...friend/Ned · My pets

It’s Pi day! This blog no longer has “pie” in its title! So now I’m just berserk!

“Beep!”

“Beep!”

12:50 a.m. it was, and some DAMN beep from some DAMN alarm was going off last night. It’d almost be better to die of the carbon monoxide or the intruder than keep getting awakened with these damn beeps. They always have to be “damn” beeps.

I threw the covers off and got up to investigate. This is one of those rare times I wish I lived with a man. “Go see what that is,” I could command, then roll over, because I am charming and why so alone, you think?

Anyway, I got up and figured it out, and then noticed a shadowy figure in my bathroom.

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i shadoweee

It was Edsel. Pressed against the tub. The beeps had frightened him, and nothing protects you from horrifying beeps better than the side of the tub.

“Oh, Eds,” I said, and ran in there to hug his shivering self. Usually he sleeps with me, but I wasn’t in the MOOD for Edsel last night. I know. I was getting a migraine. Sue me. What did the poor thing do, with two dog beds, a couch, a spare actual human bed and two cat-clawed chairs to lounge on while I slept?

I think when I lock him out, he mostly just sleeps on the hallway rug half an inch from my door.

Speaking of Edsel, the other night it was snowing and sleeting and I still didn’t have an ATM card, so I was pretty much confined to the home like I was wearing an ankle monitor. Instead of perusing hard-core XXX and big-game-hunting videos as per usual, I checked out dog personality tests.

What’s sad is you know that is absolutely true, that I looked at dog personality tests over something more sinister. When did I get so boring? Say, June, try “birth.”

The test measures five parts: empathy, cunning, communication, memory and reasoning. We did the first three, and will commence to finishing maybe tonight. I was very busy going to see Blazing Saddles with Wedding Alex and her spouse and Ned last night.

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[Men and ex-men not pictured] “That is one clean breakup,” observed Wedding Alex, who incidentally can suck it.
For each assessment (we’re back to dogs now. Keep up), they show you a video and then give you a few tests, you tell them the results and they send back an assessment right away.

For example, I had to yawn several times in front of Edsel, then stare at him for 90 seconds to see if he’d yawn, too.

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Turns out, Eds had the empathy. Further down on this result, they suggest perhaps I have a dog who gazes at me soulfully from time to time, and that this means he is “hugging” me “with his eyes.”

That dog does nothing BUT gaze at me. He has an iron grip of death on me, with his eyes. He Yokos me with his eyes. If eyes were arms, Eds would be an octo…pussy.

Then we tested his ability to communicate with me.

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Basically, he’s a crappy communicator. The thing is, he knows a lot of words. I don’t think he struggles to read my cues, I think he just gets distracted by whatever’s exciting. He’s a lot like his mother.

Then we tested if my dog is trustworthy, or if he texts other dog moms after I’ve gone to bed.

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I had to lie treats in front of Eds, tell him to LEAVE IT, then either stare at him or turn my back or cover my eyes, depending on the test, to see if he’d eat the treat in the next 90 seconds. The only time he did was when I was staring right at him (after an agonizing 47 seconds of dog eye contact). According to Dognition, this meant he’s pretty trustworthy. And you know he is? If I leave food lying out, he rarely bothers it. Tallulah would have digested and passed the food before I walked back in. So.

So that was sort of riveting, and Eds got so many treats that he’s now Violet from Willy Wonka, so it was a win all the way around.

Further reports as developments warrant.

I leave you with nothing but my best wishes and the lingering scent of my perfume, but before I go, I wanted to mention I had to renew my damn WordPress subscription today. “But June, IIIIII get WordPress for free!” Perhaps you do. But in order to add riveting video like Edsel yawning and so forth, I have to be a premium member. So I just paid a hundy for the year.

“June, please never say hundy again.”

Anyway, of course you don’t HAVE to, and maybe you need every dollar, but I’ve added a little donation button in case you want to throw 11 dollars my way to say thanks for 11 years of this boring-ass blog, June (or, if you want to throw 22 or 33 dollars my way, you just change the “1” down there to “2” or “3” or “900.”) (I aim high). I made it 11 instead of 10 because PayPal does take a cut, man. A big annoying cut.

Tips.

$10.00

I’m so glad I switched to WordPress. It’s so much nicer over here, and I have, like, concierge service, since a very tolerant person who works there happens to read me, and all I do is just email her and she hates her life but then patiently helps me. We should all write her boss or something, get her promoted.

