Friends, June can't keep a doctor, June doesn't know any ugly people

Hair-ried

by June

I forgot to mention to you that the day Steely Dan was clearly hurt, with the growling when he walked and his big eyes and so on? I called the vet right away, like at 7:30 in the morning, and they said, “Can you have him here by 8:00?” So I took the world’s fastest shower and put on the world’s fastest stupid ensemble and then I scream scream screamed to the vet and went to work and looked like this:

IMG_7079.jpgWow. I don’t know anyone whose hair reflects her every mood the way mine does. This one says, “Harried.” Hair-ried.

But while we’re on the subject of my stupid life, usually when I write you, I’m in my robe, and I will give you a moment to stop being so turned on.

But today, after I showered

[I’ll give you another moment. You must be on fire at this point.]

I thought, You know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna get dressed right away, because that robe is always kind of warm and my bosoms are always in the way

[At this point there’s nothing you can do. You are going to spend the whole day in a heightened state of arousal.]

so why not get dressed now?

So I did, and then I made my avocado toast and bit into it and squirted grape tomato all over my outfit.

And right then I knew, that’s why I fucking wear my robe when I write you. I have to wait till the very last minute to dress, to alleviate the many things that can go wrong with my clothing. The cat hair, the tomato seeds, the toothpaste.

Goddammit.

It’s a good thing I pilled Steely Dan before I showered and dressed, as that was another thing that could have landed on my clothes. I know I told you he takes pills nicely, and compared to my other cats, he still does, but perhaps he’s feeling better or just wasn’t in the mood, because he

SPAT

his pill across the kitchen floor.

I didn’t even know cats could spit. He was like a gray angry llama up in here. Just ptooi across the floor with that pill. But I gathered it up and gave it to him and he was all, FINE and took it without incident.

The fact that he is currently an indoor cat makes me feel better about finding this last night…

IMG_7124.jpgIMG_7123.jpgMy friend Lucy, from TinyTown, gave me this right when I moved into this house, and it’s been in my backyard ever since, and it’s been used ever since. Now, I know Iris isn’t strong enough to, you know, RIP a birdhouse open, and probably SD isn’t, either, but since he was inside (and so was Iris, actually), I know I don’t have to blame my own self for this horrific scene.

I didn’t see feathers or eggs or anything, so maybe whatever animal did this was out of luck. There WAS a nest in there, but that coulda been from last year.

So that was dramatic, and also dramatic yesterday was when an electrician came over. I had a smoke detector hanging from my ceiling by its wires, like I decorated using tips from Crack House Monthly. Like I decorated using pins from Needle-trist. And anyway, Alf my ridiculous handyman said it was going to require an actual electrician to fix it, so I got one to just replace all my smoke detectors, because every single one of them is wired into my ceiling and was either (a) missing because I ripped it down or (2) had a door that was stuck open because they were all old and stupid.

IMG_7118.jpgSo yesterday at lunchtime, the electrician came over and replaced all 6 smoke alarms, and when the new ones went in they would beep a few times to let us all know they may be new but they’re still annoying. And as he did that I was tryina stay out of his way and I saw this.

IMG_7121.jpgPoor Eds was in the bathroom, being a letter C. A few minutes later, I walked past again and the electrician was standing over Eds, rubbing his dog chest. I dearly wanted to say, “May I photograph this moment for my blog?” but YOU try that and see how insane that makes you feel.

But speaking of Edsel, he did get rewarded for his terror last night when Aunt Alex came over. Oh, he was mad when her truck pulled up. He was all making a letter O with his mouth and raising his hackles and carrying on, and Steely Dan, who wants nothing to do with any of us at this point and feels like Pa Ingalls did when he was snowed in for months with his stupid family, glared and hoped the person in the truck was an ax murderer and we’d all be removed from this mortal coil.

IMG_7128.jpgBut it wasn’t an ax murderer. It be Aunt Alex. Note SD in the corner, with his Paw Wash of Disappointment.

“Steely Dan’s inside!” she exclaimed ‘ere he stomped out of sight.

