Coming down with a case of LaCroix

Tell me if this is universal or it’s just me.

You’re extra full of things to do for a few days, and you think okay. I can deal with this. I’m all right. In fact, for me, it’s more fun when work is busy rather than: do this assignment. Wait a bit. Now do THIS assignment. Wait a bit. I like a steady pace that’s just on the edge of being scary but not actually scary.

So.

But, to be specific, I’ve had a very busy time at work, PLUS seven kittens, four adult cats and a touched-in-the-head dog as well. And a strict diet that requires preparing food. Which in case you just got here is not my bailiwick. ‘Tisn’t in m’wheelhouse. Not my forte.

So, I kept thinking yesterday that if I just did this next thing, I could relax for the first time in several days. That’s what was dangling in front of me like a donkey with a carrot. My couch and the TV and a little LaCroix were danglin’.

I created a to-do list by speaking into my phone as I drove home, as my mind was abuzz with the shit I had to do. Once the list was done, I could relax.

  • Get your food and put it away.
  • Take care of the animals.
  • Go to the grocery store.
  • Then? LaCROIX THROWDOWN.

I’d ordered a buncha keto food delivered, and it was to arrive Wednesday in a box with ice like I’m Elvis ordering banana sandwiches. UPS kept telling me it was on its way, and I wanted to get it into the refridge, which is one of those things someone says wrong and then you start saying it wrong and in this case that someone was Ned.

Go to the grocery store, the list told me, as you are 100% out of dog and adult cat food (it’s cat food that talks dirty) (the each little nibble is man-bit shaped) (when my three cats eat it, instant three-way) (they wash it down with MILF) (okay, I’m done).

I was also 100% out of paper towels, and I wonder why. Is it because ONE of those kittens does not always get to the box? I see most of them going like good cats. But one. One is a rebel. He’s number two. He tries harder. To go on the floor.

So I’d dashed home from work hoping Elvis keto would be on my porch but no.

Since the food wasn’t there, I went inside, let Edsel out, scooped litter boxes–quelle surprise–threw out the bag of cat wastey bits including old Rebel with Orange Paws’s wayward bits, fed everyone, swept the kitten-room floor, tried to get the Donald Trump kitten to be nice, and then boom. UPS finally arrived.

IMG_8443.jpg
Covfefe

(There’s one big cute orange kitten who used to be called JimBob, but he’s huge and orange-headed and I’ve taken to calling him Donald Trump. He HATES being petted. He shirks down. “No one is going to adopt you if you’re an asshole,” I keep telling him. He doesn’t care. My suspicion is that he’s the pooper but I swear I’ve seen his giant orange head in the box.)

When the keto delivery came, I got the scissors and opened it, then opened the many many many bags inside, put them all away, recycled the original box out at the bin, and finally got to leave for the store.

I got huge bags of cat food and even bigger bags of dog food, giant heavy litter and a case of LaCroix. I’m comin’ down with a case of LaCroix.

And, see, I PLAN to order pet supplies through Chewy again, but I wanted to keep track of how often I run out of everything so I’d know when to renew my order, and now I know. I went from April 18 to May 9, so apparently I need to order cat and dog food and fucking litter (it was in the adult cat food section) every three damn weeks and WHY SO BROKE JUNE OH MY GOD.

Sweatily, I lugged all the enormous shit into my house of enormous shits. The only time I regret being single is grocery-unloading time.

I had to rip open the food bags and dump the food into tins, change the real-cats’ litter boxes using fresh litter, and MY POINT IS…

When you’re this busy, and you keep thinking, one more thing. I just gotta do one more thing. When you do that, and you think you’re done, and it’s ALMOST TEN O’CLOCK, and you realize

GOD

DAMMIT

you also have to take out the trash,

is that when you lose it?

Or is that just me?

I mean, normally you go about your evening, and you see oh. The trash needs to go out. And it’s like, well, shit.

But not me. Not me last night when I’d not stopped moving for 16 hours and I JUST WANTED COUCH AND LACROIX and there was ONE MORE THING TO DO and SON OF A BITCH.

Is that everyone? Or it that me?

P.S. While I was telling you this story, the lawn guys came and thank god because Shoeless Joe Jackson kept wandering out of my tall grass to tell me to build a baseball diamond. But the noises my lawn guys make scare the

CRAP

out of Cora, the mom cat. So when they came, she began howling, and I went in there to pet her and talk to her.

And do you know that Donald Trump kitty crawled up on her back to make her feel better? I’ve never seen any of them do that to her at any other time, crawl on top of her.

So see? Everyone has a sweet side. Even poop-on-the-floor-orange-headed-don’t-pet-me Donald Trump kitten.

I gotta go. I’ve got stuff to do.

