She lost her youth and she lost her Tony. Home perm.

There’s a weird smell in my house, and I took out the trash hoping that was it, but I just noticed it again as I came in here, and I can’t help but think, What did a cat murder and bring in here? Like, somewhere the circle of life has circled, and I’ve yet to discover it.

Steely Dan leaps into the attic whenever he can. My theory is there is a rotting mastodon upstairs.

Also, please keep calling the attic “upstairs,” June. You’re not a bit delusional. Say, what are those faded feathers in your hair?

The ’70s had two songs about faded insane women, women who were both probably younger than I am today. Delta Dawn was only 41. No wonder her daddy still called her baby. Whippersnapper.

And I feel like when they were talking about Lola the showgirl, hadn’t 30 years passed since she’d lost her youth and she’d lost her Tony? So girlfriend was likely 50s.

Goddammit.

I also recall being 15, listening to Bob Seger telling us how Sweet 16 had turned 31, and I remember thinking, God how pathetic. You’re 31. Don’t go out. Then I spent every night of being 31 out on the town, pretty much. So.

You shoulda known me in my 30s. Although I was basically this with a smaller living space and hips. And a lot more action. Act-shun. I had a roommate who’d go to work and fill everyone in on the latest with my love life, because it was forever changing. I was 31 when I finally settled on Marvin, and she told me she went to work, and someone asked, and she said, “Oh, she finally met someone she really likes” and they were all, “Oh.” All disappointed.

THANKS, STRANGERS WHO JUST WANTED THE DRAMA.

So anyway, strangers who want the drama, here I am.

I’m icing my arm, a thing that Faithful Reader Paula envisions as me applying frosting to said arm, and harrrrrr-dy harrrrr, FR Paula. In the meantime, I am in extreme pain. As my grandma would say, I can hardly stand the pain.

My grandmother, the one I’m NOT turning into except for this, was a trifle…dramatic about her aches and pains. She had the arthritis really bad, though, and I hear that hurts like a bitch.

There was a nightclub across the street from her house, eventually. It had been some sort of hall, and then there was an actual, like, dance club or something. One night my poor grandmother walked over there, because she had arthritis in her hands and couldn’t open the new childproof caps to take her medicine. Had a bouncer or whatever open it.

Poor grandma. Sweet 16 had turned 61, and she was at the club. With her aspirin.

It was in her knees, too, the arthritis, and I have knee pain all the time now. What the fuck with the being old bullshit? And I don’t know if you’re online-dating, but as you know I took it back up last week like an

EEEEEEDIOT

and

all you see out there are 55-year-old men finishing a mud run, which pisses me off, because stop. Embrace your old age. Says the woman who just got laser beams in her face for two painful hours.

The point is, how can they do all that stuff? Doesn’t everything hurt? Everything hurts on me.

And do you recall a time when you didn’t have to search for

GODDAMN READING GLASSES all the time?

I have a giant jar of reading glasses here AND at work, and yet I always need reading glasses.

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I can’t shop for cosmetics without reading glasses (can’t read labels), I can’t go to restaurants without them (had to have the waiter read me the menu once), I can’t do anything in the kitchen (HOW long do you microwave this particular Lean Cuisine?). I can’t look at my phone when I’m sitting in the car possibly waiting to get a Burrito Supreme.

IT’S RIDICULOUS.

So I’ve got them everywhere. Those old ladies with glasses on a chain had the right idea.

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Oh, what is that SPOT on my little DESK?

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And yet? Two hundred times a day, “Where are my reading glasses?” Can’t they fix this shit? Can’t they make it so this doesn’t happen? What did people do in the olden days when they needed to read and had zero Rite Aids in which to purchase the readers?

Did they just up and not see things? I guess they did. They also fell over with croup all the time, so.

I’ve gotta go. I’ve gotta take my creaky ancient self into the shower, and creak over to work, where everyone is 19 and I’m the dowager, all of a sudden. I remember when I used to be the cute person at work. I mean, you know. I was a solid 6.

Also, while I’ve been writing this, with ice on m’arm, Iris asked to go out. Now she’s mowing to come in. Lily has been doing that purr/meow thing where she wants my attention, and is rubbing her teeth against the chair, my leg, the desk, the air, the world.

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Finally, I resorted to putting her on my lap and typing around the football that is her figure. She’s been pushing her stupid needy head into my typing hand, and my one good not-being-iced arm, ever since.

img_6527.jpgEdsel has gone in and out and in and out and in and out through the screen door and barked at Jackie the personality-free greyhound so many times that I finally yelled at him and now he’s Vitamin C.

Also, that floor is stained. Is there a way to remove DOG MUD from linoleum? Or am I screwed? This floor has been here for 10 years. Maybe I should replace.

