June's stupid life · My Bible and Wall Street obsessions · My pets

LumberJune

Years ago, I was on the phone with my oldest friend, Pal From MA. She was on her porch, and who knows what ridik topic we were on, but it compelled her to yell, “HELLO, CLITORIS!” at one point.

And when she did that? A woman walking across the street waved.

This obsessed me. I was so tickled, so to speak. It really pushed my buttons.

I mean, was that her NAME? Did her parents hate her? Did she just think that’s what the cool people were doing now, like it was the new Whatup, Homie?

Was she thinking my Pal From MA was offering up some sort of girl-power hello, like the woman bits in me salute the woman bits in you?

Nubaste.

The reason I’m telling you this is because I woke up at 1:48 a.m. today and thought of this and could not stop giggling.

Picture-141

I giggled so hard, and for so long, that Iris, who is usually delightful to sleep with, flumped to the end of the bed, where everything was normal and no one was all “If this bed is a-rockin’ it’s because June is chortling uncontrollably about something that happened in 2009.”

Iris is my favorite cat to sleep with. Needy Lily, on the other hand, is all HELLO CLITORIS, so clingy is she and so hard does she want to sleep inside my soul. Fortunately she wasn’t there last night, because she’s the kind of person who ruins your giggling with, “What? What’s so funny?”

Why do people do that? It’s never as funny when you describe it. It’s the same as, “What’re you reading?” Oh, let me put down my book I’m enjoying and give you a verbal summation. Here’s a summation: You’re an asshole.

Anyway, hi. I know I’ve not been here in a few days.

I didn’t blog at you Friday or Monday because I got yet ANOTHER notice from WordPress that I owed them money and I was irked. I just renewed my ($100!!) yearly subscription with them a few weeks ago, but apparently I also upgraded my account last year at this time, because I needed to transfer over 11 years of blog photos and so on, so I owed on that.

I was giving careful consideration to just stopping this blogging deal altogether, so annoyed was I with this SECOND bill, but then I mentioned that on Facebook, and a bunch of you sent tips, even though I no longer have a tip jar on this blog.

That was so nice, and I was all, oh, I’ll blog Tuesday, and then today Steely Dan got injured.

dun dun DUNNNN

He came home last night, which right there was odd enough. He usually eschews me all evening for god knows what. He’s probably out saying, MEOW, CLITORIS, except he’s fixed. But so am I and I carouse, so.

Anyway, he came in last night during Edsel’s final pee of the night, and he was clearly upset. He was whipping his cat tail, his cat eyes were big and he clearly wanted me to stop fekking cat Yoko-ing him.

Then this morning he was Limp Bizkit. He wouldn’t put any weight on his back leg. I rushed him dramatically to the vet, who tells me SD’s been in a cat fight, and I’d just like to mention that Oscar the fluffy Orange Julius of a kitty next door is also an outdoor cat, and I feel like orange you glad you have a new cat to beat up was occurring last night, and I somehow missed it. How did I miss a catfight? Maybe it was one of those new Silent Bob(cat) fights.

He’s at the vet now, and they called me a while ago using his full Christian name. “Steely Dan Silverman is ready for you to get him at 1:00.” So I’m ready to leave in a second to go retrieve Jack Dempsy, over there, with his antibiotics that I feel like he’ll be quite mellow about taking. Like, Dennis Hopper in Blue Velvet mellow.

By the way, there’s a gray parrot at my vet, a gray parrot who meows. As worried as I was this morning, I could not help but be charmed by that parrot. “Meow!” he’d say, lifting his bird foot.

“Mew!” he did a whole ’nother cat voice while he poked at his budgie. This voice was almost kitten-y.

Then he whistled the Andy Griffith theme song to the room at large, and at this point I’m ready to be Mrs. June Gray Gardens Parrot, so enamored am I of this creature.

Meanwhile, my cat died like that little girl in Airplane, where everyone’s singing and not noticing her IV had fallen out.

