June's stupid life

Disease Du Jour

I am sitting on my couch, speaking into my phone today, because I am icing my arm. I have a very serious medical condition. You know how this delights me.

Yesterday afternoon, I went to my doctor. Fortunately for me, he’s right across the street from work, so I can just pop in there any old time. At this point, they have a special room for me, and I go in early so I can chat up all the receptionists about their love lives.

I had gone for a followup on my broken toe, and because some of my medication was giving me headaches.

My beleaguered doctor looked at all that stuff, asked me questions from his giant scroll of June medical events, and then at the very last minute, I said, “Oh, by the way, my elbow hurts all the time. Just constantly. I believe it’s elbow cancer.”

My doctor, who is hilarious, has told me that I have two choices: He can be hilarious and I can not ever ever quote him on this blog ever, or he can be all professional and medical with me and I will have nothing to report to you anyway. I have opted for door number one. But just know he has several ridik things to say to me whenever I am there, including my diagnosis of elbow cancer.

My doctor is as over me as any doctor ever is. I have not told him about the streak of doctor suicides I have been responsible for. Or about the two doctors who have quit the medical profession altogether.

Anyway, he was basically not believing there was anything wrong with me, until he touched my elbow. “Wow, it’s swollen!”

After many invasive medical tests and procedures, after a team of experts were flown in from across the globe, it has been determined that I have tennis elbow.

I realize that I have never played tennis in my life, except for when they forced me to in gym class in the 10th grade. Nevertheless, I have a sports injury.

I’ve been trying to think of what repetitive motion I have done to my stupid arm to warrant this major medical condition. As far as I can remember, it just hangs limply on my motionless side. It’s not like I’m out there athletic-ing the world.

I got planter fasciitis when I don’t run. I broke a toe by walking into the dog’s bone. And now I have tennis elbow and I couldn’t even tell you where there’s a tennis court in this town.

Maybe I sleepwalk, and at night I’m a tennis pro somewhere around here. I am Greensboro’s Yvonne Goolagong. My doctor did, in fact, once tell me I had iron-poor blood.

When we were just wrapping up college circa 1989, my roommate Sandy filled out an application for a job, and made the mistake of letting it lie around so I could see it. She listed her hobbies as racquetball and watercolor painting.

When she got home, I chastised her for leaving her racquet all around the house. “And I suppose you’re going to whip up that easel again.”

Anyway, that’s me. Having hobbies that I don’t actually do. That my body is paying for. By the way, she got that job. Worked at that place for 18 years. I always threatened to call and tell them that she had never watercolor-painted one thing in her goddamn life.

Her hobbies included putting on her pajamas and watching “A Current Affair.” And drinking and makeup shopping with me.

Anyway, that sums up my current medical condition. Someone on Facebook last night already determined that our ribbon should be tennis-ball yellow. You guys are wearing a lot of Rubens lately. Ribbons. Jesus. I’ve been wearing a lot of Reubens. What hips?

I leave you with pictures of my animals being aggressive to each other. Last night, Lily was licking the spot on Edsel’s leg that he won’t stop licking. Anyway, it offended Edsel and all of his people through time. All of the ancient Edsels through history rose up from the grave to glare at Lily over this.

Here’s Steely Dan chomping the butt parts of poor Iris.

And that is my life today.

Icily,

Jeb

41 thoughts on “Disease Du Jour

  1. I had tennis elbow this year too! The doctor couldn’t figure out what caused it, but I believe it was from reading on the bed lying on my belly with my elbows used for support. That’s my theory because reading is my only exercise.

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  2. Oh no! TENNIS elbow minus the tennis. That is the worst. I hope it feels better soon! How is your toe prognosis?

    Lovely post, lovely June!

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  3. I have mouse elbow. That’s exactly what my doctor called it. From using my mouse too much. I had a brace for a while but it was uncomfortable. I just rest my elbow on a cushioned mouse pad and it is so much better. I hope it feels better soon.

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  4. Damn, June, that sounds painful.
    If we were still doing comment of the week ol’ Hookers and blow wins hands down.
    Feel better, pretty June!

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  5. I have tennis elbow in my right arm. I swear I don’t do anything athletic, nor have I ever. I’m blaming mine on mouse-clicking for the last, oh, 19 years. I can feel that tendon or whatever move when I use the mouse, so. Workers’ Compensation?

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  6. I’d say mouse, but that is the other arm. I’ve had my shoulder screwed up by that though. Now I really want to hear what the hilarious doctor says.

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  7. When you aren’t able to ice it, Biofreeze might help with the pain. I second the recommendation of a TENS unit. I’ve used both for chronic neck and shoulder pain.

    I’ve enjoyed the last several posts, just haven’t had uninterrupted time to get back to comment.

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  8. Oh, Joon, I’m sorry to hear of your ailment. Please follow your hilarious doctor’s instructions and get well soon. What’s next, water on the knee?

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    1. I am the same way. If I complain of a migraine I feel like I’m a hypochondriac. I power through it. Last summer I had a massive migraine, it was 102 outside and I explored the Grand Canyon with my grandaughter because I didn’t want to admit I was in pain. I finally got to the hotel and said “screw this, I’m going to bed”. Then because it was 4th of July and there were fireworks outside I did not rest, instead I sat watching said fireworks with an even greater pounding head and was appropriately impressed. Yeah. Thanks Mom.

      By the way my mom also did not admit to pain. She had 3 vertebrae in her neck collapse at work and never missed a beat. She kept on working. She had to have a fusion and tried to go back to work he next week because she wasn’t sick. She had a heart attack while having an MRI and refused to let them wheel her to the cath lab, she walked. She broke her finger water skiing and she kept on skiing. Merely a flesh wound.

