Your Terrible Flaw

Yesterday, or whenever the hell I last wrote to you, I mentioned a very fake hissing noise that actors make only during dirty movies and no other time. Faithful Reader Steve, who I know in real life, told me he didn’t know what I was talking about. He accused me of watching snake porn.

If that is really a thing, I know for a fact that faithful reader Tee has never ever watched it. For she hates a snake.

Also, I am speaking into my phone during my lunch break and do not have time to go back and capitalize “faithful” and “reader.”

Anyway, behold a video of me making the fake sucking-in-through-your-teeth noise that they make only in dirty movies and no one ever makes in real life.

Also, my nose is so horrendous. Seriously, that thing belongs in a museum. Or the Guinness book of world records or something. Speaking into my phone is almost not even a time-saving device, so often do I pause and see things I want to go back and edit, like capping “book” and “world” and “records.”

I went to see the movie I, Tonya this weekend. Did I tell you that? It’s really good. I have also recently seen the shape of water, which I’m certain my phone also will not capitalize so please capitalize it in your head. This entire process is likely to give me a hive.

Tonight, The Poet and I are going to see Lady Bird. What I’m saying to you is I’ve been seeing a lot of movies lately. Good movies, I think.

I have to go back to work now, although I am taking Edsel to dog daycare for the afternoon. Let’s see if he wants to go…

That’s a yes.

Before I leave you, let me ask you something: Is there anything about yourself that you think is sort of crazy or shameful that you try to hide in the hope people don’t realize?

For me, it’s definitely my screwed-up relationships with men. When I was in my teens and 20s and I was dating, I kind of thought these were normal things that happened in relationships. I would be with someone, and feel obsessed and crazy, thinking that whatever man I was with would stop loving me, or would go away, or was cheating on me in some way.

Then we would break up and I would be obsessed and depressed and hysterical, till I met someone else. Then the whole thing would start again.

At the time, I wrote it off to my youth. And I figured everyone had relationships the way I did.

Then I met Marvin, and I didn’t feel that way at all. I completely trusted him and felt completely sure of myself. So when you all met me here on my blog, I was like a sane person. I was sane the entire time I was married. I mean, I could feel the shift in my head. My thoughts didn’t race or anything.

I think I was under the impression that I had grown out of being a crazy person in relationships, but then I got divorced and here it is all over again. I am the same crazy person, just older.

This is my secret thing that I think is crazy and shameful about me and that I hope people don’t figure out.

The part where I’m just up and telling you about it is the part where I’ve decided that’s bullshit. This is my flaw. If this is the worst thing about me, then so be it.

I’m June, and my love relationships are unmanageable. Hi, June.

But does everyone else feel this way? Do you have a thing that you think is sort of awful about you and you hope no one sees it? If so, what is it?

I have to go. Edsel’s singing songs and carrying signs in an attempt to get me to take him to dog daycare.

When I get to work, I will put the webcam link to him playing in the comments.

See you at the snake porn theater. Where we’ll all enjoy Splendor in the Asp.

June

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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

94 thoughts on “Your Terrible Flaw”

  1. My thing is that I truly do not care about other people. I don’t care about their kids, their trials and tribulations, nothing about them interests me. I just want to be left alone. But my job requires me to be friendly and outgoing. I fake it, but all the while I’m running a grocery list through my head (or thinking “shut up dumbass”) as I smile and act interested on the outside.

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    1. Terrible flaw. I had a brief (less than a year) marriage to a man that I had only dated a couple of months.

      I had known him for years as the step father of one of my daughter’s friends. He had gone through a bad divorce and I felt sorry for him thinking he was such a stand up guy.

      Without getting into all the details, the whole thing was a dysfunctional mess. It finally ended when I discovered a tracker in my car. He would show up place I was at. By the end I literally thought I was going nuts.

      It’s something I don’t tell many people because it’s so shameful that I got myself into such a mess. I was so embarrassed that I didn’t talk to my family for months and they didn’t even know I moved.

      I’m not sure a lot of people believed me about why I left him. Recently he did the same thing to someone else and she actually made a statement about it on Facebook. So I did get some vindication and feel better.

      I haven’t had a relationship since then and it’s been almost six years.

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  2. How am I the first to comment? Whoopee! Anyway, enjoy Lady Bird. It is set in Sacramento, which is where I currently reside. You are welcome to visit.

    Also too, I have a love hate relationship with talk to text on my phone. It is SO much faster and less carpal-tunnel-y than typing (plus I can’t do the two thumbs tying thing like the youngsters). But then I have to train all my friends to read my texts phonetically instead of literally.

