Where Neighbors Come Together

For once, there was cat drama on my NextDoor that didn’t involve Steely Dan.

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wat? steeeleee dan pleasure of lyfe.

Do y’all have NextDoor? It’s a website just for your neighborhood, so you can know right away who’s racist. They should just go ahead and update their name to BigotNextDoor.

ALERT! SUSPICIOUS AFRICAN AMERICAN MAN ENTERING HOUSE ON 1600 BLOCK!

That’s his house. So.

Anyway, I signed up awhile back, thinking it would be convenient to know where the yard sales were, or if anyone was giving away free Irish Wolfhounds or what have you. I had no idea it’d be such a source of entertainment for me.

My favorite NextDoor in my neighborhood thus far was the one titled The Affair Continues… I could not click “See More” fast enough. There is a crater in my phone from me hitting “See More” so hard.

This BUSYBODY had been photographing a man and his car, because he had the nerve to park in front of her house, can you imagine? Who has the audacity to park on the street like that? Anyway, according to this woman, he then would regularly walk to my street and was having an affair, despite having taken wedding vows that this woman was somehow privy to. Perhaps she photographed his wedding. From a window.

When people started to accuse her of, oh, maybe not minding her own business so well, she threw out the “but my KIDS” excuse, which is really my favorite fallback. “I don’t want my KIDS knowing about this kind of behavior!”

The only reason your kids would know is because their mom is pointing her iPhone out the window like a crazy person.

Anyway, last night there was another FOUND CAT announcement, and I always click on those, because 75% of the time there’s a photo of a smug gray asshole eating canned food on someone’s porch.

“IS THIS GIANT SHINY CAT YOURS? WE FED HIM. CLEARLY THIS 20-POUND BRIGHT-EYED MUSCLED CAT NEEDS FOOD AND IS CURRENTLY STARVING.”

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heeeeeeee…

But in this case, it was a striped cat, a sort of mangy-looking thing who’d be having more luck in the wild if Steely Dan weren’t cockblocking all the mice, which I’m certain he is.

WE FOUND THIS CAT! IS HE YOURS?!!

 

No woman can write anything on NextDoor without being shrill.

WERE THOSE GUNSHOTS?!!!?

It’s…the 4th of July.

Anyway, on Wednesday a woman found Mangy cat, and then all in that same day, she took him to the vet; took him to the PetSmart, there; got him special food and meds; declared her kids to be “in love” with this cat; and did a whole, “Internet, meet Kirby!” announcement.

On Thursday, another neighbor said, “That’s my cat.”

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THAT’S YOUR CAT? HOW CAN THIS BE YOUR CAT?!? HE’S SICK! HE HAS DIABETES! I TOOK HIM TO THE VET AND NOW I KNOW HE HAS DIABETES HOW CAN YOU SAY THIS IS YOUR CAT HE’S MINE HE’S MY KIRBY BUT MY KIDS!!!!

And see. At first I was on the “found a peanut” woman’s side. She finds this sick cat, and then some negligent cat parent strolls in all wanting her cat back, or even worse, lying to get a free cat. Like this whole neighborhood isn’t sick with healthy cats lounging around for the taking.

If he’s your cat, why isn’t there a note on NextDoor? Why aren’t there signs up on poles? Why didn’t you chip him? Why did you let him out? Why are you that height? Why? BUT MY KIDS.

Here’s what’s starting to annoy me about the world. When did we get so weird about our animals? When did we get so smug, and decide we were the only people who knew best, and you’re only a good person if you do ALL THE THINGS on a GIANT LIST of things one must do to be a good pet owner?

When did we all become the woman taking a picture of the affair guy? But with cats?

Anyway, as I watched this unfold last night (oh, trust me. I had to will myself to go to bed), it was evident that the woman who really owned the cat had

  • already TAKEN her cat to the vet where
  • it was given a gluten-free diet (which, pfft) that it had to be on for a week before it
  • could start its diabetes meds, and
  • IT WAS A WANDERER, which I know nothing about, and
  • the last time it wandered off, this woman HAD put something up on NextDoor and no one answered and the cat came home on its own.

