...friend/Ned · Aging ungracefully · At Two With Nature · Beauty products · Fuck natural · Health · June's stupid life

In which aspic is mentioned

When we left each other yesterday, slamming the door and saying, “IT’S OVER! I MEAN IT THIS TIME!”, I was going to try to come back here and write you at lunch.

That didn’t happen. Work. Tis busy.

So here’s a two-day update on everything that’s happening in my stupid world. I wish to tell you about Ned and Nancy, my broken toe (surprise!), stupid cosmetic things I did and also Steely Dan’s shenanigans. This is like when you go to a fancy event and they show you a little menu of what you’re getting.

MENU

Fresh radishes
Liverwurst finger sandwiches
Aspic

No, I don’t know what kind of horrific imaginary fancy events I attend, either.

Ned & Nancy. An update.

I wanted to give you a visual, here, so I went to my pictures and searched, “cat,” and then my computer carried on with the guffawing. “Oh, THAT’S specific, June,” it said, as my computer is actually some kind of talking sarcastic animal like on The Flintstones.

IMG_4112.jpgHere. And lose the attitude, computer.

As you know–because for generations, your family will be gathering to tell my stories–Ned adopted Nancy, my foster cat. What with the losing her kittens and the going back to the shelter to get spayed and having a terrible time with her operation and possibly with being feral, she got to Ned’s and was not pooping in her box. Like, she was pooping all over yonder, including her food dish.

Ned did everything, seriously everything, so stop “Did he…”-ing me. The vet suggested he confine poor Nancy–which I just wrote as “poop Nancy”–to one small room, and leave her in there.

Guess what. It worked. It took several days, but for the past FOUR days, she has gone exclusively in her box. Ned is encouraged. “This weekend, I’ll move her up to the computer room,” said Ned. He gave Nancy a promotion.

Toe. An update.

As you know, because for generations your family will–oh, stop, June. M’toe is broken.

Yesterday, my doctor-recommended hard-soled shoes came. I worked from home yesterday, because I never thought about it much till it HURT, but it’s a long damn-ass walk from the parking lot to my actual desk, and it involves stairs, and ouch.

So I propped my foot yesterday, I was in the props department, and then when my shoes came, I hobbled to the door to receive them. It was like shoe communion.

Screen Shot 2018-02-21 at 7.59.15 AM

There they were. All flowered and shit.

And?

I can’t wear them. I can’t get my foot in that little hole. I mean, I forced myself into said shoe like a wicked stepsister, and then it hurt worse once it was in there. So this weekend, Ima have to hobble over to DSW and look for something clog-ish.

Dammit.

Also, the part where it was almost evening and I was putting on shoes sent Edsel into fits of WE GONNA WALK joy, and I had to crush his dreams rather testily, as I was in pain and he was IRKING me.

Also, this morning, I was drying off after showering

(I’ll give you a moment to stop being turned on.)

1200px-Marcus_Thames_Tigers_2007

and as I was drying off, I half paid attention (my epitaph) and sort of told myself, Remember your big toe is broken when of course

IT’S THE LITTLE TOE MOTHER OF GOD OW.

OWW.

OW.

So now it hurts even more.

And, scene.

June’s a grooming asshole. An update.

Recently, I noted that there are many cute local stores and boutiques near me that I never go into. I always breeze past them as I’m on my way to get something else, usually a sandwich. There’s one sandwich place that’s been there since 1977 and they’ve updated the decor not at all, and I’m deeply in love with the whole atmosphere. I feel like I should be in there with my rainbow jeans and my Bass 100s.

Anyway, a few Saturdays back I decided to spend the whole day just popping into all those shops I never go in, and that is how I discovered the grooming place.

They might as well rename themselves June Store.

They do Botox and microdermabrasion, facial peels and makeup. They do manicures and waxing, they do all the shit I blow all my money on. I was there, innocently getting Botox when I found myself signing up for eyelash extensions.

Yes.