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  3. I am selfish and not willing to stand up for wrong when I should. I found this out while visiting a concentration camp in Germany on my honeymoon 7 years ago and I said to my husband serious as a heart attack, why didn’t they just say they love Hitler and live? I think he may have wanted to go back in time and not marry me for a second.

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  4. Funny you should ask. I have been thinking about this a lot lately, and for the first time naming it to myself as a feeling of shame, that I am now 48 years old, I have a 6-year-old daughter with a man I’ve been with for nearly 12 years but am not married to, and that we continue to rent houses as a family instead of owning a home and living in one place while giving our daughter a stable life. I feel like he and I could break up any day, that we’re barely holding it together only for her sake, and the fact that we live in a nice (rented) house in a nice community of homeowners (the homes in our ‘hood are WAY beyond our means), in a good school district (this is why we live in this expensive neighborhood – for the schools), and that the other families will “find out” that I am/we are a sham as a family. That we’re not “like them”. My daughter was born illegitimately, her parents aren’t in love, she will likely soon have to face the anxiety of going to a new school (my daughter’s a sensitive soul – her teacher AND the mother of a friend of hers, who is a child psychologist, both actually brought it up to me that she might need a little extra help with her sensitivity level), and that she’ll likely have to face the anxiety of her parents breaking up. The community we’re currently a part of assumes we’re married and that we own our home. People who do know we don’t own often ask Why? The truthful answer to me is a source of shame for me: We aren’t married, we are both afraid (and don’t have enough money to afford) to buy a home together because we don’t have a lot of hope for our future together, and we’re just biding our time – for our daughter’s sake. (We don’t yell and scream and fight, and she doesn’t yet know we’re not married, and to her we’re a happy family.) I once did own a condo, but took a big capital-gains tax hit when I sold it, which I just paid off – I couldn’t buy something on my own until I paid the IRS. But now I have no savings to buy a house.

    Rambling I know, but there you have it.

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    1. No, do not do that to yourself! There is no clear definition of FAMILY, all the rules are out the window. We moved and rented houses for 18 yrs, my girls thought it was fun, although my oldest AT 39, remembers the summer we spent in Nantucket as the time she lived out of the Honda!
      DO NOT BE AFRAID!

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      1. What in God’s name drove you to PAY REAL MONEY to visit a concentration camp as a celebration of journalism bliss? Are you still married?

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  5. Here. Lemme just discount everyone’s heartfelt admissions with a link to my dog playing. This is like my old post I read recently, where I’d just spent a whole day and all my money on Tallulah, who was clearly very sick and I was starting to realize the true horror of it, and after the post I wrote, the first comment was someone who wrote just: “FIRST!”

    Anyway, here’s the link: http://www.dogdaysgreensboro.com/index.php?op=webcamfront

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  6. I hide pretty much everyone and their posts on Facebook. I hide their likes and their memories and their links. I’ve even hidden family members. Then I told them to stop linking to crap that no one cares about, and that worked for awhile, but then I had to hide them again. So I’m kind of loving your first commenter right now for making me feel like I’m not alone in my not caring about other people, at least on Facebook. Heh.

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  7. Oh my, you want us to name just ONE? I also, too, do not wish to divulge especially since my real name and real town is my username…soooo, I will just comment on dog daycare. I love that sweet dog just sitting on the red slide taking it all in.

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  8. I am a narcissist. I tend to manipulate people around me. However I am trying to do better so when I realize that this is happening, I back off and regroup. I have been working on my behavior for the past couple of decades and I think I’m controlling it well. Often I have overcompensated and become a door mat for a few people. Being human is difficult sometimes.

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  9. You are so right, you won’t find me watching anything snake movie, or porn, for that matter.

    Oh Beauty, your situation makes my heart hurt. I hope you can work out your relationship with your child’s father, especially for your child’s sake. Adults heal, children have scars for life. June, I think when you were with Marvin you had no reason not to trust him. Trust is a huge factor and a true condition of comfort in any relationship.

    Trust is a huge deal to me and there are very, very few people that I do trust.

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    1. Oh, he absolutely was trustworthy, I think. I wouldn’t be surprised if he, maybe in that last month or so, made on OK Cupid profile or something. But for the rest of that time, I knew I could trust him. The difference? Marvin is a secure attacher. Who’s obsessed? Is it me?

      But really, that was the difference. You, Tee, are more than likely a secure attacher, too. You’ve been married 2948349404 years, after all. It’s probably hard for secure attachers to figure out what the hell someone like me is doing.

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  10. Is being ridiculous in a relationship really a flaw? Maybe those are just the wrong relationships. You weren’t crazy with Marvin. It may not have ultimately worked out, but clearly it was right because you were normal then.
    Apologies for using words like crazy and normal. Am the first to admit that I have no actual idea what either means.
    And WHY do they make those teeth noises?? Why is that a thing????