This was not good enough for Kirby’s new mom. She insisted the woman who owns the cat PROVE it was hers. Because everyone wants a sick old cat. And she wanted to be paid for all the trouble she went to, and included a photo of the vet bill.

“This is insane,” said the actual owner of the cat. “This is extortion. Give me my cat back.”

I love NextDoor.

Anyway, eventually “Kirby’s mom” gave the cat back, and threw–THREW!!–the medication she had taken it upon herself to purchase in the doorway of the actual owner of the cat, then left a scathing wrap-up comment about it to the rest of us, which I noticed she’d been thanked for.

Who thanked this nutbar? I wondered, so I clicked.

She’d thanked herself.

So. That sums her up, right there.

Meanwhile, another woman who has always driven me berserk, who I’ll call Kitty Chip, chimed in every so often, during this whole diatribe.

“Please, everyone, chip your kitties.”

“Make sure your kitties always have a chip.”

“All kitties should be chipped.”

OH MY GOD GET A HOBBY. Says the woman who just blogged at you about her NextDoor.

And also, stop referring to cats as kitties.

I really wanted to pull a Hulk and say, “You all know this is going on The Best of NextDoor, right?” but I did not. I stayed out of it. Other than to write a thousand words about it here.

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thank goodness we dignify in dis howse

Gladys Kravitz-ly,

Jooon

 

97 thoughts on “Where Neighbors Come Together

  1. “But my kids.” BUTT my kids.

    My NextDoor is so damn boring. We don’t have any virtual catfights. No suspicious African American sightings. We have STUPID JERKS who ask for a landscaper or plumber recommendation one damned day after someone else did. Go read those thirty responses, you lazy JACKASS. I can’t start a fight with Poopgate neighbor, because he joined NextDoor, saw that I was a leader and unjoined so fast his email got whiplash. I can’t start a fight with Idiot Entitled Retired Cop across the street, because he’s not on NextDoor either. I don’t think he even has a computer. Or a color TV. Plus I suspect his dead wife is Mrs. Batesing in the spare room.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Do you live in my neighborhood, because mine is the same. BORING. No one complains, no gossip, nothing exciting. Just “do you know a good contractor?”. Where’s the entertainment in THAT?

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  2. I would be living for that drama! My boring town has nothing. Sick of the kid excuse too. Once your kid rides a school bus, they hear and see it all.

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  3. My neighbor (who has always had a cat, but hers died of very old age a couple of years ago) attempted to adopt 2 kitten rescues and, I swear, she was put through more questioning and vetting than a Syrian refugee. She even had to supply vet records for her dead pet. The woman in charge of the rescue was particularly appalled that my neighbor’s former cat had been allowed to die peacefully of old age. I was given as a reference and I had to swear to that woman that my neighbor would never even DREAM of letting a cat outside.

    I lied, of course. Some cats need to be outside, you Fascist cat-loving moron.

    So she finally got the 2 kittens, but the dogmatists (oooh, no pun intended) in the world of pet-rearing are starting to scare me.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Once when I lived in Seattle, I wanted to adopt a cat and was told no because the women in charge lived too far to make home visits to check up on me.

      Home visits.

      For a cat.

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Thanks for the entertaining read this morning! Our NextDoor is also very boring. I live in a neighborhood with lots of young families. It’s full of requests for play dates and babysitter updates.
    It’s fun to live vicariously in your neighborhood.

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  5. Hilarious! I declined to sign up for NextDoor because I had to give them my home address to prove I did, indeed, live next door. But now that I see what I’m missing…

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  6. Oh my goodness, this is hilarious, to me, that is. Why doesn’t the cat stealer just get her kids their own cat and leave the neighbors’ cats alone. I don’t have a clue if there is a Next Door in my area. I’ll have to ask my neighbor that lives behind me.