Screen Shot 2018-04-17 at 1.05.50 PM.pngOh, he was FINE. He was in his carrier. IT WAS A MEOWING BIRD. Who can resist?

So, that’s all for now. I have much to tell you, including that I was in a tornado, and afterward Marvin couldn’t find me because apparently my phone was out for a bit so I did not recieve his call or follow-up oh my god are you dead text, and then I didn’t blog, so all of a sudden Marvin pictured me under a house with stripy socks.

The house began to pitch, and I’m a bitch.

Anyway, it was nice of Marvin to care if I lived or died. The tornado didn’t touch down at my house, but it sure as hell touched down elsewhere in my city. Tornadoes blow.

Tune in for more of this kind of hilarity and a full Steely Dan Silverman update tomorrow.

P.S. I forgot to ask you: Yesterday on (Face)Book of June, we got into a discussion about what our school mascot had been. Faithful Reader Paula’s kids used to be The Warriors, but that became politically incorrect, and since it was a Christian school, they changed it to The Warriors of the Lord, and I AM SORRY THAT IS EVEN BETTER THAN HELLO CLITORIS.

Warriors of the Lord. Oh, that KILLS me.

I was the Lumberjacks (of the Lord). Those of us who identified as female at my school were called—are you ready? Lumberjills.

Of the Lord.

Goodbye, Clitoris.

88 thoughts on “LumberJune

  1. I am so sorry I didn’t read this post until today!!

    The story is that I was outside walking with my husband (fmr.) and dogs (also fmr.). We had a neighbor – an elderly lady – whose name was Dolores.. (You know, “rhymes with a female body part” a la Seinfeld episode.

    My then husband had a somewhat odd sense of humor and he knew that Dolores was somewhat hard of hearing. So, as we walked the dogs past Dolores’ house he’s yell out “Hello, Clitoris” and she’d, of course, wave hello!

    It wasn’t really a nice thing to do and I was always fearful someone would overhear and call him out on it. I think I was relaying that story to you, June, when we were on the phone that day!

    Miss you!

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  2. Hello Clitoris! I really want to know how that came about. Where is the rest of that story? We were the Locomotives, females were the Dieselettes. Yes. I believe the females are now Lady Locomotives. Grade school athletes are Little Toots. Everyone is a Trainman. The main industry in our town is the railroad, in case you needed to know. Our mascot was a train engine, but on the football field was a caboose. My husband and I call ourselves the Cabooses. Of the Lord.

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  3. I am confident I will win this contest. Our mascot was a Beaver! The bus driver who drove our girls basketball team all over the state used to get on his CB radio & announce to truckers everywhere- “I’m driving a bus full of Beavers!” We had no clue..

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  4. We were the Matadors which I am still proud of. I mean, killers in Spanish. But then we had this goofy bull running around as a mascot. I never got that. Which is our mascot? The Matador or the bull?

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  5. The vet staff must love calling you and saying his full (Jewish) name, Steely Dan Silverman. Makes a nice change from Mittens, Midnight, and Blackie.
    Blackie was what I named my first cat. I was, I think, eight. So sue me.

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  6. We were the Warriors (SHOOTIN’ AT THE WALLS OF HEARTACHE, BANG BANG! Guess the decade), complete with a drawing of a native American. Bothered no one, despite the fact that not one but two native American reservations fed into our high school. I wonder if it’s become an issue yet?

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    1. Also, I just looked up the lyrics to that song (The Warrior, Patty Smyth) and good lord. That makes absolutely zero sense.

      “Well, isn’t love primitive
      A wild gift that you want to give
      Break out of captivity
      And follow me stereo jungle child
      Love is the kill
      Your heart’s still wild”

      Love is a gift? No wait, love is the kill.What is a stereo jungle child? And later on someone’s eyes are going to touch her physically, which sounds damp and gross.

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  7. So glad you didn’t bag the blog, you were missed! Hope SD feels better. Sounds like he’s met a match?

