To Kill a Talking Bird

Dear Women Who Prattle at Movies:

What the hell is wrong with you?

Last night, my old movie theater showed To Kill a Mockingbird, and I got there fairly early in order to get my popcorn (dinner) and get a decent parking spot. Not necessarily in that order, and what I like about myself is my strong writing ability.

My spot in the balcony was secured. I have always sat in the same spot in the balcony there, and when Ned and I broke up, we made a deal that I’d get the balcony and he’d find another spot. Once, after FatGate 2016, I even sat on the main floor during It’s a Wonderful Life, just so I wouldn’t spot him accidentally.

But last night I went to my regular spot, and guess who showed up. I wasn’t even surprised. I knew he’d want to see that movie.

Anyway, that wasn’t the annoying part. The annoying part was these four women directly in front of us. Now, I know that when you women get together, you hen parties, you all like to talk. Excitedly. This is why I don’t generally hang around women. That and the fact that women always expect you to show up with a candle.

Women: Hey, let’s have lunch.

Me (reluctantly): Okay. (The other reason I’m not friends with many women is lunch. Why are they so into it?)

A week later…

Women: Hey! I’m here at lunch with just a little something I found for you. It’s a candle! With a cat on it! LOL!

Why? Why do we have to exchange gifts just because we’re getting together? It never dawns on me to get a gift for anyone unless they’re, you know, having a birthday party or dead.

Okay, it never dawns on me to get gifts for the dead, either.

Married. If they’re having a birthday party or if they’re registered somewhere because they’re getting married. Then it occurs to me to get a gift.

And I know it means they were thinking of me and they love me and wish to hug, and I should be flattered, but are they? Is that true? Or do they think, Oh fuck. Lunch is Tuesday. June’s so looking forward to lunch. I gotta get her ass a candle.

I mean, is it a pain in the ass obligation for these women, or do they truly go shopping and think of other people, which by the way is also something I never do. Ned once told me I’m the only girlfriend he ever had who has bought him zero clothing, and I’m the person he dated the longest time.

Why the hell should I buy him clothing? Am I his mom? Is he 7? Maybe I’m just a terrible person. Also, I’d like to say to the four women in real life that I’m friends with, I don’t mind lunch with you. Well, I do mind lunch. But not you.

But speaking of my terrible towel personality, last night, there was Ned with his beer and his popcorn, and he’s getting all settled in my spot–our spot, fmr.–and this gaggle of women, middle-aged women, is in front of us, and yes I know I’m a middle-aged woman.

What I like about myself are my short, concise sentences, and what a strong writer I am and oh, thanks for the candle.

Anyway, as soon as I sat behind these women, I noticed one of them was chattering. I mean, endlessly. And looking at her tiny cracked iPhone 3 or whatever embarrassing phone she had. She kept checking Facebook at the movie, and chattering to her friends, and I’m telling you she was physically unable to stop talking.

At this point, the organist was still playing (some 40s song that escapes me now, but which I know all the words to, so I was singing along and Ned was quietly howling like a dog, which by the way is exactly the same thing damn Marvin used to do when I sang. I HAVE A LOVELY VOICE) and the announcer person was still announcing (that always goes on too long), so I had some hopes this woman would

SHUT

THE

FUCK

UP

once the movie began.

But no. Oh, no. I wanted to shove her into a ham costume and knock her over in the woods.

Seriously, are people just unaware that you shouldn’t talk in the movies? There was an old couple in their row, who kept trying to sort of unobtrusively stare at her, so she’d get the hint, because it’s the South and other than Dick Whitman, who once turned around and told an old lady to be quiet and I just about died of shock, no one ever directly says anything here. Unless it’s racist. Bah.

Anyway, good movie, but once the lights went up, I saw Ned smirking at me.

“I hate those women,” I groused.

“I knew you did. I knew the whole time,” he said.

Meanwhile, Nancy is still not pooping in her box. He has three–three!!–different styles of boxes and litters now, and he’s taking her to the vet on Thursday.

