Money · My pets

Soaring highs, devastating lows

Yesterday was a day of intense highs and lows.

Okay, yesterday I had a high and a low. But everything with me is intense.

I’ve already done my stupid taxes with TurboTax, and I owe every year because freelance. What I parTICularly love is paying taxes and having to pay TurboTax on top of that. And then every five screens they’re all, “Here’s a way you can pay us MORE money!” Yeah, thanks. Cause we’re all not stressed to the gills already, fucksticks. Lemme get out additional bones to toss your way.

The point is, despite buying a new computer this year and painting this room (both deductible), I STILL owed like $1,700.

Last night I got home from work to STILL NO ATM PIN (see yesterday’s riveting account of that), but I did get a letter that said, “Tax information inside.”

Now what,” I wearied.

Turns out, I got a corrected Form 1098, and I know you’re all nodding your accountant-ish heads. Ohhhh, yes. A 1098.

It’s a form that says how much you paid in mortgage taxes. And as usual, one mortgage company bought another, a thing that’s happened to me at least 4 times since I bought my house 10 years ago. Dear money-hungry people who buy other companies and inconvenience the rest of us: Eat dung.

So I don’t even think I took off my coat last night. I got right on TurboTax and clicked the “amend my form,” added the new info, and now I get a refund.

Someone at some point sat down and wrote that little song. Like, they thought it up and wrote it. And every kid’s sick day from then on would have that song in it.

So that was exciting, to go from owing to getting, and I made myself some celebratory popcorn for dinner as a result and

CRACK.

Broke a tooth.

I’ve never played those two back to back before, and just now noticed the losing theme is the winning theme, just slowed down. With a little “you’re a loser” downward slide to it.

So now today I probably have to have emergency dental work, and why, God. I’m a good per–okay, …yeah, okay. …I see why, God. You can stop now.

The other thing is, I called SunTurst, and I am leaving it “Turst” cause that kills me, and said, “YOU’RE KILLING ME OVER HERE” and the nice man I was speaking to in Jamaica (I asked where he was. Then I pictured, like, Taye Diggs talking to me) said, “May I ask, why did you need a replacement card, mon?”

“I was delivering blankets to the children’s hospital and there was a whiskey sour outbreak and I lost it,” I explained.

Turns out, when you just lose your card and it doesn’t get stolen? Your PIN stays the same.

THIS WHOLE TIME.

I COULDA BEEN USING MY CARD THIS WHOLE TIME.

Bonus-round high, though: Ned bought my Retin-A at the pharmacy the other night because I had no PIN.

It’s a roller coaster, over here.

That’s all I have to say on that topic, and I like how I act like I just covered one topic so far, like I just told you all you could ever need to now about sunflowers, and now I’ll go on to lint.

June starts a new topic. June has one subhead. Just like her topics.

Did anyone ever do something really rotten to you, and you were so taken aback that you did nothing at the time, and you’ve been telling that person off IN YOUR MIND ever since?

Many years ago, I invited several people to my home for a dinner, and one of the guests called me ahead of time. “Frankly, I didn’t want to come to this. But if I do come, I need you to do this and this and this.” She detailed things like, “Hide the cats.”

I was so shocked. Never in my life had I invited someone over and had them be so…not gracious. And all these years later, what I WISH I had said was, “I will spare you the agony of having to come to my home, now or ever.”

Instead, I hid the cats.

Have you ever had that? If so, what do you wish you’d have said? Because even now, I’m appalled that I let someone treat me that way.

I’ll talk at you later. I gotta shower and get attractive for the dentist. This is totally gonna ruin all my hot St. Patrick’s Day binge-drinking green-beer plans I had brewing. [Disclaimer: Have precisely zero plans for St. Patrick’s Day.]

Oh! Wait! I forgot!

Screen Shot 2018-03-16 at 8.35.12 AM.png

We finished our assessment, and Eds is a Protodog.

Oh, well. Thank heavens, June.

