At Two With Nature

Your number-one source for kitten pics and poop stories

Yesterday morning, I headed to the break room at work to put hot water in my oatmeal, like a fairly good person. When I got in there, there was a cupcake holder.

Well.

They were FUNFETTI cupcakes. I’m fun. I’m fetti.

So, what oatmeal? What flax? There was FUNFETTI to be had.

So I ate one and immediately felt sick. I don’t think there was anything wrong with the cupcakes, per se, I think I was already…not right and just didn’t know it till I started eating. Because I was sick immediately.

But I think we can all agree on how stoic I am. I am long-suffering.

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Actual portrait of me, at work. With millennials.

So I soldiered on with sort of a roiling feeling, and lasted through the morning and sort of felt better.

Till lunch.

I came home and had a macaroni and cheese Lean Cuisine, because nothing but the best for me, and a container of applesauce, because see the beginning of this sentence. Also, apparently am toddler.

After I mashed all my food onto my tray with my open palm and knocked over my sippy, I got in the car and headed back to work.

Roil.

Roil and trouble.

I could tell things weren’t going to end well. And I wasn’t so sick that I had to, like, stop working, but I certainly didn’t wanna be, you know, there when Mt. Vesuvius erupted.

“I’m going to work from home,” I announced, taking my laptop and hurrying out of the building.

“Where you going, June? You got cat-scratch fever?” some jokester said to me as I headed out the door.

“Heh. Yeah, I…” I began, but then ROIL.

“I better go,” I said, worrying if I could even MAKE it six minutes to home.

I was on a race against time, is what I was. A race against…two o’clock, if you catch my drift. Mrs. Brown was adamant about getting to the pool.

Fortunately, it was after lunch, so traffic was light, and on a really good day, I can be home in five minutes. On a bad day, it can take 10, and you should see how annoyed I get, like I was never an LA person whose 16-mile commute took more than an hour every day.

But there I was, on the turn that would lead me into my neighborhood. It’s probably less than a minute from that turn to my home.

Past the little park where Edsel and I go unless some asswipe–if you’ll forgive the expression in the middle of this story–has his dog unleashed. “Oh, my dog’s fine!”

Is there anything that irks me more?

Past the house where the people saved Iris.

Past that house where they don’t edge their lawn, and I fell on the uneven part between their grass and their yard, and sprained my ankle in 2013.

Past the people who have Ava.

Then, home.

At least, that was my plan.

But as I rounded the corner to get to my neighborhood, OUT OF NOWHERE?

Old lady in a Thunderbird.

I mean, it was one of those old ladies who was barely tall enough for the steering wheel. And I realize I’m like 18 months from being that old and I should be kind. I realize half the staff at my office thinks I already AM that old.

But girlfriend has lived a bit. In that Thunderbird, which looked like it was from the early ’90s. She bought it new for her 70th birthday.

She shopped for that car with her dear friend King Tut.

Her license plate was hieroglyphics.

She paid for it in clams.

Anyway, I don’t even know how she appeared before me, but there she was. And she was driving four miles an hour. One mile for every millennium she’s lived through.

“Oh, you have GOT to be kidding me,” I said, seconds from liftoff. I mean, we’re talking my innards. Having an unsettling experience. Ready for their photo SHOOT. I had to get something down on paper, if you’re picking up what I’m…throwing down.

Honestly, why do old people drive like that? I know I’m about to find out and all, but I’d like to know before I get there. What makes you say, oh, I’ve lived a bit. Guess I’ll slow down.

I could have WALKED home faster than I was driving behind this Dannon Yogurt ad in front of me. And I would’ve just pulled over and done so, possibly right in front of that woman’s house who always has a fit on NextDoor when someone parks in front of her house. But if I’d gotten out and tried to walk, I’d have been shot right up and over to Winston-Salem. I was already starting to worry about the walk from my driveway to the house.

If I ever fucking GOT THERE.

Finally, FINALLY, like, this MORNING practically, FINALLY we got to my house, and do you know what?

She turned right.

SHE DIDN’T EVEN NEED TO BE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD.

SHE HAD TO REASON TO BE IN FRONT OF ME OTHER THAN THE UNIVERSE WISHES TO MAKE ME SUFFER.