For me, that’s the dealbreaker. A cat doesn’t use its litter box, it’s over for me. It makes me appreciate the asshole cats I have. And when I say “asshole,” I of course just mean Steely Dan.

Since the kittens got here, I’ve been sleeping in the spare bedroom, and I don’t know why I’m not shutting the door in there the way I did in the real bedroom, but the result is, just everyone’s sleeping with me. I got Edsel, with whom I always sleep, but now Iris and Lily, who are easy to sleep with.

And then it would appear that Steely Dan doesn’t so much sleep with me as he perches atop the headboard and stares down at me, like when Snoopy acts like a vulture.

SnoopyVulture

I say this because at any point that I wake up, he is leering down at me with his shiny eyes of death. That is why I’ve come to the conclusion that that’s all he does. That he never actually curls up against me and purrs or anything. Like a cat that isn’t evil would.

IMG_5232.jpg
fuk owf

I gotta go, but I keep forgetting to mention goat yoga to you, which I attended on Sunday.

IMG_5202.jpgIt was at a very muddy farm, as it has rained here for like 412 days.

IMG_5203.jpgThis did not stop the white people. No, sir. There musta been 50 people there, and also there had been goat yoga the day before, as well. It was sold out, that one was.

IMG_5206.jpg
Me and Billy McGoat. You’re welcome.

But goatses!

IMG_5205.jpg
I LOVE YOU, GOATS!!
IMG_5212.jpg
whyyyyyy we gotta do yoga-a-a-a with the wites?
IMG_5213.jpg
There were even barn kitties there, because I don’t get enough pussy at home.

So that was fun, and totally worth it, and now I wish for a goat.

I gotta go, which I think I said 20 minutes ago. Ima check in on m’kittens, and get to work.

IMG_5307.jpg
fuk awf

Wow, they’re getting so bi–HEY.

Asshole.

Your funny Valentine. If “funny” is a relative term,
June

57 thoughts on “To Kill a Talking Bird

  1. Why do people think goats are so great? I do love the black and white kitty though! Could you have given that woman a SSHH without her knowing it was you?

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  2. “…because I don’t get enough pussy at home.” hahahaha….

    I want to ask a few questions about goat yoga. But I’ll refrain. Yes, I like going to lunch with certain ladies. Yes, I like to keep my eyes open for things I know my very small circle might enjoy. I might take a man clothes shopping because he just needs help. Spend my money? Nope. And, in closing, I will shush the heck out of you and even report your noisey ass to management. In which I have just life long committed to NOT be June’s movie partner.

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  3. I had to buy clothes for my husband when I was dating him so he could look as good as me, but most importantly, not embarrass me. His clothes weren’t that bad, but he dressed like he worked in IT, which he sort of does, and I can’t have that. Now, he relies on me to pick out his clothes out for him. He will not go and buy any without my approval, and honestly, I prefer it that way. I like control.

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  4. I’ve never understood buying boyfriends clothes or items for his house. When I visit guys I’ve dated and see jars or candles or decorative towels I know they must have been from old girlfriends.

    I’m on a tight budget and if I want to buy clothes or candles they are for me!

    I don’t really think guys want women buying them things or redecorating for them. Usually these women end up getting taken advantage of and eventually dumped for a woman that treats the dude like crap.

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  5. I always think to myself what if I say something and then they get mad, then I see them again at some church/community/college event and they glare at me because I am the horrible woman that told them to stop talking. So that is why I never have the guts to shussh. I want to know more about goat yoga. What do the goats do, actually?

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  6. I’m also a woman who doesn’t understand a lot of other women’s behavior. We’re here to see a movie, Susan, shut the fuck up! Those same women also go shopping in packs and spend hours comparing one cute top to another. Sometimes they try to include me in their conversation. I guess they feel sorry for me because I am happily shopping alone? With my mouth shut? Don’t try to engage me chatty ladies. Can’t you see my prickly demeanor and shut down face?

    Also, I hate scented candles.