    Look at SD looking all innocent like he’s never been the subject of the Next Door group.

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  7. Edsel is so handsome.

    Our NextDoor is boring too. It is so boring they have enlarged the area. Still boring. Except for the time the lady two doors down said if she is expecting a package from UPS and it doesn’t arrive, she will walk up to any porch in the neighborhood that has a box and check to see if it belongs to her.

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  8. “My kids are crying” is the number one comment on my NextDoorNutJob. I so bad wanna say “maybe get off the internet and see what they want!”

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  9. My favorite NextDoor was when someone posted a video of a person “casing” her house and then had to post a retraction like a day later because her neighbor saw the video and let her know that it was him who was “casing” the house and he had come over because he’d heard a noise and wanted to make sure everything was okay.

    I had to quit NextDoor because the racism was getting a little upsetting. But it was fun to see people get hella pissed when someone would ask for a recommendation (e.g. lawn guy) without going back through the history of NextDoor to see if anyone else had ever asked for an identical recommendation. CARDINAL SIN.

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  10. Our neighborhood/community has a FB page and it’s the best ever! People lose their minds regularly; kids driving too fast, golf carts driving on the roads, kids driving golf carts, owners not picking up dog poop, but the best one ever was about a hamburger.
    We have a little restaurant at the front of the community, which is really handy if you have a billion dollars to spend on dinner. Someone post a picture with some “blood” in a hamburger that they had ordered “well done”. By the end the original poster (is that a thing??) was wishing explosive diarrhea on some of the commentators. I was obsessed with the thread! It was brilliant! Even now a year after the post someone will bring up the hamburger incident. Best thing I’ve ever read with the exception of lovely June’s not blog.

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  11. Also too, we are watching, on the front row, a flaming affair in the park where we walk. No fools like old fools. They both are married and they know we know they’re both married and we know her husband, who is a nice guy but yet they are so blatant about it. Rent a room. Even other walkers are talking about this old fools affair to us, they usually say, “you know she is NOT his wife”. “We know”. Is always our response.

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      1. That’s it! If all spouses are chipped, think how easy all of the legalities will be. Brilliant Joon.

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      2. Are they chipped? That made me laugh. They should be. His spouse has significant health issues and I often see him in the grocery store buying medicine and, of course, food. Her spouse walks their dog in the morning and we see him. He, the spouse not the dog, seems totally unaware of what is happening and is really a nice guy. So the dog, that we love, gets walked in the morning and the late afternoon.

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  12. I completely agree there should be some background checks before allowing pet adoption, rescue, INCLUDING PURCHASE. When you buy a cat or dog from a breeder? Pfffft. As long as your check is good, you’re good to go. When we rescued our dog, we were fully interviewed, including home visit. When I bought our cat? “Here you go. See ya.” When we rescued our breeder cat (because she could no longer produce kittens she was going to a shelter … where she … I can’t even think about it, but she does not have the personality to do well in a shelter), her former owner brought her over, decided the cat would be happy here and left, never to be heard from again. (I think the former owner wanted us to adopt her, too.) And, BTW, I will never purchase a pet again. I will only adopt/rescue.

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  13. My Next Door has a lot of suspicious vehicle activity. That and crazy Hawk guy getting flack about setting his hawk loose in a cat and dog filled neighborhood. Once saw said hawk swoop down and grab a jack rabbit twice the size of my Bozley.

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  14. “On Thursday, another neighbor said, “That’s my cat.”
    I almost spit out my tea when I read this! LOL!!! So funny!

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  15. We don’t have NextDoor in my neighborhood, so people here do their screeching the old fashioned way, on Facebook.
    Your neighborhood sounds much more interesting anyway, probably due to your outstanding narrative skills.