Screen Shot 2018-03-16 at 8.36.13 AM.png

Okay, once again they’re saying, “Y’dog’s a dunce, Joob,” but you know, since he’s likely a Carolina Dog? And they are the last of the wild dogs? It makes sense he’s kind of…a pioneer. He’s the Pa Ingalls of dogs.

Screen Shot 2018-03-16 at 8.37.56 AM.png

Here’s his little chart, listing his SAT scores. Community college, here we come. Good lord, the dog is me. Except he’s nice.

So there you go. I wish I could have also given Talu this test. I’d love to compare and contrast. Lottie probably wrote the test and did the HTML stuff for the website.

Okay, talk at you. I know you didn’t really want to come here and I need to hide the cats, so.

Luff,
Jude

41 thoughts on “Soaring highs, devastating lows

  1. Have you noticed any changes since your ultherapy? I had microneedling 3 weeks ago…wondering if they are similar.

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  2. Hellooooo!

    Man, I know better than to get behind around here. Work has been overwhelming and I didn’t check in for about a week, maybe a little more. But, you know, I have to read every detail, so it took me until TODAY to get caught up! I am glad to be back on track.

    Lovely, lovely posts, June! I enjoy you sooooo much!

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  3. My life is full of those moments when someone did or said something despicable and I was so taken aback I was unable to respond appropriately. Once a smug religious person of the type that give religion a bad name was at our apartment for dinner (I think he was an employee or fellow-employee of husband) and he threw our young dog across the room for some infraction or other. It’s been 40 years and my husband, his best friend, and I still shake our heads as to why we did not pick the guest up and throw him across the room and out the door. (our dog was not hurt, btw).

    Another was the time my mil, upset that husband and I, who had briefly returned to MI to live, were returning to our then-home in Austin instead of staying nearby in MI, waited until we were at a restaurant (mil, fil, husband and I) to launch into a tirade about how she was blaming it all on me and proceeded to unload about every single thing about me that was stuck in her craw. To add insult to injury, husband and father-in-law just sat there while she went at me. Worst of all, I did not WANT to go back to TX, and one of the reasons husband wanted to go back was to get away from – you guessed it – his mother, who was going through a bizarrely overbearing (even for her) stage of ridiculousness and interference in his life. And I was too loyal to tell her the truth of the whole situation. Our relationship was never the same. It also caused problems between my husband and me, and I lost respect for all of them that I never regained. And for myself. She did not live long after that – maybe 2 years – and ironically, I was the one who sat up with her all night on her last night on earth. We had made a sort of peace with one another as there was not another option.

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  4. I love June! I love Miss Manners, and she would totally rubber stamp your right to say I will spare you the agony of dining with me! Go June!

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  5. I work with a lot of military retirees. For the most part, they are at least pleasant. Everyone consider me full of piss and vinegar so they were pretty shocked when one of those retirees proceeded to curse me out and tell me that I was part of that whole #metoo movement and the reason that he would never live in the United States again. He lives in the Philippines. I was so shocked that I didn’t know what to do. I was being very nice to him and I have no idea why he thought that it would be okay to yell every curse word in the world at me in one sentence. Looking back, I wish that I had jumped back in his shit. Instead I got him blacklisted from flying space available. Which, ha! Now he’s stuck here unless he buys a super expensive plane ticket home. Fucker.

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  6. At the moment, I can’t think of any particular person or situation I wish I would have confronted but I imagine there is a person or two in my history who would love to confront me. I am prepared for that. I really want to blame it on me being a complete absolute dumbass but that’s making an excuse. Instead I will hear what they say and genuinely apologize for whatever I said or did. Part of aging for me has included a rather large humility pill. Better late than never I guess, but still, obviously in hindsight I would have chosen not to use unkind behavior. Sigh.

    You’re so pretty, Joob, cracked tooth and all!