    I’ll grump my way back to work now.

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  7. I could’ve silenced that woman with a single withering look. Seriously. People have checked for bloodied, open wounds once I’ve shot that look at them. She may have even taken her friends and changed seats.

    CANDLES. HATE. I do not gift candles, I do not buy candles. I do not light candles. I do not like candles. (Thank you Dr. Seuss.) I find candles to be a burden. They MAKE me stressed instead of calming me, which is what I think they are supposed to do. In fact, FUCK YANKEE CANDLE RIGHT IN THE WICK.

    I will buy a gift if it is entirely appropriate to the person, even without an occasion to back it up. Within reason. But never EVER a candle.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Add me to the list of People Who Do Not Get The Whole Candle Love Thing. One of my sisters will have 27 different candles burning around her house at all times, all smelling different, all overwhelmingly overpowering. When she wasn’t looking, I would blow a couple of them out.

      As for the woman in the theater, I probably would have just barked out “SHUTUP!” Which is why my daughter is positive I’m going to get shanked one day.

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  8. Did Nancy Cat poop in the litter box when she lived with you? Otherwise, I would think the issue would be due to the surgery. Maybe there’s a kitty psychologist in town?

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  9. I do not buy my husband clothes and never have. Sure, at Christmas I may get him a new insert-sports-team here shirt but other than that… no.
    I also suck at being a girl and lunching and bringing of the gifts. I think of others but I don’t give them gifts. Unless it’s their birthday and sometimes not even then. When the faithful readers send you gifts I think, “oh, how lovely!” then slightly feel bad because although tonight I celebrate my love for you I do not send the gifts.
    Off to host a Valentine’s Day room party. In my red sweater and cute pink Mary Janes. I have been mentally preparing to be sweet and kind and cheery this morning.

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  10. oh. and i never went on ‘dates’ to the movies, either. I want to see the previews and I want to watch the movie. Don’t talk, don’t kiss…NO! Movie!

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  11. Hey, I’m with you, don’t bring me a gift and don’t expect one from me if we are friends having lunch. It is just lunch. If it is Christmas, then gifts are exchanged, cards are given for birthdays. I’ve never bought any clothes for my husband. He has always been a very sharp dresser and he doesn’t need any encouragement to buy clothes or help putting them together. If the truth be know, he helps me with my clothes choices.

    I would have shushed those talkers in the movie. Good for Dick Whitman. I hate people that talk in the movie! Also, too? People that talk in church, my husband has been known to turn around and tell them that the service has started and they need to be quiet. We have friends that we avoid during church because they have a continual conversation and it drives us crazy.

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  12. You ARE funny June! And you ARE my Valentine.

    I will shush a movie talker in a heartbeat. I’m a librarian from the midwest. Double whammy. If you wanna talk, go out to dinner. Although I will say we sat in front of a group of women of color while watching Fatal Attraction and it was one of the funniest experiences of my life. I would go to the movies with those ladies any day.

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  13. And TOTALLY with you on the random gift giving. I have enough trouble getting gifts for the people I’m supposed to be getting gifts for on the appropriate occasions. Plus I have an utter distaste for clutter. Unless it’s a bottle of wine. Clutter me up with wine any day of the week.

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    1. And for the love of god I meant to say – goats smell bad! Why are people so enthralled with them? The kids are adorable for sure, but nothing smells worse than a grown up goat. And those suckers will eat the clothes right off your back. My great-uncle had a whole barnyard full of goats – not MAAAAAAA favorite.

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  14. Going to lunch with my friends is one of my favorite things. I did that yesterday, as a matter of fact. And if I see something that makes me think of a friend (or relative), I always buy it. I guess we won’t be having lunch together any time soon, Joon. I think I would have had to hush up that lady. I don’t even like to hear anyone talk when I’m watching TV.

    One of my dogs just made the most mournful sound in his sleep. It was so loud, it scared me!