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  16. I tried to join NextDoor. They said there was a group for my neighborhood so I went through the signing up process, after which they said “Congratulations! You’re the first member of your neighborhood group. Go talk to all your neighbors and get them to join!” Yeah, if I wanted to talk to my neighbors in person I wouldn’t need your stupid service, would I?

    The family who lives behind us have 8 chickens who roam the neighborhood. Putting the range in free-range. If we had a NextDoor group there would probably be some interesting chicken complaints.

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  17. We do not have NextDoor. I’m sad. BUT MY KIDS!! I would be all up in that- reading the comments, giggling but not entering the fray.

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  18. Our Next Door seems to exist mostly for lost pets. There is one guy who doesn’t like any noise who posts his complaints every time there is a high school football game. Get a life! At least the kids are doing something wholesome and healthy and not selling drugs in his back yard. I finally had to block his posts they were so boring and predictable.

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  19. At least your drama is living, breathing related. We just have Speed-bump-gate. If you’re opposed, you hate children and want them murdered in their sleep but if you’re pro, you want my house to burn down because it takes longer for the fire department.
    Very regal photos today!

    Liked by 1 person

  20. My NextDoor is largely a stream of folks attempting to hawk various pyramid schemes (vitamins! makeup! money laundering!), but we do occasionally get hysterical posts over the few coyotes – who want NOTHING to do with any of us and just minding their own business.

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  21. Look, I’ve got kids. They are NOT going to notice if some dude goes to some neighbor’s house. Hell, the only reason they ever notice when someone comes to OUR house is because the idiot dogs barkbarkbark like the world is ending. If her kids are old enough to notice and care that a man they haven’t seen before is visiting Lucille’s house on the regular, they’re old enough to intuit exactly why he’s there, and if they’re old enough for that, they’re too old for Mom to be trying to protect their preshus sensibilities.

    Also, I love you, Joooooon.

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    1. Oh. Huh. I’m logged in as my podcast. Oops. This is TheOtherErin, but I guess now I’m that person who’s all “hey everyone, listen to my podcast”. Hashtag am good at self-promotion.

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    2. And what’s worse for your kids to learn? That sometimes people are dishonest and have affairs, or that your own mom condones gossip and pettiness? One lesson is unavoidable. The other is in her control.

      Liked by 1 person

  22. This was so fun! Like tele novellas, which I don’t always understand, either. I have no idea if we have NextDoor. I just walk, you know, next door if there’s a problem, misdirected mail, lost wallet, random package in the street. Seriously, I find the weirdest stuff. That wallet was a LONG way from home AND it had a frequent flyer card for a local strip club in it. I wonder if the wife knew. Because I returned the wallet, in person, and there was a wife and kids. And no, I’m not chipped.

    Liked by 1 person

  23. I waffle between being so judgmental about people who lose their pets and don’t appear to be looking for them, and remembering it’s very possible my dog just got away from somebody who really loved her (she is an amazing dog) and just hadn’t learned yet how good she is at getting away. She will chew through a collar, harness or leash in no time flat if she’s tied out. She almost got over our 5 ft chain link fence several times when I was right there. She is fast and little and has natural camo coloring. She would be GONE. Her official story is she was dumped pregnant and about 1 yr old, ended up in a rescue group with her puppies, and transported to a group in my state. I always wonder what the real story is, though.

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  24. My NextDoor is pretty boring. Am jealous.

    Also, I am terrified to let my cat out and I know she wants out. I’m afraid of her not coming back or getting hit by a car. I lost lots of cats to cars growing up. Also, we have a large feral community. She’s pretty bad ass but I don’t know if she’s bad ass enough for that. Poor neglected kitty.

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  25. We have NextDoor but I’m not on it — my husband is, though, and according to him, it’s sometimes entertaining. I don’t have the energy to be bothered. I get enough entertainment from the two weirdos next to and across from me. Plus, the last time I went to a “neighborhood association” meeting, I knew I didn’t want to be bothered with the majority of my neighbors who are probably all on NextDoor, complaining about the rented frat house, drug dealing at the front of the neighborhood and the “dogs” (I swear they’re coyotes) our other neighbors let roam around. Jeebus, this sounds worse the more I write down.

