The Oddly Psychic Señor Kittens

We have many items to cover today, so let’s get right to business [straightenss her papers the way Walter Cronkite did].

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Just so I don’t go all over the place, as I’m wont to do, Ima tell you right now I wish to address the asshole on a dating site, my cool new manicurist, and the answers to our grid yesterday.

Oh, and before I begin (OH MY GOD, JUNE), I do want to tell you that when I woke up today, Edsel was pressed along the length of me, as he does, and at the top, Iris was similarly pressed against me, and Eds was using her as a pillow.

Had I not been pinned in a dog/cat sandwich, and had it not been black as pitch, I’d have captured it on film for you. He loves his cats, Edsel does.

Iris didn’t mind, by the way. She was purring and starfishing her paws.

And also (SERIOUSLY JUNE, TAKE A RITALIN), Camilo my coworker never addressed The Banana yesterday, after ALL THAT BUILDUP the day before. I even sent a very pressing work email about it, and nothing.

I saw on our work Instagram account that he was, like, literally lying on the floor of the studio, setting up an image for a work thing, but I truly feel that bananas should take precedence, when one has PROMOTED the idea that you’ve learned something so new about them that your brain “literally” exploded.

But, as with the majority of the emails I send at work, it went unnoticed. So.

Yes, we have no banana stories.

So, the asshole on the dating site.

A few months ago, I noted that I was done trying to date. I gave up. At least for the time being. But I was procrastinating the other day, and I technically HAD Tinder, I just had it deactivated. So all I hadda do was fire it back up, and that is when I immediately saw Ned, got pissed and decided to stay on it with a vengeance.

Won’t you buy my book, “Mature Reactions, by June Gardens”?

Screen Shot 2018-03-23 at 7.33.12 AM.pngOne of the profile photos I have up is from my Frida Kahlo costume, although I think I used one where I’m outside, not this one. It doesn’t matter. Why can’t I just tell a fucking story?

Screen Shot 2018-03-23 at 7.36.58 AM.pngAnother photo I have on there is my photo from that app that makes you look about 10 times better than you do. I have written under it, “The photo where I look hot is an app, unfortunately.”

Today I get a message from a new potential swain. “Who’s Frida Kahlo?”

See. Okay.

Like, if you’re the kind of guy who doesn’t know who she is, you’re not going to be the kind of guy I like. You’re just not. You probably love watching professional football while at the bar at Applebee’s. You probably love Pixar films, and justify it by saying, “They write them so adults can enjoy them, too.”

You probably claim you were “in all the groups” in high school and you “got along with everybody.”

I don’t have time for the middle of the spectrum. I need an edge.

But look where that’s gotten me thus far. So I responded, with all the patience of a SAINT, “She was an artist. Mostly during the ’40s and ’50s. Was married to Diego Rivera.”

I mean, allow me to Google that for you.

As I was writing that, he wrote, “The one where you’re hot is an app?”

Wow.

So, after he read the info on Frida, he responded, “Oh, the one with the unibrow.”

Do you get wings and a Bud Lite at Applebee’s, or…?

“And the one where you’re hot,” he repeated. “An app?”

“That’s an app?”

He did that twice. He wrote “an app,” and then followed it up with the extremely necessary “That’s an app?”

“I believe I noted that, verbatim, yes,” I wrote back. Annoyed. Then I couldn’t stand it.

“I also believe repeatedly peppering a woman about the genesis of ‘the one’ photo where she’s hot might not be the smoothest method for meeting someone, particularly when ‘the one’ hot photo was addressed in my profile.”

Then I unmatched his ass. I whip out the sexy school marm vocab when I’m pissed.

I mean, hide your true colors till you’ve got me hooked, like the other men I’ve dated. Geez.

At least I’ve found love in a hand job.

I haven’t had a pedicure since fall, and what with the broken toe and all, I will continue to not have one. I decided, however, to have a manicure last night, because it’s been a hard week of fending off Appleasses. Asslebees.