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  15. A. I love scented candles but hardly ever light them because of my deathly fear of forgetting about them and burning down the house (literally).
    2. I hate clothes shopping and would NEVER take someone with me.
    $$. I never talk in movies, and fortunately don’t go to the theater often enough to deal with chatty cathys sitting nearby. I would spend the entire movie steaming and plotting revenge on the talker but never have the nerve to say anything.
    IV. I would love to do any kind of yoga, but the one time I tried I was too embarrassed by my noisy knees to go back.
    999. I have never brought a friend a gift at lunch ever. Maybe that’s why I have no friends..
    Lovel post, June.

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  16. Women talking loudly is my pet peeve. The movies, a nice restaurant, church, or a funeral. I am not above SSHH or giving the evil eye. Don’t even get me started on loud cell phone conversations in public. I don’t need to hear you confirming how many times your kid has puked or the like.

    Men and clothing is an interesting subject. My dad, who was not in a professional occupation, was a very sharp dresser. I never saw my mother buy any clothing for him, he did it on his own. My ex-husband had no fashion sense at all. He’s probably not had any new clothing since I left him several years ago. I’m sure the office he works in has a bet going on what year he will spring for a new pair of pants.

    I worked in a nice mens and womens clothing store for several years when I was in my twenties. I loved my job and didn’t work on commission. Some men could put together nice ensembles on their own. Others needed guidance or gave me free reign. Some wives came in by themselves and bought the husbands clothing.

    Husband 2.0, professional business owner, is my Sharp Dressed Man (sing it, ZZ). He has great taste, and has for many years. I rarely buy him any clothing. I actually trust his opinion on my clothing, he knows my taste.

    Goat yoga. Not my thing, but I think my neighbor would take up yoga just to spend time with goats.

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    1. I broke up with a man 5 years ago and we are still friends. Every time I see him he is still wearing the clothes from 7 years ago. I am so tempted to get him some new stuff, but know it would be a little odd.

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  17. I’ve been married for 20+ years and I don’t buy my husband clothes unless he asks me to. His mother, however, still buys him socks and underwear and clothes for Christmas every year. He’s 50. He wishes she would stop but she’s annoying so she won’t.

    As far as lunch goes, if it’s not a nationally recognized gift-giving occasion, I don’t bring a gift. I am not that thoughtful. My thinking is, if I am having lunch with you at all, THAT is the gift. I myself am the gift. You’re welcome.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. I am a gift giver, but not the type that brings a generic candle to lunch. It’s usually useful or fun sorts of things for people hosting parties or something that I acquired for free through my job, I never expect gifts back, It truly just makes me happy to give. I also am a buyer of clothes for men but mostly because they are perhaps poorly dressed.

    I am not someone that goes to movies or shopping with groups of chatty friends. That’s just weird.

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  19. I am glad others asked about the goats’ roles in goat yoga. I was too embarrassed to say anything but was curious. How could you talk through “To kill a Mockingbird”?? That is one of the best movies of all time. The Steely Dan vulture image cracked me up. I loved those Snoopy cartoons.

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  20. I hate giving gifts because I don’t shop and walking around a mall or flipping through a catalog looking for something to buy is the anteroom to hell. But if I read a great book or listen to a great CD and think you’ll like it, I’ll buy it for you. My girlfriends know they won’t get birthday or Christmas gifts from me because I don’t give on calendar demand but you’ll undoubtedly get a book or two and a piece of music from me when you least expect it. You’re welcome.

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  21. This is how I know I am stressed, I read this whole thing early this morning and thought….hmm, I wonder what movie it was. Then someone mentioned it in the comments and I assumed they were local and just knew what was playing. Just went to review and there it is smack at the beginning. I need a vacation….

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  22. Goats don’t smell any more than any other barn animal, except in-tact male goats, who pee on their beard to attract women.
    We raised goats for several years out west, and all my female goats were named after my favorite sitcom characters from my youth and the buck was named Chachi. And he stunk when he wanted to impress the ladies.
    Baby goats, with their leaping and their playing, are the best. I could have easily skipped work and sat on the outside step every day watching their antics.