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  26. Oh my goodness I think I clicked like on ten comments today. You guys are on fire. Also I snorted out loud at that “meanwhile in the comments” meme. Ha! Poor Kirby lady. How misdirected can you get?

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          1. Maybe it’s a stretch but I just finished “Little Fires Everywhere” by Celeste Ng and it had a very similar plot line… except you’d have to substitute a baby for a cat!

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  27. I’m a NextDoor administrator and ours is pretty good. I’ve only had to block two promotional type posts in these several years. I’ve only had one person not want to provide info, which I find odd. I’ve only had two people flounce and they both could have changed their settings if they wanted to. We get a lot of everything, but not much complaining. A lot of people looking out for feral cats. I thought we were the only ones sheltering ferals in our suburban neighborhood. I’m in Iowa and even the dumbasses can be mostly nice. A group on Facebook just had someone flounce because she couldn’t stop notifications from the group. I wanted to say, “Learn how to use Facebook or get the hell off completely.” But I didn’t want to be the bitchy one. I can’t say that on NextDoor, either. Bummer.

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  28. Nothing like neighborhood drama for entertainment. Also, too? That picture of Edsel? He looks like he’s trying to channel Lu, all dignified and regal.

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    1. Yes, Ruth , I am afraid it has gone mad.
      I thought I was going to get out of it before it all went to hell in a hand basket, but , i am afraid I have lasted too long.

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  29. I had a cat that would not stay inside. He would stop by the house once a day, knock on the door to come in and eat then leave again. I live in a condo and everyone knew Melvin was mine since he was always outside. My neighbor thought it was awful that Melvin was outside all the time and worried that he was too exposed to the elements. Another neighbor told me how concerned Jim was about Melvin and how he’d set up a ‘safe space’ for him. I went upstairs to check it out and he had a covered litter box, small bed with a rug under it and food and water bowls. All for my cat. I felt so schmucky about it but I couldn’t keep him inside. Melvin disappeared one day and that was the end of that. My current cats are 14 and have never been outside. Jim, however, has a cat that is now the Melvin of the neighborhood. He can’t keep that cat inside to save his life.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Just this weekend, I was interacting with Steely Dan inside–I can’t even remember what we were doing. Having tea, playing pinochle, whatever it was. The point is, I went to the movies, and when I pulled up to my house, there he was. Outside. This happens to me ALL THE TIME with that cat. Some cats will not be kept inside.

      Liked by 1 person

  30. My NextDoor gets a lot of political posts because people still haven’t grasped the idea that ND is NOT their personal Facebook page and they love to use terms such as “Libtard” and “Bleeding heart morons.”

    We also have the crowd who posts things such as “I just saw a teenager wearing a hoodie coming from the direction of the high school!” and everyone telling them “CALL THE POLICE! THAT’S SUSPICIOUS BEHAVIOR!” And someone else chiming in with calls for everyone to be armed.

    And then there are the people who post because their car was broken into and their iPhone X, their Macbook Pro, their diamond jewelry and their wallet filled with $2000 in cash was stolen sometime in the middle of the night. And then they get all offended when people (okay, me) tell them that maybe they shouldn’t be leaving their valuables in their car. And then the hysterical “MAYBE IF EVERYONE WAS ARMED, WE COULD STOP THESE TWEAKERS FROM RUINING OUR NEIGHBORHOODS! IT’S THOSE STUPID LIBTARDS FAULT!!!” posts start up again.

    On a positive note, there are a lot of lost animals who get reunited with their rightful owners thanks to NextDoor so there’s that.