Anyway. Obviously I made it into the house, and released the hounds, and didn’t feel quite right all night, which was rhyme-y of me and you’re welcome.

So that’s the story, there. I feel like Jackie Kennedy had one similar.

P.S. Obligatory kitten picture:

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53 thoughts on “Your number-one source for kitten pics and poop stories

  1. In my twenties, I watched my great-uncle drive the country roads at 30 mph and wondered how the hell he could stand going so slow. Then in my thirties I gave birth to two boys and suddenly — my greatest treasures in the car — I began to obey the legal speed limits. Now, in my fifties, I drive more the speed of my great-uncle: like, what’s the rush? There’s landscape to look at! I’m MELLOW, man! – Kate

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  2. You are so awesomely HILARIOUS!!!! I had so much fun reading this and laughing like crazy. I’ve been there multiple times and know the fear.

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  3. I giggled through this entire post, but at the same time it was so stressful hoping you would make it home in time. Gives a whole new meaning to pucker power.

    That sweet face.

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  4. I currently have a pinched nerve in my back everyone in my way in the road to/fro docs was out on this earth to make me suffer. Plus my stomach upset so dire my new name is now car HURL line. lol post tyvm

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  5. My greatest fear of getting stopped in the middle of the day on an interstate for one of those 3 hour slowdowns and nothing but fields to the right. What do people do?

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    1. I had the stomach flu on the Golden Gate Bridge. What you do, PJ, is puke on yourself. Though after that, I aways made sure I had a plastic bag in the glove compartment.

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  6. Sorry for your troubles but..hilarious post! Thank you for making me laugh today–I need it.

    Little ornj face! Swoon!

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  7. And this is why we can all identify with the food poisoning scene in the movie Bridesmaids.

    Did you immediately weigh yourself after, or am I the only one that does that?

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  8. It must be a familial thing. I can’t tell you how many times I was doing home visits way out in the county when that awful feeling would come over me, or the times when Bill got me to a bathroom when we were in the middle of tumble weeds and going down a mountain from Katie and Jason’s house outside of Jackson Hole, Wyoming, or flying over prairie lands when driving back to Saginaw from Hanover. Plus, did I ever tell you about the time we were all on motorcycles, way far away from bathrooms and it hit me? The ditches were singing their siren songs to me. Uncle Jim was there too and loved it.

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  9. I’m relieved to know I am not alone. I once had to throw away a pair of jeans. Let’s just say I have a regularly scheduled drive of 30 minutes, which was slowed by an accident. The explosion waited until I stepped out of my vehicle. But not for me to make it in the house. Horrifying.

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  10. I am always relieved (haha!) to hear this happens to other people. Is it age? Why we gotta revert back to babyhood and end our lives the same way we started – pooping ourselves? There’s no dignity I tell you. I once made the mistake of thinking I could make it home when I could have just gone at work before I left. I mean, it’s a six minute drive! What could happen? I’ll tell you what – a gas leak (also – haha!) at the intersection and they are re-routing traffic which adds 20 minutes to the commute. 20 minutes and 10 seconds and it would have been a disaster. I’ve told my kids the only piece of wisdom I will ever foist upon them is to never pass (again – hardy har!) up a chance to use a bathroom.

    “Her dear friend King Tut”. Killed me DED right there.

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  11. So, you know how Paula HB gets in a tither because you blog when you’re rushed? I was totally Paula today, what with the “will she or won’t she make it” tension. I should have just skipped to the end, but there was so much funny along the way. Your puns were spot on! And, well, KITTEH!

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  12. This whole thing made me giggle. We’ve all been there! The last time it happened to me I was at the grocery store, and I swear there were 65 people in front of me in line and the checker was in slo-mo. I just wanted everyone to hurry the hell up! I made it home in time, but barely.
    On that note, have a great weekend!! 🙂

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  13. OMG! Shit on the cat! Mine know when I am running get the eff out of the way. IBS here too and it is ugly more often than I would like. My late neighbor had colon cancer at the end that made her incontinent. I took her to the store and put down a trashbag with a towel on it that I keep in my car just in case. She told me she had on depend panties, and acted a bit insulted. I have cloth seats in my car. If I can sit on it when things are worrisome, so can you. I have not pooped in the car so far but I have in the throne room too. I was laughing and clenching as I read. Neighbor told me her shit did not stink, literaly. She did have issues in front of me numerous times. Oh, yes it did stink! I had to tell her because she was in total denial. She was angry that her neice didn’t take her to the potluck dinner at church! I said, “But your problem with your bowels?” “It’s only little bits, it doesn’t smell”. Oh, honey. (I totally mistyped that as oh hiney! ).