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  11. I don’t like my own mother. I mean, I don’t actively DISLIKE her, I just don’t have any warm feelings toward her like I know so many other people do toward their parents. I push myself to do all the things a daughter should do with her and for her, but I really, really don’t enjoy spending time with her. I have a calendar reminder set to call her, otherwise I would never hear from her. She’s never grateful or thankful for anything, whether it’s a gift or a favor or just your time. She’s never said she was happy to see me or that she misses me – things I tell my own kids All.The.Time. I know I’m a more gushy person than she is and I don’t expect her to be someone she’s not, but just a kind word now and then would go a long way. She’s a mean gossip and spares no one, including her own family. But ask anyone who’s NOT related to her and they think she’s the most generous, kind, helpful soul – she volunteers at the hospital, at her church, delivers meals to homebound people, you name it… she was Volunteer of the Year in her county! Ugh.

    She’s almost 80 and I will often remind myself that she won’t be around forever, but that thought makes me feel… nothing. And I am pretty sure that makes me the terrible person.

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      1. And I absolutely hate my mother-in -law. She has hurt my husband so badly.
        She has no love , knows not what love is and is mean and lies to cover what she is doing wrong, so everyone thinks she is the one being wronged.

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      2. Me too. Mom is 86 and we’re starting to have to work with health things, and assisted living things, and all that. I’m just doing it out of duty, which I suppose counts for something. And she has kind of invented this “close-knit family” past that we just did not have. And she makes me not want to get old. Or to do it better, or something.

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      3. Lisa, I did not cry when my Mother died. She had a terrible childhood and as a result, had a great deal of anger which she took out on all of us. I totally understand now that I’m an adult, but try explaining that to a frightened four year old. I’ve spent time in therapy working out my own anger at her, because I don’t want to end up like her.

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    1. When I was growing up, I thought my mother was the dumbest person I have ever met. She was/is judgmental and often withheld love based on how “good” you were-or if you agreed with her. At 42, I married a man I fell in love with and she practically disowned me because I “defied” her. (He was a recovering addict who was two years sober.) Six years into my marriage (and the happiest years of my life) my husband died, Dec 31, 2016. She attended the funeral, left as soon as it ended and has never spoken of him again. NEVER. It’s like he never existed!
      Then I find out my dad had a long term affair (8 years!!) with his secretary, mom found out AND DID NOTHING. He told her he didn’t want to talk about it, so she was like “okay.” WTF? The reality is she doesn’t have any retirement, nothing to live on-it’s all Dad’s. So now they live like roommates, but pretend to be this happy couple who’s been married 50 years.
      I try really hard to be a loving daughter…but it’s hard. To add to it, she has early onset dementia and is pissed about it. She’s mean, paranoid and honestly no fun to be around. I’m a terrible person, because I know she won’t be around forever, but for the life of me I can’t force myself to spend time with her.
      And that is why I’m a terrible person.

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  12. My crushing debt. I am working two jobs trying to get it paid off before i retire. I have about 8 years to retirement and I’m afraid I won’t be able to get it paid. Then I won’t be able to retire.

    I don’t want to be married anymore, even though I love my husband. He is a “home” alcoholic. When we go out with friends, etc. and around my family he either doesn’t drink or drinks reasonably. When we are home and/or with his family, he gets drunk. Almost every day. I can’t leave because of my own crushing debt.

    It’s all so embarrassing.

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    1. I’m right there with you.

      I don’t want to be married anymore either, but because of debt, I’m stuck. My husband is WILDLY insensitive (he calls it HONEST) and criticizes me every day for what he sees are my flaws (I’m not a good cook, I’m a SAHM and I am not the best housekeeper…etc He says these things in front of our kids.) Our kids are happy but not stellar at anything (good but not great students, not into sports) he blames me that they’re not excelling.

      He spends/wastes money on things I don’t agree with (not, like, gambling, but he insists we only buy organic everything and SEETHES when I buy store brand items it must be NAME BRAND. He keeps the thermostat way up and our utilities bills are astronomical. )

      He sees every little thing I don’t like about myself and he basically says, “yes, that is a BIG problem and it makes you incredibly hard to live with.”

      I miss my family (who we moved away from to live where he grew up) and I miss my friends. I hate where we live and I hate my life. But I’m also a big wimp and a huge confrontation avoider, so I have basically become a doormat, and I hate that I’m not doing more to change what I don’t like… That’s my huge flaw. I don’t know how to argue without becoming a weepy incoherent mess – and I’m terrified of the argument if I challenge him, because I always lose and end up feeling worse about myself.