    I don’t have friends any more so I don ‘t do the lunch thing, but people in general are something I am more inclined to avoid. I would think to buy you something that reminded me of you, but not actually do it because I think more people find that weird than not, and I’m sensitive about coming off as a weirdo.

    I think I bought my now-husband some clothes when we were dating – we only dated 3 months before we were engaged and we got married 9 months after our first date. I am not ashamed to admit that comes across as marking your territory – whether it’s the nice towels or candles left in a single guy’s apartment or clothes on a boyfriend. Better than peeing on his beard, right?

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      1. Someone needs to have a talk with the boys. I had a friend who had goats, and she named one of them Jeanie, after me. (Thanks a lot, friend.) One day a beam fell from the roof of the barn and killed her dead. Jeanie, not my friend, although she did die, too, several years later.

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  23. Add me as another female who hates shopping in a pack, would never think to bring a thinking of you gift, and do not understand candle obsessions. I am good about hostess gifts and bringing food during a crisis, so I haven’t completely disappointed my mother.

    I also have never bought my husband clothes. He asks me to go shopping with him, to give my opinion, but I’m always thinking, dude-you literally wear jeans or khakis with either a long-sleeve button-up or a polo shirt 365 days a year, why is my opinion needed?! I go because he rarely asks me for anything, but I’m internally rolling my eyes the whole time.

    I rarely comment, but I loved this post. You’re so pretty, June!

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  24. I love movies, I hate talking people talking at movies, not just women. Therefore, I watch movies at home.
    I’ve had women help me update my wardrobe, no problem.
    How do women feel about a man buying them clothes, like lingerie? Curious.

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  25. Talking during a movie drives me crazy, and so does looking at the phone if you are seated in front of me because your phone light is BURNING MY RETINAS. (deep breaths)
    I like going to lunch with friends, but I don’t have the time to do that very often. I don’t take a gift and I don’t think I’ve ever gotten one either. Like many others, I’m not into giving or receiving candles – with one exception. I always have a candle lit in the powder bath when we have a party. I don’t think any further explanation is needed here.
    That Snoopy cartoon is so awesome. Snoopy was the original Yoko. She totally copied him.
    Great post, June! Happy Valentine’s Day!

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  26. My husband is the Grand Poobah of shushing people in theaters. He doesn’t care what anyone thinks and would do it in the North, South, East and West. Sometimes I worry he will be shivved coming out of the theater, but then I think, at least he got to see his movie in peace before his untimely demise.

    And if I didn’t buy his clothes, he would walk around in suits from 1980, and casual wear from the Husky section of Sears. He would have to be buried in wide lapels with fat ties after he bled out in front of the Century Theaters.

    Liked by 2 people

  27. We went to a concert about a week ago. The couple sitting next to us talked the whole time. During a quiet song, they talked and laughed, and didn’t notice that people were shushing them. About half way through the concert, we left our seats and stood in the aisle, next to the wall. They could see us, but still didn’t take the hint. So annoying!

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  28. I enjoyed every word of this post and the comments, but I was reading this on my phone and noticed something weird. I am wearing a cozy Carolina blue sweatshirt I bought yesterday that has the thumb holes in the wrist, and since I was reading this on my phone and there was so much about clothes, I kept noticing the thumb holes. I don’t usually use them because I push up my sleeves a lot, but when they’re empty, the holes look like little mouths on my wrists. I keep imagining Senor Wences croaking “‘Sall right” at me. A Carolina blue Senor Wences. Or a pre-Sesame Street Muppet singing “Muh nuh muh nuh.” Now instead of taking the garbage out or getting ready for work, I am flexing my wrists to make them sing. Say “wrist” one more time. This is definitely the best part of my day. Thanks, Coot and Company!

