Toot toot, heyyyy, beep beep

Perhaps you’re wondering where I am. Perhaps you’ve gone about your day and you don’t care where I am. Perhaps you’ve been desperately wishing for my death. Whatever with you.

At 2 o’clock this morning, I was fast asleep like a normal person. Edsel was sleeping with me, as he is wont to do. We were doing great until we heard

BEEP

BEEP

BEEP

And also, BEEP.

It was my cacophony of smoke alarms. They were all going off, but not like a siren, just that terrible high-pitched, birdlike beep that they only seem to do in the dark of night, sort of like how you only seem to get diarrhea at three in the morning.

And they weren’t going off simultaneously. One would beep, then the other would answer. Like that duet between Peabo Bryson and Roberta Flack.

Dear June: Do you know what’s sad? Is that you remember the name Peabo Bryson. But just try to remember one single thing from pre-algebra.

The problem is, like that wasn’t problem enough, Edsel is terrified of the smoke alarms. So when they all started beeping at each other and having some sort of high-tech Close Encounters of the Third Kind communication, he begin trembling.

Not only did he begin trembling, he decided lying directly on my head would be his only source of comfort.

So then I had

Beep!

Beep!

Beep!

Peabo Bryson!

And 50 pounds of shaking dog on my skull. What I’m saying to you was last night was relaxing.

It didn’t take me long to figure out that the reason my alarms were beeping at me was not just because I am on God’s list of horrific people, but also because I was out of power. I could hear that it was raining outside, but so what? Why should that make us not have any power?

Nevertheless, here it is midmorning the next day, and I still do not have any power. I am working from home, because I cannot shower or dry my hair. The really good news is that I’ve gotten a shit-ton done. I’ve had no distractions.

When I first got out of bed today, after last night’s beep fest (eventually they stopped beeping. I guess they got bored or passed out or they were just plain beep) (what do you want from me? I had a vibrating dog on my head all night), I had a few minutes of panic when I realized I could not make coffee.

But look who’s resourceful? I french pressed. Oui!

Anyway, I know they’re out there working on getting my power back, because this morning there were several men in my backyard. It was almost like God has answered my prayers, if I weren’t on God’s list of shitty people.

That’s a mighty hard hat you’ve got there, Mister.

“Hey, June, is that a face on your tree?”

So that’s what’s new with me. You’d think I’d be empowered, what with all those women marching and so on. But no.

I’ll write tomorrow, when I hope to charge forth energetically. There will be electricity between us. My post will be so great that there will be a surcharge.

Again, beeping and shaking dog hat. This is the best I can do today.

Powerlessly,

June

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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

39 thoughts on “Toot toot, heyyyy, beep beep”

  1. That’s exactly why I refuse to replace my 40 year old stove. It works when the power is off, to include the oven. Hope you are empowered soon.

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  2. This whole post energized me. Although it was filled with shocking news. “WATT!” I said. Keep us current if anything alternates.

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  3. Also too. I referred to my “french press” as “french roast” one day and while I knew that was wrong, I could not retrieve the correct word from my brain. Some four days later, it just popped into my head. So I assume my brain was doing nothing else for four days but scanning scanning scanning. If you could see the inside of my head, it was just one spinning beach ball of death.

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  4. HA! “…sort of like how you only seem to get diarrhea at three in the morning.” It ONLY EVER happens at three in the morning.

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    1. Unless, like me, you get, what my sister lovingly has named, “Discount Diarrhea”, you get it at any sort of discount retailer – Target, Home Goods, Marshalls, etc. If I shop in those stores, I guarantee within 10 minutes, it’s an emergency situation!

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  5. Having IBSD I get bouts of the squirts at various times but the three AM ones are a special kind of annoyingly awful.
    I know who Peabo Bryson is and now I have an ear worm from your title. Memories of a rather sedate bachelorette party dancing to that song. The best part was the triple X drive-in theater next door. You could see the movies from our venue’s parking lot. Giant filth! It was cheaper than a no tell motel and the steam on the car windows gave a type of privacy. We just avoided parking below the big rigs. I’m fairly sure only I had been there from our group.
    Our smoke alarm is dead and I know we should replace it but I so do not miss all that horrific beeping, etc. Fifty pounds of Eds on your head sounds almost as bad as a migraine. I hope you get power back soon.

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  6. My smoke alarm went off around 1:30 A.M. one morning when I was home alone. Well, just me and the two dogs. That was when I found out it not only does the screech, but it’s also voice activated. SCREECH – FIRE -SCREECH – FIRE. Good times. What happened to the annoying cricket chirp when they want new batteries?

    I hope you get your power back soon.

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  7. My old dog, may he r.i.p., used to want to be a hat during thunderstorms, fireworks, and any other time he was scared. And that happened more and more often as he aged. While he wasn’t as large as Edsel he made up for that by smelling like the stinkiest cheese in the world. Which is exactly what you want your hair to smell like.

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  8. We have the old-fashioned smoke alarms with batteries because we don’t get the BEEP BEEP when the power goes out, only the chirping when the batteries are low. The BEEP BEEP would drive us crazy. I mean, crazier.

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  9. I actually had a cat named Peabo Bryson….named by my ex. Watt an electrifying post June!! We currently have not had a plugged in (hard wired) smoke alarm for about 4 weeks now since we pulled it out to make it stop BEEEEEEPING. Better get on that.

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  10. June, this is a great post. I’m sorry you had the beep-beeps in the night. I read so fast trying to see if the firefighters showed up! Rats. Whyyyy do those alarms only beep at night? They never need attention at 2:00 in the afternoon.

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  11. Mom reminds me of daughters Nursery School teacher (1983ish) and clerk at the natural food co-op both housed at the same Lutheran Church. Same woman. She was very sweet and kind in both roles.

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  12. Thank you, Coot, for this hilarious post. Work today sucked and I was mad. Fuming mad. When I get mad and frustrated I tend to get teary-eyed and did NOT want to rage cry at work. I held it together until I left. But I’ve been a weepy mess since then. I was able to read today, not long after I arrived to work, and it was the bright spot of the day. All of that to say I was driving home from picking up dinner, weeping, when I hit the scan button. First song it stopped on?
    Tonight I Celebrate My Love For You by Roberta Flack and Peabo Bryson. I couldn’t stop laughing.

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  13. Did you not go to work because you could not properly groom? Or, because work also had no power? I’ve latched on to this. Would you not go out unshowered?

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