I usually go, which you know from your Big Book of June Events, to Elegant Nail & Tan (Slogan, “We actually have no way for you to tan”), but there is another nail place closer (Slogan, “We’re two minutes from your door, as opposed to three”) and I’ve never given them a try, so last night I did.

“So, what’s your story?” asked the manicure guy, and we told each other our life stories.

IMG_6254.jpgOh my god, he was da bomb. He’s hilarious, and he loves Italian food, and he made two of my nails reflective metallic!

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It turns out, it’s really hard to photograph your hand.

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Okay, see? One’s like a hologram. And I know my cuticles are terrible. I bite them.

Anyway, he was hilarious and smart, and also oddly psychic. He mentioned saying something on my blog before I told him I had one. He asked if I needed a phone charge before I realized I did need one. We discussed his blog name and he said, “Señor Kittens.”

“You don’t even HAVE kittens,” said the woman next to him.

Weird. The Oddly Psychic Señor Kittens.

I see that I have droned on and have not addressed our grid from yesterday, wherein you listed all the people from my photos.

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I do not have time now to break them all down for you, but tune in tomorrow for a Very Special Saturday June where I reveal all. Maybe I’ll even finally have that banana story. Sounds appealing, June!

The one-hot-photo gal,
June

 

 

35 thoughts on “The Oddly Psychic Señor Kittens

  1. May I request a photo grid of your pets and a where they came from caption contest? There are a few I forget their back stories (SD specifically, I can’t remember when/how he came into the picture).

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      • I just realized that Mother is also in picture #2 with your step-dad. She’s peeking out over his shoulder. #3 and #4 are Aunt Kathy and Uncle Bill.

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  2. I bite my nails and have ecxema on my hands. I wear lots of rings too, even though I should not draw attention to their chubby, stubby awkwardness. Hands are very hard to photograph. I take picturess of different ring combinations. I have NEVER had a professional manicure, how sad. I did go through a self applied fake nail period in the nineties. I was told it looked good on me and seemed fitting to me being such a girly girl. Waiting for them to dry did drive me batty. My youngest sister just got her first manicure in a decade. He gave her cat’s eye nails! Green for St. Patty’s Day. They are super cool. She only needed one tip! My nails are so soft, they break if I don’t bite them! I have serious nail envy.

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  3. I went and got a manicure last night too and had a lovely guy. But then approximately 6465431 people must have had a radar go off that I was trying to do something relaxing and they all started messaging me, texting me, calling me, etc. And then I had to deal with one friend having an emergency. So it was almost 11:00 by the time I got home and ate some toast for dinner. So much for my freaking relaxing manicure evening….

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  4. If you lead with “I found love in a hand job” instead of Frida Kahlo, your percentages of men who understand what you might be talking about go way up.

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  5. I would have been more than irritated with that dumb boy. Ick.

    I am sad that it was so dark when you woke up because that pillow cat image would have been adorable.

    Can’t wait until tomorrow’s bonus post!

    Lovely post, lovely June!

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  6. Sometimes I read a line of yours that encapsulates thoughts I have had to perfection.

    Many posts ago I remember reading something along the lines of collecting ex-boyfriends like charms on a bracelet (I did a cursory search on Bye Bye, Pie! and couldn’t find it). Today’s was “I don’t have time for the middle of the spectrum. I need an edge.” I’ve often said that I want a grown-up with an edge. I’m starting to think such a man does not exist.

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  7. The banana group picture WAS on the Face. I just looked, October 17, 2017. Who is being a stalker today? Lovely manicure. I have a stupid question, how do you bite your cuticles? I have never been a nail biter, so I don’t know the answers to these deep questions. On the other hand? My husband used to bite his nails and actually bit one of MY nails off. I was furious!!! He never did that again. Maybe Wonder Boy (TM, Sadie) was trying to be king when he asked if that photo was an app. Just a suggestion. Very funny post.

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  8. I’m kind of ashamed to admit how much time I spent yesterday trying to find the post where all your work row was holding up bananas. I didn’t find it.
    I like Senor Kittens. I hope you get manicures often so he can be a featured guest star.