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  13. All these terms that mean who knows what. Can’t we all be ourselves and not have to be labeled?
    Oh yeah, that is just June and that is how she is…just June.
    I am okay with me, I am okay with you. I like you , I like me.
    I think a person is just who they are, it really isn’t a flaw, just how you are.
    Because no one is perfect. And what IS perfect exactly. Can’t tell you, don’t think it exists, don’t want to be that either. Just want to be me. I am happy being me and letting you be you.

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  14. I feel overwhelmingly like the world would be better and my family would be better off if I just wasn’t here anymore. I’m a regular, but signing in anonymous. I have never admitted this out loud. I’m utterly alone. Zero friends. My husband and I are very distant. I love him, but we have no interaction. Financially we are struggling so much, and my life insurance would be more beneficial to them. I work endless hours to keep us afloat. I do not ever do anything about this because I have children. But I think about it every day. I’m tired of being alone and disappointing everyone. And I’m ashamed that i think about this.

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      1. Please, please tell someone this and get help. The voice in your head that is telling you that you are worthless and that your family would be better off without you is depression and depression is a lying bitch. I have major depression disorder and I know these thoughts and feelings first hand and also know that, with the right kind of help, it can change. You do matter. You are loveable and deserve to be loved. People do care about you and you would be missed. Your loved ones would never recover from losing you. There is no shame in feeling like this. (That one thing took me a long time to figure out.). It can get better.

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    1. Oh, no no no. Never would ANY amount of money be in any way “better” for your family. Especially your kids. They would never get over losing you. Never. Please please talk to someone. Please. There is no shame… just please share what you are feeling with someone. These are ALL temporary issues that can be made better. Please. You have so much value to the people in your life… let them know you need some help.

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    2. The world would absolutely NOT be better off without you. No matter how troubling your relationship with your husband is, or your financial struggles, your children will be absolutely devastated to lose you.

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    3. I felt like that for 10 years. It was a constant battle to not end it. Truthfully, the only thing that kept me from doing so is the pain it would cause my two young nieces (no kids, figured the husband and parents would get over it) and God’s amazing grace. I *finally* spoke to my on about it two years ago – but only because she asked me – and she prescribed Wellbutrin. It has made an enormous difference. I actually tried to go off of it over the holidays (so stupid!) and the spiral very quickly came back. All this to say, you are not alone, and there is help. Don’t be like me and waste 10 years of your life in mental and emotional agony. Go to a doctor, talk to a therapist, get the help you need. Please.

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    4. The world is a better place BECAUSE you are in it!! You are a kind, sensitive person and the world needs more kindness and sensitivity. Please do not feel ashamed, you are getting through each day the best you can and because of that, you’re doing a good job. Keep getting up every day, you won’t always feel this way. Depression is a bitch. Your family cares, it’s just that that frickin’ black cloud likes to mess with us. You are good for your children, never doubt that, they love you and need you. The world needs you for your intelligence, kindness, sensitivity and openness.

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    5. Thank you all for your kind words. I’ve never told anyone I felt that way. I have talked to a doctor about depression. Just not to that level. I’ve just felt like I’m drowning for a long time. It just gets worse. My husband lost his job before Christmas, and we have three children, so it’s just heightened things, I believe. I would never… do anything… just feel lonelier and more and more helpless…and such a disappointment that I can’t support my family. Anyway. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my comment. (And putting up with all the elipsis and fragments.) I love coming here and reading June and all of your comments. It’s one of the best parts of my day.

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      1. Tell your physician these thoughts. Call their office tomorrow from your car in a parking lot and tell the person who answers the phone how you are feeling. Put it all out there.

        You don’t need to feel this way while you go through so much stress. Get yourself on keel and then invite your husband to couples therapy. You’ need to be strong for yourself and your kids. Any leftover energy can help your husband, if you choose.

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  15. I am addicted to Excedrin. I never take more than you should and I’m not going to poison myself with the acetaminophen but I take it every day. For years now. I’ve always gotten lots of headaches and it helps, and now that I’m older it also helps with the aches and pains. But I’m worried someday my liver or whatever will just give up. Hey, maybe I’ll start weaning off again tomorrow!

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  16. I feel like a fake adult. I have never earned a living wage. When my husband dies I will not being able to afford to survive. We are broke, have some debt and our house needs a lot of work. I am no prize and I will be alone for the rest of my life. I will never find anyone as mellow as my husband has mostly been. I had a lot of good years, struggles too, but I always planned to go first. It is not going to be that way it seems. I am weak and terrified. I will be a burden or I can take my life. The thought does cross my mind. I have no children. I will never be homeless, I would much rather be dead.

