I had Ultherapy. Volume I.

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I am 52 and single (see above). The longer I am single, the less that bothers me.

Sort of.

The single part? Okay, fine. Although my nightly pet orgy is cause for concern. But the 52 and LOOKING 52 part? Okay, that rankled.

Fortunately, I’ve had a blog (WEBSITE!! IT’S A WEBSI–oh, who are we kidding) since 2006, so I have 4954950305 photos of self, which enables me to watch aging as it creeps angrily across face.

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2006. Totally cut you out, there, ex. Sorry. -ish.
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2009. It’s a blur. BAH.
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2013. Guess I could remove this ex, too, but am pressed for time.

Perhaps I should be embracing life and being delighted to be alive and not concern myself with the ravages of time, but perhaps there is no way I’m gonna do that. The only people who say that are people who were never cute in the first place. And look. I was never any beauty queen. But sometimes I was okay with my looks. Now I never, ever am.

I once read that if, once all your makeup is on and you’ve DONE YOUR BEST, you STILL feel unhappy with your looks, then it’s time for medical intervention. Gandhi said that. I’ve kept it in mind, and I’ve reached that point.

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2008. You guys were right. ALL my pictures back then sucked.
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2010

Anyway, no matter how much makeup I put on nowadays, no matter what tricks I pulled off, when I was done I didn’t look refreshed. I looked rehashed.

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This week

Okay, that photo was after an exhausting day. Doesn’t count.

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Grandma’s here.

Okay, here. I believe this was Christmas 2017. Makeup completely applied, and? Eh.

So my friend who gets everything done told me about Ultherapy. It’s this little machine they pass over your face (877 times, in my case) (seriously) that allegedly destroys and then grows your collagen, so that a few months after having it, you look exactly as you did at birth. Yes, I DID attempt to get them to pay for this procedure, knowing that at least 14 people read me. No, that did NOT impress them.

But the good news is now I can tell you all about it honestly.

So, first, my friend told me about how she’d had it done, and was waiting for the full results to kick in, but that she thought she already saw a difference. Interest. Piqued.

Then I read read read about it, and if you go on their website, the fine folks at Ultherapy will send you a simulation of what you’ll look like after, a simulation photo I had but could not find, and why, god. I’m a good person. Look at all the lovely sentiments in this here post.

Anyway, I saw three Ultherapy providers here in my area, and found one I trusted, and who would take a payment plan because of course I can’t afford this, and yes, it costs. It depends how much you have done, but it’s gonna cost at least $2,000.

Yesterday, I went for my procedure.

I didn’t have to do anything to prepare except avoid Retinol for a week and take 9 million milligrams of Motrin. I never take anything but migraine meds, but I happened to own Motrin because of broken toe, Motrin that I never took. I took a little less than she told me to, because I was worried it’d make me sick.

That may have been an error.

I wasn’t even nervous, which is also a mistake, because I find if I worry and obsess about something, it’s usually okay, and if I’m Chester Cheeto about it, whatever I didn’t worry about tends to be hell.

I hobbled in right at 2:00, and she took photos of me, and then we discussed which areas we were going to cover. What bugs me most about self is I have no jawline anymore.

img_3045.jpgHey, June, would you like a jawbreaker? Oh, I…are you even allowed to eat those?

So we were for sure doing that area, and I could have gone down onto my neck and décolletage, but instead I opted to do my cheeks. Just a little pinch between my cheek and gum.

We also did my forehead. I wasn’t expecting to do that, but I did not complain. Well. I DID complain, but we’re getting to that.

Because what I read, in the 2939402032 sites I perused, is there is “some discomfort” and that it “varies from person to person.” Well, I get Botox shot into m’forehead three times a year, and Juvederm as well. And I take it like a man. I say nothing and have a heart attack later.

But this?

She’d revved up her machine, and I was still completely not nervous. I was lying in a reclining chair, like at the dentist, and she’d given me a blanket. Then she said, “Ready? Three, two, one…”

MOTHER OF GOD!

MADRE DE DIOS!

HOLY CATS!

The best way I can describe it is hot needles that had jalapeño on their tips. And that thing was jalapeño business, man. I mean, it has to go deep to RIP OUT all your collagen or whatever, and one thing that was good was the woman administering it, who was great, would count down for me. “Okay, in this area we need to do 60 passes.” And then she’d be all, “We’re at 37.”

Like I didn’t know that. Like I wasn’t counting every terrible pass over my skin. Still, it was nice she did that. And she would move to another area for awhile if I got too tense.

I was in agony knowing that with each part of my face, we’d have to come back and go over it again, and possibly even one more time after that. But the second pass?

Didn’t hurt nearly as much.

And I mean, look. It hurt. But I didn’t cry. I didn’t scream for her to stop. I just lay there covered in SWEAT, is all. But I got through it.

