Perhaps you’re wondering where I am. Perhaps you’ve gone about your day and you don’t care where I am. Perhaps you’ve been desperately wishing for my death. Whatever with you.
At 2 o’clock this morning, I was fast asleep like a normal person. Edsel was sleeping with me, as he is wont to do. We were doing great until we heard
And also, BEEP.
It was my cacophony of smoke alarms. They were all going off, but not like a siren, just that terrible high-pitched, birdlike beep that they only seem to do in the dark of night, sort of like how you only seem to get diarrhea at three in the morning.
And they weren’t going off simultaneously. One would beep, then the other would answer. Like that duet between Peabo Bryson and Roberta Flack.
Dear June: Do you know what’s sad? Is that you remember the name Peabo Bryson. But just try to remember one single thing from pre-algebra.
The problem is, like that wasn’t problem enough, Edsel is terrified of the smoke alarms. So when they all started beeping at each other and having some sort of high-tech Close Encounters of the Third Kind communication, he begin trembling.
Not only did he begin trembling, he decided lying directly on my head would be his only source of comfort.
So then I had
And 50 pounds of shaking dog on my skull. What I’m saying to you was last night was relaxing.
It didn’t take me long to figure out that the reason my alarms were beeping at me was not just because I am on God’s list of horrific people, but also because I was out of power. I could hear that it was raining outside, but so what? Why should that make us not have any power?
Nevertheless, here it is midmorning the next day, and I still do not have any power. I am working from home, because I cannot shower or dry my hair. The really good news is that I’ve gotten a shit-ton done. I’ve had no distractions.
When I first got out of bed today, after last night’s beep fest (eventually they stopped beeping. I guess they got bored or passed out or they were just plain beep) (what do you want from me? I had a vibrating dog on my head all night), I had a few minutes of panic when I realized I could not make coffee.
But look who’s resourceful? I french pressed. Oui!
Anyway, I know they’re out there working on getting my power back, because this morning there were several men in my backyard. It was almost like God has answered my prayers, if I weren’t on God’s list of shitty people.
That’s a mighty hard hat you’ve got there, Mister.
“Hey, June, is that a face on your tree?”
So that’s what’s new with me. You’d think I’d be empowered, what with all those women marching and so on. But no.
I’ll write tomorrow, when I hope to charge forth energetically. There will be electricity between us. My post will be so great that there will be a surcharge.
Again, beeping and shaking dog hat. This is the best I can do today.