50 thoughts on “Coming down with a case of LaCroix

  1. You pretty much just described my weekend. I have a little white board in the kitchen I filled up with my to-do list and half the stuff I did wasn’t even on the list.

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  2. Well, that’s my reaction too. I feel like I barely stay on top of all the chores and errands anyway and then one of the cats goes and yaks on the carpet, or pees outside the box, or ALL of the glasses are dirty because the dishwasher needs to be run and I don’t react well. It’s often around bedtime too, and all I want to do is go to sleep but then I can’t even get in bed until I do a billion more things!

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  3. It’s not just you! I have had a ridiculously busy last 30 days with a kitchen remodel, crazy busy work, etc. and I crave time to myself to watch Real Housewives of NY on my couch with my dog. I’ve recently told several friends and family I had plans and couldn’t come to their birthday party just so I could be alone! Introverts for the win!

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  4. I don’t know about Just Paula, but I’m stressed just reading about your day. I feel the need to run around all day doing a ton of sh*t. And I don’t mean that in the big-orange-haired-kitten kind of sh*t.

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  5. Sometimes that pesky last chore on the list just doesn’t get done. Sit your self down and drink all the La Croix you want. The garbage will wait.

    P. S. What flavors of the fancy water do you like best?

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      1. I like Berry, too. Very closely followed by Peach-Pear and Apricot! Also Dasani makes a Pineapple water which I thought would be weird, but is SO GOOD!

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  6. Reading stressed me out for you. I don’t like being that busy, a little busy is okay, but not stressful busy! I don’t know how you can still be funny, I just get snappy and grumpy! The field of dreams reference was perfect!!!

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  7. This is a perfect description of pretty much every damn weekend for me. During the week I expect to never have a free minute, but I want some relaxing time on the weekend dammit.

    By the end of nearly every one I’m screaming, “Why is there ALWAYS SO MUCH SHIT TO DO?” and wonder how people other than me seem to spend their weekends frolicking through various fun things. Do they just ignore all the shit? It remains the biggest unanswered question in my life to date. What’s worse is that if I don’t address all the items, it makes the upcoming week even worse. It’s a dreadful circle of life, I tell ya.

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    1. Same here! Whenever I have something planned I have to get extra stuff done on the other days plus I end up playing catch up true following week. It makes me insane!!!

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  8. That is my Every. Day. From morning til night. Plus also too I’ve got a “significant other” who has the nerve to grumble about my “Sleeping Beauty Droppings,” a phrase he gleaned from my mother, referring to the fact that I often have a book, a purse, or a hairbrush out of its designated place. This person, like my mother, notices the speck in my eye but fails to see the plank in his own eye (I knew that Catholic-school education was worth something – at least I got biblical references to throw around). When he gets home from work I’ve already come home from my full day of work, sometimes grocery shopped, picked up the kid, put her dirty lunchbox dishes in the dishwasher (and often his dirty dishes from the morning), made her dinner, started making OUR dinner, did some straightening up/sweeping, fed the dog, started our daughter on her homework. When HE gets home from work he plops down in his chair, GLUED to his iPhone, while I continue making our dinner and straightening up the house. Sometimes he gets cranky because our daughter is often watching PBS Kids when he gets home, and I’m not keeping her busy playing with her. Because see all above. Every. Damn. Day. And that says nothing of our mornings – when I get out of bed at 5:35 am to walk the dog, make her breakfast, pack her lunch, feed the dog, empty the dishwasher, and take out the trash. He thinks about rolling out of bed more than 2 hours later – using my return from the dog walk and jumping into the shower as his alarm clock. Every. Damn. Day.

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    1. I hear you Sleeping Beauty! Can you imagine how wonderful it would be to just get yourself ready each day? Not to mention how amazing it would be say “I am going to bed” and do just that.

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      1. Sleeping Beauty, I kind of want to slap your husband. Not because mine is perfect, but because the second he said “why aren’t you playing with our child?” when you are doing all that caretaking shit, I’d choke him dead. Call me impressed.

        Liked by 1 person

      1. [June becomes orange kitty at thought of hug. Poops on floor.] (Oh, wait. I’m only seeing your comment as an email. Was that in response to sleeping beauty?)

        >

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  9. Shit like that only happens to me when my husband is around. Like all of last week when we were vacationing in our motorhome. I did not have one relaxing moment! I cannot wait for him to go back to work. When he is at work, I can totally do what you mentioned; organize, get shit done and sit down by 4pm, every day.

    I know that did not help you in any way, whatsoever. Sorry.

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  10. Joon, I think you have unleashed the Kraken in all of us. When do the Waltons gracefully depart from your “8 more things” list?

    Shoeless Joe. Dying. “Is this heaven?”