“Apparently you’re not reading my blog,” I said, and it’s always a weird thing when you write about your life every day and then you have friends in real life and you don’t wanna be RUDE and be all, “Do you read my blog?” but you also don’t want to launch into a story they just fekking READ about and then they have to feign interest and it’s really become a thing, basically.

Other than relatives such as my parents, the people who know me in real life don’t read me. It’s probably enough to know All This in real life without having to read All This.

“No, I–I read. I know he got hurt, but then what happened?”

See. She saw it in Facebook, is what she did. It really is a thing, this blogging and having friends. It’s an awkward thing. Maybe I should just go ahead and tell all my stories, and they can interrupt me with, “Yeah, I read this already, bitch,” but who’s gonna do that? Emily Post has never addressed this situation.

Aunt Alex was over to have dinner with me, as I have not seen her in awhile because we don’t work together anymore and she no longer lives a mile away. She and her spouse, who is also good-looking, moved to the country so they can impress the animals with their golden blondeness. They’re like Adam and Summer’s Eve.

And why do all my younger friends get to move to the country and eat a lotta peaches while I’m stuck in the bustling metropolis that is Greensboro? Why I gotta be all urban? I’m dying to live in the (snake-free) country.

They should make snake-free country the way they got the seeds outta grapes. I mean, someone figured that out, and that couldn’t have been easy. Work on it, smart folk.

Oh my god, anyway. The point is, we went to dinner at this little diner that’s been around since 1977 and since they last decorated in 1977. I want it to NEVER CHANGE. I adore it there.

I had quiche, because 1977, and she had a prosciutto and swiss sandwich, and we had a lovely time and talked and laughed and then she took me home and as I walked into my living room, I saw her pull back into my drive.

I went outside.

She got out of her truck. She stared at me, aghast.

“We didn’t pay.”

OH MY GOD WE DIDN’T PAY! We just clean forgot! We just STROLLED out of there without going up to the counter!

Alex went back, and she texted me after. “They weren’t even fazed,” she said.

We totally coulda gotten away with it.

I gotta go, but I wanted to tell you about a lovely experience I had last night. I mean, beyond dining and dashing.

Here’s one of my Amazon links to a CD. Back in the year 2000, which feels like five years ago but was EIGHTEEN, I trained for and ran a marathon. I also had a very fruity therapist, whom I loved, who changed her name from a nice Jewish lady therapist’s name (think something like Myra Goldblum) to something Indian-ish, because she was super duper into meditation and so on, and during some sort of seminar she was given a new name. So she went from Myra Goldblum to Sanguine.

I loved her. She lived in my neighborhood, so I’d walk over to her house once a week and get therapied. She got me to get a Ganesh keychain, and so on. The point is, she loaned me the above CD, there, called Sound Body, Sound Mind, by Dr. Andrew Weil. It’s five minutes of him talking, then an hour or so of really pretty music.

What happens is allegedly while you listen to it, your body heals itself from whatever’s wrong.

I was to take her CD and tape it, and dear Dr. Andrew Weil, don’t arrest me.

So Marvin made me that tape, and he inscribed it, Sound Body, Sound Mind CD from Gurpmaloni Changetrimeshu.

I used that tape like a motherfucker while I was doing my marathon training, because something always hurt on me, and I would giggle

LIKE AN IDIOT

every time I saw Gurpmaloni Changetrimeshu. And that’s really the name he wrote; I can still remember it.

THE POINT IS, eventually I bought the CD so I wouldn’t have to get up and flip the damn tape, and I LOVED it and I think Marvin accidentally stole it in the divorce, because the very last thing he wants is a bunch of fruity meditation music given to me by Gurpmaloni.

I told her that story, by the way, and she giggled. Oh, I adored her.

Anyway, m’tooth was hurting again last night, and I said, Goddammit. I really wish, what would really work, is if I still had that Dr. Andrew Weil CD, and I don’t. But you know what I did? Technology. I got it on iTunes, and I plugged my phone in next to my bed, and when that music started up, I almost started to cry.