    Liked by 1 person

  29. I like lunching with female friends, mainly one on one. I have done it in groups with family, like a Christmas time lunch at the diner and then a little shopping in nearby unique antique and gift shops, with my mother and my sisters. Gifts were exchanged but it was for Christmas. We don’t buy the guys as much so it’s less awkward too.
    I bought my husband a shirt soon after I began dating him too. He had a limited wardrobe and it was something nice that he needed. He was pleased. It was also his birthday. I didn’t have to decorate his tiny house that he was renting. There was seriously limited space and he had done well himself. I do buy him clothes but he does it too.
    My sister is a big candle person but she has an enamel over cast iron woodstove, the perfect safe place to burn them, one at a time. Good scents, never overpowering ones. I burn one on my stove, a jarred one, if I cook something and it smells funky.

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  30. We are all a chatty bunch but NEVER once the movie starts. As previously stated, movies are far too expensive for that nonsense.

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  31. There is one friend I won’t go to the cinema with anymore as her chatting is embarrassing. That said I LOVE going out or staying in with groups of girly friends. I laugh until my cheeks hurt. I feel fizzy for ages afterwards. We don’t get to meet as a full crew more than a couple of times a year and I think that’s a huge pity.

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  32. I don’t even like walking by the Yankee Candle shop at the mall. The only time I ever light any candles are for the table on Thanksgiving or Christmas. And even then, I usually forget. And they are candlesticks, not the huge ones that need their own dish.

    I hate people who talk through any performance. Long ago, when I was young, my now husband and I went to a Neil Young concert. Maybe four rows behind us was a girl. I can’t say woman, but she may have been 20. Throughout the ENTIRE concert she SCREAMED AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS: “NEILYOUNGNEILYOUNGNEILYOUNGNEILYOUNG…” She did not stop for breath, or to sing, or to rest her obviously soon to be damaged vocal cords. She SCREAMED the whole time. I am not one who thinks of violence as a way to solve problems, but if I could’ve gotten away with it she would have died a quiet death right there in her seat.

    Goat yoga sounds fun!

    Lovely post, lovely June!

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  33. A special place in hell is reserved for those who talk during performances.

    I generally don’t buy my friends random gifts – but if I do see something they might like, I might pick it up for the next appropriate gift giving event like Christmas or birthday.

    My husband HATES for me to buy his clothes – but what he doesn’t seem to understand is that he NEEDS me to buy his clothes. The closest he has come to acknowledging this was last week when I was complaining about the ratty t-shirt he was wearing. He said, “If you were gone, people would think I’m homeless.” I told him they already do.

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  34. I love these comments.

    I went to see a band I love and some young thing (who shouldn’t know the band – go home young people) was high and pushing her way in and dancing around in peoples (my) personal space. I pushed her in the back and glared until she finally went and danced somewhere else.

    Nowadays I’d tell people to ‘Can you please be quiet, I’m here to listen to the movie’. If shushing hadn’t already worked.

    I would NEVER go shopping for clothes with other women. Its traumatic enough by myself. My husband gives me gift vouchers for clothes shops in an effort to make me buy new clothes. I have bought him the odd clothing item, when it has been a gift giving occasion (Christmas, birthday) and I have no idea what to get. Clothing is my I-was-stuck-for-an-idea gift. Because its not clutter. And wine is a staple in our house, so it doesn’t really cut it as a gift. I would never buy a present for someone randomly. If I see something I know they would love, I buy it and wait for their birthday. Otherwise you get launched on this expensive sea of obligatory gift-giving of crap you don’t want or need.

    Finally, I love candles. They are so pretty lit. But I forget to light them. I have a stash that sits there, and I light one maybe once a month. Because who has time to light a candle when you need to get dinner, cuddle your kids, read, clean the house, water the garden and do laundry?

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  35. I reserve my right to comment out loud during the trailers (and only about the trailers, I don’t keep talking about other stuff), but I keep quiet during the main film. Last time I was at the theater, I could see the guy in front of me was half-looking around at me and was probably wondering if he needed to move his seat, before it was too late, so I leaned forward and said, “Don’t worry – I shut up when the main show starts.” My teen daughter was mortified.

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