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  14. I used to have a rule that I only pooped at home. The older I get the less I care about that dumb rule. Maybe soon I’ll be driving like that little old lady too.

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  15. I have been running and had this happen to me more than once. I literally knocked on a stranger’s door once asking to use their bathroom. I was that desperate.

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  16. I have a friend who is sort of a ditz. She took the prep for a colonoscopy and decided to run errands. The volcano actually erupted while she was in her car.

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  17. This. “I could have WALKED home faster than I was driving behind this Dannon Yogurt ad in front of me.”

    Chuckling at work. GIRL. So new meds. Doctor, “There a side effect of diarrhea. But your body will get used to it.” Not just, oh, a wee bit. One morning I had to turn around twice to go home and be at home for said ‘sploison. After a month I finally went in and announced that my body WAS NOT getting “used to it”.

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  18. I have a friend who suffers from irritable bowel syndrome. Her cats love to follow her into the bathroom and wind around her legs while she was sitting on the toilet. Unfortunately, one day when her irritable bowel syndrome was acting up, this particular cat followed her into the bathroom, and her bowels erupted and she shit on her cat.

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    1. Hahahaha! That is priceless! And precisely what I expect to do one day. I actually say on my cat’s tail once as he was flicking that thing all around my leg as I was trying get my pants down.

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  19. I have been there quite a few times, in that situation and man, it’s nerve wracking! Glad you made it home.
    I was trying not to laugh when I was reading you, because I finally got FILLERS yesterday and the pain, oh the pain….I didn’t expect it to hurt so much. For some reason I thought I’d magically be Cameron Diaz after and ….no. Just a 55 year old with a painful swollen face, albeit a few less lines.

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  20. “After I mashed all my food onto my tray with my open palm and knocked over my sippy, I got in the car and headed back to work.”
    Almost shot coffee out my nose. I can COMPLETELY sympathize with this story. Maybe it’s because I’m getting a little older but these days, when something disagrees with me it does so IN A HURRY. I was driving home the other day and thought “I’m absolutely going to shit my pants right here in my car.” I didn’t, thank goodness. But it was a very close call.
    Great post!!!

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    1. “I’m absolutely going to shit my pants right here in my car.” Another Jackie Kennedy quote.

      June, you absolutely tell a great story. I was in agony right along with you.

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  21. It’s like your body KNOWS you’re thisclose to home and makes the situation that much more urgent. But your body didn’t know about Where’s The Beef driving in front of you.

    Somehow I just can’t see Jackie Kennedy whispering to her Secret Service detail, “Excusez-moi, could you step on it, s’il vous plait? I’m horrified to say that I’m about to soil myself.” And back in the sixties, you know she was wearing a girdle so that could have even endangered her pillbox hat.

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    1. Oh, Paula, as if June’s narrative wasn’t funny enough. Now I have the visual you planted in my mind about Jackie!

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  22. Chinese food. For whatever reason that is the greatest laxative for my body. I have to go before I leave the restaurant every time.

    Thanks for the funnies and furries.

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  23. Oh, my god. I have LIVED THROUGH that experience more than once. I, of course, have to self-talk my way home, and the emergency gets worse the closer I get to HOME. Ugh. I hate that.

    Kittens make everything better though. I want to smooch them.

    Lovely post, lovely June!

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  24. Did little orange and white keep you company while you were, you know, sitting down?

    Hope you feel better today!

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  25. I can certainly commiserate with you on the first subject. When something disagrees with me, it does so in a hurry.
    Looks like little orange and white fluff head is giving you a sympathetic look. More kitten pics please!

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  26. Love your writing! If I wrote this story it would be “I pooped and here is a picture of a kitten.” It amazes me how you make your everyday life so interesting. Have a great weekend.

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