And speaking of WordPress, remember you do NOT have to add an email or even a name to comment. I know it says to add those things, but rebel, over there, rebellious one. Towanda.

This opens me up to all sorts of snotty anonymous comments, but all I have to do is block your snotty ass. The other day someone was a tad spicy, and I searched his or her IP address, and there were ALL SORTS of reports on this IP, including, “This person should be arrested.”

Guess who’s block-assed? That is totally a phrase.

Okay, Ima go. I have to go to work and copy edit things, and rush home and give my dog a personality test.

Say, June, try “birth.”

Dully,

Juan

28 thoughts on “It’s Pi day! This blog no longer has “pie” in its title! So now I’m just berserk!

  1. June,

    I have been reading your “blog” for approximately 10 years. I save them. I go back to the “Marvin” days and read them. When I cant sleep, I read them. I feel like I have had a friend for these years. Thank you for being real. I so enjoy a “real” person.
    I was very sad when a few years ago you stopped for a minute.
    I’m just letting you know that even though I do not comment often, I am a “faithful” reader.
    Thank you again for years of entertainment and laughs.

    B Weidemann
    ladybugdub@sbcglobal.net

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  2. The only problem I have with butterscotch, Poet, is that it isn’t chocolate. But Mom dearly loved a Dairy Queen butterscotch sundae–probably still does. When do the Dairy Queens open for the season?

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    1. I remember the Dairy Queen butterscotch dilly bars when they actually tasted like real butterscotch and weren’t the size of yo-yos.

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  3. My daughter and I made a chocolate pi and a banana cream pi today. No butterscotch or salted caramel need apply.

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  4. Glad to see you’ve laid off the butterscotch insult. The only problem I have with butterscotch is that it has meekly allowed caramel to take over all the places where butterscotch would be good. (It is the Edsel of sundae toppings.) And now caramel is all “salted caramel,” which is too la di da and really should blow over soon.

    Dessert hound, over and out.

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  5. The way his little blonde eyelashes flutter when he’s getting ready to yawn is so sweet. He IS a handsome boy.

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  6. That yawn of Edsel’s gave me all the feels. I just want to hug his neck so badly.

    This gave me my daily guffaw:
    [Men and ex-men not pictured] “That is one clean breakup,” observed Wedding Alex, who incidentally can suck it.

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  7. I am so glad our smoke detectors are wired into our security system and don’t require batteries. I’m guessing that was the problem, those beep, beep, beeps, asking for new batteries. I used to have to change the batteries at my mom’s, but she never heard the beeps, but they would drive me crazy and that was during daylight hours and me awake.

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  8. Why, why, WHY do those goddamn beeps ONLY come in the middle of the night when you are guaranteed to just rip that stupid detector down and beat it to death with a stiletto just to shut it up and you don’t care if you live or die as long as you can get some sleep.

    I’ve never once heard my CO or smoke detectors BEEP in the middle of the day or even in the 7:00PM hour. Nope, it’s always around 2:47AM. Bastards.

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  9. Poor scared, shivery Edsel. That vision made me feel so bad for him. I will be glad to hit up your tip jar, but the amount will be miniscule. I’m sorry.

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  10. Very interesting.
    Do they have a test like that for man friends? I am sure they do. It wouldn’t be weird at all to give a prospective suitor a test . Save a lot of time and heartache.
    You need the Edsel of boyfriends. No, you really don’t , do you. That would aggravate you.
    Good thing people can talk , to explain themselves. Poor dogs don’t have that avenue.Although, I have had a dog that really tried to talk.

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  11. What was the cause of the beeps?? Inquiring minds want to know!

    I once beat a smoke detector off the wall with a hammer because I couldn’t get the blasted thing to stop beeping in the middle of the night. I don’t do well with repetitive noises.

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  12. I happily hit up your tip jar. In part, because I deeply love Edsel and that picture up there is delightful. I’d like him to eye hug me for a few minutes. And in part, because I may have impugned your sanity on Instagram, in an effort to crack my own self up. Which I did, And I’m not very sorry, but feel I should atone nonetheless.

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  13. I tried giving Patches (my dog) a test to see how intelligent she is. She took one look at the set up, and went on the couch for a nap. I gave her the treats, even though she didn’t participate. I rated her as highly intelligent.
    Happy pi day!!

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  14. Well. Now I am DYING to give my dog the personality test. Do you think she’ll stay awake long enough? It may be a several-day event for her. I’m putting it on my calendar for this weekend: “Test Dog’s Personality.” I imagine my family will then add to the calendar for Monday: “Have Mom Committed. Finally.”

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