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    1. Please try not to assume the worst case scenario. Sometimes what we believe can shape our reality, so try to remain open to good possibilities. IF your husband passes before you, you MIGHT be alone for awhile, you MIGHT have to find some kind of a job (which you might enjoy), and you might also be able to collect from your husband’s social security or from your own. If you own a house (lucky you!), you can do a reverse mortgage, which will pay you every month from your equity in the house. Don’t keep telling yourself you’re weak. Tell yourself, “I am open to learning and trying new things.” Don’t assume you will be a burden– it’s very possible you might be a huge blessing to others, like if you worked at an old folks’ home or a hospital or something. Not having had a job before doesn’t mean you’re unqualified to work. And you won’t be homeless. If necessary, you can apply for low cost housing, or food stamps, or whatever. Change your mindset by thinking about how you can be of service, rather than thinking about how to do away with yourself. The world needs good people now more than ever.

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      1. Also– don’t assume you would be alone forever! There are plenty of men who would love nothing more in this world than to find a woman with a good heart to love and share life with. Believe me, I know it can be intimidating– I’m in my 60s and living alone, but then, I don’t make nearly enough effort to get out there and contribute to the world or spend time in places where I might meet someone, like going to a class or church or whatever. Keep hope alive! And I hope you and your husband have many years ahead of you in the meantime.

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  17. Having been in a very long marriage I thought I was okay with the men part of my life. I had one, he died…..now I’ve been through a long series of lunch dates, coffee meetings, overnights, some more than 2 dates…..I keep sending them away. Sometimes with good reason, they are severely broken but others there could have been a possibility but I didn’t give it any time.

    Now I’ve been corresponding (text and phone calls) with a man who would probably be good for me. I’m meeting him Friday. He lives 50 miles away but it takes longer because of a ferry ride. So when he called and said he wanted to stay over Fri night I thought “oh sheesh, here it comes, he wants to spend the night on the first date.” Lo and behold, he called and told me he had gotten a room at a local hotel! He did not make an assumption, he texts me before he calls and asks if it is a good time to call, he is funny, interesting, he’s only been married once and she is deceased, he sounds like a man who would see me as an equal…..

    How do I not screw this up before it starts? My normal thing is to like them for two dates and then suddenly I don’t and I send them away. I think I may not want to send this one away.

    I keep wondering if it is the long term happy marriage that is standing in my way. Any thoughts would be welcomed.

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    1. Hi Susan, I would say don’t put too much pressure on yourself since you haven’t even met the man yet. In spite of the possibility of romance, do your best to try to just think of it as meeting a new friend, which is in fact all he is at this point. June seems very good at this, having maintained friendships with a lot of the potential romances, and I think part of why she’s so good at it is probably that she is just her honest and real self with the men she has met. I write this as advice for myself, too; I was married a long time, and now am alone in my early 60s and have completely steered clear of dating. Sometimes I actually enjoy living on my own, but other times not so much. I applaud you for being open to the possibility of finding love again, or at least a good companion. You are brave. : )

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      1. Becky, you are right. My tendency is to fantasize about how it will be and I’ve almost always been disappointed. Even the one guy I thought was the 2nd love of my life turned out to be still on the dating sites, still flirting with others, unable to commit, unable to say he loved me and he lived with me for a total of 8 months, (5 on, 7 off, 3 more on). Once was not enough for me to learn the lesson.

        You sound like my son who tells me, “Mom, just go and have fun!”

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  18. I think you and I are more alike than we are different. I mean…five divorces, here. FIVE.

    I do actually make that noise in real life though. Usually in the middle of gossiping and in reference to a decision or action of someone else on which I am passing judgment. (My other Shameful Thing.)

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  19. That veeeeedo made me howl, I had to watch it over and over again until i stopped laughing.

    Oh I have so many flaws, many, many, many but the one that is so not cool above the others is my know-it-all attitude that I project. Originally I typed, “….know-it-all attitude, I guess, that I project”. Clearly I was minimizing or dismissing, I knew it but didn’t want to make it seem as annoying as it really is. However, as I am really trying hard to change that attitude, I stared at that phrase “I guess” over the top of my reading glasses for like three minutes, until I acknowledged what a manipulative ass I am and I changed it to the more truth of the jerky unwanted behavior I still choose at times. I have a lot of work to do still.

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  20. After dealing with some abandonment early in childhood by the people I should have been able to depend on most, I have an almost paralyzing fear of abandonment as an adult. I am afraid I do things to mess up romantic relationships in some sort of self fulfilling prophecy dumbass-ery on my part because I assume everyone will leave me. While I want a committed, permanent relationship for the rest of my life, everything I do is done with the attitude that I can’t possibly find a man who will want to stick around and that I will die alone.