The point is, it’s a sad day when Steely Dan is the good pet. I’ve no idea where he is, which means he’s feasting on the mastodon upstairs or he’s on the neighbor’s roof. Knocking down nests or what have you.

Sweet 16 turned 52. Sweet 16’s got 52 pets.

XO,
Jewb

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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

53 thoughts on “She lost her youth and she lost her Tony. Home perm.”

  1. I believe you can now get the lasik for close up seeing. I just turned 44 last week and do not need readers yet but I feel things are starting to get a bit fuzzy. Silver lining, maybe soon I won’t notice all my chin hairs and this vitiligo spot on my face that appeared out of nowhere 2 years ago.

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  2. Yep…a year ago I started asking for the easy off tops on my medications. It’s all downhill now baby! Please come disco dancing with us single females and all the married men who sit and watch, at the Senior Night Wednesdays at Proximity! It’s a lot of fun.

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  3. Speaking of mud spots, I recently changed my comforter to, WAIT FOR IT, a beige one and I HOPE TO GOD the spots on it were mud from my own Greyhound who is not ALLOWED on the bed, but waits patiently for me to leave and then …. well, you know. My solution, since the dog is not listening to the house rules, was to order a mud-colored comforter. I await its arrival; the valances arrived yesterday because you know everything has to match match match. I can hardly wait for my new mud-colored bedroom. (Ok, fine, it’s really just a darker beige and the valances have a print / design. Woohoo.)

    Jackie is not personality-free. Greyhounds have personality and it is: ALOOF. Plus they have that long nose with which to look down upon everyone. My greyhound can be quite goofy, but then she needs to take a nap and recharge.

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    1. Greyhounds are the introverts of the dog world. You need to get to know them to see their personality. I have the goofiest video of one of our old greyhounds trotting back and forth with a toy, and the cat leaping out of his hiding spot to bonk her, and them doing it all over again.

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Will SD be bringing feathers for your hair to complete the costume?

    I’m right there with all of you on vision, as I hold my phone at odd angles to see and type this. I’m hoping my Lasik eval. next week give me some hope that it’s possible to see better.

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  5. A mysterious smell in the house is very frustrating. I love that your grandmother went across to the bouncer to open her medicine. The world needs more problem-solvers like her!
    Have a good day, friends!

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  6. I just had my cataract scheduling appointment yesterday, so. It could be worse. You could be Bono. Although they tell me when I’m done I may not need glasses for everyday seeing every day. Just readers. I said “can’t you just make it so ALL I need is all the time glasses?” as I am also the proud owner of 9874739 pairs of readers that I can never find. I would rather just have to keep them on my face and be done with it. The eval appointment was 2 1/2 hours long. The scheduling appointment lasted an hour. When I commented on how long it all took they said “well, most of our patients are in their 70s and 80s. An appointment is the highlight of their day”. They had one employee who’s job it was to walk around and offer beverages and cookies and chat with patients in the waiting room. They were all having a good ole time while I was checking my watch every 26 seconds.

    I am beside myself with worry over your current malady. An elbow is no laughing matter. Even if it does contain your funny bone. I gave myself tennis elbow years ago filling a bucket with rocks over and over again and carrying it across the yard. My prison days. HA! Actually, when we moved into our house and I was working on cleaning the garden. My POINT is – I feel your pain!

    Lovely post, lovely pets, lovely June!

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    1. I have a cataract appointment in a couple weeks. You’re scaring me with how long it takes. My appointment’s late in the day so I guess I better bring dinner. Good grief!

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  7. You think you hurt now, just wait and see how you are in 20 years. I have to lift my blended bifocal glasses UP to read anything small.

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  8. i did get mono vision during my lasik surgery. love love love – would do over again in a heartbeat.

    aging sucks. question. if you could, because now you know how ‘maturing’ goes, would you go back to your younger self and say, “listen girl. you have GOT to step up your party game. there will come a day when your body will give out and no matter how much you’d like to stay up until 2 am dancing, it just won’t happen.”?

    i think i would.

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  9. Old folks used to use magnifying glasses to see small stuff. Sherlock Holmes etc. Before that they “didn’t sweat the small stuff.”

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  10. Magic Eraser might work to scrub out that mud spot – that used to work on my linoleum kitchen floor that needed a new wax job (and never got one). Look at me, I’m Heloise!

    Also, back when I was 50, I was complaining to an older friend (age 80) that everything (EVERYTHING) hurt when I got up in the mornings and I was really creaky, etc., etc. I said, “I suppose that’s what happens when you turn 50!” and she said, “I didn’t feel that way until LAST YEAR.” So, yeah, not normal for our age. If it isn’t arthritis, you probably just need a good PT. Core exercises and hip stretches and stretches for the IT-band (something that goes down the outside of your leg from your hip to your knee) are what helped me, but everyone is different.

