For once, there was cat drama on my NextDoor that didn’t involve Steely Dan.
Do y’all have NextDoor? It’s a website just for your neighborhood, so you can know right away who’s racist. They should just go ahead and update their name to BigotNextDoor.
ALERT! SUSPICIOUS AFRICAN AMERICAN MAN ENTERING HOUSE ON 1600 BLOCK!
That’s his house. So.
Anyway, I signed up awhile back, thinking it would be convenient to know where the yard sales were, or if anyone was giving away free Irish Wolfhounds or what have you. I had no idea it’d be such a source of entertainment for me.
My favorite NextDoor in my neighborhood thus far was the one titled The Affair Continues… I could not click “See More” fast enough. There is a crater in my phone from me hitting “See More” so hard.
This BUSYBODY had been photographing a man and his car, because he had the nerve to park in front of her house, can you imagine? Who has the audacity to park on the street like that? Anyway, according to this woman, he then would regularly walk to my street and was having an affair, despite having taken wedding vows that this woman was somehow privy to. Perhaps she photographed his wedding. From a window.
When people started to accuse her of, oh, maybe not minding her own business so well, she threw out the “but my KIDS” excuse, which is really my favorite fallback. “I don’t want my KIDS knowing about this kind of behavior!”
The only reason your kids would know is because their mom is pointing her iPhone out the window like a crazy person.
Anyway, last night there was another FOUND CAT announcement, and I always click on those, because 75% of the time there’s a photo of a smug gray asshole eating canned food on someone’s porch.
“IS THIS GIANT SHINY CAT YOURS? WE FED HIM. CLEARLY THIS 20-POUND BRIGHT-EYED MUSCLED CAT NEEDS FOOD AND IS CURRENTLY STARVING.”
But in this case, it was a striped cat, a sort of mangy-looking thing who’d be having more luck in the wild if Steely Dan weren’t cockblocking all the mice, which I’m certain he is.
WE FOUND THIS CAT! IS HE YOURS?!!
No woman can write anything on NextDoor without being shrill.
WERE THOSE GUNSHOTS?!!!?
It’s…the 4th of July.
Anyway, on Wednesday a woman found Mangy cat, and then all in that same day, she took him to the vet; took him to the PetSmart, there; got him special food and meds; declared her kids to be “in love” with this cat; and did a whole, “Internet, meet Kirby!” announcement.
On Thursday, another neighbor said, “That’s my cat.”
THAT’S YOUR CAT? HOW CAN THIS BE YOUR CAT?!? HE’S SICK! HE HAS DIABETES! I TOOK HIM TO THE VET AND NOW I KNOW HE HAS DIABETES HOW CAN YOU SAY THIS IS YOUR CAT HE’S MINE HE’S MY KIRBY BUT MY KIDS!!!!
And see. At first I was on the “found a peanut” woman’s side. She finds this sick cat, and then some negligent cat parent strolls in all wanting her cat back, or even worse, lying to get a free cat. Like this whole neighborhood isn’t sick with healthy cats lounging around for the taking.
If he’s your cat, why isn’t there a note on NextDoor? Why aren’t there signs up on poles? Why didn’t you chip him? Why did you let him out? Why are you that height? Why? BUT MY KIDS.
Here’s what’s starting to annoy me about the world. When did we get so weird about our animals? When did we get so smug, and decide we were the only people who knew best, and you’re only a good person if you do ALL THE THINGS on a GIANT LIST of things one must do to be a good pet owner?
When did we all become the woman taking a picture of the affair guy? But with cats?
Anyway, as I watched this unfold last night (oh, trust me. I had to will myself to go to bed), it was evident that the woman who really owned the cat had
- already TAKEN her cat to the vet where
- it was given a gluten-free diet (which, pfft) that it had to be on for a week before it
- could start its diabetes meds, and
- IT WAS A WANDERER, which I know nothing about, and
- the last time it wandered off, this woman HAD put something up on NextDoor and no one answered and the cat came home on its own.
This was not good enough for Kirby’s new mom. She insisted the woman who owns the cat PROVE it was hers. Because everyone wants a sick old cat. And she wanted to be paid for all the trouble she went to, and included a photo of the vet bill.
“This is insane,” said the actual owner of the cat. “This is extortion. Give me my cat back.”
I love NextDoor.
Anyway, eventually “Kirby’s mom” gave the cat back, and threw–THREW!!–the medication she had taken it upon herself to purchase in the doorway of the actual owner of the cat, then left a scathing wrap-up comment about it to the rest of us, which I noticed she’d been thanked for.
Who thanked this nutbar? I wondered, so I clicked.
She’d thanked herself.
So. That sums her up, right there.
Meanwhile, another woman who has always driven me berserk, who I’ll call Kitty Chip, chimed in every so often, during this whole diatribe.
“Please, everyone, chip your kitties.”
“Make sure your kitties always have a chip.”
“All kitties should be chipped.”
OH MY GOD GET A HOBBY. Says the woman who just blogged at you about her NextDoor.
And also, stop referring to cats as kitties.
I really wanted to pull a Hulk and say, “You all know this is going on The Best of NextDoor, right?” but I did not. I stayed out of it. Other than to write a thousand words about it here.