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  9. I got tennis elbow from chuking the tennis ball to the spastic boxer dog. I’d throw the ball, he would bring it back then have a spaz attack until I threw it again. I irritated the arm so bad I had Popeye’s forearm. It was awful. So I can sympathize with you.

    I am the opposite of you. I am more of the Black Knight from Monty Python. It’s merely a flesh wound. I walked around with a broken foot for two weeks and told everyone that I probably just strained it. Went to the doctor and got my ass chewed. I think I’m like this now because my mom was a nurse and NOTHING was serious. I swear I got hit in the head with a baseball bat and my head was pouring blood and my mother said “pull up your big girl panties and get over it. You aren’t dying”. But maybe I was dying. I mean I had been hit in the head and there was a massive amount of blood and I was dizzy, but NO it was just a bump on the head. No big deal. I had rheumatic fever and she didn’t even take me to the doctor. Ok the doctor lived next door but still. She did not put up with gerrymandering.

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    1. I think our moms would have been friends IRL. She was also a nurse. She never believed me when I was sick. Now I have massive anxiety when I go to the doctor because I assume they don’t believe me. I also power through things now. The only reason I went to the doctor after a recent dog bite was because I knew I needed antibiotics. I ended up having two broken fingers, 5 days in the hospital, surgery on both hands and roughly 30 stitches. I almost powered through it.

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  10. I had tennis elbow years ago and just like Tee I could not push the button on my hair spray and yes it was tragic! My injury stemmed from lifting a large bottle of vodka into an overhead cabinet! The shot helped for a while, wearing a brace and the TENS unit seemed to help more than anything. It did finally go away on its own. Stay strong June, I’m sure you will get through this.

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  11. Could it be from your frantic typing to all of us at night and then typing all day at work? Oh, how you suffer for us, Joob!

    I had tennis elbow about 20 years back from typing all day, every day at work. Had my right arm at a weird angle to use my mouse and the doctor told me to stop it. Got a lower keyboard shelf with a mouse pad on it and a chair with arms (actually had to get a prescription from my doctor for my company to buy me an army chair. Gotta love law firms.). I haven’t had any problems since though.

    Awww, Iris is trying to make Edz’s spot better and he just doesn’t appreciate her care. I’m not sure what SD is trying to make better on Iris’ butt though.

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  12. Did said doctor give you elbow exercises to do? I believe you inherited your athletic prowess from me and many years ago I had tennis elbow.

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  13. All the cleaning.
    Petting of animals.
    Using Layla.
    Makeup applying.
    Hair doing.
    Can opener for Chef Boy Ar Dee.
    Water bottle opening and closing.
    Editing the copy.
    Phone usage…scroll scroll scroll.
    Opening and closing doors for pet entry and exit.

    Sort of on the subject, I heard a story . All plastic surgeons nose job wanting patients are increasing because the selfie taking public is seeing their noses out of proportion to reality…somewhat like a fun house mirror it distorts how large your nose REALLY is. And to take them from at least 5 ft. away to get a more realistic idea of a persons nose size.

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    1. I just looked and there really is a thing called “cell phone elbow”.

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  14. When I had carpal tunnel/ulna nerve reduction surgery the first thing I did was learn to diddle with my other hand. It took some time to perfect it. I lost strength in thst dominant arm.

    I adore my ice pack. It came from a chiropractor my partner saw years ago. It’s big and squishy and I would be lost without it. I love numbing ice way more than heat for back or neck pain.

    I hope all your pain “issues” resolve soon , pretty June.

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    1. We use ice packs so much in our house that we invested in several of those fancy ones that are soft and fuzzy and you can put them directly in your skin. Our ice packs take up a whole shelf in our freezer.

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  15. yvonne. got that. go me and suffering through years of tennis torture.

    why everyone be dik to lily? i kinda got my fur up over that. (i’ll be here all week).

    speaking of tennis and dik. this is awful of me because it messes with my sense of my morality, however, i recently learned richard can no longer play tennis. his injuries have caught up to him and he’s always in pain. and, i’m kinda happy about it. tennis came before everything. every.thing.

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  16. I think you are going to live. However, the pain is real, and it hurts, like crazy. I had tennis elbow, it hurt bad, but not until I could not press the button on the hair spray did I go to the doctor. So it was a dire situation, no hair spray. I hope you are not to that stage yet.

    Paula, icing.

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    1. No hairspray is a dire situation. I would have gone to the doctor as well.

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      1. Useless trivia…dogs are traditionally walked on the left side because most people are right handed and they needed that hand free so they could grab their gun from the holster. But I’m also confused by this. I didn’t realize that leashes were a thing in the olden days. Also too, why be out there walking your dog if things were so dangerous? These are the things I think about.

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  17. You poor poor thing! No thoughts, no prayers, and no hugging. I’m not even going to hang in the doorway of ICU. I’ll be off buying stock in neon yellow ribbon because there’s sure to be tens of supporters rallying around you. And I’ll be Googling Yvonne Goolagong because I don’t remember a ding dang thing about her except her awesome name. You are a veritable encyclopedia of sports trivia. June Strong!

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  18. My husband, descended from a long line of hypochondriacs, thinks everything must be cancer. “Does that spot on my back look like cancer?” (I’m not a doctor and had no idea that one could spot cancer that way.) “My throat is sore. I bet it’s cancer.” *sighs heavily*

    Sorry about your tennis elbow! It amazes me the things that go wrong with our bodies as we grow older. The aches and pains get very annoying.

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    1. That’s a big joke in our house. One day it will not be so funny.

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  19. When I read you were icing your arm, I pictured you with a spatula and a can of Betty Crocker frosting. Why So Chubby (TM June)? Me, not you. Possibly because I am also not athletic, so icing only means one thing and it do be delish (TM June).

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