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  8. I’m hysterical at all the mascots “… of the Lord.” I mean, C’MON. High school is hard enough, plus it was a Catholic high school, so let’s further humiliate all the teams by making the mascot laughable. “NOW TAKING THE FIELD, THE WARRIORS OF THE LORD.” And the stands would erupt in hoots and guffaws. And why is “warrior” politically incorrect? My college mascot was The Bomber; that I can see as politically questionable.

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  9. I’m glad the tornado dodged around you. I’m waiting to hear if a relative’s house was damaged.

    The stripey socks curling up and sliding under the house were, for some reason, the scariest part of The Wizard of Oz when I was little.

    My high school was the Washington Warriors; the mascot was, I think, a Roman soldier. Don’t know if the women’s teams were Warriorettes or Lady Warriors, or maybe just Warriors. My cousin played half-court basketball in Iowa in high school against a team whose mascot was the Bulls, so the women were…the Bullettes. Not, as my mother suggested, the Cows.

    My Midwestern college mascot was, unbeknownst to us, a really ugly term for Native Americans in the Northwest. When this was made clear after I graduated, the college changed it to Prairie Fire, which I like, but some people are still shirty about it.

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  10. Tornado! We lived through an awful one when we lived in southern Indiana (went through Henryville and Maryville and up past Hanover). 7 or 8 were killed, three that had links to our small church. They are awful.

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  11. My high school’s mascot is the Spartans. (When I typed that, I spelled it out like we used to yell it with the drum rolls in between each letter.) Once a Spartan always a Spartan. My kids can sing our old school anthem, even though we live in a different city now. I know. Let go of the past…

    My college mascot is the Tommies. (I also spelled that in my head and ended with “Go, Tommies, Go!”)
    I think it was a Tom Cat, but that is the only thing that makes sense. (The name was for The University of St. Thomas.)

    It is fun reading about other people’s mascots and names. Some of them are hilarious.

    I hope SD gets better quickly. Poor kitty-cat.

    Lovely post, lovely June!

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  12. HELLO CLITORIS!
    What a delightful post! So glad you didn’t quit us.
    I feel terrible for SD. I turned on Animal Planet for my dog before I left for an appointment this morning and “Animal Rescue” was on. It gutted me. A cat had been hit by a car. I couldn’t stay to see what happened or I would have been late. I’m thinking about that poor cat all day. Now I’m thinking about SD. And worrying about my dog, who is home and ok. WHY DO ANIMALS HAVE TO HURT, LORD?

    Speaking of the Lord…I am blanking out on my high school mascot (probably because our school was named after some old businessman), but my college was The Redmen. Yes, those Redmen, of the politically verboten Redmen. The logo was a Native American man in complete headdress, dribbling a fucking basketball. The mascot was changed to a horse (and then a bird…go figure). And the name was changed to The Red Storm. Red Storm of the Lord.

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  13. We were the Rampants. Looks like a dragon/lion type thing. Poor SD, He’ll be your bed buddy for the week.

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  14. A mighty knight right here.

    I feel like I would totally be the person who waved back.

    *Politely waves back*
    Wait. What the fuck. Did she yell out Hello clitoris?! Why the hell did I wave?!
    *years later lies in bed awake with anxiety about the time I waved backed when someone yelled “HELLO CLITORIS.”
    And, scene

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  15. We were the Bucks. And the minor league baseball team in the city work is the Rubber Ducks. Because Akron is the Rubber City. There are giant duck footprints on the street and sidewalk in front of the stadium.

    A potential bear trap! That’s horrifying! I don’t know how you’ll keep him in. He’s an escape artist. Though, if he doesn’t feel good maybe he won’t want to go out.

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  16. You are more than welcome (because I obviously speak for everyone) to put that tip jar back up! We’ll either shop from Amazon or we won’t and we’ll tip or we won’t! If it comes down to your blog fees getting paid or stopping the blog, I don’t think you have anything to worry about.
    My high school mascot was a Cougar. Similarly to others, if you were on a female sports team you were a “Lady Cougar” although most of us CERTAINLY did not live up to the term “lady” in high school.