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  21. If they only knew….sometimes I’m just shy of crazy. There’s a place inside of me that thinks very revengeful thoughts. I drink every day and have done so for several years. I’ve bought drugs from a drug dealer. I’m often tempted to find another drug dealer and start buying again. I’m very alone and many times very lonely. Some days I wish I could run away.

    My faith keeps me intact in most areas. (See drinking comment). Most days. Every so often I go to bed and sleep just to avoid all the wrong decisions that I might make.

    I’ve also had suicidal ideations. Not so much anymore as I am on meds and have a short list of people I can text for help. Mid last year I had a really bad bought. Pondered on should I check myself into a hospital or call the suicide hotline. After that cycle I promised myself that I would reach out earlier. Depression is a lying fucking whore of a bitch. My short list of people have promised me that they will be there for me and that I am not being burdensome when reaching out. (That’s a lie that tries to play. Being a burden).

    I once tried hanging my stuff out there. Kudos for you June. It didn’t work for me.

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  22. Compared to some, this isn’t very important. But, I am obsessed with my dog. Obsessed. She was very ill a few months ago. Ever since, I have had trouble leaving her, or, leaving her alone for more than 10 minutes. If I can’t find a babysitter for her, I will cancel plans and make up excuses. I make my husband stay with her when I have to run errands – pulling him away from his real job. He is not enjoying this.

    I am truly worried that when it’s time to say goodbye to her (she is 14+), I might seriously go over the deep end.

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    1. I don’t consider this a flaw unless you poop your pants every Friday just because you feel like it. I think you were probably not feeling well.

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    2. I’m sorry this made me laugh. Last winter I slipped on ice while getting out of my truck and also pooped my pants. This was going into work. I went in, rode the elevator, went to the restroom and went the rest of the day commando. Nobody in my real life knows this. Not even my husband.

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  23. I’ve become a doormat. I’m afraid people at work and church will find out about my past. I get really anxious about doing things for myself although I bend over backwards for others. The pooping, though. It’s almost happened to me. I’ve been lucky. I think it is age related, but no one wants to discuss it. I’m afraid I won’t be able to keep this job until I retire. I’m afraid my husband will die, but then I’m afraid he’ll live forever.

    An old Bob Newhart joke: a man went to his therapist to describe how confused he was. He said, “I’m a wigwam, I’m a teepee. I’m a wigwam, I’m a teepee. I’m a wigwam, I’m a teepee.” His therapist said, “Calm down, man! You’re two tents.”

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  24. I can’t believe I checked several times to see if June blogged and found nuttin’. Then had to be away from my computer/phone/iPad/Kindle for several hours and came back to this!

    I honestly don’t need to say anything because my flaws are right up there ^^^^^^^^, mentioned a couple of times.

    Bravo to everyone who let it all hang out.

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  25. I am LAZY. With the caps. I am messy. I forget things, and let people down.

    There you go. I have been admitting this outloud for a little while. It just is the way it is. Love me or leave me…whatever.

    Lovely post, lovely June!

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  26. I’ve never read past the first Laura Ingalls Wilder books. I’d rather watch the tv series.

    There. I said it.

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    1. I’m aware that my “thing” doesn’t sound like a big deal, but I’m supposed to be teaching the classics (as in, I’m a classical educator). Such tv series or movies based on classic literature (“Pride and Prejudice”, “Little Women”, etc.) are considered “twaddle”, just as much as any of those really awful kids’ book series, like “Junie B. Jones” or “Goosebumps”. They fill our minds with useless twaddle or, in the case of tv and movies, someone else’s creative ideas, not our own. But that’s why I like them—so my brain can stop working and consume some junk thoughts.

      So, no, not earth-shattering, but embarrassing in my circles nonetheless.

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  27. Oh, soooooo many things I could tell about me that I’m ashamed of, but I am very late to the party due to work, so I’ll just chime in here that you guys are so not alone in all this.

    Liked by 1 person

  28. Ohhhhhh, okay, this might be worse than my know-it-all unsufferable asshole self. Here goes, this is one that brings out the swords and torches here which is why I have never joined in on comments those days it was brought up:

    I am perpetually late to everything.

    Like, everything. And y’all are so rough here on those of us who can not get our crap together to be on time to stuff. There. I said it.

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  29. Oh man, I am commenting late. I can’t help but to lay all of my flaws out there though so, here goes. I talk too much. I gossip. I always give myself the talk before I go into social situations. You know which one, right? The don’t talk too much and turn into a weirdo one. I don’t care about others. I would rather stay home, go to work, go shopping BY MYSELF, and just generally tell the world to fuck off. Also, you guys might have seen the news about the igit clicking a wrong button and sending Hawaii into a frenzy. I was at work. I work in military squadron on the flightline which is where I was when the warning came through. I had like, 5 seconds of panic and ultimately said, “Ehhhhh, fuck it. I’m dying today.” I was okay with this. I tried calling my husband and family but the phone lines were jammed. And I was okay with that. I guesss that might make me unloving too, huh.

