.

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  20. Good job on the boot selection! Every time I get ready to leave the house my husband says “are those the shoes you’re wearing?” Oh, seriously. Just stop.

    I continue to click on June before heading to Amazon. Making June’s thermometer spurt since 2017.

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  21. I just came in here to check for today’s post but it wasn’t here yet so I started tooling around. I found that I MISSED several blog posts when my sister had her surgery in December. I’m not sure how I missed them. But it’s like I have NEW POSTS to read! When I went back to your blo—website homepage the new post was here!

    Lovely shoes, Coot. Lovely post, June.

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