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    1. I would like to note that Kirby’s mom is STILL PONTIFICATING over there on NextDoor, and I AM NOT KIDDING, MADDIE, Kitty Chip is linking everyone to discount microchipping places. I’m beginning to wonder if she’s owns a microchip company. If she’s like the microchip MLM distributor of the neighborhood.

      Liked by 1 person

    2. This sounds exactly like my neighborhood Facebook page. We have one for our particular neighborhood and one for the whole area, and the crazy comes out in droves on that whole area page. It is mostly about the hoody wearing hooligans that dare to walk about their own neighborhood. It’s excellent entertainment though.

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  31. Oh my, I really enjoyed this post. You are extra smart today, Every time you mention NextDoor I am curious to check it out. This story may have tipped the scales and I might go down the rabbit hole for my Friday night fun.

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  32. Now the latest “BUT MY/OUR KIDS” handwringing is over the possibility of a dispensary being opened in the vicinity of the local high school. Mommies are frothing at the mouth at the possibility of their little darlings being exposed to The Devil’s Lettuce and thus being set on the road to Reefer Madness.

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      1. “Every child has the right to discover early in life that he isn’t the center of the universe (or his family or his parents’ lives), that he isn’t a big fish in a small pond, that he isn’t the Second Coming, and that he’s not even – in the total scheme of things – very important at all, no one is, so as to prevent him from becoming an insufferable brat.” – John Rosemond.

        I’ve kept a newspaper clipping of John Rosemond’s Bill of Rights for Children in my desk drawer for 25 years. And even though my children are adults now, I still go back and refer to it every great once in a while.

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    1. This is perfect. My kids are SO OVER me calling it “the wacky weed.” Now Ima call it “the devil’s lettuce.”

      Liked by 1 person

  33. Ok, now I have to see if there is a NextDoor here in the big city. But it can’t be as good as your smaller town ND. Kirby must be quite a cat.

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  34. My new neighborhood Nextdoor is boring, but the Facebook page is entertaining. I’m still a member of my old neighborhood’s Nextdoor because it is amazing. There is an ongoing comment thread about the meth addicts who terrorize everyone that is about 500 comments long. And a guy who had a goat in his back yard which constantly got loose and would go walking around the streets of in-town Atlanta raised holy hell when someone apparently came and took his goat from him. But the most entertaining was when someone’s 14 foot long pet python escaped. A woman created a python posse to go out each night with a pillowcase and a snake hook and they were wandering through people’s yards hunting the snake. I would like to see someone get a 14 foot python to willingly go into a small pillowcase. There were snake sightings for weeks. Finally some lady went outside to grill a hamburger and there was Monty (the name he earned from a neighbor) wrapped around the leg of her grill. And there was the time a guy posted to complain that a rival gang member pulled a handgun on him and stole his AR15 while he was swinging at the kids playground.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I want to make sure I’m picturing this right. A gang member, let’s say of the Apple Dumpling Gang, took his AR15 and his daughter to the park, when suddenly a different gang member, let’s say of the Big Booty Gang, pulled a gun on the Apple Dumpling Gang Member and stole the AR15.

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  35. John B came to my mind with this non blog…

    …….. peekin out the windows and slippin around listenin in on the cell phones and spyin in the peephole and peepin in the crack of the goddamn door and listenin to the fuckin [illegible]*, you know Mr. Putin please, show some fuckin mercy – I mean c’mon drop the fuckin bomb won’t you.” – John B. McLemore

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  36. On NextDoor. Boring. lost pets, need for home repairs, an occasional piece of furniture for sale. We do have this one guy who is a jack of all trades looking for work. The very next day after his first post, his mugshot was in our paper for DUI. Also some prior drug stuff. I thought he probably was saying “Man, I hope all those people on NextDoor don’t see this!”

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  37. I will spare you the details of my latest neighbor/outdoor cat run in but the other day I let my cat stay out a bit longer during the day and moments after making that decision I got a text from a neighbor telling me her whereabouts and what direciton she was heading.