I’d listened to that thing so often from, like, 2000 to maybe 2005, and then it got lost, and it was so nice to hear it again. And I fell asleep listening to it, slept like a LOG, and then today my mouth doesn’t hurt.

So I’ll link to it again if you want it. Or you could just iTunes it like I did. It was 12 dollars.

Namaste,
Junemaloni

36 thoughts on “Hair-ried”

  1. I absolutely adore the SD “spat” description and Edsel’s chest rubbing experience; you really have a gift of written language! (Hint, book?)
    Lovely post, pretty Junemaloni x 2 since I meant to comment yesterday before the day blew up

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  2. I have my jammers on on those days I cook dinner. I don’t care if they get a little food or grease on them. If I was wearing something nice, it’s a given that I’d stain it. I give one of my dogs multiple pills a day. Up until now, I’ve been able to wrap them in some kind of lunchmeat or cheese or something and trick her into taking them. Lately there’ve been two (well, one big one cut in half) that I can’t get down her no matter what I try. Very frustrating. I see Eds’ snaggletooth is still dangling. Perhaps he needs to chew on Blu a little harder. I do not have any of the meditation music, but doesn’t Andrew Weil also have something to do with cosmetics?

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    1. I don’t know if it would work with your dog, but for mine, I use ricotta cheese. You just grab a few pinches of ricotta with your fingers, and make a ball around the pill.

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  4. Speaking of meditative music, let’s talk about yoga music (eye roll). My instructor has a playlist of groovy meditative music and peppier music for standing poses. All of them are of a man singing/chanting in another language. (Hindi? idk.) Because they are very repetitive, my brain constantly wants to make the lyrics into English words. There’s one song that makes me giggle every time she plays it. In my mind it’s called “Sign the check.”
    Once upon a time, I bought one of Andrew Weil’s books, but can’t remember which one. I liked it. It was a leeetle OUT THERE with his sacral massage and such.
    Grrrreat post, June!

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  5. That paragraph that started, “But speaking of Edsel…” killed me.

    I’ve never had a cat who was good about taking pills. And only one dog who was easy. (I get the hardasses nearly every time)

    Thanks so much for starting my weekend off right. Oh, and I’m definitely going to get that A.W. music.

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  6. My parents cats were horrible about pills. My mother used to do the thing where you hold their mouth closed like a muzzle and stroke their throat so they’ll swallow it. And then they are soooo mad at you afterwards. Good boy Steely Dan!

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  7. One night I went to the grocery store after work, had a buggy full of stuff, went to the checkout, had everything rung up and bagged up, and then started walking out the door pushing my buggy. The cashier started yelling, “EXCUSE ME, MISS! EXCUSE ME!” I turned around to see if she was talking to me and she said, “Hey, can you please come back and pay for your groceries?” I was completely mortified. I totally forgot to pay after she rung it all up!

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  8. There’s a kids’ lullaby CD that I listened to every night for an entire year while trying to get one of my 1-year-olds to sleep, which also happened to be a somewhat difficult year for me (aside from having a one-year-old), and OMG if I even started to listen to that thing now, I would bawl like a baby.

    What’s embarrassing is that it is a Veggie Tales CD. Junior Asparagus’s voice breaks my heart.

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      1. See, now, when I think “Ned,” I think “grouper.” Ok, I think other things but in the food division, I think “grouper.” Didn’t he order that one time and go on and on and on about how goddamn good it was? But Junior Asparagus! Going on my Cat Name List.

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    2. Hi Suburban!
      My now 16 year old listened to a sleepy time music CD at night from the time she was two to about 5. It worked like a charm to get her to calm down and fall asleep. We have it on our iTunes account and she just recently told me that one night she was having a hard time sleeping so she pulled up iTunes and put on the sleepy time playlist and was fast asleep before she heard the second song. Music is magical.

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  9. Lovely post today, June.
    Isn’t it nice to have something from our past give us comfort? The way you told it made me want to cry, too! Glad your tooth is feeling better.