It takes more than an hour, as you lie there and talk to a woman who sounds precisely like my pal Alicia, who is painstakingly attaching eyelashes to your lid, one by one. It lasts about a month–you’re supposed to go back and get touchups.

IMG_5384.jpg
goddamn nose

But the thing is, they mostly all fell out. And I was all, Well, THAT was a bust, but in fact they texted me to ask how my lashes were working out. And that is the kind of person I am. I get texts asking, How are your lashes working out?

Anyway I told them and they’re redoing them all for free.

The interesting thing, and I may be alone in placing this under the category of “interesting,” is that you’re not allowed to wear mascara with these on, and as these are falling out I’m still not using mascara, because rule-follower.

The point is, I can see my real lashes now, and this is the longest I’ve ever gone without mascara since I’m 24 and went through a hippie phase. I mean, allegedly I take my mascara off, but those of you who groom know it’s never really off. There are always remenenenenants.

My friend’s grandmother could never say that word, so now I can’t NOT say “remenenenants” as well.

THE POINT IS, it’s really off. I mean, I have no mascara on these lashes. And what a set of namby-pamby Melanie Wilkes lashes these are. Holy cats. Why do I have to have seven pounds of hair and caterpillar brows and if I don’t shave my legs every morning I’m Zira from Planet of the Apes but my eyelashes?

NO! Fine and blonde, those are.

WHY, GOD.

…Oh, right. Yes, I’d forgotten that. …Oh, that too? You’re still pissed about that? Geez.

IMG_5544.jpg

I see I’ve run out of time to tell you about Steely Dan, but I think you and I both know it would go like this:

SD is an asshole. We all love him for it.

The end.

53 thoughts on “In which aspic is mentioned

  1. Am I the only one who was so excited to see aspic going to be discussed? I love me a good tomato aspic. I use Fannie Flagg’s recipe from the Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe Cookbook. I do love a good aspic.

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  2. Oh, I get it, the baseball picture, bases, but I only got it after it was mentioned in comments. It made me laugh hard while I was reading the post though because I figured it was the least sexiest scene you could ever think of. I think I was overthinking, something I’m not usually accused of, or even thinking in general.

    You’re so pretty, Joob!

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  3. Too bad about the pink DMs! Do they anything similar in a Mary Jane/clog-type style that your foot would go into?
    SO HAPPY that it might end up working out with Nancy/Ned!!
    I can’t even bear mascara, so getting eyelashes glued onto my lids would freak me the hell out.

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  4. The eyelash extensions are fab. I’m too chicken to try them, though.

    Too bad about the shoes. I hope you are able to find a pair that you can wear without too much pain. It’s amazing how a pinky toe can cause more pain that most anything, right up there with a dry socket after a tooth extraction. Ugh!

    Aspic sounds too much like arsenic to me.

    Your faithful Amazon link shopper,
    Mrs. P.

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  5. I made an appointment for eyelash extensions, but then was at a coffee shop and there was some Kardashian-wannabe with ridiculous lashes; she looked like a llama. Like each blink had to be planned, timed and a route had to be cleared. So I canceled. Also, there is a blogger I hate-follow who was all EYELASH EXTENSIONS CHANGED MY LIFE (see: hate-follow) but she’s moved on to some other ridiculous life affirming bullshit now and where was I going with this anyway? Of course I have skimpy lashes; I have skimpy hair as I have bemoaned ad nauseum. On the plus side, I rarely have to shave. On some sitcom (shut.up.) recently, some young chippie said to her boyfriend’s mother, “I’m just naturally hairless from the neck down.” The normally-haired mom sneered, “Get the hell out of my house.” Cracked me up. GOD I AM WANDERING TODAY.

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  6. My girlfriend gets her extensions put on DAILY. Her daughter applies them for a living, so it’s cheap, but still. She is addicted. She also looks amazing.

    I am also cursed with the blond eyelashes, but I have learned to live with them. What I would like to find is a good eye make-up remover that takes off the mascara without rubbing my eye skin off. I use Lancome, and it always leaves me with raccoon eyes. If anyone has suggestions, I’m listening.