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  9. I felt my heart cry when I read: “Who’s Frida Kahlo?” He could have at least Googled it. Idiot.

    I love the manicure, and Señor Kittens sounds amazing.

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  10. I despise anyone who asks any sort of question on any sort of media that they are using on a computer. I mean, you’re already halfway there – instead of typing your question on FACEBOOK, why not try g-d GOOGLE? Ugh. “Who’s Frida Kahlo?” HATE.

    Love love love your nails! I rarely get a manicure, but when I do I can barely get anything else done for staring at my own hands.

    Lovely lovely post lovely June! “That’s an app?”

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  11. I have terrible nails, so I do pedicures. These look fun.

    Happy Birthday today to DG in Niagara Falls & to me as well.

    Remembering Lu today…

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  12. Why don’t you date Senor (I can’t do the accent mark, either) Kittens? He sounds like the perfect match for you.

    Speaking of the Beatles’ songs, I’ve been dying to share this nugget I read in Reader’s Digest: A lady was singing Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds and came to the part about the girl with kaleidoscope eyes. Her husband says, Oh, is that what it is? I always thought they said the girl with colitis goes by.

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  13. “I mean, hide your true colors till you’ve got me hooked, like the other men I’ve dated. Geez.” LOVE THIS.

    My last manicure, I got a very light iridescent color and I hated it as soon as I walked out. Actually, I may have started hating it at about nail six, but I was already committed by then. As some of you know a few years ago I got (?) came down with (?) arthritis, so now about thirty percent of my fingers are wonky. They go their own way (and call it another lonely day), similar to my sainted mother’s hands. (Really. I couldn’t have inherited her thick hair and thin legs? I had to get my father’s thin hair and thick legs? But Mom’s arthritis. Genetics suck.) ANYWAY, when I got home, my daughter took one look at my nails and hands and made some snarky Sally Hansen / grandmother crack. So for two weeks I have been stuck with Sally Hansen old church lady nails. Tomorrow is my standing and AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, I am getting a dark and/or bright color. And possibly an accent on my ring fingers as those two are still straight. Ha! “Straight!” OMG, I bet my ring fingers are Republicans.

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  14. I just looked at the photo of your hand being massaged and relaxed a bit. I need a massage so bad. Sorry I can’t remember names.

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  15. Did the Oddly Psychic Señor Kittens know you were coming in for a manicure before you did? He sounds like a hoot unlike the annoying That’s-an-app? boy wonder.

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  16. Hey Jude

    That picture of you with the app? It makes your nose look like it is contoured with makeup. And since your nose seems to distress you , have you ever tried to do the contouring? I see so many pics of transformed noses with that method. I’ve tried to do it to myself but can’t quite get the hang of it. ALERT: I like June’s nose as is, just an idea. So nobody get mad at me. Anyhow, have you tried that yet? It would be safer than surgery.

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  17. Love those metallic/holographic accent nails, June. And Senor Kittens looks like he was fun. I’m sure that you were likewise entertaining as hell to him.

    The Asshole on the Dating Site is exactly why I am not on dating sites. I think I would really struggle with ignoring or blocking these idiots. I would have to find them and burn their house down (after safely removing any animals from it, of course), or take a baseball bat to their car. What I’m saying is that I would not take interacting with assholes well.

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  18. Did you do the dipping powder on your nails? It is my new obsession. Either way, love, love the color(s)! I think the one finger is a different color but not sure.

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    • Oooh, kelincol, I share your obsession with the dipping powder. I am currently rocking a purple fade into pink for Easter. Love them. They actually last for 2 weeks or more (unlike those whores the shellac nails, who promised they’ll last 2 weeks, but actually lasted about 12 days for me, and then they self-destructed and started peeling right off my nails.)

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      • Mine have been making it for 3 and then I have to get them redone only because they have grown out so far. These mothers stay on forever – it’s like being Wolverine!

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  19. Well, shoot, I didn’t have time to submit answers for the grid yesterday. Let’s just agree I would have said “Alex” for half of them.
    Fancy metallic nails! It would be fun if they were coincidentally magnetic. Like your personality!

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