I could NOT fall asleep, so when the alarm went off this morning, I was exhausted and hit snooze 39493940 times. I went last night to the old theater to see Gold Rush, the Charlie Chaplin silent movie--and I guess ALL of his movies were silent movies and now I'm officially annoying. Dear June: We… Continue reading Enjoy the organ
Just the other day, I came across yet another ad for bullet journals, a thing I was never into in the first place and now I am completely over. (Google fucking it.) The only people who enjoy a bullet journal are people who are good at drawing, a thing I am not, so it holds… Continue reading What word or phrase are you over?
[Flumps coat and purse in first, slides into booth after.] Have you been here long? Sometimes, on Mondays, when I haven't written all weekend, I sit down here at my desk and think, What the fuck did I just do for the last 72 hours? Today is one of those days. Then what I'll do… Continue reading The Weeknd (God, is June hip)
When we left each other yesterday, slamming the door and saying, "IT'S OVER! I MEAN IT THIS TIME!", I was going to try to come back here and write you at lunch. That didn't happen. Work. Tis busy. So here's a two-day update on everything that's happening in my stupid world. I wish to tell… Continue reading In which aspic is mentioned
Work is KICKING MY ASS currently, but I will try to come back at lunch and write you. Meanwhile, here is the color I may have picked for my living room. Love, June
"I'm just calling to let you know the Russell Stover eggs are available," I said to my mother, although in truth it was more: "Uh ussel oer eggs are aaailul." As I was, of course, already eating mine as I pulled out the Rite Aid, there. "I have four in my cupboard already," said my… Continue reading To Reader. Love Always, June
Yesterday, I finally relented and called my doctor, because you know how I resist doing that. I'm never one to call the doctor. Or cause a fuss. Anyway, he insisted I get an x-ray of my toe, because apparently if you let it go, occasionally something hellish could happen and all of a sudden Scarlett… Continue reading I just laid there. Or lay. You know what sounds good? Lay’s Potato Chips.
Hang on. I gotta strap on Laila Ali first... Say, June, weren't you drying your hair LAST time we talked? Yes. Yes, I was. Hygiene. It's repetitive. Anyway, we haven't talked since Friday and we have a lot of topics to cover, so I thought today I'd use subheads, so you don't end up with… Continue reading Disjointed
I had two plans tonight: coworkers were getting drinks at 5:00, and then other friends invited me over at 8:00-ish. Don't you hate people who add "ish" to a time? What are we, gay men in the '60s? That outfit is fab, lover. Anyway, I eschewed my right-after-work plans because I didn't work today. I… Continue reading June talks to you while she gets ready for her hot Friday night.
Yesterday at lunch, I came home, got my kittens, and took them back to the shelter. They were supposed to weigh two pounds apiece in order to be adoptable, and Lexi, the cute light-gray one, did. The rest weighed a little above 1.5. But you guys. They were pooping just everywhere. I tried different litters… Continue reading Hot buff puppy men
Dear Women Who Prattle at Movies: What the hell is wrong with you? Last night, my old movie theater showed To Kill a Mockingbird, and I got there fairly early in order to get my popcorn (dinner) and get a decent parking spot. Not necessarily in that order, and what I like about myself is… Continue reading To Kill a Talking Bird
Relationships are stupid. I know I sound like my coworker Griff, who thinks everything is stupid--but who is, in fact, in a relationship. But really, they are. Stupid. This weekend, Ned was helping me walk Edsel, and you're all, What the--WHY WAS NED THERE, and calm down. I will get to it. The point is,… Continue reading “June, you forgot to add kitten pictures.”
Right before you get to my work is a funeral home. In fact, the buildings surrounding my office are doctor's offices, an old folks' home, and this funeral parlor. Because apparently I'm writing to you on a slate, from my log cabin near my potbelly stove with my sassafras and unicycle. Funeral parlor. Old folks'… Continue reading Songs in the key of…where the hell are my keys?
Yesterday morning, after I'd gotten up early and stressed own self over adding polls to this here not-blog (good participation, by the way!), I got an email. "Can you knock this out this morning?" I wasn't even at work yet, and already I was anxious. It's this big, several-tabbed Excel document that I copy edit… Continue reading How to Have a Migraine: A Step-By-Step Guide
Do you remember the other day--like, two days ago--when I showed you that big tower of canned kitten food I bought? There are two cans of it left. Yeesch. Four kittens: Turns out, they eat. But that, my rapt audience ("Talk about fekking kittens more, June"), is not why I've gathered you all here today,… Continue reading June polls you. And she didn’t even buy you a drink first
I've been obsessed with a game. I'm not a game person. I kind of hate games, actually, and for this, I blame my childhood. My mother used to have this game night, see, with her friends. My whole life, as far back as I can recall--and I can recall being in my crib*, so it… Continue reading Just like a movie star, who gets burned in a three-way script
I wanted to jump on here, not literally, and thank everyone for your tips. When I started volunteering with the shelter to foster kittens, I just assumed they would provide me with food and cat litter. They don't. But the first time I fostered, it was just one kitten, so hoo care. When they asked… Continue reading Fancy.
When I first get up, I feel vaguely like a cafeteria server at the prison, or like Laura Ingalls Wilder when she had to feed the threshers the first day she was married. "Gee, June, I don't remember that from the show." And that was the day June tore down the street in her chonies… Continue reading Queen Kong
After a quiet morning, in which I let each kitten come out to play a bit, I put Nancy and her brood in the carrier and took them down to the shelter for their booster shots. I kibitzed with puppies in the lobby while I waited, and Edsel would like you all to know that… Continue reading Foster update. As opposed to Foster’s Lager.
Last night, I had a dream that Steely Dan was wandering the hallways at my work, which isn't out of the realm. It's only three miles from here. But anyway, when the alarm went off in real life, I opened my eyes to discover him standing on my headboard, peering down at me. I managed… Continue reading 401 kitten