    I love how I sound so athletic here, but really, this was all just so I could get up from the couch without groaning and take my daughters to Target without needing to sit down in the middle of the shopping trip. That’s right, I train to go to Target. It’s not easy to rock that suburban vibe, you know.

    Liked by 2 people

  11. Another possibility is to travel back to your 30s and develop a chronic pain syndrome that lasts for most of a decade, and then the 50s won’t seem so bad.

    Or find a free yoga class.

    Or laugh at something as much as we laugh at your posts. Rotting mastodon.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. And Post Script: I did not mean for that to sound like “qwitcher complaining.” Because as we all know complaining is good for the stress.

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  13. I’m getting cataract surgery in May or June, am looking forward to seeing again. I wear trifocals, they don’t do any good. I use a magnifying glass all the time. I told my optometrist my eyes burn all the time, even though I use Restasis. He prescribed Lotamax for which they wanted $166.00. I told them to keep it. Lily looks so cute! I hope you loved on her real good!

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  14. A) LOVE the story about your grandma. Tell us more about her.
    B) Want the pink phone.
    C) Does the Fresh Cream smell heavenly? As good as Baby Soft?

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  15. At my age, I’m beginning to think Katherine Hepburn had the right idea rocking the turtlenecks. Like Nora Ephron, I feel bad about my neck.

    Liked by 2 people

  16. Beautiful story today.
    Good to hear from the comments, I am not alone.
    The dancing idea is a very good one and sounds fun. Will help all the core muscles and the leg ones someone mentioned. Get out and shake your thang. You can be the young one in the room again.

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  17. This reminds me, I have to make an appointment with the optometrist. My eyesight (not great since 8th grade anyway) has really gone downhill the past couple of years. Husband is talking about Lasik but that scares me. I’ll just keep patting around for my glasses, thank you very much.

    Sounds like the pets are trying to comfort you. Except for SD, of course.

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  18. I had one cataract done, had it adjusted for distance. I have another, it was not ready for surgery yet. I need to get new progressives, I miss mine. This reading glasses crap is for the birds. I had bifocals at 35. I had glasses in kindergarten. They said I may still need glasses after the second surgery. I don’t mind, I feel like they protect my eyes. I scratched a cornea twice. The pain was horific. I could never do Lasik, eye surgery freaked me out. It was not bad at all, the ctaract surgery.

    I have tons of aches and pains too. My knees are wicked but I have fallen on them a bunch of times, so. Old age is not for sissies, middle age sucks too. And yet I still feel grateful. Seeing friends are relatives die younger will do that to you.

    I am with you on the PITA use me as the doorman pets! Some days!

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  19. Join you all on the post-50 creaks. I’m good once I’m up and moving, but it’s those first few steps out of bed that are the worst. I blamed it on my extra poundage, but it sounds like all you skinny girls are having the same problems. And I take an NSAID twice a day for my RA (thanks Mom, for passing that down to me), so it would hurt worse without them!

    I also join everyone else on the reading glasses in every room now, and 20 pairs on my desk at work, in my car, in my purse, in my wallet, in my coat pockets and even in my garage.

    My sister had cataract surgery a few years ago and while they did that, they implanted lenses – one in the one eye to see far, one in the other eye to see near. She said that it took awhile to get used to them, but now she LOVES them. She goes now without regular glasses or readers, and she was about blind before that. It costs a little more out of your own pocket to get those lenses, but she says it’s totally worth it. That’s the route I’m taking, since I’m headed for cataract surgery in the next few years.

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    1. They talked to me about the mono vision option – I’m not a candidate due to some other eye issues I’ve had so it wasn’t even a choice for me. But I have tried mono vision contact lenses and hated them, so I would be worried to try them as a permanent implant. I felt like a bird the whole time, tilting my head from side to side trying to figure out which eye I needed to see out of. I know other people who have them and love them, so maybe I’m just smart enough to figure out how to see out of one eye or the other!

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  20. “Really into maximalism” – BAH! Took me a second… I was like “June? A minimal… oh, wait!”

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  21. Delta Dawn what’s that flower you’ve got on?

    The purple Simple Green will clean your linoleum without stripping the finish.

    Also and too, what the hell? I have elevnty-fifty pairs of reading glasses and I always pick up the ones that are broken. Or, I can’t find the right strength. I mean in order to pull that one errant hair that grows out of the middle of my brow I need 3.0 but if I a reading I need 1.75 but if I’m reading off my E-reader then I need 2.0 and then of course there is trying to read directions on anything that is written in .00009 type. No one prepared me for this shit. There should have been a class in college Life After 50 – 101 and 102 Life After Menopause and Life Over 60.

    Lovely post Coot.