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  38. I don’t even want to know if my neighborhood has NextDoor, let alone join. No need to see on screen what I suspect might be said about my address: When is she going to remove that pile of twigs from the bush she cut down last July? Those leaves fell down in November! Is she ever going to do anything with those bricks lined up along the drive? There’s two more tires in the front yard now!

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    1. I feel ya. Someone came to my door the other day and asked to buy the huge pile of gravel on the side of my driveway. I said no, It was for my garden paths. Just because it’s been there for over a year doesn’t mean I’m not going to get to it. Any day now. Geesh.

      Liked by 1 person

  39. I would love to hear how you all are accessing your ND. Mine comes in some kind of digest and I get multiple digests per day, and it’s you really have to dig in to fin the good threads. Is there a better way to get it (besides as individual emails, which would overrun my inbox)?

    Lovely post, Joob. Who can take a nothing day and make it seem like a carnival.

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  40. My ND is generally a boring place. We do currently have a bit of excitement over a stray cat. One neighbor wants to call our city animal control officer to set a trap. The neighbor who posted about the cat is adamantly opposed as our shelter is a high kill shelter. Animal control advocate has stated neighbor doesn’t know what she’s talking about (she does it is high kill) and furthermore that the cat may be carrying rabies and she is putting all of our animals, both domestic and wild, and our kids at risk. One funny neighbor commented how excited he was to see a real cat fight amongst the neighborhood women.
    Our only other excitement is a neighbor thanking the gray haired man who walks three pugs for not picking up his dog’s poop. And, she knows it was him because her security camera caught it all. So she thanked her security company, too.
    Please submit Kirbygate 2018 to The Best of NextDoor on Twitter. I’d love to read what some of the commenters have to say about Kirby’s two moms.
    Lovely post, Joon

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    1. Best of NextDoor on Twitter? Guess who just screamed over to Twitter. And there’s one on Tumblr, too!

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      1. yetanotherkelly, be sure to read the pinned tweet titled “Seahawks Cannon”. It’s hilarious.

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  41. We live at the end of a cul de sac, so we never really see anything juicy. But my husband writes a local newsletter for the community and all the Kravitz’s report in to him, and he in turn reports to the community.

    The only crazy thing that happened around here was a “swatting” of one of the neighbors. Someone called the police on the homeowner (from an entirely different state) and said the owner was holding his wife and child at gunpoint. About 8 police cars and a couple of fire trucks came, and a dozen law enforcement people surrounded the house with weapons drawn. They closed down the street for about an hour, and it was all very scary and exciting. Meanwhile, the homeowner and his family were all out on a hike, and when the reached him by phone, they found out everyone was just fine. But you can imagine this playing out completely differently if they had been home. Anyway, they suspect that the person who made the call didn’t like a political illustration the homeowner did in a magazine. Sigh.

    On our NextDoor, there are a lot of lost cats and coyote sitings (put two and two together, people) and some sort of weird obsession with a Black Bear Diner that was coming in to the neighboring town. I can’t understand why it generated about 150 comments, but it did. Nowhere near as amusing as the Kirby kerfluffle.

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  42. Eww. Swatting is horribly dangerous. In my home state the swat team was called from out of state. Either the wrong address was given or cops went to wrong address, I don’t remember which. A totally innocent and unknowing guy answers the door and is shot dead by the cops.

    Liked by 1 person

  43. I joined NextDoor in the neighborhood where my house sits empty, (as I have yet to move in to the damn thing.) The street where my house is located, eventually drives through a metropolitan housing complex. I must say, its one of the nicer low income housing in the city. On NextDoor every now and then there might be a car break in or store robbed, but a post last week really caused quite the debate. A gentlemen complained about the quality of the ketchup at a restaurant in the neighborhood. There must be thirty comments on that thread! It was eventually decided if you dine at George’s Kitchen, you should bring your own ketchup.