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  11. I need that music too. My older neighbor is dying and his wife just moved here from Italy to marry him a year and a half ago. She barely got her driver’s license, and is still trying to figure out how to live here. I am so worried for both of them I can’t relax. Maybe that music will help me let go and just give them the help that I can. Thank you so much for these funny posts. Letter C. I crack up every time.

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  12. I have a CD my aunt gave me of monks, I think.
    It has flutes, and water sounds and windchimes, etc. It is lovely. I use it to prevent anxiety or road rage when traffic is awful or I’m going to some dreaded medical appointment, etc. It does have a wonderful calming effect.

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  13. OH MY GOD! I used to listen to that CD all the time! Why did I stop? Maybe that ‘splains the last 15 years of torment in my brain!

    I think maybe a raccoon got to your birdhouse. They are destructive little beasts. And they love bird eggs. Hopefully they left empty handed.

    Also too all of my smoke detectors are hanging by a thread. It’s on the list of “things to pay someone to do” which is frightfully long.

    Love this pretty post pretty June!

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  14. We had a dog, fmr. who would spit the pill out that I carefully inserted in a hunk of meat, cheese, whatever. Then I would take the pill plain and just put it on my hand and he would eat it. It was like, he had to let me know that he KNEW he was taking a pill but was going to be adult about it. My current dog is the worst, I have to put the pill in Peanut butter and force his mouth open and scrape the concoction on the side of his mouth so he is forced to eat it.

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  15. I am totally getting that healing music. Who doesn’t need a little meditation? Who? Plus, I need something to fall asleep to that isn’t a screen. That’s bad, I guess.

    I laughed out loud about SD spitting his pill out, and then OH FINE-ing you. I could see that clearly, with your stern voice telling him that he HAD to take his pill, “We can do this the easy way, or the hard way Steely Dan Silverman, you choose!”

    Poor cute birdhouse. That made me sad.

    Lovely post, lovely June!

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  16. I got a little weepy when you said your tooth hurt, and you listened to your music, and felt better. Don’t know why.

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  17. Ordered the music download so I can listen after my knee surgery. Maybe it will heal faster! Or at least the anesthetic will leave my fuzzy brain faster. I hate that feeling you have for several days afterward. Great post, Jube!

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  18. Hilarious post!!!!! You forgot to pay. That made me laugh out loud. My husband forgot to pay at the feed and seed store in town and they called him. I was horrified, didn’t bother him.

    I understand the dressing at the last minute. I always drape a towel around me if I eat after I get dressed, or I’ll have something on my clothes.

    The cute bird house was probably attacked by a raccoon. I showed the photo to my husband and he agreed. They are destructive little devils and they are MEAN. They also will hurt/kill cats. Ask the vet if that could be the problem with SD’s leg.

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  19. Millions of peaches – peaches for me.

    Now I’ll be singing that, ALL DAY!!

    Lovely post, I felt as though I was right there with you for dinner. So fun!

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  20. lovely post.

    I get the robe thing. also? on the way to work spilling something like coffee. I mean, I’m not even at work yet!

    Going to check out your music.

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  21. This is one of those not-blogs today that make me feel as if I know you in real life and you’ve just sent me a nice chatty email (letter, fmr.). Thank you.

    P.S. I’m constantly saying (or thinking), “Did I read that on Facebook? A blog? Instagram?”

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  24. Have I mentioned recently how much I adore my morning dose of YOU? Who needs Gurpmaloni Changetrimeshu (hee!) when I have you to cure what ails me.

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  25. “Adam and Summer’s Eve.” Am dead. But not so dead that I’m not giggling at Gurpmaloni. AND I’m going to find that and listen to it because just today I told myself, “Self, you need some kind of therapy to (a) Let Things GO and (b) Stop Being Afraid Of Getting In Trouble.” So thank you, June, for making me laugh and possibly saving my sanity. (Honest to God, like a dog with a bone. I get OBSESSED … see here I go. Never mind.)

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    1. PAULA! The TWINS! What are their NAMES?? I could hardly sleep last night for wondering!

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