She told me it’d take two hours, and it took precisely that. When I got up, I’d left a Shroud of Turin on the chair. The backs of my jeans were damp.

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Me, right after. I was thirsty. Hmmm, why? Because I’d sweated like Meat Loaf in concert?
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Me, today. My grandmother back there is younger there than I am now. HER skin was good. You think she got Ultherapy on the sly? “Oh, I’m headed out for more elastic-waist beige slacks.”

Anyway, last night I was a little swollen but nothing terrible. My cheeks are numb, which they said to expect. I should start seeing results (more of a jawline, more lift in cheeks, lifted brows) in 90 days, and of course I will keep you apprised of my every nuance re this investment in my future.

“She was the best-looking bag lady I ever saw. So smooth!”

Further reports as developments warrant.

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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

44 thoughts on “I had Ultherapy. Volume I.”

  1. I have aged so much in my 50s that not even the thought of jalapeno needles would stop me. However, $2000 does so Ima sit here sagging.

    Also if sweat helped anything, I’d be ALL THAT, what with my 10 years of hot flashes and night sweats.

    Can’t wait to see you uplifted!

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  2. Good for you. Not that you need my support or approval but I would do many similar things if I could find the money tree. Or Golden Goose.
    One time I thought, “oh, I’ll age gracefully”….hahaha…wait…hahahaha. Oh hella no. Kicking, screaming so far. I’ve had lasik which I completely adore and am using products for my thinning hair. My deck is looking more crepe hanging as the days go by.

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  3. Get ready for the itching. And how come you have no bruises?? I looked like I’d been beaten half to death.

    It does work though.

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  4. Good for you! You bust your butt day in and day out, you should spend on what will make you feel good.

    the ‘sweating like Meatloaf in concert’ was your doozy for the day.

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  5. Oh Our Dear June, you are pretty already but I am excited to see your results! I love love your latest banner up there, very chinoiserie- ish. I saw a presentation on HSN last week about some contraption called Glow- Pro that you roll over your face that kind of does the same thing. It makes little pricks in your face and is supposed to make your collagen re grow and plump.

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  6. I can’t wait to see the final results…is it just me, or is already obvious on your forehead?

    I cannot with the pain, though, so I’ll continue aging as gracelessly as I can. I can’t even be bothered with covering up grays at this point.

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  7. OK, I’m keeping a watchful eye on this. My jaw, chin & underneath have all melded into one. That I hate!!! I expected that to be the cost, and there’s an excellent dermatologist in my neighborhood that’s on their list. It’s my birthday in a few weeks, so that might be my gift to self.

    Anybody had the Cool Sculpting done? It’s supposed to actually get rid of the fat cells themselves.

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    1. I had coolsculpting done to my chin. I had good results but I do have a bit of loose skin still. So I am looking into a neck lift. My consult is in August.

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    2. Carol, I think Kris did the Cool Sculpting a few months back, posted about on Book of June fb page. I hope she’ll pop on here to say how it has worked out long-term; she said to still expect results for 2 months.

      June, you have always been and still are so pretty. You have to bone structure to really rock aging. But if it makes you feel good, more power to you.

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  8. You are so cute with no help! Love yourself as is… But it is cool that you can do this stuff! woo hoo

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  9. Just wanted to say I think you are too harsh about your looks. I see a beautiful woman in your photos (the non-blurry ones). No, you don’t look like you’re 20, but you are pretty. I also know you have to do what makes you feel your best.

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  10. I am so excited to see your results! Was there a reason they didn’t use a numbing cream? It takes the edge off but doesn’t totally take the pain away.

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    1. I alluded to this on FB, but at the risk of being repetitive June, they don’t do anything to your *skin*, so numbing cream wouldn’t make a difference. They did use some sort of cooling gel, but that was to make the ultrasound machine work.

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  11. The new header is beautiful. Oh my, first clue pain is going to be involved, the 900mg of Motrin. Chester Cheeto. Plunk.

    You really are pretty, but we all are awaiting the results of the painful procedure. I hope it is going to be wonderful for you. And the pain subsides quickly.

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  12. In some of your more recent pictures I had thought you were looking more rested and more at ease with life.
    You looked younger . I figured losing the 180 lbs of ouch was good for your mindset.
    Now is the time if anyone is shopping Amazon to link through June’s blog to help thank her for always being here and sharing. The pretty blue sea glass box at the bottom is the link. Have fun shopping everyone.

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  13. June, you are so brave! I don’t think I could do this if it was free.. Anxious to see your results.

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  14. I can’t wait to hear about your results!! So excited that you did this for yourself. I’m looking into a neck lift for all the loose skin I have. Bleh

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  15. You look great right after, I was expecting a beat red composure….. I have had some laser hair removal on my face and I am always red, red, red!

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  16. You love mahvelous and will look even more mahvelous with your Ultawhatever. I am just going to have to sit my wrinkly self over here and be jealous.