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  44. We have a fairly boring NextDoor, but we currently have a thread about a found cat that may or may not be a lost cat posted on Facebook. Lost cat was chipped. Found cat was not chipped, but it was suggested that maybe the chip migrated. Found cat was scanned again. No chip. Found cat was pretty sick and was taken to the shelter because the finder could not commit to the level of medical care that found cat needed. Now there are additional posts insisting found cat IS lost cat, despite the lack of chip. None of the posters involved are the finder or loser of the cat(s). Clearly, we need more to discuss on our NextDoor.

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    1. Here in Western NY if you find a pet and take it to the SPCA to get scanned for a chip they charge YOU, the person that brought said animal in 100 bucks to scan it. What is the use of getting chipped?

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  45. Our Nextdoor is so dumb. This week someone reported that their car was broken into and the thief stole 50 cents from the glove compartment. Okay, first of all, it is not a break in when you left it unlocked. Secondly, how were you so sure of the exact amount of change you left in the glove compartment? I’m naturally suspicious so I could only suspect that she intentionally left her car unlocked with money there so she could post on Nextdoor.

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  46. I needed this today. Besides a nor’easter and a funeral it’s been a shitday ….until I read this. Who knew Edsel could look so dignified? He needs a pipe and an elbow patch cardigan.

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  47. I love this story. Also, they way you typed entertainment with the “tain” italicized made me totally hear you saying it.

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  48. My ND is pretty typical. But last summer there were three chickens that someone apparently let loose. The neighborhood at one time was where a lot of Italians lived. Someone named the chickens “Goodfeathers” and insanity ensued.

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  49. I live a half mile outside a town of 100. Binoculars is my NextDoor. Other folks use the tried and true method of gossip.

    A cop stopped a speeder outside my house the other day. The speeder had pulled over into my driveway, cop followed. For the love of God, the next day two people in town asked what the big activity was at our house with the police. It wasn’t at our house, it was at the end of the driveway!!!!

    Three weeks ago all kinds of police cars, ambulances, fire trucks and such were turning down the road 1/4 mile from my place. Next day, sure enough, several people asked about all the activity at our house night before. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, IT WAS 1/4 MILE DOWN THE ROAD FROM US, IT WAS NOT AT OUR PLACE!!!

    Now I’m a little sensitive about this cause I run a business out of my home place and we are very low key, non drama folk. But when the SUPER BIG, SUPER LOUD helicopter was hovering right over the corn fields outside my house this fall at dark, with spotlights shining straight into the fields and my house and husband and I were pissing our pants thinking a murderer was in the cornfields or hiding in one of the buildings on our property, and the helicopter landed on the road outside my house, well, crickets the next day. Nope, no one in town saw or heard anything. WHAT??! A speeder in my driveway causes a ruckus but a helicopter landing directly on the road in front of my house in the dead of night, not one person noticed.

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  50. We don’t have a NextDoor but we have a neighborhood Facebook page and it’s pretty much the same. Suspicious kid in a hoodie walking up the street with a backpack (poor kid just got off the bus), the gunshots or fireworks game (it’s usually gunshots from the police academy up the road), why is that helicopter circling the neighborhood and the same damn dog has gotten out again every month since 2015. It’s typically a pretty decent page but has its share of dingbats and know-it-all’s.

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  51. Our NextDoor should be called “Let Me Run My Kid’s Life for You.” Mama A posts saying does anybody know a babysitter available tonight for my kids 3 and 5? (You actually looking for a stranger, lady?) Then Mama B posts saying, “My Ashley is free. She gets home at 3:00. I’ll tell her. Where do you live?” Really people? Really? Mamas are daily telling other Mamas that their kids will move your furniture on Saturday, babysit your kids overnight this weekend, or mow your law. All you have to do is tell them where you live! I believe in free-range kids but some of these scare me.

    And there are coyotes.

    You’re welcome for all those Mamas I put in there.

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