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      1. Right! We have been under the threat of the big boom for the longest time. Im thinking that I was just like whatever because my boys had their dad with them. For like 40 minutes we were all under the assumption that Hawaii was about to be blown off of the map. You know how people pray and try to get right with their maker? Nope. None of that going on here. It very calm until we were told, “Whoops! Sorry!” Afterwards, I had the realization that I am an asshole. I’m okay with that. So very okay.

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  30. I am very ashamed of this. Back in the 80’s when my kids were small, I used to spank–hard. Without meaning to I put a large bruise on my daughter’s thigh (I can still see her face). I know today they would be taken away. But that was the last time. Although I remember a while when she would flinch when I came near. My son never reacted like this. She still bears a grudge although I have apologised to her. Come and get me with the noose. I have so much guilt over this.

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    1. I was a single parent for many years. I was. WAY TOO STRICT/HARSH with my daughter. It was like my own life was out of control so I had to control something. When she left for college I was certain I’d never see her again as I was also sure she hated me since I hated myself for how I’d treated her at times. Though I apologized to her several times, I never felt forgiven and couldn’t find peace. I cried myself to sleep almost every night. I had remarried by then and my husband was so tired of me berating myself he told me to go talk to someone.

      I found a good counselor and spilled years of agony, including how mean, at times, I was to the person I loved more than myself. My counselor asked that I bring her in for a couple sessions and my daughter agreed. In the course of things, I apologized again. And again. The next session my daughter started in on me over the very issue we’d duscussed previously and that I had apologized for (many times). The counselor stopped her and said, “You know what? Your mom already beats herself up enough about this. No parent is perfect and there is a lot of good that also came out of your strict upbringing. So today I’m going to say from this day forward, there is nothing more she can do to make amends and whether you accept her apology or not, she is released and free. You are now an adult and responsible for your own well-being. That might mean YOU need to get some counseling, but as of today, your mom is released.”

      I don’t know why but a lightbulb went on and I realized the counselor was right – I had apologized over and over and there really was nothing more I could do. My daughter never said another word about it and I did feel that burden lift. Of course, I also believe I’m never getting any grandchildren because she doesn’t want to be a mother, but that’s OK too because she is an adult, responsible for her own life and well-being.

      Anyway, I wrote this novel to say I hope you find peace.

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  31. @Becky, thank you. I have worked, it’s just been a decade plus since I have. His chances of living a long time are pretty non existant. He’s been on borrowed time and it seems to be running out. I’m not being negative, just realistic.

    @Helen, my mom was harsh and guilt pushing but I can see her side now much better. She was married to an alcoholic ass with a bunch of kids and she was weak and anxiety ridden with no help, no outlet. She did take it out on us and some of it will always sting but as she has said she did the best she could. I just picture what a disaster I would be without benefit of all the counseling I’ve had on and off over the years. She is not even a reader so no self help either. I had to forgive her for MY own sanity. People are flawed. We fail one another. We ALL need forgiveness. I hope your daughter gets that. And hey, you went to counseling with your daughter. My mother NEVER would!

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  32. June, thank you for creating a place where we can unburden ourselves and share our stories. My heart breaks for what my fellow readers are going through. I also agree that depression is a lying bitch and I’m thankful that I found the counseling I needed in my twenties when depression hit and I realized I couldn’t handle it alone.

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  33. I have a motivation problem and have since I was in, well, grade school. I am taking Ritalin too and it helps.

    Oh and evidently I am into snake porn. Who knew?

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  34. I don’t know if this is a flaw, but I am ashamed and embarrassed and I have never sought help for it, but I have not been in a plane since 1988. People always say, oh, just have a few drinks and get on a plane! Not that easy….It’s a terrifying phobia and there are so many places I want to go, especially overseas. I know there are classes etc out there but I have not had the guts to do anything about it Even typing this I am nervous. And of course I live so far down in the corner of the world that I don’t see much. It takes about 6 hours just to get out of the state! My husband was nice enough to take a two week road trip up north a few months back, but it is and has interfered with family and relationships. I think I would have to be almost unconscious to get on a plane.

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    1. Thank you, Helen. That eases me quite a bit. I’d love to go to counselling with my daughter, but she lives very far away. I’m just afraid I’ve ruined our relationship for life.

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      1. anonymouse, the whole point is that your daughter is an adult and now responsible for her OWN well-being and psyche. She is an adult and is the one holding a grudge so is up to her to go to counseling or whatever she needs, regardless of your participation. You have apologized and cannot do anything else. You are free to let go of all of it.