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  7. Oh boy, tax season. Every year, we always got a refund, even if it was $5.00. Last year we had to pay $60K. Yes, Sixty THOUSAND dollars. American dollars. The pitfalls of being a Sole Proprietor company. And to add salt to the wound, our tax lady kept filing extensions because SHE hadn’t gotten around to doing our taxes so we also had to pay a hefty late penalty on top of things. I told her that if she is unable to file our taxes on time this year, to let me know so I can find someone new.

    At least we incorporated so our personal income isn’t based on our company income but I’m sure we’ll still have to pay $$$$.

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  8. I have a story. This didn’t happen to me but to a family member and was about another family member. I don’t know if the one family member reads this here NotBlog so I will have to be careful.

    Family Member #1 (we’ll call them Barbara) came to stay with Family Member #2 (we’ll call them Teresa) for about a week or so. During her stay, Barbara informs Teresa that she has invited a friend (Phyllis) over for dinner and had told Phyllis that Teresa would be absolutely THRILLED to cook a special gourmet dinner in Phyllis’ honor. Teresa said she did not have time to cook a special gourmet dinner for someone she’s never met and didn’t invite to her home but Barbara brushes that all aside and just steamrolls ahead. Teresa gets home from a long day at her high stress job and Barbara says that Phyllis will be arriving any minute and there’s everything she (Teresa) needs to start cooking that fancy dinner.

    Phyllis arrives and she and Barbara proceed to drink a couple of bottles of red wine and act as if Teresa is their personal minion. Yes, Teresa did end up cooking that dinner for them but all these years later, Teresa is still angry with herself for not putting her foot down and saying NO. To this day, Barbara still expects people to hop and fetch for her and gets as pouty and pissy as a preschooler when people Just Say No.

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  9. Great news that you get a refund. I hate you have dental drama. I keep chipping crowns and it is costing way too much to get them polished. Now it is to the point, I’m going to have to replace two crowns. And we had to pay more taxes this year. I have always regretted that I never confronted my sister-in-law, fmr., about hitting on my husband. I didn’t want to cause any problems for my brother. Last, but not least, I HATE Suntrust! The branch manager told us to use our debit cards as credit cards. Well, some merchants’ software won’t allow you to use your debt as a credit card. They claim it is the bank and not them. I believe the merchants.

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  10. Hey Jude,
    Don’t make it bad. Take a sad song, and make it better.

    I belong to a fb group where they have hashtags for everything. The one for complaining about MIL’s is called fuckyousharon. I have no idea what the genesis of that was (other than Sharon was one bitchy MIL), but I laugh every time I see it.

    My old roommate destroyed a relationship I had, and I never confronted her about it face-to-face. I have regretted that for years.

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  11. I owe taxes this year due to previous crooked tax man. I have 30 days to find money I don’t have. I am considering paying it late. Late like 30 to 60 days late. I know that I will incur a penalty and late fees but I don’t have any other options.

    I hope the trip to the dentist goes well. When I cracked my tooth they found out my root canal field and wanted to do another root canal. Due to my current financial situation, see note above, I had the tooth pulled.

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    1. dancer, I’ve been there with owing taxes and not being able to pay all at once. I set up an installment agreement at the IRS website — you have to fill out an application but it’s short and you find out soon enough if you’re approved (they ask you to list an amount you think you can pay every month). And I did have late fees every month so I paid it off as quickly as possible so they wouldn’t keep increasing. Not the ideal option but if you don’t have all the money right now, what else can you do?

      Best of luck!

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  12. BEVERLY! My MIL was also the person I wish I had told off at least 1 billion zillion times. She was so hateful. I still yell at her in my head and she’s been dead for four years. But I am grateful to her for showing me how not to treat my married kids and their spouses.

    A recent ridiculous episode happened while helping plan my son’s wedding. One of the bride’s friends was bringing a guest and she (a complete stranger) felt it was appropriate to turn over the RSVP card and include a complete list of all her allergies and food sensitivities so a substitute meal could be provided. My DIL called her friend and told him to find another date. I think this new crop of women is smarter than I was!