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  17. We were the Falcons, the mighty might Falcons.
    Glad you got SD to vet! Same thing happened to one of my kitties years ago.
    She didn’t come home for about 24 hours, and when she did, she was dragging one of her hind legs. It was broken.
    Nubaste!
    omg

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  18. We were the Cougars. My senior year I got the “Classic Cougar Award” because I was the biggest teacher’s pet or something like that. Now that I’ve been out of high school for 20 years this award has taken on a totally different meaning.

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  19. Well thank goodness you’re back.

    WARRIORS OF THE LORD!!! BAHHHH!

    My high school team mascot was also the Pioneers, and I am sorry to tell you that the actual mascot looked suspiciously like Davy Crockett. Coon skin cap and all.

    My college mascot was the Trojans. I tried out for the dance team and was almost relieved that I didn’t make it once I learned their name – Trojans in Motion.

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    1. Trojans in Motion also say HELLO, CLITORIS.

      And is it pronounced clitoris, like clit-doris without the d, or clitORis? I should know this by now, right? But I can’t think of the last time I even referenced that part of my body by its proper name.

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  20. We were the mighty Unicorns. Yeah. I had no idea how ridiculous that sounded until the day I was talking school mascots our mutual friends: one-boob Paula, Tip, and Top.
    The powers that be, in our school administration, tried to “butch up” the mascot several years ago. Didn’t work.

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  21. Glad that Steely is ok after his round with the new neighbor cat. I’m sure he was just welcoming him to the neighborhood when things got heated.

    I mentioned on the Face yesterday that I went to an agricultural high school, thus we were the Aggies. We did have an English Bulldog as a mascot and I loved it so much! I wanted to be the one to take care of it but that task went to a girl who was very athletic and tomboyish. My grammar school was called Grace Christian (after some teacher of old) and we were of course, the Christians. Our colors were orange and black so decidedly Halloween. I never thought that went together. I think my mom still has my cheerleader costume from there – she never gets rid of anything.

    Glad you survived the tornado, June!

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    1. Important update: The vet thinks, after shaving SD’s leg and then he was a she, that SD did NOT get in a cat fight, but rather got his leg CAUGHT in something, such as a fence or a tree or a bear trap. Anyway, antibiotics and pain meds and he has to stay in for a week. Did I already say this, or did I say it only on Facebook?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Only on Facebook. I thought you were saying he got caught in the other cat’s teeth like on Sound of Music. I still don’t see how anyone can expect you to keep that cat inside for a week!

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  22. We were the Vikings. People wore those silly horn hats to the football games. (Dear REAL Vikings, I do not know the actual name of your “horn hats”. Sorry. Love, Texas Kari)
    My daughter’s high school mascot is the Octopus, which is fine because they don’t have sports anyway. (Arts!)
    June, I’m very glad you are alive and not wearing your stripey socks.

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  23. Our local team is the Beavers. The high school girls’ basketball team is called the Lady Beavers. The elementary club football team is called the Eager Beavers. I kid you not. Sheesh. My own high school had the Indians for all sports. Lady Beavers for the win…

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  24. We were the Burros. You can imagine how fun that was. Lucky for us, they were fantastic at football and basketball.

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  25. I’m glad Steely dragged his fighting self home so you’d know to take him to the vet quickly. Cat bites become abscessed quickly, and putting hot compresses on a fighter cat is not fun.

    Most of my school years I attended small schools that didn’t have sports teams, but my last year of high school was at a Christian school that did. I’ve purposely forgotten much about that school, but I’m pretty sure we were also Warriors. If not, it was something close with warlike connotations.

    My college was Lincoln Land Community College, so named because it’s in Abe’s hometown. We were the Loggers. Our teams were just about as intimidating as you can imagine they’d be with a name like that.

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  26. I’m glad you and the pets managed to crawl out from under your house and SD will be okay from his close encounter.