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  22. I have been wearing glasses since 4th grade. Twice in my life I wore contacts, not just twice but at two different times. I enjoyed seeing my face but it was really just so much trouble. I just buy 2 or 3 different glasses frames now to change up my look.
    Lovely post there, Coot.

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  23. Dear Jewb:

    It’s been several weeks since Ultherapy. Are you beginning to enjoy Billy Joel music more than ever before? Are you thinking about moving to the Hamptons?

    You aren’t completely falling apart – your face is getting younger by the minute.

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    1. We’re going to make an Official Ultherapy Rule: Since we know it takes 3 months, because 40 times I’ve said, “It takes 3 months to see results,” everyone who asks me this BEFORE JUNE 9 gets nudes of me texted to them.

      >

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  24. Check for a rotting potato. That’s a God awful smell.

    And try something like Oxiclean! Billy Mays, here!

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  25. I have worn glasses since 8th grade thanks to having the measles (that was way before measles shots). Then I went to contacts. When my eye doctor insisted I go from hard contact to gas perms I could not tolerate the wetting solution for the gas perms, so I went back to glasses. Not long after that I graduated to bifocals and now I have had trifocals for years. I have always been very happy that I didn’t have to be looking for a pair of glasses to read the small print. I must admit you have some very cute glasses that I could never afford, because trifocals.

    I have on my record and my husband’s record at the drug store NOT to put people-proof tops on our medication containers. So far, they have been compliant. I don’t need those annoying tops that only children can remove.

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  26. 1) You can get the Raindrop procedure, which is a wee raindrop-shaped implant in one eye that makes that one eye able to see up close. This may sound alarming to many people, but I had Lasik and that’s basically filleting your eye with a laser, and it was awesome, so I don’t see the problem.
    2) Delta Dawn and Lola both aged badly. Because grief-induced psychosis and being a showgirl are both terribly bad on the skin. You’ll have to be something like 78 to catch up with them.
    3) The last time I had a smell in my house that I couldn’t find it was a dead mouse my dog had stuffed between my couch cushions. Good news! I have a new couch!

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    1. There is little else that smells as bad as deceased mouse.
      It smell somewhat like a gas leak, after awhile. Under car seat and dang hard to get to. Could not use the car for awhile after getting it finally cleaned out. Then they make this evergreen shredded up baggie with holes to let the scent out to put in your car to keep mouses from wanting to inhabit, it smelled slightly better.

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  27. I knew from the first paragraph that this was a post that should be destined for book inclusion!

    Also, Hello Kitty now makes eye glass chains…

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  28. I have suffered tennis elbow several times. Ice and painkillers did nothing for me. One of my co-workers suggested an elbow brace you wear tight below your elbow. It’s just a strap you can hide under your clothes, inexpensive and available anywhere. It worked almost immediately. I guess it holds the tendons or ligaments or whatever the heck is in your elbow to keep them from moving and it clears up.

    I also have thousands of reading glasses everywhere. Just purchased wear-all-the-time glasses. I was so sick of put them on, take them off, put them on, take them off …

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    1. I finally caved this year and got wear all the time glasses too!
      Tired of losing my readers all over the freaking place and not being able to read menus or boxes at the store!!
      I just turned 48!

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  29. I am going to be late for work and it is all your fault, Joob. Too funny to stop reading!

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  30. I had to buy a pair of readers today at Target so that I could shop. It is not the first time I’ve had to do that either!

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  31. Fresh Cream. I bought my daughter a set (forgot what it consists of) of that for Christmas. She totally loves it. Personally, I like Falling in Love better. Also too, Unconditional Love.

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  32. I don’t need readers when I’m not wearing my contacts. I need contacts for distance, but now it messes up my reading vision.

    Dating sites! Thanks for reminding me why I deleted my profile! And they all say “young at heart”. Barf!!

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  33. As you go through your post, I’m nodding “yep, yep, yep” to all the aging things except readers (don’t use them). My latest harassment from my aging-not-at-all-gracefully body is hair. Not those pesky chin hairs, but all of a sudden my eyebrows are sprouting with those long, wiry, wild old man eyebrow hairs! Just as I’m trying to make the adjustment on of the dang things has the nerve to come in white as snow. My mother used to say that getting old was not for sissies. Now I’m there I agree.

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  34. Now see? I started this last night, and got distracted. Everyone is sleeping now, and I don’t have to physically go into work today so I just finished. There is probably another post waiting for me. I also have MANY readers posted in strategic places all over my house, work, car, purse, etc. I just perch my glasses on top of my head. That is how I always have them with me. The strategically placed ones are all back up glasses. I do long to see without the glasses again. Man, I certainly didn’t appreciate my eyes when they were fine-tuned. Now I just hope they don’t deteriorate more.

    Lovely post, lovely June!

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