    Whoopie Goldberg used to do a bit about old people and she said “he was so wrinkled I wanted to pick him up and iron him.” Well lady there ain’t an iron hot enough or steamy enough to get my wrinkles out. Laugh lines my ass.

    Lovely post Coot.

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  17. Sigh. I hate to be the one to say this….Ultherapy doesn’t really work. I know because a) my derm told me this week while I was getting microneedled (which DOES work and is way cheaper) – he said, “Don’t waste your money, less than 30% see results”, b) I had a friend who did it and had zero change, and c) years ago i got Thermage ($3000, but I got it for free from my doc who liked me), which is the precursor to Ultherapy, and it hurt like a bitch and didn’t do a damn thing. Of course, natural beauty doesn’t come cheap or pain-free!

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  18. It takes away your collagen? I thought it was lack of collagen that gives us all the wrinkles and such. I’m smearing some anti-aging cream that is supposed to restore collagen all over my face, twice a day. Now I’m confused. But, hey, I too want my jawline back – eager to see if this works….

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  19. No pain, no gain. I’m hoping your procedure is successful. I’ve not had any procedures like that. I am preparing for a consult with a specialist to get my vision surgically corrected as contacts aren’t cutting it any longer.

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  20. You know who that nice, caring Ultherapy technician reminds me of? My OB/GYN. Keeps me updated second to second with what’s going on during the annual even though in my head I’m singing Whole Lotta Rosie on a loop until all is done. Let me tell ya, these awesome OB/GYN docs of today are nothing like the shithole old men OB/GYNs from the 80s and before.

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  21. My solution for my pitiful self is to stay out of the public eye. Then I break all of the mirrors in the house. It’s like living as a vampire, but without the hot women. No selfies for me!

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    1. So many blogs bit the dust the last few years. Glad Joob continues on with her website!! WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!

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  22. My sister had a nose job, a neck lift and something else done when she turned 60. I say if you can afford it, do whatever you want if it makes you feel more comfortable with yourself. Just don’t turn into a Michael Jackson type person. Hope you are happy with the results.

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  23. OK, good — I finally had a post that made it through. I haven’t had a single comment I’ve posted appear in the last two or three weeks.

    I respect a woman who judiciously tries to fight the ravages of time, and roll my eyes when people say stuff like, “It’s the inner beauty that matters.”

    A woman in her fifties who still looks good — a rarity — usually pulls it off through a combination of good genes and lots of effort (typically lifelong excellent diet and exercise habits). The oldest girlfriend I ever had (she was 52) looked better naked than any of the girlfriends I had in my 20s and 30s. Not surprisingly, she had practiced yoga and had maintained a strict diet all her life, since her early-20s.

    On the other hand, all this botoxy and lasery stuff seems like a cheat, but without the kind of lasting results that an experienced and skilled plastic surgeon can deliver with a more expensive cheat. If it’s a cheat that works, fine. But at what price (emotional and monetary) if the results are so ephemeral?

    Until I got to my mid-50s, I looked ten years younger than I actually was. I’d never had anyone guess my age, not even within five years. My dad looked ridiculously young until he was in his late-70s. I got some of those genes, i suppose. I also exercised and ate right — my entire life.

    Then, as i approached my mid-50s, the last vestiges of youthfulness in my looks began to go, and the descent has steepened. I’ve looked around, and it seems that this is the tipping point — the mid-50s — even for those of us who had been able to maintain some youthfulness in our looks throughout our middle age. And that ex-girlfriend of mine? She’s in her late-50s now, still eating right and exercising religiously, but her looks and her body have withered badly. And she seems defeated by it. Sad and defeated. You can’t stop the aging process. It will get you.

    I guess the point I’m making is that you are expending a lot effort and money to forestall the inevitable. In three or four years, the game will pretty much be over. You will will learn, I hope — as I have — to resign yourself to it, and accept it. You will realize how precious good health is, and how much less important good looks are. And then you might experience, as many of us have, a sense of relief. And a happiness, just to be alive.

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    1. The reason your comments don’t get through is because you keep putting in fake email addresses and fake websites and stuff like that, Vela. You don’t have to put any email address at all.

      >

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      1. Oh, I see. I thought you had to feed an email address into the field to get the comment to post. Thanks for the info.

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  24. You are brave, June!!! I had laser hair removal on my face and they said, ” It will feel like a rubber band snapping.” Shit, no! It hurt like hell! I swelled up like a chipmunk for two days. Ugghh. I admire your bravery!

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  25. That sounds so painful, too bad they can’t knock you out and do it while you’re asleep.

    I got laser hair removal on my hoo-ha several years ago, and I screamed obscenities at the top of my lungs the first time it zapped me (there were people in the waiting room that probably ran out the front door).

    The technician turned the machine down and suggested I have an alcoholic beverage or two before my next session (which I did and it helped).

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