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    1. Have you tried a cold cream or baby oil before cleaning your face (oh God, how OLD am I to be recommending this?!) Either of these is what my mom used, but I seem to recall that they removed mascara easily.

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    2. I have tried a few expensive eye makeup removers, but I keep going back to Target’s brand, Up and Up (I think). It works so well, and the price is right.

      Liked by 1 person

    3. 2 suggestions:
      1. The Avon eye makeup remover is amazing. I love it so much.

      2. Have you considered getting your blond eyelashes dyed darker? I know that is a thing. I have never done it, but it is a thing.

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  7. Sorry the shoes didn’t work out for you. Can you return them?

    Such hopeful news about Ned and Nancy. May her pooping-in-the-litter-box success continue even after her promotion.

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  8. I’m happy Nancy is using the litter box and will be getting a promotion this weekend. She’ll be able to spend more time being spoiled by Ned.

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  9. When you return for your lash touch up, you should see if they can do mermaid lash extensions. Yes, that is pretty much what it sounds like – colored lash extensions. I think they are gorgeous.

    I am so happy for Ned & Nancy. I hope she continues to progress in the poop department.

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  10. Aww, PoopNancy is calming down and getting better! That was a whole lot for girlfriend to go through in a few days’ time. And you have to wonder if she misses her kiddens. or am I anthropomorphising her a bit much? Well, she’ll be so spoiled by Ned, she’ll forget everybody! Yay Ned, for hanging in there a little longer. Yay Nancy, for finding two great homes.

    I heart SD so bad. Don’t we all wish we had his swaggah? i have a female twin of him at home, who is a complete jerk and I love her so much. Especially when she crawls under the covers with me in bed and spoons me during the night.

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  11. Your lashes are gorgeous!! I have had lash extensions done twice and I LOVED them!! I felt so pretty with those long curling up lashes. Unfortunately, I think I am allergic to the glue because my eyes itched all the time. One time I had them and I was driving late at night on a dark, curvy road and my eyes started stinging and watering like crazy!! I had to pull over because I couldn’t keep my eyes open. It was scary. It didn’t stop my from getting them a second time at a different place. The second set was more glorious than the first. Same issue. Sad day when I had to admit they were not meant for me.
    I’m so jealous of anyone who can wear them without any problems.
    I think Ned and Nancy are going to have a beautiful, long relationship.

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      1. I think I might be allergic to my new mascara that you guys told me about – Dior Show. It did not stop me from buying another tube because I want to be able to keep using it.

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  12. One of the times I broke my foot, the doctor recommended Ecco shoes. The ones I bought had a small zipper along one side and I could more easily slip my broken foot into the shoe and then zip it up for a more secure fit. That idea might work for your broken toe, too.

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  13. I know you said you can’t wear the pink shoes, but you meant you can’t wear them NOW, right? Like later when your toe is better (or you just let Kathy Bates ax it off) you will be able to wear them then, right? Because so so cute!

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  14. I am so proud of Ned. So many people just give up when the animal isn’t easy. I hope Nancy rewards him with many years of companionship with him and this all works out!

    This is what made me nearly snort coffee out my nose:

    Why do I have to have seven pounds of hair and caterpillar brows and if I don’t shave my legs every morning I’m Zira from Planet of the Apes but my eyelashes?

    Also, my husband, oldest daughter and my son all have lashes so thick and so lush that they have to try on sunglasses to make sure the lenses are far enough away SO THEY DON’T HEAR THEIR LASHES HITTING THE LENS. I think if my daughter wore mascara she wouldn’t have the eyelid strength to blink. It’s crazy. You can watch people who have never met them stand to the side of them, and call people over, “look at their eyelashes.”

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  15. I’m so proud of Nancy! I hope she continues putting her poop where it belongs.

    Sorry about the shoes, but if the shoe fits… Oh, wait.