    June your refund is great news! I’ve heard that corrected 1098 thing was a result of some last minute tax law change, so we should probably all expect one of those if we have a mortgage.

    Happy Friday!

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  13. My ex-mother-in-law was a horrible woman and I could tell you at least 100 stories of things she said to me when I just bit my tongue and didn’t say what I wanted to say. However, during one of my conversations with her, I finally had had enough. She asked me to meet her for lunch one day a couple of months before a family reunion they were planning up in New York. She looked me straight in the eye and said, “I want you to know that I’ve made up some lies about you and told our family so that they won’t like you.” I was shocked. I asked her to repeat herself because I thought I had misunderstood. She said it again. I leaned over right in the middle of eating my lunch and picked up my purse. I pulled out a $20 bill and said, “I’m glad to see you still act like you’re in high school. I don’t know why you are so awful to me. Here’s a $20 to cover my salad and my tip. I will not sit here and listen to you for another minute.” And I got up and walked out of the restaurant. She was horrible to my ex’s first wife, she was horrible to her son-in-law, etc. She was simply a hateful and terrible person.

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  14. I’m happy to hear about the turnaround on your taxes. I had a similar thing happen to me and will be forever grateful to my tax lady. I once had someone write a memo to my boss filled with lies about me. She was the top secretary on the totem pole of over 2,000 people. I was so puzzled and completely devastated. Fortunately, my boss believed me and not her. I was never able to confront her about it because see “top secretary.” She was the nicest person in the world to your face, but watch your back. To this day, I have no idea why she did it. Please don’t lose your ATM card this weekend. I was going to mention that maybe you could use your old PIN but didn’t want you to take it as advice. Go, Edsel!

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  15. My bitch of a sister-in-law smacked my cat for jumping up on the kitchen counter. I don’t remember what I said but I should have screeched, “You do not do that! That is the same as hitting someone else’s child!” (you cat hating bitch).
    Someone tried to cut me off in traffic yesterday but I stopped them. I yelled, “I will sit on your face and shit in your mouth” without a beat. My windows were up. That was a pure Jersey moment. I consider myself a Philly/ Jersey hybrid but I have been here nearly twice as long. I believe I switched over for good in that moment. Classy.

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    1. I was once visiting a friend whose cat jumped up on the kitchen table when the friend and I were eating. I gently picked up the cat and put him on the floor (I’m an animal lover) and said, “Stay off the table, Kitty”. My friend said, “It’s his house.” She was right. I have never assumed to correct another person’s pet in their own house since.

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  16. Do.Not.Get.Me.Started.On.Taxes.Or.On.The.Asshole.Professional.I.Stupidly.Trusted.For.Years. I am now H&R Block’s newest and biggest fangirl.

    DNGMSO teeth either. I had to go to the dentist before work this morning because my most recent crown feels weird.

    I’m still planning on testing my dog this weekend. Maybe I’ll see if I can buy some Doggie NoDoz for her. Fill her up with coffee and amphetamines. Hey! That’s ME in college!

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  17. We’ve got drama at our house right now over taxes. I’m not going into details, but one of us is biting her tongue. If I say everything I’m thinking I may not have a marriage much longer. I’m a little hot under the collar right now. Maybe in five years you will post again asking us what we should have said and I will say it al then.

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  18. I CRACKED A TOOTH LAST WEEK!
    Yes, all caps. Because.
    I was just eating my healthy, balanced meal (chicken nuggets, off my lap, in the car), when my tooth started poking at me like a 6-year-old trying to get my attention. I was horrified. I kept telling people about it in the most mournful tones, and they would be all “Oh, what a bummer! That’s a hassle. I am totally going over my grocery list in my head right now!” Like it wasn’t a travesty!
    THEN I went to the dentist to have it fixed, and they gave me the shot to turn half my head into a numb alien head, and then left me there to mutate. And I started…it wasn’t a panic attack, but I started crying. And it went from little tears leaking down my cheek to sobbing and gasping really quick and I had to ask someone to move the chair to sit me up. It was terribly embarrassing.
    You know what’s a good way to sound convincingly sane? Insist you’re not crazy over and over while you try to stop crying. Oh, and apologize multiple times. I just KNOW I have an unflattering note on my chart now.
    All that to say I am SO SORRY this terrible thong happened to you. You don’t deserve something like this. It’s unjust, that’s what it is!