    June (whites of eyes showing): HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

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  11. I’m exhausted just reading about everyone’s busy days. You all have me beat, though. I sit at my computer and think of all the things that need to be done. I’m retired and have time, but here I sit.

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  12. For years, the only thing I regretted about being single is the lack of sex and an extra paycheck. Then we had to make a sudden move (fire will do that), and now I am officially tired of being the man of the house. I’d rent a husband if he’d put up blinds and curtain rods, lug furniture around, do all this Rosie the Riveter crap I’m so fed up with. But I know from experience that having a man around doesn’t necessarily mean he’d actually DO anything.
    So agree with the one-more-thing-and-I’m-done. Story of my life.
    Love Donald Trump (the cat)!

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  13. Well, of *course* Donald Trump kitty would climb up on some pussycat’s back.

    Seriously, that was sweet. Of orange head kitty.

    I’m the same with feeling overwhelmed. I LIVE for downtime, which I don’t often get. Most weekends, I spend catching up on work.

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  14. “The only time I regret being single is grocery-unloading time.” Yes, maybe the real reason to be in a relationship! I too am a list maker. I almost get anxiety over getting to get to make the list. It has to be done!

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  15. I’ve been busy like that for three weeks and will be for another week. I took today off so I can do leisurely things like the laundry, bathing the dog, cleaning the bathroom, eating some Taco Bell for lunch. My boss asked me why I needed the (personal) day off, actually out of concern because people are falling left and right at work with things like strokes and heart issues. I told her I needed a day to do life. And eat Taco Bell.

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      1. That was on response to Jan, sorry , I am reading comments from the end back and read (then I remember) that you get these comments as an email and don’t know to whom I commented .

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  16. Muffin top beat me to commenting about Donald Trump grabbing onto a pussycat.

    You know what irks me? It’s when people think that because I’m single I have tons of free time and I must sit around when I’m not at work watching tv and eating bon bons. I don’t eat dinner until sometime between 9 and 10 every single night because there’s always a thousand “one more things” to do when I finally get home after staying at work late, running errands, sitting in Atlanta traffic, etc. and there’s no one else to do them. I got home at 9:30 last night, and it was 1:00 before I got in bed and I didn’t sit down at all in between. And I got up early this morning to finish getting crap gathered up to bring to work because I’m throwing a baby shower for one of my bosses this afternoon. I do not have time to be throwing a damn baby shower.

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  17. It’s always the trash that breaks me. I start the dishwasher, turn off the kitchen light, am lowering tired self into chair and right then it hits me “GODDAMMIT! TRASH DAY TOMORROW!” And we don’t miss trash day! A. we pay 251465589951485 dollars per week and #9 the trash would overflow the can and that’s NOT ALLOWED. Plus also too – that GD truck ALWAYS comes at 5:45 AM on days I forget. All other days? Maybe 2 in the afternoon. But forget and you can set your watch by that infernal BEEP BEEP BEEP that announces THEY’RE COMING! I cannot even imagine the stories my garbage man can tell about the times I came screaming out of the house in my almost altogether to get that can on the curb before they passed my house.

    In other words, me too, June. Me, too.

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  18. Amen. This is my life right now, you described it perfectly. When you realize you get no downtime today and there’s still one more thing to do before bed and you just snap inside.

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  19. My husband does not unload groceries. He didn’t do it even before cancer permenantely ruined his leg. He doesn’t take out the trash unless I am half dead, and then I have to nag and he sighs like I am killing him. That is trash bags. I take out and retrieve the robo cans, recyclables too.
    I spoiled him. I remember a lot of resentment when I was working. I’d come in at 10:00 PM from a closing shift to pets not fed (they would have meowed and howled at me) and his take out leftovers and crusted plate by the sink and dishwasher. God forbid he scrape it, rinse it, and put it in the dishwasher. I don’t know how women with little kids do it. Some men are great with this stuff but they are rare, from what I have seen. Mine did work OT, etc. but that money was more HIS and I felt like I got very little credit for all of the slave/housework/errands/laundry/bills I did.

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  20. i only have one pet and me in 500 sq ft so there isn’t that much today.

    until this Saturday.

    long story. short version. everything went to hell and i have to move out saturday. SATURDAY!

    Shoeless Joe Jackson…chortle.

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  21. I understand the one-more-thing sitch.
    Currently my To Do list is so long it cannot be represented on paper. I have switched to a 2′ x 3′ white board. It’s May. sighhh.

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  22. I’m with all of you…May sucks.

    I DO let that one more thing go…sometimes. It always waits for me, and is there in the morning.

    Donald Trump Kitten!

    Lovely post, lovely June!

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  23. I think I’m in love with the Donald Trump Kitty. “No one is going to adopt you if you’re an asshole.” That would be a great title for a children’s book.

    Love the new header. It looks so “May”. And June too of course.

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