    Did you tell the lash master, or whatever they’re called, that they’re working out alright, working right out of your lash line?

    I don’t know what’s wrong with me this morning. Maybe it’s because I only had three cups of coffee, instead of my usual four.

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  16. So glad to hear that Ned and Nancy are working things out! And also too, I will be forever sad if Steely Dan ever stops being an asshole.

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  17. I know this is horrifying for a shoe addict to consider, but you can get a surgical shoe from Amazon for pretty cheap. When I broke my toe and couldn’t get into my shoes, that’s what I ended up wearing. It’s not pretty, but it works.

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  18. Fellow rule follower. My mom, not so much. She’s the lady driving the wrong direction down parking lot lanes “because no one is coming”. No, Mom! She makes me insane.
    I’m so happy to hear that Nancy is doing better. Thanks for your patience, Ned.
    The baseball picture cracked me up.

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    1. Uh oh, the older I get, the less I follow rules. The other day, I went the wrong way out of a hospital parking lot and parked in the “cell phone only” space. It was also midnight, and I figured i probably wasn’t inconveniencing anyone at that time of night. But I was still being a rebel!

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  19. Rule-follower. Just cracked me up.

    That’s too bad those cute shoes didn’t fit. Now you HAVE to go shoe shopping. Those lashes are beautiful. Since I don’t wear makeup often I enjoy the heck out of just rubbing my eyes. Then when I do wear makeup I forget and rub my eyes and then look like Tammy Faye Bakker. I do have a beauty tip my doctor suggested: add frankincense (an essential oil) to your lotion to help with wrinkles. I have been adding it to my face moisturizer and I think it is helping. I saved an empty moisturizer jar and added about a tablespoon of moisturizer, from the new jar, and about four drops of the frankincense and mixed it well.

    That is great news about Nancy using the box. Maybe all she needed was a small confined space to feel secure. I really want Nancy and Ned to work out and have a long, happy relationship.

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  20. I have always wanted those lash extensions but I am cheap and my husband says I don’t need them…I am hoping it is because I really don’t and he just isn’t as equally cheap as me.

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  21. So many highs and lows in one post. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that Nancy continues pooping in the box. I was so happy to read that.

    But the shoes! Insert sad face.

    I never considered lash extensions, although I probably should because I have no lashes at all, and now you’re making me rethink them. They look amazing!

    You’re so pretty, June!

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  22. Yea! I was afraid you were going to say that Nancy had been returned to the shelter and that would have made me cry. That sweet girl is trying! The clogs are all the rage so I’m sure you will still be stylin’ with whatever you end up buying. I am not surprised they fell out or off. I mean how strong can the glue be? I don’t understand these things, that is why I don’t have pretty lashes.

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  23. OOoooh! I got lash extensions this summer and was OBSESSED. I didn’t dare get them redone because I can’t afford them and I could feel myself getting addicted. I also had microblading done on my eyebrows because HIGH SCHOOL OVER PLUCKER but yours are great!

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  24. My foot doctor told me I need a “wide toe box” when buying shoes. It’s several years later and I am still offended by that remark. Anyway, I do think about that when I’m shoe shopping and have found that Clark Brand Shoes are really comfortable and they don’t irritate the Plantar Fasciitis either. Yay about Nancy! The only time my eyelashes see the light of day is the Week of Fourth of July that we spend at the lake. It’s the only time I do not wear makeup. One glorious week of rubbing my eyes!

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    1. See. I have all the excitement of mascara-free eyes, and none of the reward of getting to rub them. You are not allowed with extensions, even though mine are mostly fallen out. See: rule-follower.

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  25. OK. I paused my reading to say I just started happy crying when you said Ned and Nancy are still working on their relationship. This is like when Elliott and Nancy were going to give it another try on thirtysomething. So much hopefulness!

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      1. I re-watched (almost) the whole series a few years ago on Netflix. Still amazing television. I stopped however when Gary got involved with that social activist woman whatever her name was and before Gary, well, you know. Weeping still.

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