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    1. I would always cry at the dentist soon after they numbed me. I thought it was just nerves. The dentist told me the medicine is epinephrine and that the uneasy feeling and tears were side effects of the medication. Now that I know that, I can breath through it and I just try to relax.

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  19. This is not just about one person, but salespeople/cashiers who lick their fingers to get a bag open. It just grosses me out, especially since they lick their hand, then immediately touch my sweater, groceries, etc. product I just bought . I always want to say “You know you shouldn’t do that, right? Not only is it gross to me, but why would anyone this day and age want to lick their fingers constantly while out in public handling money, etc. ? You will get sick!” But I don’t say anything and freak out instead.

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  20. Thanks for the riveting update June. I look forward to some morning June every day. That assessment seems spot on for Edsel. I wonder what he was thinking while you were giving him the tests though. “Oh goody, big hur giving Edz attention and treats”.

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    1. Oh this makes me angry on your behalf! More than a few times I’ve had to guess if people are circle swimming or sticking to one side. This is nothing for him to be rude about. It is hard to tell. My husband too has gotten snippy people in his lane. Oftentimes when I see there are no completely open lanes I just go home. People make things not fun.

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  21. About 8 years ago, my daughter and I were at the Y and decided to swim laps before we headed over to the rec pool. There were very few swimmers that day and we hopped in a lane with one other man. We thought he was swimming up on one side of the lane and back on the other side, but no. He was doing something else, and we almost bumped into one another. Crisis averted and we kept on swimming. He made a HUGE deal of it, called the lifeguard over, mansplained the whole situation, and raised his voice louder and louder until everyone at the pool was staring at us. My daughter was freaked out because she was not accustomed to men who yell, particularly not at me or her. (Mr. Texas doesn’t yell.) What I said was “We’ll swim laps another time.” What I should have said was, “This was a simple mistake, but you have made it a big deal for no reason. The next time you make a mistake I can only hope people will be kinder to you than you have been to me.”

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  22. I love that long red line for “bonded.” Looks pretty damn accurate.

    So much to love in this post, Jude. I feel your pain on the freelancing. I TRY to pay estimated every month, just put a little toward it each month instead of trying to pay that big quarterly bill. Like I said, I try. Sometimes, food is more important than taxes.

    But I’m glad you’re getting a return, and all because some asshat mails you a tax form late! I swear the IRS owes me a million dollars if only someone would mail me the right form.

    And yes, there’s one woman I wish I’d cussed out because she was hitting on my husband at a party (he’s clueless so he had no idea) but it was my sister-in-law’s birthday and I was trying to be nice. I can’t believe someone would come to your house and be such an ungracious pig.

    Sorry about your tooth…there goes the refund, huh?

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  23. I fell your pain regarding taxes. I owe the f-ing IRS and I will not pay until the very last second! And, yes, I have conversations in my head for years with snappy comebacks I wish I’d said when people are assholes. The older I get the more likely I am to just say it! I’ve been busy this week, so I haven’t donated for my continued subscription to your non-blog yet, but I plan to today. I love your non-blog. Thank you for writing!

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  24. When you came to visit, did you notice that I hid the cats? I buried them in the yard. Well, yes, they were already dead, but you didn’t see them, did you?

    I can understand why you were taken aback by the ungracious guest and why you still tell her off in your mind. I’m guessing that was her last visit to your home.

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  25. Maybe being a prototype dog means that Edsel is social and charming enough to be sent off to approach the humans and cats and be a founding father of the Needy Committee. Trailblazer! He agreed to send back snacks and treats for everyone. But then was distracted by Blu and his comfy dog bed and forgot to reach back for the others.

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