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  35. I’m really judgemental.

    I can’t handle people who are inconsistent with what they say or do which is unfortunate for me because my husband is exactly this way. When we decide something together as a couple he’ll change his mind or go behind my back and finance something really expensive that he knows I would never agree to. I feel betrayed constantly in both little and big ways.

    I’m not warm and fuzzy but fiercely loyal so feel unbelievably heart broken when people don’t reciprocate- especially family.

    Liked by 1 person

  36. My terrible flaw is… I am 58 and not ready for “retirement.” I have $50,000.00 in student loan debt. For degrees that I am not using at my present job. My monthly payments are affordable but 10 years from now, I will be paying on this with Social Security income. I finally started a 401K, I’ve got a whopping $3,000.00 balance.
    So do I go “catch me a man” with a solid income & retirement…or do I comfort myself with the knowledge that my father has established a trust to leave a good chunk of cash to myself and two sisters? I am hopeful that he will be with us for a long time, so I could be 80 when I’d get an inheritance….if he doesn’t outlive me.

    The moral of this story is, “Don’t be a dummy, save your money.”

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  37. Two flaws. I am completely oblivious to office politics to the point that I say stupid stuff at exactly the wrong moment. I was honest about being in a hostile work environment and it got me laid off- now all the other women are gone too. I can’t help but feel if I had done it properly that the culprits would have been stopped. Now I’m unemployed and alone in a foreign country with no backup plan and a visa that runs out in two weeks. Flaw 2: I hate preparing or cleaning up food. Happy to eat it but hate hate hate touching it.

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  38. My mom made that noise when she would hit her funny bone or some other injury as she went about her housework. It’s hard for me to imagine my parents even having sex (they had been married 20 yrs and were in their 40s when I was born), let alone making noises while they did.

    Edsel’s reaction to doggy daycare is so sweet. What a good dog!

    The following is in response to the anonymous who posted at 3:25 and a 6:52.Please talk with someone and/or see your doctor. It is nothing to be ashamed about, and please be honest with them. If you don’t feel comfortable with your medical provider, get a different one that you trust. After awhile, our shoulders aren’t big enough to bear the struggles alone. I have been there, done that. I’ll try to put it in a nutshell.

    I was married to my first husband for more than 25 years. Most of my marriage was terrible, and had I lived with him prior to, I wouldn’t have married him. I nearly called off my wedding a few hours before. I was too worried what others would think. (FLAW). I had some very dark times, but I stayed faithful and felt it was important to stay together for the sake of our kids. (FLAW) I was too ashamed to ever admit to anyone that my marriage was a farce, and tried to keep a rosy facade.(FLAW) Meanwhile, I internalized all of the marital stress and caused myself a crap ton of health problems. (FLAW) I never came clean with the health community, but one simple question on a medical form at the neurologist’s office is when I really started questioning myself. “Does your spouse, close family member, boss, etc. belittle you and make you feel worthless?”. Although I didn’t check the yes box, that question weighed on me. My health insurance was through my husband’s job, so I feared his finding out. (FLAW)

    It took soul searching, trusting a couple of older friends who I knew had walked in my shoes earlier in their lives that I could confide in, my only sibling,and going to visit relatives in another part of the country for a month to figure out my game plan. I filed for divorce a few weeks later. It was the best thing I ever did. I wasted too many of my years trying to please others and keep up appearances. I live in a small town and my filing for divorce shocked a lot of people. I was hung out to dry by some of the local gossips, a handful of former friends and neighbors, and some of my ex’s family. Guess what? I don’t care and I make no apologies.

    Life is short–too short to be miserable. I can’t get back the years I wasted, but I can tell you that I will never allow myself to be in a situation like that ever again. I wish you the best, and hope you can start taking steps to get on the path to happiness.

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  39. Thank you, June, for giving us all the opportunity to realise that we are not the only ones. Fact is, I can identify with every single one of these flaws. Except maybe the airplane one (still don’t like it, though). Two more? One, I am very disappointed in my kids (plus I blame myself for their flaws). Two, I’m a hypochondriac. Every single pain (of which there are more and more as I get older) represents cancer, heart disease, stroke, or some other ailment. I have even called the ambulance for chest pain (which has subsequently been checked out six ways from Sunday and found to be absolutely nothing, so please don’t feed the beast by relating all the ways doctors miss heart attacks in women). I feel guilty for wasting the health service’s time (I live in a land with socialised medicine). Oh, and another one : I’m a binge eater. Although I maintain a normal weight, I regularly eat enormous portions of unhealthy foods in secret. Someone tell me I am not alone!

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