    We were the Wolfpack. I’m betting that Paula’s kids’ Warriors of the Lord have Onward Christian Soldiers as their school theme song.

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  27. My middle school was called Sylvester, as in Sylvester J. Pussycat, Sr. Apparently, it was important to name the school after a historical character from everyone’s Saturday mornings. The mascot was the Tomcat of course. Why didn’t it seem ridiculous back then?

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  28. ” Marvin pictured me under the house with stripey socks”…it seems like most days you June Gardens are the only person on this planet that can make me chortle out loud. COL !

    How do I do the tip jar thingy?

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    1. I took down the tip jar when I started forcing you to shop Amazon through me. My PayPal is always paypal.me/JuneGardens

      You should all keep that handy at all times. For when you think, How can I throw money at June?

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  29. I’m glad Steely will be okay and hope he doesn’t seek revenge. Apparently, that Oscar’s a badass.

    I despise the Andy Griffith theme song. Really hate it. I think I’ve just heard it too much.

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  30. We were the Yellowjackets, but if you were a girl and played a sport, you were magically transformed into a Lady Jacket.

    I really regret not showing up to soccer practice wearing a blazer with shoulder pads, in true Lady Jacket form.

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  31. Nubaste from first a panther, then a cougar, and then a duck. And not just any duck — Donald Duck. But no matter how much you dress a duck in black to make it look fierce, it’s still a duck. A Fighting Duck! The women athletic supporters (hee!) were called the Daisy Ducks. Poor SDS. What color is the support ribbon for cat scratch fever?

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  32. Blue Owls.

    Glad you got SD to the vet quickly, cat bites are nasty. My neighbor’s cat bit my hand, not only was it very painful for days, but my hand was red and so swollen my knuckles disappeared.

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    1. Oh, the IRONY! I would love to know who came up with that one. And how many people didn’t get the joke.

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  33. I just scheduled an appointment for Lola Bean Johnson for her annual shots and nail trimming. I would go more often for the nails but I have run out of cat catching methods. I’ve had to cancel Lola Bean’s appointment many times as she is an escape artist.

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  34. Perhaps her name was Deloris?

    We were the Black Knights. My son goes to a Catholic high school and they are the Villains. This is hilarious to me but apparently the name comes from the fact that it began as a girl’s school in the 1950s called Villa Maria Academy.

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  35. P.S. In my rush to congratulate you on your speedy handling of the the Steely Dan I forgot to tell you that my school mascot was the Wildcats. And our unofficial song was Cat Scratch Fever.

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  36. Thank G-d you showed up. I was getting worried even though I’m just a lurker. Can’t start my day without an update on how your life is going – much better than mine I’m sure.

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  37. Artesia High School Pioneers. Yawn. We didn’t even have a mascot.

    Cat bites are nasty. My sister’s old cat bit my right ring finger one time and my finger swelled up so badly that my husband had to cut my ring off. It was scary.

    Are you sure Pal From MA wasn’t greeting her own, uh, bits?

    And wouldn’t SD’s full name be Steely Dan Silverman-Sommerfeld? Or is that a bit much?

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  38. We were the Bluebirds. Talk about instilling fear in your opponents.

    Glad SD is ok. I giggled over the vet’s office using his full name.

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    1. We were the Lancers too! You didn’t happen to go to high school in Belleville Illinois, by any chance?

      I’m glad you survived the tornado, Juan. Good luck getting the drugs down SD. I think most cat prescriptions should be prescribed in triple doses to make up for all that is spit out or squirted on fur or otherwise not ingested.

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  39. I missed you as well as I am without book of the face. We were the Lancers. But Warriors of the Lord is the best…..

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  40. Your fast response to SD will save his life. My teensy cat Maizie bit my toe last August and within 24 hours it was the grossest thing you ever saw. There’s something in cat bites that kills off healthy tissue. What I am saying is that he is now beholden to you and should act accordingly.

    Liked by 1 person

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